Let's keep those family issues going - birthdays

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by MamaBelle4, Jan 11, 2018 at 11:13 AM.

  1. mi*vida*loca

    mi*vida*loca Collect memories, not things

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    This is exactly what I do. Lying is my #1 pet peeve.

    Everyone in SO's family knows that during football season he doesn't leave the house on Sunday. I prefer to stay home too but if my team isn't playing and it's something I would like to go to I will make an exception. His family still plans things on a Sunday and we will tell them "Sorry but that's football Sunday." At first we got the flinching and hesitation and the "you're joking right" but now they just know. And since the other men in the family refuse to come they don't do things on Sunday now. lol They are having a bday party for one of the kids this Sunday but the Eagles play Saturday so I can make it.

    And I have been known to tell someone "I'm just tired and want to sit on my couch and do nothing today."

    I have a December birthday. I've never as an adult planned ANYTHING for my birthday. No one likes to go out in the cold, no one wants to spend extra money in December, everyone's calendars are full. So I just do something with my SO and kids. Sometimes, as a group, we decide something last minute and just hit a bar but that's about it. I have thought about celebrating in June!
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018 at 2:10 PM
  2. Wendy31

    Wendy31 DIS Veteran

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    My DH's family is like this as well - right down to a spouse w/ a medical issue, & it's very stressful. I've been there when other family members are being gossiped about, & I know I've been gossiped about during other times. And, admittedly, I've even participated in some of the gossip sessions.

    About 5 years ago, we lost a family member unexpectedly, & her death (& some things that occurred in our family prior to her death) taught me a lot about myself & family situations. I can't go back & change anything, but I act & react differently now. I'm much more inclined to extend grace & forgiveness, to speak up when needed, & to stay silent & not participate during other times.
     
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  4. gillep

    gillep DIS Veteran

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    I definitely know what it is like to marry an only and beloved son, my SILs also freely admit that I have had it so much worse than any of their boyfriends/fiances/husbands just because I married the son of the family.

    I will also say that at least in my experience, and that of many of my friends, there is much more scrutiny put on me and my actions when I attend his family functions than for him. No one would think twice if my husband was just chilling around in the living room, engaging in random chatter when people came to speak with him, but otherwise not really having to put forth much effort. If I did that, especially in our early years, people would think that I was upset, or didn't want to be there, or being rude. It is a lot more exhausting for me to go to his family functions than vice versa, as I really need to be 'on', whereas DH does not, and thankfully my husband recognizes that. This is also why when we visit my family I make sure that DH has some time to himself as well, or just the two of us, as I know that it can be more difficult for spouses in certain situations.
     
  5. sk!mom

    sk!mom DIS Veteran

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    You sound very young to me. Blessings on keeping all of that going as new family members are added and kids grow up. Missing an event is often not "blowing it off."
     
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  6. sk!mom

    sk!mom DIS Veteran

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    Wow! I could have written this, and my identifying so strongly with it reminds me that so much of how we all see these threads is colored by our own filter and perception.

    In my case, it was my family that was like that- Always gossiping and judging about whoever wasn't there or wasn't living up to expectations. And I too admittedly participated from a very young age.

    For me, the turning point came almost 6 years ago when my DH was diagnosed with cancer. I learned so much about myself and others during that time. I too, now, react so much differently. My new attitude of grace and forgiveness has strengthened my relationships with most and led to the ending of relationships that were truly unhealthy. My choice to remain silent has created some uncomfortable silences with some.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018 at 6:11 PM
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  7. luvsJack

    luvsJack DIS Veteran

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    Do you not think that just maybe there is another birthday party and maybe she is going without him or he knew she would if he needed your dh to come weld that day? Or maybe if your dh said Saturday, then they could figure out a time?

    Or maybe they already agreed they both need a whole weekend off to do as little as possible?

    Either way, you invited, he said no. Let it go. And stop trying to make issues where there are none.
     
  8. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    Ironically, I'm neither married to the only or the beloved son. Sadly I have no SILs either.
     
  9. disykat

    disykat DIS Veteran

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    I don't have local relatives now, so no one has ever attended my children's birthday parties. No big deal.

    I would not want to attend all those birthday parties every year and I love kids and parties. In my family growing up we had some local family. Between the cousins, we had 4 November birthdays and 3 summer birthdays. We had two birthday gatherings a year (Fall and Summer) where we had a birthday cake for the group, no presents. Presents were done at their own family celebration. (We did do a cousins present exchange at Christmas) Sometimes my grandparents would arrange their annual visit to join the November celebration as they both had November birthdays too. No hard feelings for the summer birthdays, because we usually went to visit them over the summer. We only celebrated with our geographically close cousins (the 7 of us.) There were 17 cousins on that side, plus my cousins on the other side. I can't really even imagine if we had all lived close and celebrated every birthday!

    If you want to do birthday celebrations with family, group them together by season and make it more realistic for everyone to be able to attend! In my family now we don't even do that because it would be too far to travel. Like others have said, my family travels for 1st birthday, confirmations, graduations, weddings, etc. 3 or 4 occasions for each child total.
     
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  10. bellebud

    bellebud DIS Veteran

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    Is there a possibility that someone in the extended family has knowingly or unknowingly done something to offend your brothers wife? You say she's pulled back this past year and everyone used to be pretty close. Another possibility is a child (cousin) did something to her child and she's wanting space and time. Could be something simple like a kid always takes a toy away from her kid, etc.
     
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  11. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    It's very likely something could be happening, something that everyone has "seen" but is completely unaware of. I think it's the Febreeze commercials where they talk about being noseblind to how your home, your room or your car smells and someone else comes over and all they can smell is dog or stinky feet -- sometimes that's how relationships and families are. It's possible something is going on that is genuinely bothering the SIL and you could ask everyone in OP's family and they truly have no idea because it's simply normal to them. Something could also be bothering the SIL that has absolutely nothing to do with OP's family, something she isn't prepared or equipped to share.
     
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