My brother

[VandVsmama]

Alcoholism and prescription drug addiction stole my best friend. Her sister didn't speak to her for 3 years before my friend died. I cut off ties with my friend about a year and a half before she died. It was pretty horrible and a very gut-wrenching decision, but I am content with my decision. At my friend's funeral, I learned from her immediate family and from her other friends that they all had gradually made the same decision that I did.

You are totally justified in cutting ties with your brother until he is clean & sober for a period of time. I told my friend to not call me until she'd been clean and sober for 6 months. Well, that never happened. A year and a half later, she died because she had a loser friend pick her up from her sober living house and take her out drinking. She chose to go back to the sober living house drunk. She was then kicked out of the sober living house...and had an epic temper tantrum about it.

Her parents had previously told her that this sober living house was it...and they would not be helping her out any further and to not call them asking for money or a place to stay if she got kicked out for using alcohol and/or drugs.
She disappeared for 2 weeks. Her sister and her parents went out casing the streets looking for her. 2 weeks after her disappearance, her body was found in a local park by a homeless man. She'd been dead for awhile when she had been found. There was alcohol and illegal drugs in her system at the time of death.

It was horrible and tragic. There were SO many people at her funeral. I love her dearly. I miss her. When she got sick with this, I missed my friend. I missed the original version of who she really was. There were glimpses into that when she was sober. But those moments came less and less frequently over time.

It really is a disease. My friend also had bipolar disorder, which certainly didn't help her situation very much. It made it that much harder. When someone you love has a disease, you know that it's not something that YOU can cure them of. Treatment is available, but that person has to choose to seek out treatment. The treatment is hard work. You cannot do the hard work for them. The person has to do it for him/herself.

What led me to cut ties from my friend was when she told me that she'd been arrested for drunk driving...and admitted that she had lied to me many many times before....and then admitted that she was drinking alcohol before going to work AND during her work day as an elementary school teacher...and then admitted to driving many times while under the influence of alcohol. I told her that she had a serious medical problem that she needed to address and that I could no longer trust her until she got treatment and that while it's fine if you choose to mess up your own life this way, it is NOT ok to put other people's lives and safety in danger, too. She eventually was rightfully stripped of her teaching credential. And when she WAS sober, she was a phenomenal teacher. She was an amazing and caring & loving person. But not when she was drunk or high.

Your brother is on the merry-go-round of alcoholism hell. Make sure that you get off that merry-go-round so you don't get dragged into his mess. Having healthy personal boundaries is a GOOD THING.

 

[luvavacation]

My Brother was also an alcoholic, and a prescription drug addict, that held a job and could stop drinking when he had to go to work or visit family. He also lived a couple states away, which made it easier to avoid the physical presence of my Brother, but the telephone and Facebook bridged the distance very well, and not always in a good way.

My Brother and I are from a culture where you do not give up on family, ever; family is sacred. Though I wanted very much to stop having any communication with him, and I did occasionally try, but then my Mother moved in with me when Alzheimer's started to take her, and I could not keep my Brother from seeing our Mother. It was something I would have been unable to live with, at least for my Mother's sake, and an action that would never have even been considered in my family. This may be hard to understand or accept for those that grew up with the encouragement of personal freedoms in America to make up your own minds, but in my culture, this just wasn't done and family did not break the bonds, ever.

I spoke to the lay Pastor at my church that was also a licensed psychologist. He understood that sometimes, cutting off a family member is just not possible, but he suggested that, for my own peace of heart, I end my interactions with my Brother with a kindness, since I never knew if I would ever speak to him again.

Truth be told, I do, did, love my Brother very much. We had a shared history of our family. He, and my parents, were the only family I have here in America. And when my Brother wasn't drinking or using Xanax/Ambien/Oxy, he was a great guy! And a loving, caring Uncle! I held on because sometimes, that Brother was around.

Now don't get me wrong, there were indeed boundaries set up. He was never to be under the influence at my home. Ever. I did call the police more than once. I had to protect my family and my Mother. But words over a phone or online are harder to place in a boundary. And, I know it helped that he did not live the next town over, but rather had to fly to get to my family.

My Brother decided one day to clean up his life because he realized his nieces were not proud of him, and my Brother wanted more than anything to have his nieces love him and want to be with him. Unfortunately, it was too late, and 2 months later my Brother died in his sleep. All the abuse he caused his body finally took its toll.

I miss my Brother tremendously. Growing older, without him around, was not ever what I expected at this age. But, my heart is clear, because I took the advice of the Pastor from years earlier and ended our conversations with, "I love you". Those where the last words I spoke to my Brother, and knowing that helps keep away the guilt I feel for the complete hatred I held for my Brother at various times in our lives.

In all honesty, it was not always easy to end a call or message with, "I love you". I gritted my teeth at times as I spoke the words, or pounded out those words on the keyboard. But for me, it was what I had to do to be at peace since I knew I would never completely cut him out of my life. Do what you need to be at peace in your life.

I have no idea if that makes any sense at all. Essentially though, what I am trying to express is that you decide what you can live with. If cutting off your brother and letting the winds take him where they may is something that will not cause you heartache later, then do that. If guilt will overcome you when the day comes that you receive the call your brother has died, then think long and hard about what you do. After all, you will still be here, living each day with whatever burden is upon your heart. Either way, the goodbye will hurt, but what will you allow in your life until that happens, and what will you not regret?

 

[nikkistevej]

We are dealing with this right now with DH's twin sisters- they are 39 years old and still don't know how to adult. Still live at home with my inlaws with their kids- my inlaws have custody of the ones kids even. They act like they are doing something because they fix lunch for the kids, or run a bath for them. The one is a nasty drunk, cusses everyone, throws stuff, etc- now she's been clean from drinking about 6 months(she takes pills though too), but still freeloads off inlaws. Now her son is an alcoholic at 18, she even buys alcohol for him. It's crazy!!! Don't get me started on him.
The other is a quiet drunk who hides the bottles but you can immediately tell when she is drinking. It's so sad for the kids in the situation because they are screwing them up!!! And my inlaws are 70 and should not have to take care of them all, and they won't live forever. DH is in control of their "estate" after inlaws pass, and he says he will sell the house and never speak to them again. I know it's hard for him to watch all this happening, and not be able to change any of it.