Maturity and Drivers Training

[wgeo]

My son is 15 with his permit. Down here they take the "classroom" portion online and we can pay to do a behind the wheel with an instructor but you don't have to. So far we haven't paid because he's doing fairly well.

One of the things that worked was that I started giving a color play by play when I drove. Like overkill. For example, "ok now I'm increasing my speed up to the speed limit which is 35, I'm looking in the mirror and I see a car coming behind us but he's moving pretty slow, so I just gonna keep an eye on him. Now I'm looking at the side streets and I don't see anyone that's gonna pull out. Ok, now we are coming up on a slow driver in the right hand lane and it looks like they are maintaining a steady speed and so I'm not worried about them coming into our lane."

Honestly, it was kind of exhausting, but I've noticed that whenever he drives somewhere new he starts narrating things out loud himself! I'm not even sure if he knows he's doing it but it clearly is calming him down. He doesn't do it on the road back and forth to school that he's driven a bunch, just on new areas.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Does she do her own laundry? Mow the lawn? Cook dinner? Maybe you can find things that she can fail at to build some grit that doesn’t involve a car crash. Cooking takes failure to get right.

Yes to all, except the lawn because her brothers do that. She also cleans the bathrooms, takes care of the cat, is a high school lacrosse goalie (ever had a lacrosse ball whipped at your body 20 times a practice/game?!) was a 8-year competitive cheerleader who was responsible for making sure her flyer was safe going into the air and coming down and now coaches a 3rd-5th grade cheer team, and is an athletic trainer for her school working football/basketball games and wrestling meets among other sports, and has even student trained for the University of Alabama as a guest trainer for a week this summer. And she wants to go into the Navy and become a field/combat doctor. She has been through some intense situations! So, I have no idea where this crazy emotional fear is coming from with driving!

Thank you for the ideas - I will try to think of some more possibilities of ways to "desensitize" her when it comes to new stressful situations.

 

[NAB]

Well I got my beginners at 16 and let them run out , I was too afraid as well. Huge cars back than...lol

Then I got them again with an instructor at 26 . All my sisters got license later, in their 20’s been driving ever since.

 

[Praying Colonel]

She doesn't sound ready and I wouldn't make her do something she's not ready for. My 2 children were that way, the 2nd one especially. We signed our kids up with an instructor and that helped a lot. That's what I'd try. Good luck.

 

[RamblingMad]

Yes to all, except the lawn because her brothers do that. She also cleans the bathrooms, takes care of the cat, is a high school lacrosse goalie (ever had a lacrosse ball whipped at your body 20 times a practice/game?!) was a 8-year competitive cheerleader who was responsible for making sure her flyer was safe going into the air and coming down and now coaches a 3rd-5th grade cheer team, and is an athletic trainer for her school working football/basketball games and wrestling meets among other sports, and has even student trained for the University of Alabama as a guest trainer for a week this summer. And she wants to go into the Navy and become a field/combat doctor. She has been through some intense situations! So, I have no idea where this crazy emotional fear is coming from with driving!

Thank you for the ideas - I will try to think of some more possibilities of ways to "desensitize" her when it comes to new stressful situations.

Good luck.

Should be fun to find stuff outside of her comfort zone.

 

[MrsPete]

I can understand why having just experienced several BAD experiences in cars, she's afraid ... but you and I both know that the answer to that fear is PRACTICE.

I don't think it's that she's not ready. I think it's just fear. So keep to the neighborhood or rural roads until she gains some confidence.

My best suggestion: Together with her, agree that you'll practice X number of times each week; then push her: "It's Monday, let's go ahead and get in our first practice." I'd think 3-4 times would be "just right". Short, repeated practice. Set her up for success by only going out in the light and in good weather ... let her add those more complicated situations after she's mastered the basics. As you practice, her skills will build, and she will feel more comfortable behind the wheel.

