Need to vent about a roommate...

Christy702

Mouseketeer
Joined
Apr 27, 2017
Okay so a little background info.. I live in a 5 bedroom house with my best friends. We've all been friends since freshman year of college, and we're juniors now. We've all lived with each other before, just never at the same time.

So about a week after moving in to the new place one of my friends (we'll call her Jay) had a friend over, and me and my other roommates were in the living room watching tv. We smelt a certain substance being smoked and one of my roommates knocked on her door and asked her what she was doing. She said nothing and my roommate told her we could smell it, and she said sorry and she would put it out. Right after it happened we wanted to talk about it, just to let her know we weren't okay with that being in the house. She wouldn't come out of her room for the rest of the night. She hates confrontation and will hide from us before she ever admits she was wrong. A few days passed and we barely ever saw her come out of her room, and then she left notes in each of our rooms apologizing. We got over it and decided if it didn't happen again it wasn't a big deal. Eventually things weren't awkward anymore and everyone got over it.

A few weeks later she started dating this guy who lives in the same neighborhood as us, just a few houses down. She spent the night there every night and eventually had moved all of her clothes and personal stuff there. Now there are barely any clothes in her closet, and her bathroom is basically empty. She even does laundry there and keeps all her groceries there. He also lives in a 5 bedroom house and I'm honestly surprised all of his roommates are fine with it. She barely ever comes home and whenever she does it's only to get more stuff to bring to his house. I know most people would say the ideal roommate is one that's never there, but we were best friends before all this happened and she completely shut off our friendship when she got a boyfriend.

One weekend one of my other roommates (we'll call her B) had her younger brother (he's 18) come stay with us for a football game. Jay knows B's brother because B and Jay and lived together last year. When B's brother got here, Jay texted him and asked him if he wanted to come smoke with her, and he went. B didn't know where he was going at the time, but he told her after. She was furious at both of them, but mostly Jay for even offering. I mean seriously, who asks their roommates little brother if he wants to come do illegal drugs with her? B confronted her about it and they got in a fight, so that just created even more tension.

Recently, she's been having friends come from out of town and she'll give them her key to our house so they can stay in her room, and she doesn't even ask us. If she was here staying with her friend, we really wouldn't care, but she's letting strangers we don't know stay with us. We've also tried talking to her about that but she's says it's her house too. I literally feel like no matter what we say, she won't listen.

We're all upset our friendship is basically ruined after all this, and we're more worried about her than anything. She was already on academic probation coming into this semester, and she admitted she barely goes to class anymore. We went to a party at Jay's boyfriend house earlier in the year and we know they do harder drugs and we're always worried she's gonna try them. We've tried talking to her about it but she ignores our texts and rarely ever comes home. And what happens if they break up and she moves back home? She's gonna want to act like nothing happened and everything is fine but we aren't willing to let this go. It's just something that has been bothering me and just needed to vent a lil about it :sad2:
 
Okay so a little background info.. I live in a 5 bedroom house with my best friends. We've all been friends since freshman year of college, and we're juniors now. We've all lived with each other before, just never at the same time.

So about a week after moving in to the new place one of my friends (we'll call her Jay) had a friend over, and me and my other roommates were in the living room watching tv. We smelt a certain substance being smoked and one of my roommates knocked on her door and asked her what she was doing. She said nothing and my roommate told her we could smell it, and she said sorry and she would put it out. Right after it happened we wanted to talk about it, just to let her know we weren't okay with that being in the house. She wouldn't come out of her room for the rest of the night. She hates confrontation and will hide from us before she ever admits she was wrong. A few days passed and we barely ever saw her come out of her room, and then she left notes in each of our rooms apologizing. We got over it and decided if it didn't happen again it wasn't a big deal. Eventually things weren't awkward anymore and everyone got over it.

A few weeks later she started dating this guy who lives in the same neighborhood as us, just a few houses down. She spent the night there every night and eventually had moved all of her clothes and personal stuff there. Now there are barely any clothes in her closet, and her bathroom is basically empty. She even does laundry there and keeps all her groceries there. He also lives in a 5 bedroom house and I'm honestly surprised all of his roommates are fine with it. She barely ever comes home and whenever she does it's only to get more stuff to bring to his house. I know most people would say the ideal roommate is one that's never there, but we were best friends before all this happened and she completely shut off our friendship when she got a boyfriend.

One weekend one of my other roommates (we'll call her B) had her younger brother (he's 18) come stay with us for a football game. Jay knows B's brother because B and Jay and lived together last year. When B's brother got here, Jay texted him and asked him if he wanted to come smoke with her, and he went. B didn't know where he was going at the time, but he told her after. She was furious at both of them, but mostly Jay for even offering. I mean seriously, who asks their roommates little brother if he wants to come do illegal drugs with her? B confronted her about it and they got in a fight, so that just created even more tension.

Recently, she's been having friends come from out of town and she'll give them her key to our house so they can stay in her room, and she doesn't even ask us. If she was here staying with her friend, we really wouldn't care, but she's letting strangers we don't know stay with us. We've also tried talking to her about that but she's says it's her house too. I literally feel like no matter what we say, she won't listen.

