One Spouse Retired-The Other Not Yet....

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by disney junky, Jan 9, 2018.

  1. Pugsly

    Pugsly DIS Veteran

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    I retired a year ago and DH plans to retire at the end of this year. I don’t think he’s resentful. He just wants me to stay busy and not get bored and then depressed.

    He loves that I have time to enjoy doing things for myself, that he no longer has to listen to me gripe about my job, and that I’ve been experimenting in the kitchen since I have the time.

    It’s going to be interesting come January 1st. ;)
     
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  2. bethy

    bethy DIS Veteran

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    I've been "retired" since my first child was born 17 years ago. We don't plan for me to work outside the home for pay but you never know - life can change.

    Anyway, as far as the resentment issue goes - I just find that for our marriage we are both happiest when the other person is happy. So if I'm happy with what I accomplish (or don't) at home during the day then DH is genuinely happy. And vice versa. Basically we both do the best we can on any given day and presume the other is doing the best *they* can. But we are two different individuals and circumstances change over a lifetime.

    It's so much more peaceful this way rather than keeping tabs and spending a bunch of time focusing on what the other person is or isn't doing . . .
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2018
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  4. Nancyg56

    Nancyg56 DIS Veteran

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    It could easily cause resentment. WHen one person is working all day, and the other is home, does not need to get out of bed, has plenty of spare time, it can cause a strain. If you add that there may be a disparity in chores, then the frustration can escalate. Not everyone adjusts to this kind of change.
     
  5. Nancyg56

    Nancyg56 DIS Veteran

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    When I was home my DH did not care what got done in the house, would happily eat a sandwich for dinner, and thought that life was awesome. He encouraged me to enjoy the time I had with my DGD, thought I should nap when she did. Like your DH, mine wanted nothing more than for me to enjoy being home with her.

    I chose to go back to school and then back to work. DH prefered to have me home, but he supports that I want to work for now. It is probably better that I am out while he figures out how to adjust to not working the long days he had always put in.
     
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  6. mom2rtk

    mom2rtk Bring Back MARIE!

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    If the spouse who retired expected the working spouse to still come home and make dinner and do the dishes, yeah, I can see a lot of resentment building.
     
  7. Gumbo4x4

    Gumbo4x4 Note to the ladies who forgot to

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    Yeah, I think a lot of times you have one spouse who puts in the lion's share of work OUTSIDE the home - whether it's long hours, travel, long commutes, whatever. So, the other spouse takes on the lion's share of chores at home. That's fine until spouse 1 gives up that long commute for retirement, but doesn't pick up the slack around the house.

    And that situation can be amplified by both spouses. The one used to not doing chores struggles to get into that routine, and the other struggles to adjust to (a) giving up that control and (b) the other spouse's methods.
     
  8. dish rag

    dish rag DIS Veteran

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    I didn't take that to be what the op was wondering. It was very unclear to me. I took it as working vs not working.
     
  9. smiths02

    smiths02 DIS Veteran

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    DH and I will be at this point in 20 years or so. He will have to retire (mandatory) in 2036. He doesn't have to wait until then (pension wise), but I am hoping that he does because that will get our twins through college.
    Because I worked part-time for two years, and because I have to do 30 years to get full retirement, I won't be able to retire until 2041 or so. I'm hoping DH finds some part-time consulting or something job to keep him busy for those 5 years or so.
     
  10. Nancyg56

    Nancyg56 DIS Veteran

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    I think that there can be a variety of concerns that partners experience when one is home while the other is working. If, and of course I am not insinuating that the OP was suggesting this, there is no shift in the level of work that the working partner bears, while the other is home, there can be resentment.

    My brother has retired and yes, he keeps up all the outdoor chores he always did. He is not so productive in the house though, and I think that my sister in law has some resentment towards him. I know his daughter does. She knows her mom is tired, and when she is home for a visit she sees why. I always tell her that this is not her business, and is between Mom and Dad, but I know that there is a basis for her concerns.
     
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  11. morgan98

    morgan98 DIS Veteran

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    I will say there are many changes involved with retirement. I am generally out of the house from 6:30am to 7:30pm every day. My husband used to generally be gone four nights a week. It is definitely a change in having him home during the week. I like the change, as I like the company for dinner and having a meal cooked instead of leftover or throwing something together when I got home.

    I am sure finances also come into play. If the retirement is causing a stress on $$$ there is also plenty of room for resentment I would think.
     
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  12. RangerPooh

    RangerPooh DIS Veteran

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    This use to bug my grandmother as my grandfather had too much time on his hands. He would still obsess over the yard, so that kept him busy to an extent, but she'd try to find things for him to do, like taking cooking classes and such.

    A teacher who I student taught under retired as did her husband at around the same time, and within 6 months she started subbing again. She needed something to break up all the time they had together.
     
  13. PigletsPal2

    PigletsPal2 Queen of the Realm

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    DH retired in 1997 at age 56 from the Foreign Service with 35 years federal service counting his military time. Since he could only collect 70% of his high three salary as his retirement income, it didn't make sense for him to work any longer. Because I had 15 years in the private sector under Social Security before I joined the Foreign Service in 1979, I had to work until I had at least 20 years and be at least 56 years old before I could retire with any federal retirement income.

    We were assigned overseas when DH retired, and we decided that I would try to stay overseas until I retired. We were fortunate in that I was able to get two more assignments before I could retire in 2003 at age 56 with 24 years service.

