Not sure what to do

[wgeo]

I wouldn’t bother, they’ve made it clear they don’t want you in their lives. And not that you asked, but I wouldn’t be inclined to seek a relationship/offer condolences to people so toxic they’d disown you for loving and supporting a family member for being herself.


Poop jokes are immature — what you describe is hateful bigotry. I’m glad your niece has you to lean on.

You're right of course. But the messy truth is that I firmly believe that Love matters most of all and I spent my entire life loving my family with the idea that I would do anything for them (and the idea they would do the same for me). So while I know they way they are treating her and me is inexecusable, it's hard for me to turn my back on them because I don't turn my back on people ya know?

 

[DLgal]

I would send the card, addressed specifically to your brother's wife. These are the kinds of moments that are best to go with your gut instinct.

BTW, you rock! The rest of your unsupportive family sucks.

 

[Hikergirl]

At first I thought- send a card, it is the right thing to do.
Then I read why they cut you out of their lives, so I wouldn't send them (of the SIL) a card. Sometimes toxic people just don't deserve the right thing.
I would just donate to a charity in the SIL's mothers name if you want to honor her in some way.
If it were me I'd find a charity that supports the LGBT community

 

[RUDisney]

I sent a card to my high school boyfriend from 25 years ago when his grandmother passed away (who I hadn't seen in 25 years, but spent a lot of time with in the two years we dated). So yes, I'd send a card.

I did the same thing for a BF from HS. I was worried that they'd read more into it, but I wanted to do the right thing and acknowledge her passing.

I'd send a card for the sole purpose of doing the right thing. I'd prefer to be criticized for doing what is right, and makes me feel good, than for being criticized for not doing it.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I've mentioned it in other threads, doesn't really pertain to the current issue. But the very short version is that I supported my niece when she came out as lesbian and the rest of the family did not. And instead of discussing anything with me they literally just cut me, my husband and my children out of their lives.

Well screw those people, then. But still send a card, addressed specifically to your brother's wife

 

[Cindy's Mom]

At first I thought- send a card, it is the right thing to do.
Then I read why they cut you out of their lives, so I wouldn't send them (of the SIL) a card. Sometimes toxic people just don't deserve the right thing.
I would just donate to a charity in the SIL's mothers name if you want to honor her in some way.
If it were me I'd find a charity that supports the LGBT community

and I'd have the charity send the thank you note to your brothers.

 

[DLgal]

and I'd have the charity send the thank you note to your brothers.

Don't do this. It is a super passive aggressive move and would not reflect well on you.

 

[J'aime Paris]

I would not send a card.
What if your brother finds out that your mom told you about the MIL's passing? Will he then turn her out of his life too?

 

[wgeo]

Don't do this. It is a super passive aggressive move and would not reflect well on you.

It sounds fun to do, but I really wouldn't. I'm sure that there will be a charity listed in the obit, and I would send the money there. But for fun I could send a matching donation to an LGBTQ charity just for the heck of it and not tell them. I may enjoy that.

 

[L&Lfan]

^^^See to me that would be spiteful and would defeat the purpose of “doing the right thing”. But that just my way of thinking. I try not to sink to others’ level.

 

[wgeo]

I would not send a card.
What if your brother finds out that your mom told you about the MIL's passing? Will he then turn her out of his life too?

My brothers are aware that my parents still talk to me. My parents snowbird down here, and we vacationed together this year. My parents have this bizarre thing were they think if they just keep acting like nothing has happened that magically it will all go away. I did finally have to ask my mom to tell me less stories about my brother's families because it hurt me too much.

 

[wgeo]

^^^See to me that would be spiteful and would defeat the purpose of “doing the right thing”. But that just my way of thinking. I try not to sink to others’ level.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by that? I would send a donation to the charity of their choice in their mom's name. And then as a seperate thing send money to a charity of my choice in my name. Not sure how that is equivalent to sinking to their level?

 

[Cindy's Mom]

Don't do this. It is a super passive aggressive move and would not reflect well on you.

you quoted me.....this is not passive aggressive, its AGGRESSIVE and after what they did to her, why the heck not. I'd do it and not even look back and frankly not give a darn about any reflection upon me

ETA: to me, all bets are off when they cut me out while defending family.

 

[L&Lfan]

I'm not quite sure what you mean by that? I would send a donation to the charity of their choice in their mom's name. And then as a seperate thing send money to a charity of my choice in my name. Not sure how that is equivalent to sinking to their level?

I was responding to post 26 which was the latest post.... but I’m slow! I wasn’t referring to you but to that poster’s suggestion...sorry for the confusion!

 

[Neesy228]

I’d send the card. If you are well-meaning in your intent, it’s not your problem if they let it bother them.
...and honestly, how petty would you have to be to get angry that someone sent you a sympathy card when one of your parents died?

 

[J'aime Paris]

My brothers are aware that my parents still talk to me. My parents snowbird down here, and we vacationed together this year. My parents have this bizarre thing were they think if they just keep acting like nothing has happened that magically it will all go away. I did finally have to ask my mom to tell me less stories about my brother's families because it hurt me too much.

Oh gotcha....was not aware your brothers knew that your mom keeps you in the loop.
I would still not send one, due to the extremes they took to exclude you from their life, but it's ultimately your choice.

 

[DLgal]

you quoted me.....this is not passive aggressive, its AGGRESSIVE and after what they did to her, why the heck not. I'd do it and not even look back and frankly not give a darn about any reflection upon me

ETA: to me, all bets are off when they cut me out while defending family.

Look, I am with you in spirit. I mean, I cut off a huge portion of my family because of some stupid wedding drama way back when I got married. I have no issue cutting toxic relatives out of my life.

BUT, someone has died here. Now is not the time. Now is when the phrase "be the bigger person" comes into play.

 

[Hikergirl]

^^^See to me that would be spiteful and would defeat the purpose of “doing the right thing”. But that just my way of thinking. I try not to sink to others’ level.

I don't consider it sinking to their level, I mean they decided to totally cut the OP from their lives. I don't think sending a charitable donation in the name of the deceased comes anywhere near that level, especially because it isn't like the brother and SIL are ever going to know about it.

FWIW, I think the OP has already done the right thing, she has already demonstrated that she is the better person, and what did these people do- they stopped all contact with her. She isn't involved with them at all, so in this case there really isn't a "do the right thing" by them. This is between the OP and whatever relationship she had with the deceased, and if she didn't have one then she is free to honor her in a way that is important to her.

 

[Owlpost23]

It's never wrong to be kind.Send a card.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

.....it's hard for me to turn my back on them because I don't turn my back on people ya know?

I would have no problem with turning my back to people that stopped talking to me because I loved their own child unconditionally. These are bad people.

As for the card? Well cards are for the living. They don't deserve your time pr comfort.

Honor the dead by thinking of them on a peaceful walk. Or doing a good deed for an elderly person.

And your parents aren't clueless. They know your brother and wife abandoned their grandchild, right? They are extremely toxic to be telling you stories about these awful people.

You are so good. That is why you are struggling with the card. But you have to pretend these people don't even exist. They are horrible humans to do that to their child.