Non-custodial visitation time

[Accident]

I have no problem with calling it visitation, that's what the courts call it. I had joint custody so visitation was the term used for both of our time with our daughter, one of us had parental custody which in my state means school and residential choices are that parent's final choice. (note: it says final choice, it wasn't an absence of eithers input). From about 5 years to 13, I saw her most weekends with a fair holiday and summer schedule. From 14 - 18, I had parental custody and it reversed. However her mom choose to leave the area so for a lot of that, she ways always with me. My daughter is 20 now so custody is a non-issue for us but my daughter has chosen to remain living in my area (her mom is about 1000 miles away).

Of course any good parent wants every minute with their children. It gets better and more comfortable for those in a similar situation of both parents being good with the children. As they get older, you'll run into situations with school friends and things that will interfere with any visitation schedule. When it's time for them to leave the nest, this feeling right now is nothing compared to what your going to experience when that happens.

 

[Tiffylv]

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[imthegoose]

That is fabulous that you see your son every day. It's great that you are an involved parent and take an active role in his life. No, you are not a visitor in your son's life....you are a real father. It would be offensive for someone to imply otherwise. But PLEASE don't assume it is the same for everyone, every mother, and every father. My son's father is in jail because he assaulted my son twice as an infant and took him from me in a parking lot while a restraining order was in place. So no, I won't be insisting my son spend 50% of his time with his father. He actually spends 0% of his time with his father and that is what's best.

I do not assume that it is the same for everyone. The majority of men want to be good fathers. We want to be able to see our kids as much as possible. The minority are in your situation. However, society treats us like we're the latter. I do believe that in every single case, unless there are extenuating circumstance (like in yours), there should be 50/50 custody. The child's best interest always comes first and research has shown time and time again that the best thing for a child is having both parents. This whole custodial/non-custodial... treating men like visitors in their children's lives is disgusting and does nothing but keep lawyers in business.

I think, especially on a board where all men here are clearly doing the right thing by their children, to start calling us visitors instead of parents is rude, insulting and sexist. I don't care what the courts call it. The courts are biased and do not have the best interest of children at heart.

 

[Tiffylv]

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[imthegoose]

Sorry, it sounded like you were blanketing posters in this thread, of which I am one of them. You seem like a great dad and I am sorry for any mistreatment you have received. But no one is pointing the finger at you or any of the other dads here. I agree that if a dad is able and willing to be involved 50/50 custody should definitely be in consideration however there are plenty of people in situations where the father is unable or doesn't want to have 50/50 custody. In that case I don't think the mother should be insisting upon it if the father doesn't want it. In my opinion it isn't in the child's best interest to be around someone who doesn't want them around.

I'm not saying at all that's the case for you or anyone else here, just pointing out there are plenty of reasons why 50/50 custody isn't awarded (or followed) and some of them don't have to do with anyone's opinion of single fathers as a whole. I know, unfortunately, there are also plenty of perfectly great able and willing fathers who aren't given their fair share of custody and that's a real shame for everyone involved.

I don't think anyone here was pointing the finger at fathers like you who are doing the best things for their kids. I think the terms "non-custodial" and "visitation" were probably used as an attempt to be politically correct since those are the official terms used by court. Whether or not that's fair is a whole different point. This thread was created to ask parents what they do to fill their time while their child is with the other parent. Anyone in that situation is welcome to contribute.

I understand why the thread was started. It was started to specifically ask "custodial" parents what they did when that part time parent had their kid. Now, I know that wasn't the intention of the OP to have it interpreted that way. However, being that "noncustodial" parent who wasn't invited to participate in this thread, that is how I read this. This is how a lot of us see this. We get to babysit when mom needs a break. Look at the title of the thread. It's intended to leave me out no matter how good a parent I am. Society needs to realize that men are equally as good at parenting as women. We are just as necessary to their well being. If I started a thread about what us men do when our ex's are keeping our children from us, I'm sure someone would get upset. This thread is a direct insult to those of us who are damn great parents who sacrifice and do everything we can for our children while dealing with biased courts and power hungry ex's who need to be in control.

I don't usually get on a soapbox but for this topic I do. My son will grow up knowing that I am always there for him and will fight for every second of time I can spend with him. So.... you know what I do those days I don't have my son? I do laundry (b/c us men can do that also). I cook (yes, for myself and my son b/c men amazingly can feed ourselves). I plan trips for us, Disney and others. I go to work to support me, my son and to supplement my ex's income b/c well....that's the terrific society we live in.

