Let's keep those family issues going - birthdays

[sk!mom]

My sister lives close to my other sister and for years she tried pressuring my sister into attending these type of events and was always livid because in her mind "there's no excuse for her not to".

We do not have children and sometimes extended family assumes that means we can come to anything and everything even though we have almost no family within 500 miles of our home. Guess what? We do not go to everything. we are very selective about what we attend. We decide how we want to spend our holidays and sometimes we stay at home and they can come to us or, like this past Christmas, no one comes. No hard feelings. You cannot please everyone all of the time.

Don't you just love how some people think they get to decide if your excuse for not attending is good enough?

It used to work a guilt trip on me but as I've matured myself, I realize that I don't need to make any excuse. "SO sorry, can't make it." Is good enough.

And all that said, I'm really a person who shows up. I love my people and want them to know it. Which really is another reason that I get annoyed if anyone is less than understanding when I cannot.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Alright, my son is done nursing so I can't waste any more time on this.

I started this discussion because I was upset my brother felt the need to lie to me when he's declined to attend things in the past, no questions asked. Either you can make it or you can't. Yes, I am upset for my DD5 because if he keeps skipping her party, it could build resentment (no one here has had an aunt or grandparent who they felt favored a sibling over them?).

And lies are black and white to me. Always better to be truthful. Very, very rarely is lying the better option. I can't even think of an example off the top of my head.

I may seem argumentative, but I wanted to respond to each post, so that I wasn't ignoring anyone who took the time to respond. That probably did make me appear argumentative. That and I don't feel I'm clearly wording things. Maybe it's post pregnancy hormones, maybe it is exhaustion. Maybe I'm just going insane. Anything is possible.

And I do want to know why SIL isn't coming around anymore. I've asked my brother how she's doing, I've reached out to her. I get "fine" or "okay". If they want to tell me, they will. In the meantime, all I can comment on is the result of her withdrawing.

And, maybe that was martyr - ed - y of me, me posting screenshots. I just got tired of repeating myself. Go ahead and count the posts where I said, "If someone can't come, that's fine. I don't ask why." And then the number of people afterwards who said, "Yeah, I really don't believe that. You're pushing people to lie to you." And I snapped.

And, probably most importantly, this isn't even a huge deal. I'm angry he lied to me, but I'll get over it. I don't like being lied to. But I wanted to vent. I mentioned it to my sister and husband, but didn't say much because I don't want to let my kids hear me complain about thinking my brother is lying to me. I try not to speak poorly of family in front of them. I don't want to pass on my preconceived notions to them.

And I'd like to thank those who tried to give me different perspectives. And I know family dynamics change, it is the nature of things when we all start our own lives. We've spent plenty of holidays and birthdays apart. But I don't think lying needs to enter into the equation. "Tell DD5 we are sorry, but we can't make it. Hope she had a happy birthday." Done. That is all it needed to be.

See, and now I'm rambling. I don't even remember what I started with. Anyway, thank everyone who responded. I'm going to unfollow this thread because I don't think I'm conveying myself well and this is just going no where.

 

[Christine]

Some people are very uncomfortable just telling the truth and being bluntly honest. I'm not sure why. Well, actually, I know why. I am one of those somewhat bluntly truthful people. If I were your brother, I would just say: You know what Sis, I'm just worn out from the holidays and I need some downtime and I don't feel like a party. I'll send a card/gift, etc.

When I have been totally honest like that, I've actually seen people flinch or I've caught the hesitation/slip in their voice if I'm on the phone. Harder to detect via text, for sure. People really have a tough time with honesty like that. I don't. I just want to be truthful. But some people are very concerned with hurting feelings or making someone mad. While you say you won't be mad, and maybe you wouldn't, he probably doesn't think that. So he tells you a white lie.

As to the wife, I agree with another poster. If you all have had a great relationship for 20 years and she's now stepping back and opting out, it's pretty black and white. She's either having emotional issues/anxiety/depression herself or your family (maybe you and your sister) have ticked her off somehow and she's had enough. There's really no other logic for it. Maybe it's not bad enough that she needs to have a come-to-Jesus over it with you, but figured she'd just take a step back and take you all in smaller doses. Your brother now just may find it easier to come up with some other excuse so he doesn't have to address it.