 

[gillep]

She has an instructor that she will be driving with that we have already paid for, I just haven't booked the times yet. And yes, that is what I am thinking - she might get her act together with the instructor, plus he has a foot brake on his side lol

I was really uncomfortable driving with my parents but did a lot better and calmed down a lot when I was with a professional instructor. I would possibly see if the instructor will do one session with her to gauge her ability and see if the instructor thinks she is ready or needs more time.

I would probably still make her do small comfortable trips with you, if she doesn't drive at all, when she goes to pick it up again she could make it out, in her head, to be much worse than it was if she has had no recent experiences, whereas if you keep her to comfortable trips consistently she may build up confidence from having many trips with no issues under her.

 

[sam_gordon]

Do you have a large parking lot nearby that is empty at times (like a church during the week or a school on a weekend)? Let her practice acceleration, braking, turns, backing, etc without worrying about other cars. As she gets comfortable with that, then add the neighborhood streets.

I remember my parents putting me in a driver's ed school. I think it was six one hour one-on-one driving practices and a couple group classroom sessions. I think either lesson 3 or lesson 4 was interstate driving. When I was teaching DD, I think I had her on the interstate at about hour 6 or 7 (she had to log her practice time).

It sounds like your DD needs some confidence. Maybe having her drive with no cars to worry about will help her.

 

[DLgal]

Believe me, I let her fail all the time. I don't baby my kids nor have I ever treated them like they are superstars. We push them to go out of their comfort zones and not give up. She does tend to have the "type A" personality of wanting to be perfect the second she tries something new for the first time, and wanting to give up when she's not. Crazy how intense it's manifested itself here.

I don't get her emotional response either, because this is a kid that normally REFUSES to cry - ever.

LOL about the side mirrors. Happens all the time in our neighborhood. Some of the streets are so narrow!

Oh man, the perfectionist personality is SUPER prone to performance anxiety. This is my son 100%, down to having anxiety even just talking to strangers because he "doesn't want to say the wrong thing." This is the fear I have with my son driving. He is absolutely unwilling/unable to make a mistake without freaking out at himself for "not doing it the right way." He shuts down and refuses to try again for quite a while. And when he does, he is constantly stressing out and questioning whether he is doing it right, to the point where he cannot just relax and let something be "good enough." This is the stuff his therapist is working with him on.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

I didn't get my drivers license until I was 17. I was about a year and a half behind my peers. Driving stressed me out, and maybe I had some performance anxiety - I had to take the driving test three times.... the second time, I didn't even leave the parking lot. I backed up by looking in my rear view, and the lady giving me the test (who I was told later normally tests the commercial truck drivers) yelled at me, "You didn't turn around and look! How did you know no one was behind you?!" And I freaked out, had a literal panic attack in the car, and told her I wouldn't be taking the test that day. Now that I'm an adult and I know that I have anxiety, I can look back at all of these small moments in my life which should have been indicators (I think my parents thought I was being dramatic).

Just to be clear, I am not a doctor and I am not diagnosing your daughter with anxiety, but I am on team don't push her. Maybe suggest that she take a little break and get back behind the wheel when she feels more comfortable. It sounds like you live in Chicago, so maybe she doesn't need a drivers license to get around, but I know for me, I was more interested in trying for my license again after my friends had gotten their licenses because I wanted to be able to meet up with them.

 

[gtpoohbear]

We are in a similar situation. DD turns 16 next month, will have had her permit for a full year at that point. They are required to log 50 hours of driving before they can apply for their license, and I can count on one hand (with fingers to spare) how many hours she has driven so far. So obviously, she's not going to be getting her license next month. (And I was SOOO ready to be done with the mom-taxi!)

Every time she tries, she gets so upset, freaks out, and says she's never doing it again. She has done a couple of sessions with a driving instructor, which went a little better, but didn't give her any additional confidence to drive again with us. At first DH and I were being pretty adamant about her pushing past the fears and doing it, but we've mostly let it go at this point. It's just not a battle worth fighting, if she really feels like she isn't ready. If we tried to force her into it, and then something terrible happened, we would feel like it was all our fault for rushing it.

