Maturity and Drivers Training

[DLgal]

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I would get her to speak to a mental health professional - maybe start with your family doctor. They will be able to assess whether she is suffering from some bigger anxiety issues or whether it’s just a case of not being ready and be able to teach her some coping strategies and tools to manage her anxiety.

I’ve suffered from anxiety for a really long time but haven’t started dealing with it until recently when some other health issues forced me to. One of the big things for me has been learning to drive; I’m a bit ashamed to admit that at 28 I have never sat behind the wheel of a car. However, after working with a psychologist for a month (focusing on anxiety in relation to my health issues and just anxiety in general - I didn’t even mention driving until my last session), I feel like I’m ready to tackle it.

Anxiety can really mess up one's life. I developed it about 5 years ago at the age of 35. I have been driving for 25 years and never had an accident, no tickets, and consider myself to be an excellent driver. However, when my anxiety is bad, I get scared to drive. I'm "convinced" that every time I get in the car without my kids, I am going to be in a terrible car crash and die, leaving them without a mother. They both have autism and my greatest fear, and all my anxieties revolve around something happening to me. On bad days, if I have to drive somewhere, it is awful and I lose all my confidence. I haven't sought therapy yet, but feel like it's time. My son has an excellent therapist and she has offered to be mine as well.

 

[elphaba91]

Anxiety can really mess up one's life. I developed it about 5 years ago at the age of 35. I have been driving for 25 years and never had an accident, no tickets, and consider myself to be an excellent driver. However, when my anxiety is bad, I get scared to drive. I'm "convinced" that every time I get in the car without my kids, I am going to be in a terrible car crash and die, leaving them without a mother. They both have autism and my greatest fear, and all my anxieties revolve around something happening to me. On bad days, if I have to drive somewhere, it is awful and I lose all my confidence. I haven't sought therapy yet, but feel like it's time. My son has an excellent therapist and she has offered to be mine as well.

100% do it. I know how hard it can be to seek help and how easy it is to say ‘oh, it’s fine, I don’t really need to drive’ or ‘I don’t really need to go to that party’. For me I only saw a psychologist because my specialist said ‘you need to see someone’ and referred me. Now that I’ve started, I can see how necessary it is for me and how much it has helped me. It definitely does get easier talking about your issues; my original psychologist left the hospital so I went to my GP to refer me to someone locally and I found it much easier to open up than I had prior to starting therapy. It sounds like you’ve already got someone you can trust; you just have to be brave and kind to yourself and go for it!

 

[mjkacmom]

There are great suggestions here, definitely get professional instruction, and tell her what you are doing when you are driving. Driving anxiety is very common, most kids have it to some degree. The only way to become a good confident driver is to drive. I don’t know anyone personally who’s anxiety lessened with age, and sometimes it got worse. Not having a drivers license can be very limiting.

 

[Klayfish]

OP, your daughter sounds very similar to DS12. He's a big time type A perfectionist, taken to the extremes...for which he is getting help. He's also a lacrosse goalie, so I know that mentality. Remember, in boys lacrosse goalies only wear a chest pad and helmet, nothing else. Plus he plays 1-2 years up, so he has 13-14 year old kids whipping the ball at him. It's nuts. I don't even want to think about having him drive.

DS15 is in that situation now though. He has his permit...and already has a car (two actually). He has these grand plans of coming racing with me, but reality is he has a LONG way to go before we get there. We started in a parking lot without even touching the gas. Just let it roll and learn steering and brakes. Then added in some gas. Then parking, then driving up and down the school campus road. Baby steps. We're now at the point of having him drive too/from the school campus, which is about 6 miles. Or he drives to the grocery store, etc... We live in a typical suburb, so it's moderate traffic. Some things still spook him, but we talk about it and talk through how to handle situations.

I can tell you from years of driving and racing, the most important thing about driving is staying calm and focused. If you get panicked, scared, etc...you're not going to drive very well and more likely to get into the accident you're so afraid of. Relax, deep breath, be smooth, be steady. It's easier said than done for sure, but try to help her relax and have a comfort level.

Good luck!!

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I don't know if it is a maturity level. Someone first learning to drive at age 30 or 55 may have the same emotional reactions. It's all big and emotionally overwhelming right now. And come on, your family had THREE accidents this summer alone? She really has no other frame of reference that this is unusual. And she has no reason to believe it won't happen while she is driving.

