Multi generation family living under one roof?

[kdonnel]

My in laws are selling their house and trying to decide where to go when it sells. My wife and I are wondering if it makes sense to finish our basement and have them move in? We have enough room down there for two bedrooms, a living room, an eat in breakfast area, and a kitchen.

We would charge them half what it would cost them to rent a house or apartment and have them pay part of the basement finishing.

Their living expenses would be half what they would be and we would be getting a significant income boost just in time to pay for kids in college.

The only concern is living that closely together. They would have their own entrance to the basement and would not need to enter our part of the house when coming or going. The driveway is long enough that we could give them one side while we used the other.

We talked to them and my father in law thinks it is a great idea but my mother in law is reluctant.

Does anyone have good or bad experiences with a multi generation household?

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Are you REALLY thinking of your in laws being under the same roof?

 

[Meriweather]

We haven't, but our neighbors are Indian and they do.
Seems to work for them.

I think it will be getting more and more common as living expenses and housing costs rise.

Have a separate area and entrance seems ideal

 

[Allison]

No way would I enter into a business transaction with family or be landlords for the inlaws.

 

[barkley]

if the area were already in place i might feel differently but how will you feel/what financial situation will you be in if you spend a big chunk of change to finish the basement and then it's found out a short time in that the situation isn't working out for you/them? then you will have the cost you've expended, the added property taxes (here a finished basement UPS the value enough to make a significant change) and increased homeowner's insurance (again, an issue at least here with finishing a basement) with none of their rental monies to so much as break even on the costs let alone help with college expenses? will you also feel obligated to reimburse them the money they paid towards the finishing (even be able to to)? i wouldn't want to get into that kind of financial arrangement myself.

it works for some people, with others it's an outright disaster and ruins relationships. i think it's interesting that it's your wife's MOM who has concerns about living with HER daughter-she may know from previous experience that they do better living separately (i know my dd and i get along much better with her living on her own while she and her dad/my dh got along just fine all the years at home).

not even a consideration where we live-it would be illegal to do up a basement that way b/c we're zoned as single family residences.

 

[mom2rtk]

Wasn't there a thread a while back about one of these situations that went bad when the MIL paid for the house upgrades and the OP decided to sell and move on? I wish I could remember that thread. It's definitely a cautionary tale of how these things can go bad.

OP, this is going to depend greatly on your family's relationship with the in-laws. No chance could I have done this. But if you do decide to go forward with it, be sure to draw up some sort of agreement on the monetary side of the various issues that could arise.

 

[DietCoke18]

Nope. Never going to happen.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I have neighbors with a similar situation. They added a small apartment onto the side of their house for her mom after her dad died.

I’m not sure what the financial arrangements were, but the kids loved being able to “go to grandma’s” whenever they wanted.

I’d say the key is how you all get along.

 

[wenrob]

No way would I enter into a business transaction with family or be landlords for the inlaws.

This. Just no. At least for me.

My younger brother has done essentially what is described in the OP with my mother and stepfather. Lots of frustration there. I give my SIL huge props (and I don’t even like her, lol) for dealing with my mother on the daily. They have separate spaces but I don’t think anyone feels like they have their own home.

 

[Ladyandthepuppies]

My grandmother paid to have an addition put on my parents’ house and then she lived with us for 16 years. I LOVED having her with us, we were closer than close and she was very much a second mother to me. She and my parents did not get along very well but that may have been more due to personality than financial/household issues. I benefitted from having her live with us in so many ways, and once I moved out we were more like best friends than grandmother/granddaughter. I’m so glad she lived with us.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

If my MIL ever moved in with us, DH and I would be divorced in less than a year. There is NO NO NO way it would ever work. She can't even come over for dinner without leaving emotional chaos, and my BIL had a similar setup as you - 1-bedroom basement apartment with an entrance that she didn't share with the upstairs - and she STILL caused drama in that house.

We have had many family members of DH's live with us for various lengths of time over the years, and after this last one, we both agreed that it causes too much stress on our marriage and we will say no for now on. We started rearranging our house flow the day the last relative left back in April to create living spaces out of the mainfloor bedrooms, so instead of having a 4 bedroom+finished basement bedroom we now have 2 bedrooms+finished basement bedroom and ZERO extra space for an added person. In 5 years when DS13 is done with high school and we move, we will look for a small open-concept home that fits the two of us perfectly with no space left for inlaws. The way DH's family works is that if there is a spare room or a finished basement, they think that that means there is extra space for them to come and live.

Nope. No way. Not ever again!

OP - as everyone else has said, you have to determine whether you REALLY want your in-laws living so closely to you. I have a few relatives where your scenario would work, but for the most part, I wouldn't want to live that close to anyone.

 

[1GoldenSun]

I'd move out and live on the street before I'd let any of my or DH's family members move in with us. They're all lovely people (some less so than others) but no. I don't even want an overly comfortable guest room.

But I'm sure it works very well for some.

 

[disneychrista]

Do you really want to NEVER have privacy again?

Not the same thing but my adult (26 & 28) daughters are at home and I am looking forward to the day when I have the house to myself.

 

[MumziMom]

It works well for some. Your MIL is reluctant, so there is some concern. Can you all sit together and discuss the pros and cons? Everyone's concerns should be listened to. If you find you want to do this, then make sure there is a lot written down about the "what if's" - I would also get a lawyer involved who is familiar with elder law. What if one of them had a stroke and needed care? Do they both have long term care insurance policies? What would happen if you don't get along? If they pay for the fixing up of the basement, do they get all the say in how it will look? Who will deal with the contractor? It is your house, but they will be living in that area. Would their paying for the basement area cause issues with their estate and other in-laws? An elder law attorney will bring up all sorts of issues that no one would think about on their own, and would help you all come to an agreement which will protect all.