As to the December birthdays: they suck. My son's is the 21st and mine is the 30th. By the time the 30th rolls around *I* don't even want to go to another celebration for myself. I think my parents struggled with this always. Figuring out how to make my birthday special when everyone had family/party fatigue. If you find your daughter getting the short-shrift with her close-to-Xmas birthday, I suggest having a small half birthday summer party for her.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Just clairfying these since they were posted while I was typing out the above reply.

Ok but same situation where someone has told you they probably won't make it and you don't give up trying to make it work for them. When someone tells me they probably can't make it I immediate assume they probably don't want to and don't push it. This is

No. I had asked my MIL when he worked, she told me she thought he worked the weekend but to ask him. Hence the "Mom says you probably can't." She wasn't sure and told me to check with him.

Has your brother always had a job where he may need to work weekends, or is that a more recent development?

Different brother (actually this is a BIL). No kids (Although they're expecting their first which is super exciting).

 

[Sabeking]

MamaBelle4, I don’t know if I am interpreting your tone correctly but you appear to be super frustrated with the lying. You have said several times that lying is a form of contention for you. It may be something for someone else that puts them over the edge so to say. If he lied for whatever reason you can’t change that or who he is. You could confront him or focus on the only thing you can change in this situation and that is your reaction to him. That doesn’t make it right when he lies but it may make you more at peace if you accept him for what it is till he gets that worked out. Show him some grace and if your child gets frustrated with their not showing up use it as learning tool for he/she to realize people can’t do everything and we don’t always know why.

 

[MamaBelle4]

And here I am replying again! I can't stop myself.

As to the wife, I agree with another poster. If you all have had a great relationship for 20 years and she's now stepping back and opting out, it's pretty black and white. She's either having emotional issues/anxiety/depression herself or your family (maybe you and your sister) have ticked her off somehow and she's had enough. There's really no other logic for it.

I completely agree. I wish I knew what it was, or at least if I did something to cause it, if I could mend it or at least attempt to. Unless and until I know why she's withdrawing, I can't do anything but touch base with her on occasion and ask how she's doing.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

My entire family blew off my younger kids birthday this year. No card, no phone call, not even a text. It’s like the older kids are grown/just about grown and the youngest just get forgotten. It used to make me furious on there behalf but the weird thing is, they barely seem to notice. I’ve stopped throwing parties and have turned their birthday into a personal day. I let them skip school this year. We went to the movies and out to dinner then had cake and presents at home. I’ve stopped trying to make up for my family and I don’t make excuses for them. I have low expectations these days and my kids thankfully have none.

I know that’s not really advice but just don’t mention this uncle being invited. If you’re upset, she’ll be upset. If you act like it’s not a big deal, she’ll follow your lead.

My family always blew off my kids. They have been to one...count 'em....one birthday party...for DD#2 (and I purchased the cards and presents for them to give to her...seriously). Not one for DS or DD#1.

My husband's family has been to one birthday party for DS, and none for DD#2.

Made me so mad for years. Then I realized that this was THEIR loss. My kids were happy and healthy without all the bull-crud that our families brought to the table. Yes, I go a bit overboard on the holidays/bdays, present wise, but that's all they get...nothing from family.

 

[cabanafrau]

Alright, my son is done nursing so I can't waste any more time on this.

I started this discussion because I was upset my brother felt the need to lie to me when he's declined to attend things in the past, no questions asked. Either you can make it or you can't. Yes, I am upset for my DD5 because if he keeps skipping her party, it could build resentment (no one here has had an aunt or grandparent who they felt favored a sibling over them?).

And lies are black and white to me. Always better to be truthful. Very, very rarely is lying the better option. I can't even think of an example off the top of my head.

I may seem argumentative, but I wanted to respond to each post, so that I wasn't ignoring anyone who took the time to respond. That probably did make me appear argumentative. That and I don't feel I'm clearly wording things. Maybe it's post pregnancy hormones, maybe it is exhaustion. Maybe I'm just going insane. Anything is possible.

And I do want to know why SIL isn't coming around anymore. I've asked my brother how she's doing, I've reached out to her. I get "fine" or "okay". If they want to tell me, they will. In the meantime, all I can comment on is the result of her withdrawing.

