Older teen/young adults and family vacations

[mnrose]

2nd year of college- you are lucky she went along with family vacations that long, by 2nd year of high school I was not longer going on family vacations that I didn't want to go on. Heck if I had to choose between visiting family and a beach trip I would take the beach any day. My daughter is 19 and also finished her 2nd year of college. This summer she is going to Disney for a week with her boyfriend- coming home for 3 days and then going to Italy, Portugal and France for 2 weeks with the boyfriends family. There is no way I would force my 19 year old to go on any family vacation.

I don't see this as "forcing." She was perfectly willing to commit to her UNTIL a perceived "better" offer came along. Sorry, I see this about making the ADULT decision to honor your commitments. If you've made a commitment (which she had), she's not free to "accept" another one. The time to say NO would have been when first asked. Having said yes, she's obligated in my opinion. This happens all.the.time in the real world. My life is FULL of requests/invitations I have to turn down because I'm already committed.

 

[mnrose]

Nothing has been edited. Not sure where that is coming from. We've been trying to pick a weekend since early May. She chose this weekend in June about two weeks ago, and now she wants to bail. That's where the frustration lies. She was teary yesterday because she was trying to "decide" what to do, and I didn't engage then. I got a text at 5am saying she decided to go with boyfriend's family. I'm annoyed.

You have every right to be annoyed. It's a ****ty thing to do. She wouldn't do this to her friends, yet she feels perfectly ok "ditching" you. It's not right. And, I would not pull any punches in my conversation with her. So often, as parents, we suck it up. My kids are at the age where if they hurt me, they need to know. No, it won't change the love I feel for them (of course), but they have no right to walk all over us just because we love them.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I’d just let her know it’s her choice, but you’re disappointed because you’d already made plans together as a family. I wouldn’t expect her to change her plans, but at least you’d get your feelings out there.

I agree with this.

 

[mnrose]

Yes you are right she can change her mind, and the consequences (if it were my dd) might be less financial support, it definitely would if this were to become the norm. The money I give her isn't a gift to do as she pleases, it's for a specific purpose. I'm going to assume that the OP has a similar arrangement with her dd about school, and what parents are willing to do to help.
For me, I don't consider my adult dd a child, however she isn't exactly a responsible full blow adult either- at least not while she's being totally supported my us. I respect her to make her own choices, but that in no way means I have to continue to finance those choices if they have nothing to do with what we agreed we would finance.

Truth is I'm not sure what you think is the "right" thing for the OP to do in this case.
Do you feel she shouldn't be annoyed? She shouldn't discuss her disappointment and expectations and change things if she feels it is necessary?
I mean I guess she could just shrug her shoulders and say Ok sweetie whatever you want but I bet in the long run that causes way more issues than working out future holidays. Setting a precedent where your adult child takes advantage of you never works out.

ETA just saw what you posted above and you are right for the future.
However the OP is asking advice about the current situation. THis is still a parent and child issue, even if said child is over 18.

Are we the same person? My DD was telling me just the other day "I'm an adult, I can do as I please." My laughing response: "adults support themselves. Until then, I've got the right to have an opinion on what you do." I also like to remind her that two days after high school graduation was the last time I "lived" with my parents and expected them to financially support me. Since then, I've paid my own way. I was an "adult" at 18. She is not. It's ridiculous to assert that you are "an adult" and can make all your decisions and (at the same time) expect Mom and Dad to pay 90+% of your bills. Does.not.compute. She is, of course, perfectly free to strike out on her own, and do as she pleases....just not on my dime.

 

[Wendy31]

I have a 19 year old daughter, &, while she's technically an adult & can make her own decisions, she's still learning how to navigate her world &, sometimes, needs assistance and/or guidance.

In the OP's situation, I'd be very disappointed w/ my DD. And, honestly, I'd be hurt as well. I understand that grown kids have their own lives & want to spend time w/ their friends & boyfriends/girlfriends. A weekend w/ the boyfriend is going to naturally be more appealing than a weekend spent visiting family. I get it. I've been there.

However, that said, I want my children to know (& feel) that family is important too. If you wouldn't back out on your friends, don't back out on family.

After she was invited, she committed to go w/ her family on this particular weekend. Before the trip was planned, the DD was consulted to see which weekend would be better. Others (her dad & her brother) adjusted their work schedules to accommodate the weekend that would work better for the DD.