 

[kdonnel]

They live just a few miles away as it is and have been an almost daily part of our lives. I am sure there might be some stress added if they live in the basement but I figure they will end up living with us at some point anyway.

My dad ended up living with us(and them some) for just over a year once he reached a point he could no longer live on his own. We did not have a separate living space for him and there was a good bit of friction created with the TV blaring at 110% at all times.

As for zoning allowing for a mother in law suite in the basement it is not an issue. It is not multi family but multi generational in a single family home. The basement would remain accessible from inside the home and would not be a totally separate apartment.

There are a lot of risks but there is the potential for big gains. Their budget would be greatly improved allowing them the flexibility to do more of what ever they might want to do while they still have a few years of good health left. It would add a tremendous amount of equity to our home and provide an income stream that would make paying for college trivial.

I guess my first step is to see if we can even get the basement finished for the price we need.

 

[tcufrog]

My mil lives with us and I absolutely hate it, but I hated her before she moved in. She's a horrible human being. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I actually had a nice one.

 

[starry_solo]

Wasn't there a thread a while back about one of these situations that went bad when the MIL paid for the house upgrades and the OP decided to sell and move on? I wish I could remember that thread. It's definitely a cautionary tale of how these things can go bad.

OP, this is going to depend greatly on your family's relationship with the in-laws. No chance could I have done this. But if you do decide to go forward with it, be sure to draw up some sort of agreement on the monetary side of the various issues that could arise.

Yes there was one of them.

BTW, if the OP is having the IL's pay for the upgrade (or partially), then I wouldn't charge them rent until the upgrade was paid off. That is, let's say it cost $20K to upgrade the basement and OP would charge them $1000 in rent. I wouldn't charge the $1000 until month 21....but then again, I wouldn't charge my family rent at all.

 

[low-key]

I read where the old Jewish culture (probably many others too) would just keep adding rooms to a house and you would have many generations, and all in laws living together. Sounds bad to me also, but there wouldnt be the stress of loosing your job (as much) always have a babby sitter and many people to help with all problems

 

[barkley]

Would their paying for the basement area cause issues with their estate and other in-laws? An elder law attorney will bring up all sorts of issues that no one would think about on their own, and would help you all come to an agreement which will protect all

in total agreement. if we had done an arrangement like this with my late mom i know that absent iron clad legal documentation and a contract between us/my mom spelling everything out one of my sibs in particular would have argued that every penny she paid for the improvements was a loan and due and payable to her estate despite if we had charged her rent or not. he would have threatened with reporting us for tax evasion if we hadn't reported the rental income and likely tried to raise the stakes to get not only the original investment amount but whatever increased value it contributed to our home.

people get really nasty when estates get settled, and if the nasty is the executor and has all their legal fees payable by the estate to pursue something like this it's a no win situation. getting everything scrutinized by an elder law attorney is money well spent.

 

[preemiemama]

I have experience with this in a few different situations.

Growing up, my maternal grandmother lived with us (in a separate apartment with a separate entrance but also a door that connected to our living room area) after my grandfather died. She was active and kept busy, so it was annoying at times but nothing my parents couldn't handle. A few years later, my paternal grandmother got sick, and could not take care of herself or my grandfather, so my parents built an additional living room/bedroom area on to the house for them. My grandmother recovered, and the continued living with us. The lack of a separate kitchen for them (with my Italian grandmother who cooked every meal...) was a bit of an issue at that point, as was the TV blaring for my almost-deaf grandfather. However, again my parents made it work- in spite of having all 3 surviving parents and 4 kids from 5-15 living in the house. I think they key to it was that my parents didn't see it as a choice, it was just what they did. I know both living spaces were paid for in some way by my grandparents, and they contributed to the living expenses (electric and heat at least), but there was no "rent" that I recall. I will also add that my paternal grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 102, so he lived in that house for 20+ years.

More recently, my in-laws attempted a situation similar to what the PP describes with my SIL. They paid for the basement renovation- not sure if they paid rent or what the arrangement was. It wound up as my in-laws being "on call" 24-7 as babysitters and maids. They cooked, cleaned, kept up with the kids while my SIL and her husband worked. This did not work out. My SIL wound up kicking my in-laws out and she remained in the house. They never got back any of the money (a large chunk of their retirement savings) and it was very tense between them for a long time.

Also, my brother did this a few months ago with his in-laws. They were having trouble paying their rent (bad investments) and my brother was building a new house. He added on a living area and bedroom for the in-laws and they agreed to pay him and his wife rent- about 1/3 of what they had been paying. They have been in the house for 5 months, and the in-laws have yet to pay any rent. They are currently looking for a new place to live- back at the rate they couldn't originally afford to pay. It's not a great situation.

So, all of this to say that I think if you have a good relationship with the in-laws, and you are both clear about your expectations, I think it could work. I've seen it happen. But if one party sees it as a "free ride" or doesn't hold up their end of the bargain, it could go badly. Be clear and honest with yourself and your in-laws and decide if this is really how you want to move forward. It might be a good idea to discuss possible issues and some "if...then" situations for how you will handle issues. That could make things run more smoothly in the long run.