My suggestion is to put her in the front passenger seat and take her for a few drives. But actively ask her the SAME questions she asked you while she was panicking, while YOU are doing the driving - but she has to pay attention as though she is driving. Let DD have the time to access the situations while she is not driving and can think more rationally. Ask: "See that car there at the stop sign to our right? Can he see us?" Stop at the intersection, even if it is your turn to go. Wave the driver on to go through. Let DD SEE that the driver can see you both in the car because you waved him on.

Tape one of those sun visor mirrors onto the passenger side sun visor, if there isn't one. Have the visor down so she can see behind her.

When there is a car behind you, ask if the driver in that car can see you? How does she know? Is he keeping an even distance behind you? Does he slow down too as you both get to the intersection or stop sign? Or is he going the same speed and likely to hit you? Is he reading his cellphone & seems distracted? (If he is close enough to see that.)

Also, at some point, when the car is in park, tell her to get out of the car and look at the rear tail lights. Show her that when you step on the brake, the tail lights light up red, signaling to others that you are slowing down or stopping. (Also show her that when you put the car in reverse, the white tail lights go on.)

The more you can teach HER to figure out the answers to the questions when she is in the passenger seat and the car is moving, paying attention as though she is the driver and not just a passive passenger, the better equipped she will be to answer those same questions when she is driving again. You are making her the point of power to access situations.

This is terrific advice. Thank you so much!

 

[KPeterso]

I learned to drive at 15 and a half in IL through my school. I took drivers ed there and then logged hundreds of hours driving with my parents. I drove everywhere (including around the block what felt like a thousand times). I had an incident early on driving with my Mom, but it was my neighbor who was a terrible driver who would run out to the car jump in and throw into reverse and floor it out of the driveway without looking who nearly hit me and then I confused the peddles and we flew past at the last second. My Mom had words with him that he needed to be more careful since it was me learning to drive. But my Mom just took me back out the next day.

Far worse was after I had my license and had my first accident at 16 when a deer forgot to look both ways before crossing the street. I was so freaked out and was never driving again. But my Mom took me out the next day and had me driving all over the place to try to get some confidence back for me. Although, up until we moved about 10-12 years later, I only drove through that area if absolutely necessary and also never at that time of day!

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I learned to drive at 15 and a half in IL through my school. I took drivers ed there and then logged hundreds of hours driving with my parents. I drove everywhere (including around the block what felt like a thousand times). I had an incident early on driving with my Mom, but it was my neighbor who was a terrible driver who would run out to the car jump in and throw into reverse and floor it out of the driveway without looking who nearly hit me and then I confused the peddles and we flew past at the last second. My Mom had words with him that he needed to be more careful since it was me learning to drive. But my Mom just took me back out the next day.

Far worse was after I had my license and had my first accident at 16 when a deer forgot to look both ways before crossing the street. I was so freaked out and was never driving again. But my Mom took me out the next day and had me driving all over the place to try to get some confidence back for me. Although, up until we moved about 10-12 years later, I only drove through that area if absolutely necessary and also never at that time of day!

Deer are the worst! The are all over the place here in the west Chicago suburbs. And in MI, where I am from, I don't think I know one person over the age of 20 who hasn't either hit a deer or came close.

DS19 was driving on I-94 in MI heading back to school in June and a deer came out of nowhere and hit him dead on. He had just bought his car (didn't even have the title back in the mail yet), and it was totaled. Thankfully DS19 wasn't injured, but it was late at night....we were on the phone with him for hours waiting for the tow truck and police, then had to try to find him a hotel room in the middle of NOWHERE that would let a 18 year old check in by himself at 1am since we were 3 hours away and DS's campus was at least another 90 min...and then try to figure out what to do with the car and how DS was going to finish out his spring class without a car....etc etc. It was such a hassle (and still is since he's now moved back home and is using my car until he can buy another one).

DD has been witness to all of this. It's been the worst summer for our cars, and for her to start driving. I haven't even had a parking ticket for more than a decade and this summer we have had three major incidents.

