Let's keep those family issues going - birthdays

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Probably because you quoted me.

Well there wasn't any ill will towards me quoting you but you obviously took it in some way. You didn't have to respond at all to me if you didn't want to it wasn't required.

 

[VandVsmama]

Maybe....just maybe...this relative of yours is like my SIL. She is a people-pleaser. And she's very flaky. We really enjoy spending time with her and her family. But oftentimes, it takes an act of God for her to make a decision. And if you need her to RSVP for something, her way of saying "No" is to say "Maybe" or "We'll have to see." Then she just never gets back to you. Or if you ask her again, she'll say "Maybe" again. Even a couple of days beforehand. So I always assume now that when she says "Maybe," it really means no.

I think it's kind of rude and it gets on my nerves sometimes. But there's not a darn thing I can do about it. So on occasions when we invite them to do something with us, we just assume that they won't ever show up. Then if they do, it's icing on the cake. BUT what I will NOT do is prepare extra food, extra place settings, etc., etc. just in case she decides to show up.

This isn't excusing your relative's behavior. It's just 1 of many possible explanations. Regardless, he's being a bit of a jerk by not RSVP'ing. At the same time, maybe next time, you might want to consider making it more clear that you want an RSVP. Because perhaps the way you extended the invite to him made it sound like it was a casual thing and you didn't care if he came or not.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Well there wasn't any ill will towards me quoting you but you obviously took it in some way. You didn't have to respond at all to me if you didn't want to it wasn't required.

Sigh. No, it's just your idea of an open relationship with your mother is very different than my parenting. You've spoken in the past of your parent's discipline techniques which I can assure you are different than mine. In fact, my kids were never in trouble for their mistakes. I'd talked to them and then it was settled. No hitting, no punishments and no grounding. Therefore, if they wanted to skip a class once in a while, they would ask me and I probably said yes. The few times they drank underage they told me too.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Sigh. No, it's just your idea of an open relationship with your mother is very different than my parenting. You've spoken in the past of your parent's discipline techniques which I can assure you are different than mine. In fact, my kids were never in trouble for their mistakes. I'd talked to them and then it was settled. No hitting, no punishments and no grounding. Therefore, if they wanted to skip a class once in a while, they would ask me and I probably said yes. The few times they drank underage they told me too.

Ok it appears you took my post in a way it wasn't intended.

But still if you don't want to engage in a conversation with me you don't have to but you also don't have to be rude about it; just ignore my post if you don't agree with what I was saying or don't want to have a discussion--this is after all a discussion board where posting comments may mean someone responds to them. Perhaps your comment should have read "I think that's why my children never lied to me (that I know of anyway). They knew it was safe to tell me the truth but I'm not looking for anyone to comment about it" and I would have respected that you weren't looking for any responses towards your comment.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Ok it appears you took my post in a way it wasn't intended.

But still if you don't want to engage in a conversation with me you don't have to but you also don't have to be rude about it; just ignore my post if you don't agree with what I was saying or don't want to have a discussion--this is after all a discussion board where posting comments may mean someone responds to them. Perhaps your comment should have read "I think that's why my children never lied to me (that I know of anyway). They knew it was safe to tell me the truth but I'm not looking for anyone to comment about it" and I would have respected that you weren't looking for any responses towards your comment.

I don't need anyone to tell me how my comment should have read but thanks.

 

[Shanti]

I'm the youngest of 5. One brother is our of the equation (LONG story there), but the rest of us are relatively tight knit.

For the second year in a row, my brother is not coming to my one daughter's birthday. Last year the excuse was "If we are up early enough we will come." It was at 1 pm, and they have a son who was 3.

This year, supposedly her niece's party is at the same time and they already said they'd go. Well, when I texted my brother last week about DH welding something for him, he said "Either day next weekend is fine, just let me know." I responded, "Well, we are having DD5 birthday on Saturday, so let's plan for Sunday." He said nothing and he knew he was invited.

They come to about half of my kids' birthdays and bring presents for some of them. I don't care if they do or don't, but wish they'd be consistent. And it hurts that for the second year it will be my family, my sister and my parents and that's it for her. (We are doing 2 parties this year - one for my side and one for DH's because of timing). My other brother had to work so he and his son are hanging out with her on Friday.

I would never skip out on my nephew's (and niece now too) birthdays. It just seems like DD5 gets the short end of the stick being born right after Christmas and he can't ever take the time to come to her parties but comes to some of her sisters'. I just wish he would be consistent. Either come or don't. DD5 is going to eventually notice.

I'd be annoyed, too. I'd sweetly comment to him how much his neice missed having him at her party. And we wouldn't be doing lots of favors for him, if he can't be bothered to attend my child's birthday party. I wouldn't complain to him or quarrel about it, but it would be a negative mark for him in my book.

I don't buy the excuses that he or some others on this thread are making. He could easily attend, but just isn't bothering to.

