Parents of the High School Class of 2017/College 2021

Has anyone else had issues with their college kid not respecting the rules of your house? We don't have a lot of rules for the college kids. Once they hit college, there is no more curfew. Our rules are about honesty and courtesy. Don't lie to mom and dad about what you are doing and check in with us via text if you are going to be home super late or spend the night at a friend's house. DS21 has no issues with this. He tells us he's going to X's house. We'll get a text later saying I'll be home around 2:00 AM, or we left X's and went to Y's, or I had a few beers and am sleeping over at X's house - all of which are totally fine with us (even when he was just 18). He knows we'll worry if we wake up at 4:00 AM and he's not home, so he checks in. Common courtesy.

DD19 won't do it, and it's been a constant source of fighting this summer. She has left the house saying she's going to X's house, and then we hear nothing from her for 24-36 hours. Once time we tried texting her for several hours; she didn't respond. At that point we started calling her friends parents to make sure she was not hurt/kidnapped. The mom said she'd been at her house for two days with some other girls, and they were all currently asleep, so that's why she didn't text us back. How hard is it to shoot your parents a text to make sure they don't worry???? Last night she got home after being out for 30 hours. I finally texted her yesterday at mid day, she did text back that she'd be home soon. She came home at 1:00 AM. I was peeved at that point. All we ask is for a text. She just won't do it.

I wouldn't be so worried about all of this, but she's also been lying to us about where she goes and what she does. She accidentally outs herself and gets caught in the lie, otherwise we'd believe whatever she tells us. She also lied to her bosses at both her jobs on 4th of July. She told both places she was scheduled to work that she had a fever, so she could get out of work and party with her friends at the beach. She got caught in that lie by one of her bosses. So now he rarely puts her on the schedule. She went from working there 3 days a week to 1 day a week if that. I can't blame him either. I'd have done the same thing. With so little work, she's got even more time on her hand, which is not a good thing.

We only know 2 of her girlfriends and 1 of her guys friends that she's been hanging out with this summer. She won't let us meet them. It's not the same group she hung out with in HS, and some of them are not the best influence and don't have good home lives. She has them over to our house only when we are not here. Apparently that's what they do - congregate at whichever house has no parents at home. But the worst thing is that she's made some very risky decisions that could have had serious consequences for her future (NOT drinking/driving related thank goodness, I'm not going to share what they are). She didn't get caught in any of these (this time), so she thinks it's no big deal. DH said last month that he's really worried she's going to get hurt or get in trouble and ruin her life. I can't blame it all on her friends because she is the one making the choices, but I know they are encouraging her to choose badly. Part of the reason she's been lying is because she KNOWS we would not like what she's doing because it's risky, but she wants to do it anyway.

We've grounded her twice (for a combined total of 5 days) for the lying. Lying is not tolerated in our house. She claims she is an adult, and it is totally wrong to ground her. And she's been completely disrespectful about it. She may be 19, but she is totally dependent on us for everything - food, shelter, medical, phone, car, insurance, education. We told her that she can do whatever she wants, when she wants, with whom she wants when she is fully in charge of her own life. She says we are over the top; all her friends think so; none of their parents try to still parent or have rules for their 19 year old kids. I find that hard to believe.

DH and I think it might be better for her to stay up at school and get a job there next summer. She would be surrounded by more motivated kids on campus. But we'll see. Thanks for letting me vent.

Very sorry that you are going through this. The summer between Freshman and sophomore year is the toughest in my opinion. They've been used to living on their own, coming and going as they please, and answering to no one for months now. Then they come home and mom and dad are back in the daily picture. My kids at that age had complete freedom when they returned home except for basically what you are requiring. Although I never expected them to keep me updated on location and who they were with after high school. Just let me know if you'll be around for dinner so that I don't waste time cooking for people who will be out and most of all- let me know when or if you will be home. As you said, I consider this common courtesy. I worry as it gets late. This period is also difficult because we as parents have become used to peace and quiet and not seeing and worrying about what they are up to day in and day out.