And, maybe that was martyr - ed - y of me, me posting screenshots. I just got tired of repeating myself. Go ahead and count the posts where I said, "If someone can't come, that's fine. I don't ask why." And then the number of people afterwards who said, "Yeah, I really don't believe that. You're pushing people to lie to you." And I snapped.

And, probably most importantly, this isn't even a huge deal. I'm angry he lied to me, but I'll get over it. I don't like being lied to. But I wanted to vent. I mentioned it to my sister and husband, but didn't say much because I don't want to let my kids hear me complain about thinking my brother is lying to me. I try not to speak poorly of family in front of them. I don't want to pass on my preconceived notions to them.

And I'd like to thank those who tried to give me different perspectives. And I know family dynamics change, it is the nature of things when we all start our own lives. We've spent plenty of holidays and birthdays apart. But I don't think lying needs to enter into the equation. "Tell DD5 we are sorry, but we can't make it. Hope she had a happy birthday." Done. That is all it needed to be.

See, and now I'm rambling. I don't even remember what I started with. Anyway, thank everyone who responded. I'm going to unfollow this thread because I don't think I'm conveying myself well and this is just going no where.

If you genuinely mean the bolded, try holding yourself to a limit of, "We'll really miss you guys, but we know sometimes it just can't work out."

It concerns me that you may give a bit of lip service to differing perspectives and understanding family dynamics change -- yet you are still holding fast to every single one of your counterpoints -- Your DD will grow resentful, lies are black and white, inquired about SIL and don't get the truth so you assume, cannot understand the subtle pressure you've given people when they decline invitations.

The screenshots weren't the martyr moves. The passive aggressive comments about how you're clearly a PITA or a monster, or my favorite where you had no more text evidence available because you've only had the phone a couple months -- that's the kind of thing that signals someone is flailing to prove a point. I wholeheartedly recommend you consider limiting your response to declined invitations as I suggested above. I'm not making a rude dig at you, but a sincere effort to show you a way you may be inflicting pain on yourself and those you care about without any ill intent to do so.

 

[Wendy31]

Both DH & I come from families where there is an underlying "obligation" or "duty" to attend whatever family event has been scheduled - unless we have a valid, preplanned, pre-scheduled event happening at the same time of the family event, we know we're expected to be there.

And, honestly, it's exhausting, &, it's gotten to the point, where, instead of looking forward to the event, most of the time, we just see it as another thing we have to do when we'd rather be doing something else.

And it's irritating when, for whatever reason after you've told someone, "I'm sorry we won't be able to make it," the person responds & keeps pressuring you w/ things like, "Well, then, what time will work for you?" or "Would another day be better?"

I understand, OP, you're upset because your brother is not attending one of your children's birthday parties & you feel misled by his responses. You feel, if he attends one child's birthday party, he needs to attend all of the children's birthday parties, so the one child, whose party he doesn't attend, doesn't feel left out or slighted. I assure you, as long as YOU don't make a big deal about it, your child won't care at all.

We have 3 kids. Every year, for ages 1-9 & then for ages 13 & 16, I do elaborate, themed birthday parties, & we invite both of our families (our parents & our siblings & their children) in addition to any other friends - some years, it's just family, &, some years, we've invited friends as well. (The years we don't have a birthday party, our parents - our children's grandparents - are still invited to join us for lunch/dinner & birthday cake.)

If someone can't attend one of our parties for some reason, I honestly don't care. I don't even care if they make up an excuse to not attend.

When all is said & done, I will have done 33 birthday parties. Over the years, everyone has attended enough of our kids' birthday parties that our children don't feel slighted in the least if one year one relative can't make it (for whatever reason) to his/her birthday party.

For the past 2 years, 1 of DH's brothers & his family has been out of town on the day we've had our younger DS's birthday party. At the time I was scheduling his party, I knew they'd be out of town, but I didn't try to find another date that would accommodate them. I picked a date that worked best for our family & DH's work schedule & went w/ it. And both DS & I were completely fine w/ them not being at his party. This year, the following week happened to be our older DS's 16th birthday party, & they were able to attend it. Younger DS wasn't upset that they had attended his brother's party but not his.