    The downside to all this planning is that being overseas, we had domestic staff, and DH never had to do any housework, cooking, laundry, etc. while I worked So he never really learned how to do any of this. And with staff, I didn't HAVE to do it, and I got extremely lazy.

    We had a rude awakening when we came home, and there was no Denise or Tika or Banang to take care of us. So we made a list of all the household chores that needed to be done regularly and took turns selecting which ones we hated to do least. I hate to clean bathrooms, so DH did them. DH hasn't a clue about meal planning and cooking, so I did that. We came up with a pretty even list, with neither of us feeling that we were pulling more than our share.

    Our DDs moved down here in 2005 and lived with us for five months until they found jobs and moved out on their own. In lieu of paying rent, they took over most of the household chores. In 2009 DH and I both had health issues which left us unable to do many of the necessary tasks, so DDs once again took over (they live three blocks from us). We've improved somewhat, but DDs still insist on doing most of our housework. We keep our own bedroom and bathroom clean, do our own laundry, and DH loads and I unload the dishwasher. One DD loves to grocery shop and the other loves to cook.

    And once again, we've become the laziest couple in the county. So long answer to your short question, it hasn't been a problem.

    Queen Colleen
     
  14. CdnCarrie

    CdnCarrie DIS Veteran

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    Mandatory retirement? Is that legal? I know it's not legal here.
     
  15. Pacolovestacos

    Pacolovestacos DIS Veteran

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    My dad retired about 4 years ago and the issue there is he has no hobbies. So except for when he goes to the gym, he's literally in the house 24-7. My mom has a big issue with that as she still is the one that does the cooking, the cleaning, etc. So she complains to me (not sure why because I don't really have a solution) that he is just pacing around the house because he's bored while she's cooking, cleaning, vacuuming, etc. I could see how that would be incredibly annoying.
     
  16. OrangeBirdGirl

    OrangeBirdGirl DIS Veteran

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    In the past I wondered about resentment of DH being a man of leisure while I was still working. He is 2 years older then me and at our projected retirement ages he would be retired 2 years before me. However, he was off work for 3 months a few years back and it was nice having him home. He works in trades and if they have any injury they don't do light duty, you are completely off work. For those 3 months I barely did anything around the house or any errands it was pretty nice.
    DH also goes out of town a lot with not much notice (maybe a couple days notice). Even though I enjoy my alone time, him going out of town on such short notice puts a damper into our plans and it would be nice to not have to worry about that anymore when his retirement comes.
     
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  17. powellrj

    powellrj DIS Veteran

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    This is our life right now. I am retired and dh isn’t and he resents it.
     
  18. McKelly

    McKelly DIS Veteran

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    I would resent it if my DH was retired and I was still working and he didn't do more to help. I went back to work full time three years ago and I still do all the stuff I did when I was part time and work 40+ hours. My DH has not picked up any extra chores around the house to help. I resent THAT! But at least he's still working 40+ hours.
     
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  19. SC Minnie

    SC Minnie <font color=purple>Are we there yet???<br><font co

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    DH retired a couple of years ago not by choice. He does 75% of the household and yard work and cooks dinner most nights. I've had to learn to keep my mouth shut about HOW he does these things since our standards and ways of doing them are different. After about 2 years he did end up getting a part time job which at times is over 30 hours/week but other times is less than 15.

    I work a full time job- sometimes 50 hrs/week- plus a part time job- usually less than 20 hrs/week. The part time job is teaching knit/crochet and working at a craft store which gives me a good discount on my yarn so there is a reason I chose this.

    I must admit there are times that I am resentful when I come home after working both jobs and the house isn't clean or something isn't done or he doesn't 'know how' to do something (like ironing) so leaves that for me.
     
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  20. smiths02

    smiths02 DIS Veteran

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    There are many occupations here that have mandatory retirement....air traffic controllers, pilots, federal law enforcement, military, park rangers, etc.
    "Typically, mandatory retirement is justified by the argument that certain occupations are either too dangerous (military personnel) or require high levels of physical and mental skill"
    The benefits are such that a good pension is earned after 20 years (plus his job also matches some of his retirement contribution and he doesn't have the normal penalties for pulling from his retirement accounts between 57-62 or whatever the normal time is)...so mandatory retirement is at 57 for DH, but they also don't hire anyone older than 37 so that anyone hired can reach full pension [And there are exceptions to the rule...and you can be put in some other kind of position at 57...maybe training or something?]
     
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  21. texaslover

    texaslover Mouseketeer

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    I have a similar situation but not from retirement and I do have some resentment from time to time. I work full time (usually 50 hours or so) and DH owns a small business and works from home. I helped get the business started both financially and through assisting with accounting, marketing, etc. Now I get up at 5:30 while he is still sleeping and when I get home at 5 or so he is already in his robe many days. He does outside work such as mowing the lawn and picking up dog poop. I do pretty much everything else (cleaning, cooking, dishes, errands).

    There are times when I go to the computer and notice he's watching 4 hours of Netflix or he mentions having lunch and beers with a friend that I feel resentment. Especially if it's right after I've come home, cooked dinner, and cleaned up the kitchen :). It also doesn't help that we struggle a bit financially and it's hard not to think that we could have some extra money if he would have been working all day. So I can see how a non-retired spouse would be resentful, especially if they do the bulk of the chores or there are money issues.
     
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