One Spouse Retired-The Other Not Yet....

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by disney junky, Jan 9, 2018.

  1. disney junky

    disney junky BWV

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    Is this a problem for any couples who have been in the situation? Resentment from the working one towards the retired one?
     
  2. lorimay

    lorimay DIS Veteran

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    I stopped working in 2011 when the bank I was at decided to pull up stakes in Florida, so its not retirement per se, but I'm a stay at home wife, mother and grandmother at this point. I help my daughter with her 2 kids since she's back to work now and my daughter in law is expecting in April, so come July/August I will be watching this new grand baby full time.
    But my husband does not resent it at all, he still helps me around the house, not like when I worked, he did a lot then.

    Every situation is different, good Luck!
     
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  4. ronandannette

    ronandannette I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!

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    I wonder about this sometimes. My DH will retire 10 years before I do, if all goes according to plan. I will have certain expectations about him taking over many of the household tasks that are currently my responsibility (even though he may not know it yet).

    We’ve had a foreshadowing of this over the years during several bouts of unemployment. It did not go well and we certainly get along better with us both working full-time. We’re still 7 years away from it so I don’t dwell too much on the distant future. Today has enough challenges if it’s own.
     
  5. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    My situation is just like ronandannette's. My husband works in the trades and he will be eligible for retirement with pension with a year or two. I will have to wait until I am about 65, so I will be working for quite some time after him (about 10 years). I certainly won't resent him (envy maybe!!) but I will also have expectations of him. Right now I do all the grocery shopping and cooking. That is totally going to change and he will LEARN to cook!! Not just opening cans. That will get rid of any resentment I could possibly have. He has also said that he might get a part time job after he retires. Biking is a hobby of his and he's good at bicycle repairs so he may go work for a few hours here and there at a local bike shop. He's also an electrician so he could do stuff as he wishes in that area.
     
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  6. morgan98

    morgan98 DIS Veteran

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    We are going through this at my home as we speak. My husband is 58 and I am 47. He retired from his big-time career (which involved international travel - gone all the time) and is currently working part time in something he is passionate about that he hopes to develop into something bigger. He may also still do some consulting (just got a call about that yesterday, as a matter of fact). The way our life played out we never had children in our marriage or from our first marriages, so we were very career focused and saved for retirement, paid off the house, etc. I have a successful career with good benefits myself. We can live off my salary and still save and he still has income (albeit a fraction of what it was).

    We have been at this now since August of 2017. I do not feel resentment. Luckily for me, my husband is very capable, competent and willing to do home chores. He is an excellent cook in his own right, does a decent job cleaning the house, has always done the yard work and is just the type of guy that cannot just sit. Therefore, I get my lunch packed, errands run and basically the house taken care of. I almost feel like a princess...lol!

    I also do no think I will feel resentment as I am fiercely independent and know that for now I need to work. However, he is most definitely planning for my early retirement as well.

    I think he has struggled with it more than I have as he is used to a job with a lot of travel, responsibility and is used to having his own income and contributing in that way. I think that emotional part for his has been a bit harder than he anticipated, so he is dealing with that. Having something else to focus on that still involves working outside the home has helped with that.

    He is still struggling with getting himself on a house cleaning, chore schedule that he is happy with. I still do most of the grocery shopping (because I like too) and the laundry.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2018
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  7. Gumbo4x4

    Gumbo4x4 Note to the ladies who forgot to

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    I’m 5 years older than DW, but we plan to retire around the same time. She has a pension coming whereas I will be more dependent on SSN, so it just makes sense for me to work to a higher age.

    My father in law also worked much later in life than MIL. But, they have a much larger gap in their age, so there were several years where she worked & he was “retired” (he also farmed on the side, so that became his full-time gig). MIL definitely struggled with that, but she’s petty by nature, so.....
     
  8. Nancyg56

    Nancyg56 DIS Veteran

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    My DH retired in August. We always have maintained specific roles in ur home, and while I was home I maintained all of the indoor tasks, as well as the gardens that I had. DH worked and did all outdoor work. Now he is home and we have continued in much the same way. I do not resent that he is not cleaning or cooking. I am pretty territorial in those areas. He makes sure there are no dishes in the sink. He empties the dishwasher, keeps the house picked up.

    I know that our arrangement would not work for some folks, but so far we are okay with it.
     
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  9. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    That's really all that matters. I'm going to *make* my DH cook because I hate the drudgery of it all and the years of doing it. Granted, he's solely taken care of all the outside stuff, half the laundry, and other things. But I am so tired of having to come home every day and fix dinner. And plan dinner. I just *hate* it.
     
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  10. Queen of the WDW Scene

    Queen of the WDW Scene DIS Veteran

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    My dad retired 8yrs before my mom.
    They were offering him 82% of his pay plus the healthcare.
    He would have been working for pennies if he hadn't taken the opportunity.
    He's always been an active person so never was he just hanging around the house all day when my mom was still working as an RN.
    He has 4 houses and a farm so he kept plenty busy without the job and still does.
    My mom is not the type of person to have resentment.
    She's now been retired for 10yrs herself.
    They are in their early 70's and have something to do and somewhere to go all the time.
    My mom is definitely the one though that would lounge in her pj's all day if there is nothing to do lol.
     
