Older teen/young adults and family vacations

It was not an obligation and at this point it wasn’t even an invite. It was a summons backed up by so-called financial support. Where since OP paid 95% of the financial support she felt entitled to her daughter. Oh and doesn’t like her daughter’s boyfriend. Then OP edited her post. We can agree to disagree here.
What post did you read? They planned the visit around a weekend the DD chose and she agreed to go. That’s an obligation. The rest really doesn’t matter.
 
Yes!!! We have an 18 year old and a 20 year old. Just last week I had that conversation with my younger one. Yep, she’s 18 and can do whatever she wants. Her Dad and I can do whatever we want, too. We’ve raised them and have given them everything they could ever need. Anything we do for them now is a bonus and can be taken away. Their lives are pretty cushy. We can make things very uncomfortable for them.

I DO NOT LOVE this parenting stage!!
::yes:: Truth is, all adult relationships are reciprocal to some degree, even those between parents and off-spring. It's not unreasonable at all for young adults at this age to be taken to task over their obligations. And I'm not talking about "conditional love" here, I'm talking about the basic courtesy and respect mature people give to one another and parents of all people, deserve that from their grown children. My guess is most of our kids would never pull the stunts on their friends they pull on us.
It was not an obligation and at this point it wasn’t even an invite. It was a summons backed up by so-called financial support. Where since OP paid 95% of the financial support she felt entitled to her daughter. Oh and doesn’t like her daughter’s boyfriend. Then OP edited her post. We can agree to disagree here.
Yes, we can. I do think though you have assumed the worst in how this thing was organized. A "summons" is not at all the way the OP described it; far from it. It was a family trip in which the DD was involved in planning. And nowhere did the OP mention dangling the carrot of the DD's on-going support - that's been brought up by the rest of us, not the OP.
 
Ok have fun. Yet if you ever change your mind, you & your boyfriend are still welcome always to come. Take this as a lesson learned. In the future you can’t make plans around her schedule anymore. It’s this date and this time. If she can make it, great. If not, maybe another time. Leave the ball in her court.

I have teens now. They don’t want to go everywhere with us. They have the option to opt out. Which majority of the time they do. Are we sad? Yeah, yet we understand this is the future of being empty nesters one day. Do we let them know we are sad? Nope.

The financial support is a separate issue here and should be discussed at another time. Just because you provide 95% of the support doesn’t automatically give you the right to force her or summon her to attend. If you feel it’s time to scale back in that department for her to gain financial independence, do so in phases. That way this doesn’t look like retaliation for not going on the family trip.
I disagree. If the parents asked her if she wanted to go on this trip, and she declined, so be it. However, she agreed to go, they based the dates on her schedule, and she bailed. I’d be disappointed if my Dd did this to her friends, too.
 
It was not an obligation and at this point it wasn’t even an invite. It was a summons backed up by so-called financial support. Where since OP paid 95% of the financial support she felt entitled to her daughter. Oh and doesn’t like her daughter’s boyfriend. Then OP edited her post. We can agree to disagree here.
Nothing has been edited. Not sure where that is coming from. We've been trying to pick a weekend since early May. She chose this weekend in June about two weeks ago, and now she wants to bail. That's where the frustration lies. She was teary yesterday because she was trying to "decide" what to do, and I didn't engage then. I got a text at 5am saying she decided to go with boyfriend's family. I'm annoyed.
 


I feel for you OP! I have three kids ages 23,almost 21 and 18. Yes they may be “legal” adults, but in many ways they are still kids. If she picked the date and others planned around her, I think I would tell her to suck it buttercup😃😃 you’re going.

I also think kids and most people in general would rather do something they deem more fun, but sometimes ya gotta take one for the team. Especially since she is not yet a full on adult in my mind. A full on adult to me is self supporting.
In short, she made a commitment..Now she needs to honor that commitment.
Good luck!
 
I have a 21 yr old son and a 18 year old daughter. I could see my son doing this, not to spend time with the significant other's family. But, for him and his girlfriend to have our house to themselves. This is the first summer that he won't be home. He just moved into his own apartment in May
 
Nothing has been edited. Not sure where that is coming from. We've been trying to pick a weekend since early May. She chose this weekend in June about two weeks ago, and now she wants to bail. That's where the frustration lies. She was teary yesterday because she was trying to "decide" what to do, and I didn't engage then. I got a text at 5am saying she decided to go with boyfriend's family. I'm annoyed.