 

[sk!mom]

You know what. Maybe I am a demanding PITA. here's an example of how I handle it when someone can't come to a kid's party.

View attachment 293810

I'm a monster everyone has to lie to.

I asked my MIL (the Mom I'm referencing here, what Batman's work schedule was so I could try to plan for a time he could come) He couldn't make it and I just plain flew off the handle.

You quoted me with this comment so just let me say that I never said nor meant to imply that.

To me, your level of upset over this seems way out of proportion to the issue. It honestly seems like a nonissue that you are turning into an issue. My perception was simply that if you are as upset as your responses come across to me, and you've vented to your sister, and discussed someone's possible absence with your mom on a previous occasion then I highly doubt that your brother and SIL do not feel pressured by you.

Again, I would encourage you to try and develop a more laid back attitude regarding events and invitations.

 

[gopack]

OP maybe your sadness that your brother and his family are withdrawing from the family is coming out as frustration about this Birthday situation. Also, you must be exhausted with a one month old and four other kids! Hope it all works out.

 

[Shanti]

I'm talking about MY kids and our relationship.

Yes, and it's very likely that YOUR children have lied to you at some point in your relationship.

 

[sk!mom]

For your own sake & sanity, I think you need to come to the realization that not everyone is going to put the same priorities on things as you do, and that's okay.

Not everyone likes children's birthday parties. Not everyone feels like they have to attend every niece & nephew birthday party every single year.

Some people have a hard time knowing how to decline an invitation - especially if there is a feeling that declining the invitation will cause hard feelings or "drama" - so they tend to be more evasive or non-committal in their responses.

Possibly the best advice in the whole thread.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'd be annoyed, too. I'd sweetly comment to him how much his neice missed having him at her party. And we wouldn't be doing lots of favors for him, if he can't be bothered to attend my child's birthday party. I wouldn't complain to him or quarrel about it, but it would be a negative mark for him in my book.

I don't buy the excuses that he or some others on this thread are making. He could easily attend, but just isn't bothering to.

Thankfully in my family there would be nothing to "buy" because we understand that coming to a birthday party isn't mandatory.

 

[Skywalker]

I'm the youngest of 5. One brother is our of the equation (LONG story there), but the rest of us are relatively tight knit.

For the second year in a row, my brother is not coming to my one daughter's birthday. Last year the excuse was "If we are up early enough we will come." It was at 1 pm, and they have a son who was 3.

This year, supposedly her niece's party is at the same time and they already said they'd go. Well, when I texted my brother last week about DH welding something for him, he said "Either day next weekend is fine, just let me know." I responded, "Well, we are having DD5 birthday on Saturday, so let's plan for Sunday." He said nothing and he knew he was invited.

They come to about half of my kids' birthdays and bring presents for some of them. I don't care if they do or don't, but wish they'd be consistent. And it hurts that for the second year it will be my family, my sister and my parents and that's it for her. (We are doing 2 parties this year - one for my side and one for DH's because of timing). My other brother had to work so he and his son are hanging out with her on Friday.

I would never skip out on my nephew's (and niece now too) birthdays. It just seems like DD5 gets the short end of the stick being born right after Christmas and he can't ever take the time to come to her parties but comes to some of her sisters'. I just wish he would be consistent. Either come or don't. DD5 is going to eventually notice.

OP if you are so low-key and easy going about issuing invitations, there really wouldn't be all this score-keeping going on. You mention this is two years in a row, you remember his specific excuse from last year, they come to half your kids parties, you would never skip out on their kids, DD gets the short end of the stick, you wish he would be consistent, etc. etc...(and none of this even touches on the lying, which another whole judgment I guess). I can feel the pressure of these parties and I don't even know you. I think you should back off and really try to make it not matter so much. Sheesh.

 

[mjkacmom]

OP, I think some of these feelings might stem from having a new baby, and I assume some exhaustion. Having 5 kids in under 7 years, I have empathy. I felt the worst after #2, I remember feeling disappointed in friends, looking back it wasn’t rational. I remember being overwhelmed when they came to visit soon after ds was born, and then abandoned when they weren’t constantly calling or coming by. Not the same issue that you’re having, but a similar overreaction. I was just over sensitive.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I'd be annoyed, too. I'd sweetly comment to him how much his neice missed having him at her party. And we wouldn't be doing lots of favors for him, if he can't be bothered to attend my child's birthday party. I wouldn't complain to him or quarrel about it, but it would be a negative mark for him in my book.

I don't buy the excuses that he or some others on this thread are making. He could easily attend, but just isn't bothering to.

How could you possibly know so much about people you've never met?

 

[sk!mom]

I'd be annoyed, too. I'd sweetly comment to him how much his neice missed having him at her party. And we wouldn't be doing lots of favors for him, if he can't be bothered to attend my child's birthday party. I wouldn't complain to him or quarrel about it, but it would be a negative mark for him in my book.

