My mother is 93. She's lived with us in an in-law apt for 25 yrs. For most of that time she's been pretty independent. But the past few years have gotten tough as she's lost her mobility and a lot of her independence. I've increasingly had to take on a larger role in helping her, which I never really minded. We help eachother out. She was there when my kids were born and growing up, and we're there for her now. She drove until 88, but after that I had to help her with shopping or shop for her, take her to medical appts and hairdressers, etc. She used to get rides from the senior center but one wintry day she got out of the car and slipped and fell right on the ice; after that she only wanted us to take her. She had always resisted using a cane or walker which made things difficult for me. She had a lot of falls because of it, but I couldn't force her to use it - she would walk on her own regardless since I couldn't be there 100% of the time. By the time she finally said she'd use the cane, I told her she was way past that and now needed a walker because she had become unsteady. So she's used the walker out of necessity for a few years, but is now completely dependent on it. If she doesn't have a walker, she can't walk. But with one, she does ok, usually. She definitely overestimates her abilities, though! And is stubborn as a mule! Lol. Sometimes we clash ideas but she knows she really needs to do what I say, for safety and such. I am a nurse so she knows I know what I'm talking about. (And she herself took care of patients for many years, so she knows.) Between me and my daughter, who is in nursing school, she pretty much has two private duty nurses here. If that were not the case, she would definitely need to be in a skilled care facility. People tell her all the time how fortunate she is to still be in her own home with so much loving help, but I don't know if she really appreciates that. She does appreciate our help, but she thinks that there are millions of people in their 90s out dancing and jumping out of airplanes, and doesn't seem to believe that there are actually very few in their 90s who are doing such things. Most, if they make it that far, have memory, health and mobility issues, for sure. But she is really cute in her own way most of the time. She had a tough life so I'm glad to be able to help her out.
About a year ago, she was diagnosed with cancer. Because she is super healthy and of sound mind, she had surgery to remove the cancer, which she wanted to do, and even had a few doses of radiation as sort of an insurance policy. The doctors seemed to think that would be the end of it. Recovery was slow, but uncomplicated, so things were looking good. Until this past fall, when she started to show some signs of distal disease, and a biopsy was done. That came back as metastatic cancer, unfortunately. So it had spread. She was devastated, because she expected to keep going for a good, long time. Two days after she got that news, she broke her hip just from sitting down too forcefully. She couldn't believe it. (Despite my having many conversations with her about how from an evolution standpoint, bodies just weren't meant to live into, let alone past, the 90s, and eventually things begin to deteriorate, whether it's bones, cells, the brain, or whatever.) They told her she would not walk again if she didn't have the hip repaired. So she wanted to go forward with that. (No cancer in the bone, just osteoporosis.) Omg, what a nightmare that was! From a hip standpoint, she did great. But just from the pain and the medications she had delerium pretty bad in the hospital and I basically had to stay there with her for a week. The one time I went home for a shower and to change clothes she began screaming for me and saying they were trying to kill her there, etc., so I rushed back. She was in so much pain they basically couldn't touch or move her. It was a catch 22 because giving her pain meds made her loopy. Awful week. From there she went to rehab and that was a nightmare, as well. Again, from a hip perspective, she did great. But she came home after five weeks with not one, but two raging infections, and we had to battle those here at home. Fortunately she had a great visiting nurse and our primary team and other doctors involved in her care worked with me. But I thought we were going to lose her, and she even told me she felt like she was dying. She knew it. But she battled and we made it through.
Because we had only just gotten word about the cancer metastasis two days before the hip fracture, a further work up had been delayed by six or seven weeks. (And we also had a delay on the diagnosis itself, based on an original misdiagnosis.) So when she finally had a PET scan late winter, we learned her cancer had spread quite a bit. Her oncology team has been able to offer her a medication to slow the cancer. It's not chemo, but something else. And it seems to be working. But unfortunately sometimes it makes her legs weak and she's had a couple of recent falls. I've had to take her walker away when that happens if we can't be right there with her, and she does not like it one bit. And I've had to use a baby monitor at night to see if she's getting up by herself (which she does) and I have to go running down there! But mostly she's still ok walking and I try to get her out of the house as often as I can. We took her to FL in March and she was really happy to go, she'd been really looking forward to it. But I can see her getting more and more frail. We've had lots of discussions about end of life. She's aware, and to a degree, accepting, but she still wants to keep going, so I'm trying to support that as long as it's realistic. At some point we will likely have to set up hospice services. I've pretty much been doing most of this on my own, with my daughter and husband's help. I am pretty exhausted as I work and help run a household and am still active with my kids, etc. But I feel priveledged to be able to do it for her, and we do still have many good times together with lots of laughs. There are days, though, that I feel pretty deflated and overwhelmed. We really can't leave her alone anymore and she is scared alone at night so if we're out at night we have to either hire someone to stay in the house, or take her with us. I know everyone says take care of yourself, but it has been challenging to do so for me right now.
So I can relate to a lot of your stories! It's nice to know that there are others out there, too, going through such difficult things with their parents.
to all.
She finally remembered she had the necklace and did press the button and help came right away. They weren't sure if she had the stroke and that's why she fell, or if she had the stroke after she fell. She spent several days in the hospital, then was released to a local nursing home for rehabilitation.