I’m so sorry. I’d be very annoyed and upset too. Especially since this is a trip to go see family, that (presumably) you don’t see often because they don’t live close. She’s not just letting you down, but them too.
 


I don’t think you have to be nice. I think you have to be honest. “You are being very disrespectful if you don’t come. You are an adult and we can’t make you come, and don’t want to because past behavior shows us that you are a raging ***** if you don’t get your way. But we no longer HAVE to provide you with financial support and will be reevaluating how much we provide since you obviously value us so little.
 
Once my kids were in college, I didn’t base many plans around them. It was more, this is what dad and I have planned and you are welcome to join us.

If DD22 had done this, I would not be concerned at all with a “nice” response. I would tell her straight out that my feelings were hurt that she would bail on plans with us because she got a better offer. I would tell her that I would keep this in mind before I made plans with her again. Then I would let it go as best as I could.
 
I understand why you are so annoyed/angry. I have 3 kids- 2 who are teens in HS and make loads of plans with friends and one who is going into his junior year in college and is the same. The biggest issue I see is that you waited 3 weeks for her to tell you guys when she could go, then your weekend was planned around that, then she now wants to bail... THAT would be what wouldn’t fly in my house.

If I just made plans to visit relatives out of town for a weekend and it wasn’t convenient for my college aged son because of work or plans he already had made, I would be fine with it... but not so much because he got a better offer.
 
It was not an obligation and at this point it wasn’t even an invite. It was a summons backed up by so-called financial support. Where since OP paid 95% of the financial support she felt entitled to her daughter. Oh and doesn’t like her daughter’s boyfriend. Then OP edited her post. We can agree to disagree here.

That doesn't matter- The dd told the OP she would go. Now she is most certainly backing out.
I say this as a parent who is supporting my dd through college- the money I give her isn't for her to take off on a weekend getaway with her BF. It's to make sure she has food and roof over her head while going to school. It isn't to fund her lifestyle. So yes I'd be pretty POed if my dd decided to run away with her BF or friends after committing to our family getaway.
Family "vacations" would be paid for by me, if she chooses to take a vacation with somebody else she will be responsible for paying for it and the amount of support I give would likely change, and she would have to get a job if that is something she decided to do.
Maybe some parents are made of money, maybe some don't care about teaching financial responsibility to their young adult children, and maybe some don't care about teaching their adult children how to be adults and that their decisions have real consequences.
I do.
 
2nd year of college- you are lucky she went along with family vacations that long, by 2nd year of high school I was not longer going on family vacations that I didn't want to go on. Heck if I had to choose between visiting family and a beach trip I would take the beach any day. My daughter is 19 and also finished her 2nd year of college. This summer she is going to Disney for a week with her boyfriend- coming home for 3 days and then going to Italy, Portugal and France for 2 weeks with the boyfriends family. There is no way I would force my 19 year old to go on any family vacation.
That's not really the point. Unless you're saying you let her pick a weekend to do something with you and she ditched you when something better came along.
 
She was teary yesterday because she was trying to "decide" what to do, and I didn't engage then. I got a text at 5am saying she decided to go with boyfriend's family. I'm annoyed.

I think you should have spoken up yesterday when, "she was teary eyed and trying to decide". Maybe she took your silence as you not caring what she decided to do?
Just curious, did you invite her boyfriend on this get away as well?
 
It's that she committed to going and now is backing out that isn't ok to me. If she would have said no upfront that would have been fine by me. But a committment is different. Everyone (not just adults) need to stand by what they say. In grade school my daughter got invited by a friend to do something and said yes and then was invited by someone else to do something "more fun". She wasn't allowed to say no to the first friend and change plans because when you give your word you should follow through period. So if this were my kid, I would reminder her again of that point. I wouldn't force her to go, but I would definitely let her know I thought her choices were poor, and I wouldn't threaten to take away money over one bad choice. If there was a pattern of disrespect that would be a different issue with the money, but just one screw up doesn't mean I'm gonna stop supporting my kid.
 