 

[RamblingMad]

Deer are the worst! The are all over the place here in the west Chicago suburbs. And in MI, where I am from, I don't think I know one person over the age of 20 who hasn't either hit a deer or came close.

DS19 was driving on I-94 in MI heading back to school in June and a deer came out of nowhere and hit him dead on. He had just bought his car (didn't even have the title back in the mail yet), and it was totaled. Thankfully DS19 wasn't injured, but it was late at night....we were on the phone with him for hours waiting for the tow truck and police, then had to try to find him a hotel room in the middle of NOWHERE that would let a 18 year old check in by himself at 1am since we were 3 hours away and DS's campus was at least another 90 min...and then try to figure out what to do with the car and how DS was going to finish out his spring class without a car....etc etc. It was such a hassle (and still is since he's now moved back home and is using my car until he can buy another one).

DD has been witness to all of this. It's been the worst summer for our cars, and for her to start driving. I haven't even had a parking ticket for more than a decade and this summer we have had three major incidents.

It’s so weird to me that you had to figure out what to do about the car, rather than your kid. My parents were far less understanding. I had to always pay the deductible whenever I screwed something up. I pretty much lived in fear of screwing stuff up that I had to plan for worse case scenario. Of course, when my dad got laid off my senior year of university, I had to work full time to pay the household bills and still get through my classes.

I think, kids have safety nets way too large these days. They need to learn to fail and solve their own problems.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

It’s so weird to me that you had to figure out what to do about the car, rather than your kid. My parents were far less understanding. I had to always pay the deductible whenever I screwed something up. I pretty much lived in fear of screwing stuff up that I had to plan for worse case scenario. Of course, when my dad got laid off my senior year of university, I had to work full time to pay the household bills and still get through my classes.

I think, kids have safety nets way too large these days. They need to learn to fail and solve their own problems.

I was speaking in generalities when I said "we", as in us as a collective family - DS made the decision on what to do with the car, which had over $6000 of damage on a $1500 car.

We were called out of a dead sleep close to midnight for him to tell us that he was on the side of the expressway in the middle of nowhere and had just hit a deer. He sounded strange and loopy and he wasn't sure that he hadn't hit his head, so yes, we stayed on the phone with him or had him call us back while he called the police, tow truck, ins, etc.

He figured out rides for the next 10 days to school and his work from friends and some of our family that live near his school since we live 5 hours away.

He paid the tow bill of $245. He didn't file a claim with ins since he had liability only and the car was totaled.

I'm not sure how he didn't live up to his responsibility there? The kid has a 4.0 in college, takes 20 credit hours a semester, and is currently working two jobs (that he walks to, mostly, since he doesn't have a car), one of which is a paid internship for his career path. And he is saving his money to buy a new car, we are not helping with that. I'm OK with the way he's turned out.

But yes, I agree that in general kids have too much of a safety net these days and aren't allowed to fail. I see it often with the kids/parents I know.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Our daughter freaked out and stopped practicing driving and then went to college in a big city. She didn't get her license until 22.

Had a friend in college who didn't get her license until sometime after college as well.

 

[mjkacmom]

It’s so weird to me that you had to figure out what to do about the car, rather than your kid. My parents were far less understanding. I had to always pay the deductible whenever I screwed something up. I pretty much lived in fear of screwing stuff up that I had to plan for worse case scenario. Of course, when my dad got laid off my senior year of university, I had to work full time to pay the household bills and still get through my classes.

I think, kids have safety nets way too large these days. They need to learn to fail and solve their own problems.

How did he screw up? If a deer jumps out in front of your car, you are going to hit it. It’s not the fault of the drive. When dd23 hydroplaned into a telephone pole and wrapped her car around it a few years ago, she called me from the stretcher (and trauma medic talked to me), DH drove 45 minutes to the hospital, picked her up (after hours of tests), drove her to the impound lot to get her things out of her mangled car, took her out to lunch (still in her hospital gown because they cut off her clothes) and then dropped her off at her apartment. She was very shaken up. Just because they are legal adults doesn’t mean they don’t need help in bad situations.

 

[willowsnn3]

And just to add - DD is currently taking the classroom portion. The instructor told the class that he wouldn't drive with them until they had a lot of practice with their parents because his job was not to teach them to drive but to make them better drivers.