We're all upset our friendship is basically ruined after all this, and we're more worried about her than anything. She was already on academic probation coming into this semester, and she admitted she barely goes to class anymore. We went to a party at Jay's boyfriend house earlier in the year and we know they do harder drugs and we're always worried she's gonna try them. We've tried talking to her about it but she ignores our texts and rarely ever comes home. And what happens if they break up and she moves back home? She's gonna want to act like nothing happened and everything is fine but we aren't willing to let this go. It's just something that has been bothering me and just needed to vent a lil about it :sad2:
Just curious, did you all have a sit down before moving in and set up ground rules? Particularly relating to letting non-roomies stay over? And what, if any, activities are not welcome in the apartment?
 
Just curious, did you all have a sit down before moving in and set up ground rules? Particularly relating to letting non-roomies stay over? And what, if any, activities are not welcome in the apartment?
We didn't just because we never thought it would be an issue since we all knew each other well. That's the conversation we tried to have after the first incident happened but we could never get her to sit down with us. We basically just had to send her text messages to let her know that we didn't want that in the house and as far as we know of it hasn't happened again. Now she knows we don't want strangers staying in the house without her, so hopefully it won't happen again.
It's just frustrating she can't sit down and have a serious conversation with us.
 
Time to have some rules drawn up that should have been drawn up before you all moved in together. because everyone is such good friends and everyone knows each other so well.
 
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We didn't just because we never thought it would be an issue since we all knew each other well. That's the conversation we tried to have after the first incident happened but we could never get her to sit down with us. We basically just had to send her text messages to let her know that we didn't want that in the house and as far as we know of it hasn't happened again. Now she knows we don't want strangers staying in the house without her, so hopefully it won't happen again.
It's just frustrating she can't sit down and have a serious conversation with us.
She might see it as a gang up. Try having it as just one person talking to her instead of everyone.
 
I hate to say it but I would get the locks changed ASAP and not give her a key. If she is falling in with a bad crowd she or any of her friends could try to come in and steal money or other things.
We can't change the locks because we don't own the house, but we can lock each of our rooms, which is what we did since we're all home for thanksgiving.
 


Could you make a request to the person that owns it asking if locks can be changed due to a security concern?
I don't think legally you can change the locks if the person is still legally on the lease and is paying rent. That's why you need to have some sort of written rules in place before you all move in together. Easy to get people removed from the lease that way if they break on the rules.
 
Since we live in student housing, we each have individual leases. We're each responsible for paying our own portion of rent and utilities. We live in a stand alone house, but it's an an apartment type neighborhood. We thought about going to the property managers, but we're not sure they would be able to do anything.
 
I hate to say it but I would get the locks changed ASAP and not give her a key. If she is falling in with a bad crowd she or any of her friends could try to come in and steal money or other things.

She’s a tenent there too. You can’t change the locks on her without evicting her and her hanging with a “bad crowd” isn’t a legal reason to evict someone.

This happens sometimes when a group of college friends move in with each other. If she’s agreed that guests can’t stay without her there and if she’s agreed not to do drugs at your house then it sounds like you just need to get through the rest of your lease term.

It’s not unusual that she’s cut back on time with you all if she’s seeing someone, but the friendship is probably over- and that’s okay.
 
Since we live in student housing, we each have individual leases. We're each responsible for paying our own portion of rent and utilities. We live in a stand alone house, but it's an an apartment type neighborhood. We thought about going to the property managers, but we're not sure they would be able to do anything.
I think you’re out of luck in that case. Such is the life of living with roommates... Especially that many.

Good luck!
 
She might see it as a gang up. Try having it as just one person talking to her instead of everyone.

I agree with this.

There absolutely needs to be a meeting of sorts, but if it's all four roommates versus just her, she'll most likely go on the defensive and not be receptive to the concerns that are being put forward. I would gather thoughts, opinions, or even letters, from your roommates and have the person in the house that's closest to her present it all to her. This is what you're doing and you probably don't realize it, but it's affecting all of us in this/these ways, etc.

OP, you mentioned that you're living in a stand-alone house but that it's student housing. Can you approach your university in regard to the drug use? I mean, if all else fails, perhaps they'll have some recourse to remove her from the home. It would suck to go that route, but if all other options fail, I don't see any other option.
 
I mean seriously, who asks their roommates little brother if he wants to come do illegal drugs with her?
Yes an adult, and it not her actual friend, at least a close enough acquaintance that she knew he smokes.
I hate to say it but I would get the locks changed ASAP and not give her a key. If she is falling in with a bad crowd she or any of her friends could try to come in and steal money or other things.
Harder drugs than marijuana don't necessarily mean it's a bad crowd. And it doesn't mean they're thieves.
 
Harder drugs than marijuana don't necessarily mean it's a bad crowd. And it doesn't mean they're thieves.

Doing drugs doesn't mean that they are automatically theives, but I would disagree with the harder drugs part. Harder drugs are addicting and ILLEGAL. If the group of people you are with are doing things that are Illegal, I would safely call them a bad crowd.

I appreciate the discussion about wether doing marijuana is ok or not and feel like that is a legit debate, however the doing harder drugs part is not ok.
 
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