Going back on the original plans because "a better offer came along" is not kind & considerate & is NOT the adult thing to do.

And this is one of those instances where a 19 year old may need guidance in learning how to navigate the decision-making process & figuring out the correct, adult choice.

EDITED TO ADD - Our DD relies on 95% of our support too. So, no, I don't yet consider her an independent, self-supporting, free to do as she pleases adult. I don't hold our support over her head, but I think she does realize that we still have some say in her life.

 

[mjkacmom]

As an adult you CAN change your mind. Sure there can consequences of those decisions. This situation seems very controlling where it’s treating an Adult child still as a child. Why even mention the financial support. It’s setting up to be that mother in law when future spouses come into play working out the holidays.

She’s not treating her as a child. If I made weekend plans with my sister, and she backed out a couple weeks later because her friend invited her to something better, I’d be very annoyed. Obviously things pop up, like illness or work obligations, but not a better time. I’m sure we have all taught our kids of the importance of commitment. Sorry sweetheart, although you’d rather go the water park with Suzy, you already said yes to Sally’s birthday party.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Honestly, the younger set are driving me crazy. All the last minute changes and "we will just do it if we can" thinking makes me NUTS.

This gets to me too! Today's young people have grown up in a way that they didn't have to plan far in advance. Most things could happen by last minute text - from "what movie should we see tonight?" to "OK, we're at MK, where are you?"

I've taken many deep breaths over that mindset as DS has gotten older and gone off with friends more. It's not that they have anything against telling me where they're going or when they'll be back, but that they really have no idea themselves.

...So if this were my kid, I would reminder her again of that point. I wouldn't force her to go, but I would definitely let her know I thought her choices were poor, and I wouldn't threaten to take away money over one bad choice. If there was a pattern of disrespect that would be a different issue with the money, but just one screw up doesn't mean I'm gonna stop supporting my kid.

I agree. I'd be disappointed, and I probably would have chimed in with free advice when she was in tears trying to decide, but I wouldn't force her to go, and I wouldn't withdrawal tuition over it. The punishment wouldn't fit the crime.

Nope. This is what I said, “In the future you can’t make plans around her schedule anymore. It’s this date and this time. If she can make it, great. If not, maybe another time. Leave the ball in her court.”

That’s the consequence not waiting for her to make up her mind, waiting for her schedule, and rearranging others schedules. Life goes on.

This is my thinking too. If you bail on plans I made around you, I won't go too far out of my way to make future plans around you. It's a trust issue.

 

[jdb in AZ]

When DD was in college we got musical theatre tickets months in advance. (She was a music major and has always loved the plays.) She got a better offer from the boy friend (now her DH) and his family, so we basically had to eat the cost of her ticket. Next time we got theatre tickets we didn't get one for her. Naturally she wanted to go with us, but so sad too bad. Lesson learned.

OP, I wouldn't totally cut her off -- find a punishment that fits the crime.

 

[clutter]

I've got a just graduated college dd. I'd be angry and sad, but like you said, why ruin your trip forcing her to go when she'd make you miserable. But.... I'd find something to throw in to the plans that would make her regret not going. (Who cares if its something that your dh and ds would hate...? As long s its something she'd hate to have missed! ) lol.

 

[mom2rtk]

Are we the same person? My DD was telling me just the other day "I'm an adult, I can do as I please." My laughing response: "adults support themselves. Until then, I've got the right to have an opinion on what you do." I also like to remind her that two days after high school graduation was the last time I "lived" with my parents and expected them to financially support me. Since then, I've paid my own way. I was an "adult" at 18. She is not. It's ridiculous to assert that you are "an adult" and can make all your decisions and (at the same time) expect Mom and Dad to pay 90+% of your bills. Does.not.compute. She is, of course, perfectly free to strike out on her own, and do as she pleases....just not on my dime.

IMO, "adulthood" is an accomplishment, not an age.

When my kids informed me that they were adults at age 18, I quickly reminded them that 18 is the age at which we wouldn't be in legal trouble if we stopped paying their way.

 

[hereyago]

I wouldn't pull the we give you money thing.

BUT: I would let her know that I wouldn't be asking when it would be "good" for her to take off again for something, because wasting my time is a no no.
And since she is an adult, she could explain to others why she won't be able to go or I would tell it for her and she wouldn't want that,lol.

 

[L&Lfan]

Bottom line as I see it, she’d rather bang her boyfriend at the beach than visit with family.