That is ridiculous! Our drivers, (I work for a driving school) teach people of all ages to drive and a lot of them have never been behind the wheel of a car. If the student has no driving experience, then the first 2 hours are strictly in a parking lot. The teens usually have the 6 hours that come with the 30hr classroom package. All students are different. Some by the last hours of instruction are driving on the freeway others need a little more time.

She has an instructor that she will be driving with that we have already paid for, I just haven't booked the times yet. And yes, that is what I am thinking - she might get her act together with the instructor, plus he has a foot brake on his side lol

A good instructor will put the student at ease. I have put 4 of my grandchildren thru the driver's ed class with our company & they all had different drivers but each one of them learned a lot more than the average mom or dad could teach them.

 

[NotUrsula]

[snip]
ETA: as luck would have it, I think she is freaking out more because we have had three car incidents this summer, which I keep telling her is NOT normal! DS19 totaled his car in June when a deer ran out in front of him and hit his front end, then I was rear-ended on the freeway by a car two cars back hitting the one behind me pushing the car behind me into my car ($2200 worth of damage!) and DS19 drove over a tie-down strap with a metal winch at the end that looks like it broke off from a truck and it got stuck under the car and did some damage. DD was in the car for the rear-end accident and the strap incident and was witness to the havoc the totaled car has caused. She is thinking about all of the above every time she gets behind the wheel!

This is going to sound a bit out there, but it sounds to me like she has a mild case of PTSD over the accidents. I say this because I have also had a freak run of accidents this year (only one at all serious, but it totaled my very old car), and my DD is absolutely terrified that I'll get into another wreck -- she just FREAKS if we have any kind of close call in traffic, and she wasn't actually IN my car when I had the serious accident. She is just terrified that something is going to happen to me in a car.

Your DD may well do better if she is in a car other than yours with a driver who isn't family, but then again, perhaps not. What makes me think that she might be having an unconscious stress reaction is your description of her swerving hard by instinct when there was no need to do that.

Is there any chance you can get her some simulator training? That might make her feel a bit better about defensive driving skills with no chance anyone will be hurt if she gets it wrong at first.

 

[whatname]

That is ridiculous! Our drivers, (I work for a driving school) teach people of all ages to drive and a lot of them have never been behind the wheel of a car. If the student has no driving experience, then the first 2 hours are strictly in a parking lot. The teens usually have the 6 hours that come with the 30hr classroom package. All students are different. Some by the last hours of instruction are driving on the freeway others need a little more time.

A good instructor will put the student at ease. I have put 4 of my grandchildren thru the driver's ed class with our company & they all had different drivers but each one of them learned a lot more than the average mom or dad could teach them.

I'm glad to hear from a professional confirming my thoughts that this is ridiculous. I haven't been impressed with the driving class at all. It's supposed to be 30 hours classroom instruction. The teacher lets them out early, isn't having class Friday, etc. I was hoping for the driving teacher to actually teach some driving. Maybe I will call the company and ask for another in car teacher. Thanks!

 

[elphaba91]

Deer are the worst! The are all over the place here in the west Chicago suburbs. And in MI, where I am from, I don't think I know one person over the age of 20 who hasn't either hit a deer or came close.

DS19 was driving on I-94 in MI heading back to school in June and a deer came out of nowhere and hit him dead on. He had just bought his car (didn't even have the title back in the mail yet), and it was totaled. Thankfully DS19 wasn't injured, but it was late at night....we were on the phone with him for hours waiting for the tow truck and police, then had to try to find him a hotel room in the middle of NOWHERE that would let a 18 year old check in by himself at 1am since we were 3 hours away and DS's campus was at least another 90 min...and then try to figure out what to do with the car and how DS was going to finish out his spring class without a car....etc etc. It was such a hassle (and still is since he's now moved back home and is using my car until he can buy another one).

DD has been witness to all of this. It's been the worst summer for our cars, and for her to start driving. I haven't even had a parking ticket for more than a decade and this summer we have had three major incidents.

You saying the deer hit him instantly reminded me of this scene from Gilmore Girls:

 

[willowsnn3]

I'm glad to hear from a professional confirming my thoughts that this is ridiculous. I haven't been impressed with the driving class at all. It's supposed to be 30 hours classroom instruction. The teacher lets them out early, isn't having class Friday, etc. I was hoping for the driving teacher to actually teach some driving. Maybe I will call the company and ask for another in car teacher. Thanks!