She's pretty independent about taking the bus around town, and doesn't mind walking long distances either, so for now, it looks like she's stuck with that when I can't get her where she wants to go. I'm hoping at some point, as she sees more of her friends driving, that she'll start to have some motivation. But I think we should probably listen to our kids instincts on this one, as it is a non-trivial risk with high consequence.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

At this point, I feel like she just isn't ready to drive. What would you do if this was your kid?

I would let her decide when/if she wants to learn to drive. Some kids aren't mature enough at 15, or, indeed, ever. Others could be driving at 14.

She may be comfortable with having to get rides from others for the rest of her life. Or that could get old and she'll learn to drive then.

Pushing (bribing, arguing, etc) her to drive, when she's not ready won't end well.

 

[piccolopat]

I would book her with a professional instructor and let them teach her. They are experienced in assessing the student driver's abilities, teaching the necessary skills and dealing with nerves and fearfulness. Plus, kids act totally different with teachers than with parents. Ask around and get recommendations for a good instructor. Some are a lot better than others.

I agree 100% with this recommendation. A professional instructor will know exactly how to teach a nervous driver and assess if/when they are ready. We did this for our DD. We tried our best to teach her but she was so unsure of herself, despite our reassurances, that she had no interest in driving until after she graduated college. She went from being a nervous driver to someone who drives now all the time without a concern. It was well worth the cost of the private instruction.

 

[Deb & Bill]

I took driver's ed in HS my sophomore year. But I didn't get my license until I turned 21, had graduated from college and had a job teaching school about 900 miles from my parent's home. I had to have a car, so I bought a car (I had a learner's permit), I drove to my new location with my mother and aunt, took the behind the wheel test (still can't parallel park) and was fine. I just needed a real reason to drive.

The guy who taught us Driver's Ed took us out on the Interstate the second day and it was the second time I had ever driven. And he committed suicide a few months later. I hope I wasn't the reason.

 

[Hikergirl]

If it were my kid I would not push them, especially if they were expressing an irrational fear of driving.
I would take them out here and there but to not so populated places, large parking lots and back roads before I scheduled the times with the instructor.
My rule was that I was not driving you to your college classes so you must have your license by then.

 

[DuskKodesh]

This is going to sound really weird but I'm 35 and never had a driver's license. My dad taught me when I was little on country roads, did great. Grew up, got around people... people who drive crazy while their eyes are on their phone.. needless to say I started to freak out. Being in several light crashes from others not paying attention didn't help the matter so I moved to a decent city and I honestly ride the busline anywhere I need to go. Now I'm NOT saying for one minute that your daughter has a phobia like mine, not at all, but maybe let her pick the pace a bit? Odds are good she'll slowly get used to it and her skills and confidence will get better but right now she has to feel safe when she drives and that might mean country roads and minimal people. No matter what I hope it works out, sounds like she has an excellent head on her shoulders.

 

[Imzadi]

As we approached an intersection (country road, nobody around, 45 mph) she got startled by a car approaching to her right. The car had a stop sign and was stopping - literally zero threat that it was going to hit us. But it scared DD and she swerved into the oncoming lane through the intersection and then jerked back into our lane and started to cry hysterically. I had her pull over immediately and let her go into the backseat, then talked her through it. She said she hated me, lol and would never drive again. I didn't take it personally

She drove again today, back on the little neighborhood streets, and is still freaking herself out. She keeps asking if the car behind us is going to hit her, or if the car coming toward us can see us...etc.etc...completely irrational concerns.

as luck would have it, I think she is freaking out more because we have had three car incidents this summer, which I keep telling her is NOT normal!

DD was in the car for the rear-end accident and the strap incident and was witness to the havoc the totaled car has caused. She is thinking about all of the above every time she gets behind the wheel!

I don't know if it is a maturity level. Someone first learning to drive at age 30 or 55 may have the same emotional reactions. It's all big and emotionally overwhelming right now. And come on, your family had THREE accidents this summer alone? She really has no other frame of reference that this is unusual. And she has no reason to believe it won't happen while she is driving.