All I want here is some respect for men. You want to ask what parents do when their children are with their ex... that's a fair question. To intentionally limit it to custodial parents and call me a visitor, sorry...but that offends me.

 

[Tiffylv]

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[MommyMeNDisney]

There is nothing anyone can say to get you to not be offended. You are determined to let this offend you. I'm sorry you're expending so much energy on this.

The bottom line is, I did not intend to offend you or anyone else. You obviously have issues with this that has nothing to do with me. My ex uses "visitation" when referring to his time with our son. So, I didn't think for one second it would offend anyone.

Every topic doesn't have to include everyone. There's a topic on here about what to do when your teenage child doesn't want to go on vacation. I don't have a teenager. So, guess what? I don't have anything to contribute to that topic. There's a topic asking if anyone is going on an 8/3/15 Alaskan cruise. I didn't get offended because I wasn't "included". If you wanted to share what you do when you don't have your kid, just share it. Don't "go off" because you think someone woke up and decided to offend you and your son. I was honestly just trying to see how others in my situation coped with being away from their child, when they are used to being with their child the majority of the time.

Again, I'm sorry you were offended. I hope you can understand that I've made my peace with this and I will not continue to spend anymore time addressing this. I'd much rather enjoy the positive things about this board, as I have enough negative stuff in my life. I have no need to add more by continuing to engage in conversation with a stranger who is determined to believe I started this post to offend someone.

 

[IloveDisney77]

I do not assume that it is the same for everyone. The majority of men want to be good fathers. We want to be able to see our kids as much as possible. The minority are in your situation. However, society treats us like we're the latter. I do believe that in every single case, unless there are extenuating circumstance (like in yours), there should be 50/50 custody. The child's best interest always comes first and research has shown time and time again that the best thing for a child is having both parents. This whole custodial/non-custodial... treating men like visitors in their children's lives is disgusting and does nothing but keep lawyers in business.

I think, especially on a board where all men here are clearly doing the right thing by their children, to start calling us visitors instead of parents is rude, insulting and sexist. I don't care what the courts call it. The courts are biased and do not have the best interest of children at heart.

As a father who is for all intents and purposes the primary caretaker of my daughter, I thank God daily that I lived in a county here in NC where parental rights begin at 50/50 and go up and down for either party based off of extenuating circumstances. With all of the issues my soon to be ex-wife has, I can't imagine how hurt/angry I would be if I lived in state/county that based custody solely on the sex of the parent. Clearly this happened to you and I'm sorry that it did.

With that said and to answer the original question, I try to keep myself busy doing projects around the house, shopping, getting a massage, planning our yearly disney trip, meeting up with a friend for a drink/golf every now and then, hiking, biking, working out, or frankly anything to keep me busy and my mind off missing my daughter. My soon to be ex wife gets our daughter every other weekend but because she has "stuff" going on Saturday nights, I have her every Saturday night and because she teaches fitness classes Sunday afternoon, I have our daughter all day Sunday until her classes are finished. Where it really sucks though is when she takes her off on vacation and I don't see her for days....I'm still getting used to that one. Most recently (4th of July weekend) I realized that if I also go away for the weekend and keep myself busy the time away from her goes quicker and shockingly, I have some fun as well. I guess that is allowed.

Overall though, I just think it sucks for either parent if you really love your child and want the best for him/her not to be able to see your child every day. Not seeing my wife daily has been a god-send....not seeing my daughter everyday has been hell. One seems to get both sides when dealing with a divorce.

 

[smashing]

This had been my biggest adjustment. I am just starting to enjoy life without my ex...no more bull to deal with constantly. But from a Mom who only had 1 weekend away from my kids in 9 years this has been a struggle. Just made it though 2 weeks of summer holidays with their Dad and that was torture!!! I finally decided to have some "me" time and enjoyed a facial and massage.
I don't know if I will ever get used to not having them with me all the time.

 

[NCTwinMom]

My XH and I share 50/50 parenting time and I've learned to enjoy my time while the kids are with their dad. I do tend to work more when they aren't here, which is how I was able to save for our WDW vacation. I also do my heavy-duty housework, make-ahead meals and as many routine things as I can to make the time when the kids are here go smoothly. We do week on/week off and now I find myself looking forward to Mondays, our switching day. I get out of work early on Monday because I miss them so much I can hardly wait to see them. But parenting two very energetic 4 year olds is exhausting, so when the next Monday rolls around I am ready for a break.