 

[Hikergirl]

I have a 19 year old daughter, &, while she's technically an adult & can make her own decisions, she's still learning how to navigate her world &, sometimes, needs assistance and/or guidance.

In the OP's situation, I'd be very disappointed w/ my DD. And, honestly, I'd be hurt as well. I understand that grown kids have their own lives & want to spend time w/ their friends & boyfriends/girlfriends. A weekend w/ the boyfriend is going to naturally be more appealing than a weekend spent visiting family. I get it. I've been there.

However, that said, I want my children to know (& feel) that family is important too. If you wouldn't back out on your friends, don't back out on family.

After she was invited, she committed to go w/ her family on this particular weekend. Before the trip was planned, the DD was consulted to see which weekend would be better. Others (her dad & her brother) adjusted their work schedules to accommodate the weekend that would work better for the DD.

Going back on the original plans because "a better offer came along" is not kind & considerate & is NOT the adult thing to do.

And this is one of those instances where a 19 year old may need guidance in learning how to navigate the decision-making process & figuring out the correct, adult choice.

EDITED TO ADD - Our DD relies on 95% of our support too. So, no, I don't yet consider her an independent, self-supporting, free to do as she pleases adult. I don't hold our support over her head, but I think she does realize that we still have some say in her life.

We dont hold our support over our dd, but we have made it clear what we are willing to support and what we are not.
This summer she was supposed to be taking a couple classes, since there was no guarantee she was going to get housing at the college she was forced to start her lease (she was moving into an apartment next semester) 3 months early. That is 3 months of rent we are paying for her that we had not planned on but were willing since she was taking classes. Those classes have been cancelled, and she could not get out of her lease. We let her know that since she will not be taking classes over the summer she will either have to find a research project to work on, volunteer in her field or get a job. It was not her fault the classes were cancelled but she is not going to use these 3 months to relax, go on summer getaways with friends, or just hang out and party or do nothing in an apartment we are paying for.
Family vacations that you are willing to go on are included in that support. I would never force her to go anywhere with us, but if she committed to it and then changed her mind there would definitely be some new ground rules.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I’ve thought about this some more. And I still think there should be ramifications for her actions. First, of any of the family ask why she isn’t there, tel them they will need to ask her. Let HER answer for her choice. Second, I don’t think you should pull all support, but I do think you should make it clear that you will think long and hard about how much you accommodate her since she doesn’t accommodate you, and that includes financial accommodations.

 

[Hikergirl]

Just wanted to say that I am not advocating the OP pull all financial support for her dd.

 

[ronandannette]

Just wanted to say that I am not advocating the OP pull all financial support for her dd.

FTR, neither am I. I wouldn't be that extreme with my own DS nor do I imagine the OP here will either. I would (and have) re-define the boundaries though by clearly communicating my expectations. When I need my DS to do something, I need it and my expectation is 100% that he will comply. Just like he needs us to provide for him right now and we don't ever let him down, regardless of how much easier, more convenient and more fun it would be for us personally if we didn't.

 

[OKW8297]

I treat my children with respect and I expect the same in return. Ingratitude doesn’t just begin occurring. We don’t want to hurt each other.

 

[tcufrog]

As an adult you CAN change your mind. Sure there can consequences of those decisions. This situation seems very controlling where it’s treating an Adult child still as a child. Why even mention the financial support. It’s setting up to be that mother in law when future spouses come into play working out the holidays.

She isn't a full adult yet. She isn't behaving like an adult and she isn't financially supporting herself. She expects adult respect without showing the responsibility and maturity that comes with being an adult.

 

[mnrose]

Just wanted to say that I am not advocating the OP pull all financial support for her dd.

Me either! But, it is definitely something I would remind my kids of should they pull a stunt like this.

 

[mnrose]

FTR, neither am I. I wouldn't be that extreme with my own DS nor do I imagine the OP here will either. I would (and have) re-define the boundaries though by clearly communicating my expectations. When I need my DS to do something, I need it and my expectation is 100% that he will comply. Just like he needs us to provide for him right now and we don't ever let him down, regardless of how much easier, more convenient and more fun it would be for us personally if we didn't.

You said it better than I did. We expect respect....and so do they. But, sometimes, it seems like they only want respect FROM us, and seem unwilling to show any in return (unless it's "convenient" for them to do so). It sure as heck ain't "convenient" for me to write tens of thousands of dollars in checks for them EVERY year for the next 3 years.