For your own sake & sanity, I think you need to come to the realization that not everyone is going to put the same priorities on things as you do, and that's okay.

Not everyone likes children's birthday parties. Not everyone feels like they have to attend every niece & nephew birthday party every single year.

Some people have a hard time knowing how to decline an invitation - especially if there is a feeling that declining the invitation will cause hard feelings or "drama" - so they tend to be more evasive or non-committal in their responses.

 

[tcufrog]

I don’t like to be lied to either, however I’ve learned over the years that if I want people to be honest with me I have to act in a way that makes it easy and safe for people to be honest with me and tell me the truth.

 

[gotomu212]

I just wanted to add one more thought on the “family is important” theme because family is very important to me too- especially my own kids (and I think I’ve read correctly that your brother also has a young baby). Large family gatherings are wonderful, but when I’m at them I am spending very little time with my own kids. At our big family Christmas I got to hold my baby for 15 minutes during a 5 hour period, and only because I had to nurse her. That was fine because we don’t have big gatherings like this often and everyone wants to pass a baby around. My older son was running around with his cousins and only stopped for me to make sure he ate.

However if these were a more regular occurrence it would be hard for me to justify not spending as much one on one time with my kids. Between work, school, and activities weekends are our family time and an extended family gathering actually takes me away from my kids. If your sister in law is pulling back she may be saying I want to spend quiet time at home with my baby instead of serving food and talking to inlaws while the baby is passed around. She might be saying you know enough is enough I really need to pull back on my commitments so that we can simplify and focus on less running around and more meaningful family time.

Just another perspective on why your sister in law might be setting more boundaries on her family time.

 

[powellrj]

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I am not in your family and the whole birthday party thing exhausted me. I don’t think he lied to you as much as he just wanted the whole party thing to die. When he said he couldn’t go, just say sorry we will miss you and let it go. Don’t ask anyone if he has to work, don’t blame his wife, just let it go.

My kids are grown now, but growing up they had no idea what adults were at their parties, all they cared about were cake and gifts. My brother and his wife always forget my middle dss birthday. We would invite them, but they would not only forget to come, they wouldn’t get him a gift. He never noticed and I never mentioned it. He is very close to them which I don’t think would be the case if I had mentioned it over the years.

I know what it’s like not to be the favorite grandchild, my cousins lived with my grandparents and were always favored, but my parents knew there wasn’t much they could do, so they never made a big deal about it, so I never did. Once I became an adult, my mom told me how much it hurt her, but I never knew, so it never affected my relationship with them.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I don’t like to be lied to either, however I’ve learned over the years that if I want people to be honest with me I have to act in a way that makes it easy and safe for people to be honest with me and tell me the truth.

Well said. I think that's why my children never lied to me (that I know of anyway). They knew it was safe to tell me the truth.

 

[Southernmiss]

I think it may be time to rethink birthday parties in your family. I have four kids and at one time they were 7 and under. So I get how close in age your kids are. I also have a daughter born December 17th, at the holidays.

When they were younger I combined birthday parties --two boys were born in June so they had one party together for family. I've also combined our daughter, who was born in December, birthday party with our son born in February. We split the difference and had the party in late January. It became a lot easier on me and a lot easier on extended family to come to just a couple of birthday parties instead of being commanded to come to parties throughout the year.

They're all 16 and older now and no worse for the wear. In fact we were busy and our daughter only had a cookie cake and our immediate family singing happy birthday to her and hanging out playing video games this year. That was a treat as 2 of her brothers are in college and the other is married and lives out of state.

And we are close to a lot of family living in town. We are very glad to get together on major holidays - Christmas, Easter and a couple of birthdays sprinkled through the year and other family celebrations.

That proves to be enough togetherness time for us without dragging everyone to every. single. birthday. celebration.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Well said. I think that's why my children never lied to me (that I know of anyway). They knew it was safe to tell me the truth.

Well my mom and I had quite an open relationship but no I didn't tell her (until years later) that I went over to my friends house as a sophmore,junior and senior and drank alcohol (though we all stayed put and didn't go out somewhere) when we had sleepovers or that my high school graduation I was at a party with alcohol drinking alcohol the next street over from my house (she knew I was out with friends but not that I was at a party) or that when we said we were going to X friend's house we didn't really stay there the whole night but instead went over to Y friend's house.