 

[rmm8127]

Visitation is at my house now since some stuff went down at his mom's house. I only get a couple of hours but I usually catch up on chores while keeping on eye on my DD and ex.

 

[MommyMeNDisney]

With that said and to answer the original question, I try to keep myself busy doing projects around the house, shopping, getting a massage, planning our yearly disney trip, meeting up with a friend for a drink/golf every now and then, hiking, biking, working out, or frankly anything to keep me busy and my mind off missing my daughter. My soon to be ex wife gets our daughter every other weekend but because she has "stuff" going on Saturday nights, I have her every Saturday night and because she teaches fitness classes Sunday afternoon, I have our daughter all day Sunday until her classes are finished. Where it really sucks though is when she takes her off on vacation and I don't see her for days....I'm still getting used to that one. Most recently (4th of July weekend) I realized that if I also go away for the weekend and keep myself busy the time away from her goes quicker and shockingly, I have some fun as well. I guess that is allowed.

Overall though, I just think it sucks for either parent if you really love your child and want the best for him/her not to be able to see your child every day. Not seeing my wife daily has been a god-send....not seeing my daughter everyday has been hell. One seems to get both sides when dealing with a divorce.

I agree, keeping busy helps. I also plan vacations for us to ease the pain of missing my baby and to maximize the quality time we have together. When it's been a couple days since I've seen my baby, it gets debilitating to me. I can't function. I can't muster up the energy to do anything other than lie down and wish the time would go by faster. I keep telling myself it will get better when he gets older and can talk. I really hope that's the case, because this is so hard!

The 4th of July was so hard for me. Four days my baby was away from me! I didn't go anywhere. I just sat around the house sad, missing my baby. I'm not looking forward to Labor Day. I'm starting to dread holidays. We haven't gotten to where he takes him on "vacation" yet. Thank God someone had enough sense to say a week away from the primary caregiver would be traumatizing to a baby!

Also, I know exactly how you feel when you say seeing your ex is hell! I'm also glad I don't have to see my ex everyday. I wish I somehow never had to see him again for the rest of my life.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. Maybe I'll plan something for Labor Day to help make the time go by faster and hopefully make it easier. We'll see.

 

[MommyMeNDisney]

This had been my biggest adjustment. I am just starting to enjoy life without my ex...no more bull to deal with constantly. But from a Mom who only had 1 weekend away from my kids in 9 years this has been a struggle. Just made it though 2 weeks of summer holidays with their Dad and that was torture!!! I finally decided to have some "me" time and enjoyed a facial and massage.
I don't know if I will ever get used to not having them with me all the time.

I'm sure that had to be hard. I'm sorry. So far, the longest I've been away from DS was 4 days. It felt like forever. He's still a baby (1).

 

[rmm8127]

I'm sure that had to be hard. I'm sorry. So far, the longest I've been away from DS was 4 days. It felt like forever. He's still a baby (1).

I can't even imagine being without my kid that long. She's 5 and the longest we've gone is 2 days apart and that was just to my sister's. And I was working crazy hours that weekend. My ex use to have overnight visitation but it didn't go over so well with him or his family and it was better and safer for DD to just visit a few hours.

 

[NJOYURLIFE]

IMTHEGOOSE has a good point. And it's wonderful that you are so involved in your child's life.

I think if the courts referred to it as parenting time, maybe it might be seen more seriously by some.

Sadly in my case it is pure visitation . We seemed to be the only 2 in court where he fought against time with his child. He takes her 2 days out of every 14 and during those 2 days he doesn't devote them entirely to her. If he could have gotten out of that he would have. My daughter is autistic and I need a respite from her. But I miss her when she is gone. Next week is his required one week during the summer. Last year I cried the whole week, but I refuse to do that this year. I am going to force myself to get out.

 

[jevs]

Meh. I can count on one hand the amount of fathers doing as imthegoose does in Australia. We have sole parent families living in poverty as I'm sure the US does however the majority of sole parent families are headed by women so the majority of men in Australia are NOT doing all they can.

I have 100% custody. The kids see their father a few times a year if they are lucky, this is his choice. It was also his choice to move away to the other side of the country. When they are with him, visiting - as they don't have their own space, their own room, toys, etc etc I usually spring clean their rooms and count the seconds until they are home.

Oh, and I'm not bitter and twisted. It is what it is. Men like imthegoose are one in a million in my experience, and in an ideal world both parents would give 100% but this doesn't even happen in two parent families

 

[Tiffylv]

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