I don't buy the excuses that he or some others on this thread are making. He could easily attend, but just isn't bothering to.

You keep a mental scorecard and give your family negative marks for petty and possibly imagined offenses. Wow! That's a sure way to breed unhealthy damaged relationships.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

It's possible your brother and SIL are dealing with personal matters that have nothing to do with you, but are making it difficult for them to attend as many family gatherings as they did before.

*OR*

SIL, after 20 years of putting up with "it" (whatever "it" may be), said to your brother "I'm done with those people. You can have whatever relationship you want with them but leave me out of it." Your brother tried for the next year to maintain his family relationships but is starting to realize his wife is right. "It" (drama, dysfunction, toxic person/people) is never going to change and now he is starting to pull away too, just like the other brother did.

OP, if you are honest with yourself, and you don't have to answer here, is the latter a possibility? Is there something or someone in your family's dynamic that might drive someone away?

 

[Wendy31]

OP, I just reread your original post.

You said your brother first said they couldn't attend your child's birthday party because they were, instead, attending your sister-in-law's niece's birthday party. But, then, when you asked him what day would work better for your DH to do some welding for him, he said either Saturday or Sunday would work.

And, that's why you're claiming he lied.

Could it possibly be that he meant your DH could weld either day because your brother was assuming that the sister-in-law's niece's birthday party wouldn't take the entire day? So, yes, your DH could weld on Saturday morning or evening, because the niece's birthday party was Saturday afternoon - it's just that they couldn't attend your DD's birthday party because the other birthday party was scheduled for the same time.

And, while it's hurtful when you feel your brother has chosen his wife's family over your family, possibly your sister-in-law's niece's birthday party was scheduled first, & they were invited to the niece's birthday party before they were invited to your DD's party.

Or maybe he did lie to you. Maybe his wife is avoiding your family for some reason. You really don't know.

I know it's hard. Family dynamics can be difficult, situations can be misunderstood, & feelings can be hurt.

But to take away some of your anger at your feeling you've been lied to (& you said that was the part that was bothering you the most), maybe it's better to just give your brother the benefit of the doubt & extend toward him & his family the same sort of grace you'd wish to be extended to you & your family in the same sort of circumstance.

 

[rigs32]

I completely agree. I wish I knew what it was, or at least if I did something to cause it, if I could mend it or at least attempt to. Unless and until I know why she's withdrawing, I can't do anything but touch base with her on occasion and ask how she's doing.

She may not want to disclose whatever issue she's having and she's entitled to that privacy.

My SO's family sounds a lot like the OP's. There are so many people and most are close knit. I would say that a good portion doesn't socialize outside the family much, if at all. And there is definitely gossip about those who don't do as expected. One spouse has a medical issue that keeps her from events at times and many cousins will talk badly about her because of it, and while I try to stick up for her, their minds are made up. So there are definitely times that I/we may not be brutally honest about our reasons for declining because while I may not be challenged individually, I know the family gossip will analyze the reasons given. OP may not be the reason her brother and SIL aren't being brutally honest.

We all have different time needs - for sleep, down time, socialization, work, etc. If I work a 60+ hour week, I need sleep and rest to keep be from burning out and to keep my blood pressure in check.

 

[morgan98]

It's possible your brother and SIL are dealing with personal matters that have nothing to do with you, but are making it difficult for them to attend as many family gatherings as they did before.

*OR*

SIL, after 20 years of putting up with "it" (whatever "it" may be), said to your brother "I'm done with those people. You can have whatever relationship you want with them but leave me out of it." Your brother tried for the next year to maintain his family relationships but is starting to realize his wife is right. "It" (drama, dysfunction, toxic person/people) is never going to change and now he is starting to pull away too, just like the other brother did.

OP, if you are honest with yourself, and you don't have to answer here, is the latter a possibility? Is there something or someone in your family's dynamic that might drive someone away?

Your first point about brother and sister in law dealing with personal matters came to my mind too and is why I have said that the brother's first obligation is to his family. Again, I still think think the OPs focus on this "lying" is what is making her upset. The brother is probably trying to remain loyal to his wife's feelings while not upsetting his sister. I don't think dissecting his every word is helping matters and calling him a liar over this is crazy. It isn't like he is cheating or living a double life or lying about one of thousands of other things that are more consequential.

I do not consider myself a liar at all, However, yes I have told a white lie to get out going to an obligation I don't want to attend. I have told someone (when asked) that I like an outfit that I may not really love, etc. Some of these things are not lies so much as just keeping the peace.

 

[Shanti]

You keep a mental scorecard and give your family negative marks for petty and possibly imagined offenses. Wow! That's a sure way to breed unhealthy damaged relationships.

We're a very close and happy family, actually. We also spend holidays together and attend the little ones' birthday parties as a matter of course.

We don't blow off family events.