That doesn't matter- The dd told the OP she would go. Now she is most certainly backing out.
I say this as a parent who is supporting my dd through college- the money I give her isn't for her to take off on a weekend getaway with her BF. It's to make sure she has food and roof over her head while going to school. It isn't to fund her lifestyle. So yes I'd be pretty POed if my dd decided to run away with her BF or friends after committing to our family getaway.
Family "vacations" would be paid for by me, if she chooses to take a vacation with somebody else she will be responsible for paying for it and the amount of support I give would likely change, and she would have to get a job if that is something she decided to do.
Maybe some parents are made of money, maybe some don't care about teaching financial responsibility to their young adult children, and maybe some don't care about teaching their adult children how to be adults and that their decisions have real consequences.
I do.

As an adult you CAN change your mind. Sure there can consequences of those decisions. This situation seems very controlling where it’s treating an Adult child still as a child. Why even mention the financial support. It’s setting up to be that mother in law when future spouses come into play working out the holidays.
 
As an adult you CAN change your mind. Sure there can consequences of those decisions. This situation seems very controlling where it’s treating an Adult child still as a child. Why even mention the financial support. It’s setting up to be that mother in law when future spouses come into play working out the holidays.
But yet you've stated there shouldn't be any for this girl in this case. The consequences should all be borne by the rest of the family in terms of their feelings and their inconvenience. I think we all probably do way too much of that for our kids all along, which contributes to them treating us like this in the first place.
 
But yet you've stated there shouldn't be any for this girl in this case. The consequences should all be borne by the rest of the family in terms of their feelings and their inconvenience. I think we all probably do way too much of that for our kids all along, which contributes to them treating us like this in the first place.

Nope. This is what I said, “In the future you can’t make plans around her schedule anymore. It’s this date and this time. If she can make it, great. If not, maybe another time. Leave the ball in her court.”

That’s the consequence not waiting for her to make up her mind, waiting for her schedule, and rearranging others schedules. Life goes on.
 
As an adult you CAN change your mind. Sure there can consequences of those decisions. This situation seems very controlling where it’s treating an Adult child still as a child. Why even mention the financial support. It’s setting up to be that mother in law when future spouses come into play working out the holidays.

Yes you are right she can change her mind, and the consequences (if it were my dd) might be less financial support, it definitely would if this were to become the norm. The money I give her isn't a gift to do as she pleases, it's for a specific purpose. I'm going to assume that the OP has a similar arrangement with her dd about school, and what parents are willing to do to help.
For me, I don't consider my adult dd a child, however she isn't exactly a responsible full blow adult either- at least not while she's being totally supported my us. I respect her to make her own choices, but that in no way means I have to continue to finance those choices if they have nothing to do with what we agreed we would finance.

Truth is I'm not sure what you think is the "right" thing for the OP to do in this case.
Do you feel she shouldn't be annoyed? She shouldn't discuss her disappointment and expectations and change things if she feels it is necessary?
I mean I guess she could just shrug her shoulders and say Ok sweetie whatever you want but I bet in the long run that causes way more issues than working out future holidays. Setting a precedent where your adult child takes advantage of you never works out.

ETA just saw what you posted above and you are right for the future.
However the OP is asking advice about the current situation. THis is still a parent and child issue, even if said child is over 18.
 
Once my kids were in college, I didn’t base many plans around them. It was more, this is what dad and I have planned and you are welcome to join us.

If DD22 had done this, I would not be concerned at all with a “nice” response. I would tell her straight out that my feelings were hurt that she would bail on plans with us because she got a better offer. I would tell her that I would keep this in mind before I made plans with her again. Then I would let it go as best as I could.
The letting go part is hard for me-that I'll freely admit. There's a pattern and a history with the boyfriend that makes it tough for me to watch her make choices like this that are not how she was brought up, if that makes any sense.
I think you should have spoken up yesterday when, "she was teary eyed and trying to decide". Maybe she took your silence as you not caring what she decided to do?
Just curious, did you invite her boyfriend on this get away as well?
I thought she was teary because she was going to have to tell him she wasn't going with him, not because she was going to bail on our trip. She asked yesterday if DH and DS could rearrange their vacation hours to the following weekend, and I explained that she had chosen this weekend, and now plans were set-both here and on the other end. Boyfriend was not invited on this weekend because we are staying at my mom's, but he was invited on a family camping trip later this summer. I've worked very hard to not say bad things about boyfriend to DD because I feel like she will probably end of married to him, but I do not always like the choices she makes when they are together.
 

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