Though I did tell her I wanted to skip for senior skip day after my chem test that I couldn't skip..so I did ask for permission for that.

And there are other things as well.

I think that most kids who have an open safe relationship still keep some things from their parents. The parents may never know or they may find out years later when it usually doesn't matter. I would guess that most things kept a secret aren't a big deal.

I know for sure though my mom wouldn't say that just because she had an open and safe relationship with me that I never lied to her. I think she knows that some things, just like she did with her parents and just like she knows my sister did with her, weren't told to her or what was told wasn't the truth or the full truth and she would fully admit she did the same with her mom. Again most things don't tend to be a big deal.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Well my mom and I had quite an open relationship but no I didn't tell her (until years later) that I went over to my friends house as a sophmore,junior and senior and drank alcohol (though we all stayed put and didn't go out somewhere) when we had sleepovers or that my high school graduation I was at a party with alcohol drinking alcohol the next street over from my house (she knew I was out with friends but not that I was at a party) or that when we said we were going to X friend's house we didn't really stay there the whole night but instead went over to Y friend's house.

Though I did tell her I wanted to skip for senior skip day after my chem test that I couldn't skip..so I did ask for permission for that.

And there are other things as well.

I think that most kids who have an open safe relationship still keep some things from their parents. The parents may never know or they may find out years later when it usually doesn't matter. I would guess that most things kept a secret aren't a big deal.

I know for sure though my mom wouldn't say that just because she had an open and safe relationship with me that I never lied to her. I think she knows that some things, just like she did with her parents and just like she knows my sister did with her, weren't told to her or what was told wasn't the truth or the full truth and she would fully admit she did the same with her mom. Again most things don't tend to be a big deal.

I'm talking about MY kids and our relationship.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm talking about MY kids and our relationship.

I'm well aware of that. Don't know why you perceive my comment some way that you need to respond to it in that manner.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, your very first post in this thread comes across like you think him not coming is the problem, not the lying about why.
Maybe you don't realize that you are putting pressure on him.
Maybe he feels pressure because this is what your family does- you get together for every birthday and he just doesn't want too.
Maybe he is feeling pressure to save his wife's reputation in you and your family's eyes so instead of being honest about her not wanting to go he makes something up.
I understand you not wanting to be lied too, nobody does but unless your brother is a pathological liar there is a reason he feels he has too. Going forward I would just accept his declining the invite and not dwell on why, or why you think he isn't coming. That is only going to end up causing family stress and this is kind of a minor thing to get upset about.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I did say that to him. I've said it before to other siblings and to him. And I usually say DD's party is this time, let me know if you can make it." And that's it. It is the lie that is making me crazy.

If you want me to be honest with you on why I think he's lying, I think it is his wife. She has started to refuse to come to family functions for about a year now. I think she was there last Christmas? I think he's tired of making excuses for her, or of people asking where she is. He usually brings his son. This past Christmas, Nephew was upset because Mommy wasn't there, so brother said that the real reason Nephew was upset was because my newborn baby (born 12/13) tried to kiss him. I didn't even respond because it made absolutely no sense. After he left he called my mom and said he spoke to Nephew and Nephew was upset because Mom didn't come too.

So I think my brother is being pitted between spending time with his family, or upsetting his son because his wife won't come around anymore. If I was him, I'd pick what didn't upset my child 9/10, so I don't blame him. He's in a rough spot. And, as I've said, it makes me sad. But he doesn't have to lie to me. Just a simple, hey we can't make it. I like to think I'm an understanding person, but I cannot tolerate being lied to. It makes me irrationally angry.

Get over it. You are an adult. You KNOW he is lying. You are setting him up at this point and making yourself upset.

Again, treat him as the "Prodigal Son". Be happy if he shows.

I am 52 and BTDT.

In other words don't create "more bad blood". Less said the better in my LIFE EXPERIENCE.

It hurts, I understand fully the emotions you have, esp. for the youngest kid.

Just let it go....Send an invite and be done.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I'm well aware of that. Don't know why you perceive my comment some way that you need to respond to it in that manner.

Probably because you quoted me.