Let’s be friends

[disneychrista]

Can you truly be friends with an ex after an amicable break up?

 

[gwynne]

Can you truly be friends with an ex after an amicable break up?

I think you can be reasonably friendly.

 

[Squirlz]

Sure! I'm Facebook friends with an ex-wife and two old girlfriends.

 

[ronandannette]

Nope. Not interested. I don't have many exes but the ones I do have, well, it was for the best that we made clean breaks. I'd probably actually go out of my way to avoid them now because - awkward.

I do think it would be different if you shared children and had been fully entrenched in one another's families for a very long time. We're dealing with that with a soon-to-be exSIL and we dearly love him. I hope we can maintain some level of relationship but that will mostly depend on how DH's daughter feels about us doing so.

 

[PollyannaMom]

under the right circumstances

(like the motivation of mutual friends, extremely trusting new partners, etc.)

 

[AuntieMe3]

Depending on the circumstances, I think so....one of my best friends is an ex. My husband understands and doesn't mind, although they aren't as close as we are, they are still good friends. He's like a brother to me, an uncle to my daughter...our parents still welcome us as one of their own.

 

[amberpi]

Depending on the situation, sure! I think it really helps if you were friends before being romantically involved to more easily go back to being friends.

 

[Chrisizzle]

I am friends with ex-girlfriends but haven’t been married with children / divorced.

I find this alternate question amusing. So, this person was the most important person in your life, and now you want absolutely nothing to do with them? How does that make sense?

 

[georgina]

I've never had an amicable breakup, one person always initiated it and the other person was upset. I have had an issue with the person I cared for the most (broke my heart) who kept coming back into my path in odd ways. His wife got a job working with my DH (all 4 of us were in the same line of work), our kids went to the same HS, etc. We could have a civil discussion, but friends? No way. He will always be the one that got away to me!

 

[georgina]

I am friends with ex-girlfriends but haven’t been married with children / divorced.

I find this alternate question amusing. So, this person was the most important person in your life, and now you want absolutely nothing to do with them? How does that make sense?

It doesn't make sense to me to want to stay in touch with someone who rejected you. Too painful.

 

[ronandannette]

It doesn't make sense to me to want to stay in touch with someone who rejected you. Too painful.

Even weirder to think about hanging around with somebody you dumped and everybody supposed to be acting like (s)he wasn't hurt. Honestly, the only way I can imagine anything like this working (not including the co-parent situation) is if the relationship was fairly low-stakes to begin with and both parties mutually agreed it wasn't working.

 

[Floridaman999]

I think it would depend on the reason for the break up. At least it would for me.

 

[kyton]

My sister and her first husband split after close to 10 years of marriage and 3 kids. No nefarious affairs or anything untoward, they just decided to not be married anymore. My sister has remarried however still has a good relationship with both her ex as well as his family. My family still loves and sees our ex-BIL a couple of times a years. It is a great situation for their children - no fighting or arguing and all grandparents get to see the kids without anyone feeling left out.

 

[Sand Wedge]

I was on great terms with my ex... but we drifted apart

 

[disneychrista]

Sure! I'm Facebook friends with an ex-wife and two old girlfriends.

But do you actually talk to and see these people on a regular basis?

 

[Squirlz]

But do you actually talk to and see these people on a regular basis?

No, we all live far apart now.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm friends with one of my ex's.

He delayed going to college for 1 year. We dated the summer in between my freshman and sophmore year but it was a summer when he would be going off to college several hours away. He broke up with me 2 months into the school year for another girl and that was rough. About 1 1/2 months later he had said it was just a terrible mistake (and truly I think he felt that). We tried to make it work for a bit long distance again but shortly thereafter I met the man who is my husband.

My ex and I both decided we just weren't right for each other. Remain friends to this day (it's been over 11 years) though I rarely get to see him as he still lives several hours away. My ex met my husband, really liked him as a guy and fully approves of my husband (not that I was seeking his approval but I appreciate it) and he even came to our wedding. My husband had no problem with that and actually liked my ex as a guy.

That said no I wouldn't consider it a blanket you can be friends situation. So many things go into that decision. A couple of my exes there's just no reason to be friends afterwards and physical distance in where we live has made that very easy.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I think it would be very difficult. I am not friends w/any of my ex's. I have not seen my first husband in 23 years. If I saw him now, I would be nice to him. I am at the point where I don't really have any ill will against him. I feel as if we were both just too young to "play house" and it MIGHT have been just a little bit to blame for the way things ended up. I have no idea how he feels though. I am just at the point where I don't hold any anger over what went on in our marriage anymore. If I saw him today, I would be fine with it, and I would have no problem being nice to him. I do not think I would want to socialize with him on a regular basis, that would be too weird though. I have crossed paths w/his father before (even in recent years)... we have had nice conversations. I actually like my ex-father in-law quite a bit.

My second husband is now deceased, so ever having a friendly relationship is not an option. He passed away within a year of the divorce. We parted on bad terms, and there is no way to repair that. If he were still alive, I would not want to be anywhere near him. When I left, I did not even tell him where I was living (although he did somehow manage to find out). I have heard that his family has been talking "poo" about me saying that I am like the most evil person in the world for this whole divorce. I am sorry things turned out the way they did, but there was not any way I could live with him and endure the things he was putting me through any longer. I stayed with him much longer than I should have, and put up with much more than I should have.

 

[kimblebee]

NO

They’re an ex for a reason.

 

[ronandannette]

I think it would be very difficult. I am not friends w/any of my ex's. I have not seen my first husband in 23 years. If I saw him now, I would be nice to him. I am at the point where I don't really have any ill will against him. I feel as if we were both just too young to "play house" and it MIGHT have been just a little bit to blame for the way things ended up. I have no idea how he feels though. I am just at the point where I don't hold any anger over what went on in our marriage anymore. If I saw him today, I would be fine with it, and I would have no problem being nice to him. I do not think I would want to socialize with him on a regular basis, that would be too weird though. I have crossed paths w/his father before (even in recent years)... we have had nice conversations. I actually like my ex-father in-law quite a bit.

My second husband is now deceased, so ever having a friendly relationship is not an option. He passed away within a year of the divorce. We parted on bad terms, and there is no way to repair that. If he were still alive, I would not want to be anywhere near him. When I left, I did not even tell him where I was living (although he did somehow manage to find out). I have heard that his family has been talking "poo" about me saying that I am like the most evil person in the world for this whole divorce. I am sorry things turned out the way they did, but there was not any way I could live with him and endure the things he was putting me through any longer. I stayed with him much longer than I should have, and put up with much more than I should have.

Very, very often those outside-looking-in have NO CLUE what's actually going on in other people's relationships, especially if they don't really want to know. It's one of those things you just have to let go of because there's no way after the fact to have your side given a fair hearing. I'd imagine in your case the death of their family member makes them even more prone to canonize him as saintly even if at one point they did have a more realistic picture. And really - who cares what they think? It may sting a little if you lost relationships that were important to you amongst his family, but there's really no winning this one.

As for the whole being friends with exes thing, I personally think it's a more attractive idea to those who wish they weren't exes and maybe hold out some faint hope - KWIM? Or those who feel guilty about having dumped somebody and are maybe trying to assuage their own guilt by offering to be pals.