May I ask what state you are in? I would hate for it to be one of my company's drivers, lol.

 

[Skippy918]

To me she doesn’t sound ready. I would wait and see. I like the other poster’s suggestions of therapy and explaining what you are doing while you are driving.

I learned to drive in nyc. NYC rules differed from the rest of the state. I got my permit at 17 and took drivers ed at school. The road test made me super nervous that I failed it 3 times. My parents made me even more nervous when I practiced so for me, I learned much better once I had my license and then had to drive to my internship while in college. I was 20 when I started driving regularly.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

You saying the deer hit him instantly reminded me of this scene from Gilmore Girls:

LOL

DS19 literally got hit by the deer lol Every time I tell the story and say he hit a deer, he corrects me, just like in the clip. - "No, I got hit BY a deer!"

In MI, at least as I am not sure about other states, if you swerve to miss the deer but still hit it, you will get ticketed. If you continue on your path and it's unavoidable, you are not at fault. The state trooper told DS19 that by the evidence and DS's description of what happened, it was considered an "act of God" and DS was not ticketed. He never swerved and he said he saw a flash of movement then less than a second later the deer ran right into his front end while he was bearing down at 70 mph. The deer actually did hit HIM.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

This is going to sound a bit out there, but it sounds to me like she has a mild case of PTSD over the accidents. I say this because I have also had a freak run of accidents this year (only one at all serious, but it totaled my very old car), and my DD is absolutely terrified that I'll get into another wreck -- she just FREAKS if we have any kind of close call in traffic, and she wasn't actually IN my car when I had the serious accident. She is just terrified that something is going to happen to me in a car.

Your DD may well do better if she is in a car other than yours with a driver who isn't family, but then again, perhaps not. What makes me think that she might be having an unconscious stress reaction is your description of her swerving hard by instinct when there was no need to do that.

Is there any chance you can get her some simulator training? That might make her feel a bit better about defensive driving skills with no chance anyone will be hurt if she gets it wrong at first.

It actually doesn't sound out there. She is really being very irrational, IMO and the questions she keeps asking as she's driving - "how do I know he will stop?" 'Will the guy behind me hit me?" "How do I know he can see me?"....and the instinctual swerve makes me think she really was affected by the accidents this summer. DS19 was alone in the car with the deer incident, but she saw pictures of the totaled car, and of course heard us talking to him about it afterward.

She was with us in the rear-end accident - we were on the freeway in heavy traffic when everyone suddenly stopped. I braked hard to stop, and did with no problem, then the guy behind me stopped JUST in the nick of time. He was super close to me (I always look behind me when I have to make a fast stop). I remember saying out loud "wow, he got close!" then 2 seconds later we feel a bump, hear a loud crash, then get hit harder. The car two cars back from us rammed into the guy behind us and jammed him into our bumper. Nobody in any of the three cars were hurt, thank goodness, but we had $2200 of damage to the back end, and the car in the middle was destroyed - car parts all over the road, shattered glass, etc. We were on the side of the freeway for two hours waiting for the police, doing the reports, etc. I was semi-upset and a little shaky just because of the adrenaline and fearing for the insurance/repair hassle, and so DH took over driving for a while. I think we handled it well, but DD pays attention to EVERYTHING and is probably thinking about all of that every time she gets behind the wheel!

 

[Emtgirljen]

LOL

DS19 literally got hit by the deer lol Every time I tell the story and say he hit a deer, he corrects me, just like in the clip. - "No, I got hit BY a deer!"

In MI, at least as I am not sure about other states, if you swerve to miss the deer but still hit it, you will get ticketed. If you continue on your path and it's unavoidable, you are not at fault. The state trooper told DS19 that by the evidence and DS's description of what happened, it was considered an "act of God" and DS was not ticketed. He never swerved and he said he saw a flash of movement then less than a second later the deer ran right into his front end while he was bearing down at 70 mph. The deer actually did hit HIM.

We got hit by a deer as well when I was in college (in mid-Michigan). It wasn't there one second and the next BAM! I always see the big highway signs when fall comes - "Don't Veer for Deer!"