My suggestion is to put her in the front passenger seat and take her for a few drives. But actively ask her the SAME questions she asked you while she was panicking, while YOU are doing the driving - but she has to pay attention as though she is driving. Let DD have the time to assess the situations while she is not driving and can think more rationally. Ask: "See that car there at the stop sign to our right? Can he see us?" Stop at the intersection, even if it is your turn to go. Wave the driver on to go through. Let DD SEE that the driver can see you both in the car because you waved him on.

Tape one of those sun visor mirrors onto the passenger side sun visor, if there isn't one. Have the visor down so she can see behind her.

When there is a car behind you, ask if the driver in that car can see you? How does she know? Is he keeping an even distance behind you? Does he slow down too as you both get to the intersection or stop sign? Or is he going the same speed and likely to hit you? Is he reading his cellphone & seems distracted? (If he is close enough to see that.)

Also, at some point, when the car is in park, tell her to get out of the car and look at the rear tail lights. Show her that when you step on the brake, the tail lights light up red, signaling to others that you are slowing down or stopping. (Also show her that when you put the car in reverse, the white tail lights go on.)

The more you can teach HER to figure out the answers to the questions when she is in the passenger seat and the car is moving, paying attention as though she is the driver and not just a passive passenger, the better equipped she will be to answer those same questions when she is driving again. You are making her the point of power to assess situations.

 

[Pamlur]

My oldest granddaughter had that same anxiety ridden, freakout time while learning to drive at 16. She is 25 now, and during her college years she drove to/from/all over Dallas and Chicago, with no problem. She'll be going to grad school in Boston, and after seeing the horrendous traffic there, has agreed to leave her beloved car at home and use Lyft and mass transit. But even the anxious beginners can turn into confident drivers as they figure things out.

 

[mom2rtk]

Keep at it OP. Our oldest was a very reluctant driver. I felt like I didn't want a reluctant driver on the road so we put off his training and getting a license. But then he decided to attend a university in town that required he drive into the city every day. Holy cow that was such a stressful summer! Right up to and including him failing his test the first time. But we kept at it and also got him a professional instructor and he passed. Just a few days before school started. And that was stressful too, sending him off with such little experience behind the wheel.

The answer is more time behind the wheel, not less. Definitely don't back off or let up.

 

[elphaba91]

She doesn't sound ready and I do not agree with people suggesting that you make her do it anyway. A car is a huge responsibility and can be a huge danger in the wrong hands. An overly anxious driver is one of the worst kinds. If getting a license is not absolutely mandatory for her at this time, step back and reassess the situation every 6 months or so, or until she comes to you on her own and is ready to try again. 15 is still really young and not everyone is ready at the same age to drive a car.

Honestly, if she is having THAT much anxiety about driving, perhaps you should consider finding her a therapist that she can talk things through with, and who can help her learn how to control her body's reactions to stressors. If she has this level of anxiety about driving, chances are she has anxieties about other things as well that may be manifesting with this demand. I have a 15 year old son who has anxiety, and has been under medical and mental health care for 2 years. He will be able to earn his permit in 6 months, but he has not even begun puberty yet, and although he knows and understands the rules of the road very well, I think we are going to hold off for a year or 2 on this whole process. His anxiety is likely to manifest when he gets behind the wheel and that scares me quite a lot. He needs more time to mature and learn how to manage his stress reactions before I will feel comfortable putting him behind the wheel.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I would get her to speak to a mental health professional - maybe start with your family doctor. They will be able to assess whether she is suffering from some bigger anxiety issues or whether it’s just a case of not being ready and be able to teach her some coping strategies and tools to manage her anxiety.

I’ve suffered from anxiety for a really long time but haven’t started dealing with it until recently when some other health issues forced me to. One of the big things for me has been learning to drive; I’m a bit ashamed to admit that at 28 I have never sat behind the wheel of a car. However, after working with a psychologist for a month (focusing on anxiety in relation to my health issues and just anxiety in general - I didn’t even mention driving until my last session), I feel like I’m ready to tackle it.