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  11. Nancyg56

    Nancyg56 DIS Veteran

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    We actually are not doing well with dinner lately. My DH was used to eating lunch around the same time each day on his break at work. Now he is not working so he is having a tough time with a lunch routine. I am all over the place at work as well, so when I get home, he is usually not hungry. He snacked on chips, or ate late, and so we tend to eat out of the fridge. It is a circle, because then I do not have leftovers for lunch, and on and on.

    DH is not opposed to helping in the kitchen, it is me who is struggling. I have decided to try a real meal plan, which I always used before, and see how that goes.

    DH also would do laundry, but I am wicked picky about my wash. You see the problem? It is not him......it's me. LOL!
     
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  12. kaytieeldr

    kaytieeldr Post hoc, ergo propter hoc

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    Your Social Security number isn't going to go very far. You'll need Social Security payments :D
    E
    Rachael Ray has, or had, a show on Food Network Sunday mornings where she cooked for an entire week at a time.
     
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  13. Deb & Bill

    Deb & Bill DVC-Trivia Contest, Apr-2006: Honorable Mention

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    I retired in Jan 2013 and Bill retired in Aug 2015. We only have one car, so I drove him to work every day (about a five mile trip) and picked him up as well. We had worked together at the same location for about 22 years before I retired. I did like having my alone time at home during the day and I didn't have to do all the laundry on weekends. So we got to have more fun at home and doing things away from home. I even made nice dinners a couple of times a week (he still liked grilling outside).
     
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  14. lovesmurfs

    lovesmurfs DIS Veteran

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    DH is almost 12 years older than I am - he's almost 62. He didn't so much retire as got downsized from his tenure-track university position and hasn't been able to get another position. He does substitute teach and teaches private music lessons, and gets retirement from the military (National Guard).

    I figure I've got another 20 years of work ahead of me. I have a 2-hour commute each way, each day. I take the 4:55 a.m. train and get home at 6 p.m. every day. But my income is amazing and I like my job.

    He keeps in shape (bicycles) and keeps up with the kitchen and laundry, although I make a majority of the dinners. It works well for us.

    This past summer we started testing out the meal plans that include all of the ingredients -- Blue Apron, Plated, etc. There are a huge number of them, and the first trial week is generally 50% off. We've settled on Sun Basket (and HelloFresh). It's convenient and gives him an opportunity to make a meal or two a week with ingredients we wouldn't normally think of using.
     
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  15. Nancyg56

    Nancyg56 DIS Veteran

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    I will check it out. I am good at making food on the weekend that will give us leftovers for a few days, but I have to plan better.
     
  16. DVC-Don

    DVC-Don DIS Veteran

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    I've been retired for four years now and spend most of my winter in Florida. My wife owns her own business in New York and flies down for a week or two now and then. When we are in the same place I do all the grocery shopping and laundry and most of the cleaning. She's a better cleaner according to her.

    Edited to add: I do almost all the cooking when we are together, but then again I did almost all the cooking before I retired. I take after my dad in the cooking department.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2018
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  17. mousefan73

    mousefan73 DIS Veteran

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    DH retired a year ago at 55. Took the package and pension cut. I‘m 44 and upped my hours to almost full-time ( professional job) so we are about even again. No resentment as he does a lot of house stuff and taxis kids. 12 and 13. helps more with math etc. only thing is he could do some more housework. Though I can‘t complain. I just get annoyed having him home all the time. I work from home and miss having the house to myself. So he now does shopping and errands. Worse are only comments from others. We live in a small town. Jealously as he is at home with a great pension ( people know this as his employer is known for that) . While others need to work 20 more years and will get less.
     
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  18. mousefan73

    mousefan73 DIS Veteran

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    Sounds like us! DH 12 yrs older. I work snd commute 2.5 hrs each way when I go in. Mostly Home office thank God. And kitchen laundry is his thing!
     
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  19. tvguy

    tvguy Question anything the facts don't support.

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    My wife and I are 4 months apart in age, so our hope is to retire at the same time at age 62 1/2 for my wife and almost age 63 for me. However, our financial planner sensed correctly that I may not be mentally ready to retire just to help have money coming in and more importantly Health Insurance until we qualify for Medicare. He says it is very common for one spouse to retire before the other and usually it is the wife among his clients. I don't anticipate any issues. There is no question when factoring in what she does at home, my wife deserves to retire earlier.
     
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  20. Nohal

    Nohal DIS Veteran

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    DH has been retired for a year and I still work. I work part time 4 days a week for a total of 20 hours. It was a bit of an adjustment in the beginning. I laid down the law that he couldn't sit on my side of the sofa till I left for work:rotfl:. I am not resentful at all as DH had an over 1 1/2 hr commute in traffic back and forth to work in all kinds of traffic and weather. He does a few extra things around the house but wash and cooking is still on me.
     
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  21. dish rag

    dish rag DIS Veteran

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    I don't understand how this could cause resentment.
     

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