I agree with your DD that grounding at this point is inappropriate. She's an adult and it seems to demean her. I agree with the statement that "our love is unconditional but our money is not." I would sit her down and tell her that the next time she doesn't check in as you expect, her car will be impounded as soon as you track her down. Or heck, take the keys today, as soon as she shows up. She's certainly had plenty of warning. I'd also take her phone and replace it with a cheap- texting/calling flip phone if those are still available for purchase. I wouldn't want her out and about without a way to communicate but there is no reason to pay for an expensive phone. Anything else that you pay for that could be taken away would be.

I would also address the dangerous behavior and let her know that a continuation of that behavior would have the same consequences. "I love you but will not financially support poor choices."

Am I remembering that your DD also got into a scrape at school last year? With that in mind and the summer you are having, I also would encourage seeking some counseling for her. Some kids transition easily to adulthood and others need some help. If I'm mistaking you- please forgive me.

This period was the last that DD22 moved home. Sophomore year and on, she was in an apartment so she stayed in her college town where jobs and internships were plentiful. It worked well. We visited a lot back and forth- met up for vacation, she had me come and stay with her for a week at her apartment, etc... But she was able to maintain her day in and day out of living as an adult.

Good luck- parenting is difficult!
 
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I agree with your DD that grounding at this point is inappropriate. She's an adult and it seems to demean her. I agree with the statement that "our love is unconditional but our money is not." I would sit her down and tell her that the next time she doesn't check in as you expect, her car will be impounded as soon as you track her down. Or heck, take the keys as soon as she shows up. She's certainly had plenty of warning. I'd also take her phone and replace it with a cheap- texting/calling flip phone if those are still available for purchase. I wouldn't want her out and about without a way to communicate but there is no reason to pay for an expensive phone. Anything else that you pay for that could be taken away would be.
I don't want to get into a big discussion about parenting, but I think that the other punishments suggested are just as demeaning as grounding. They are all the kind of things used for teens in high school and they are bound to push an already non compliant adult child further away. I say this as a parent whose child never responded to the parenting models over the years that have had the "DIS seal of approval".
 
Has anyone else had issues with their college kid not respecting the rules of your house? We don't have a lot of rules for the college kids. Once they hit college, there is no more curfew. Our rules are about honesty and courtesy. Don't lie to mom and dad about what you are doing and check in with us via text if you are going to be home super late or spend the night at a friend's house. DS21 has no issues with this. He tells us he's going to X's house. We'll get a text later saying I'll be home around 2:00 AM, or we left X's and went to Y's, or I had a few beers and am sleeping over at X's house - all of which are totally fine with us (even when he was just 18). He knows we'll worry if we wake up at 4:00 AM and he's not home, so he checks in. Common courtesy.


DH and I think it might be better for her to stay up at school and get a job there next summer. She would be surrounded by more motivated kids on campus. But we'll see. Thanks for letting me vent.
Wow, this is a tough one.

I laugh at the memory following DS's first summer home from college. I started looking at my watch in late June asking when school started and that is when it was determined that year round housing was a better option than a dorm with the lengthy breaks. We found that we developed new routines and so did DS, his reappearance in our household was disruptive. He was used to a completely different schedule and lifestyle. This created waves, not difficulties or stress just waves of irritation.

My DS was not disrespectful like your DD - I am truly unclear what I would do. Its easy to spout off lots of consequences but not so easy to actually have to deliver them. I am sorry your DD is disrespectful towards you, that is just not right and its so hard when they just can't see past themselves.
 
I don't want to get into a big discussion about parenting, but I think that the other punishments suggested are just as demeaning as grounding. They are all the kind of things used for teens in high school and they are bound to push an already non compliant adult child further away. I say this as a parent whose child never responded to the parenting models over the years that have had the "DIS seal of approval".

So what would you do in the situation given?

I see my suggestions as different because she still has freedom but I'm not paying for poor choices. She can still have a friend pick her up and go on her merry way.
 


Has anyone else had issues with their college kid not respecting the rules of your house? We don't have a lot of rules for the college kids. Once they hit college, there is no more curfew. Our rules are about honesty and courtesy. Don't lie to mom and dad about what you are doing and check in with us via text if you are going to be home super late or spend the night at a friend's house. DS21 has no issues with this. He tells us he's going to X's house. We'll get a text later saying I'll be home around 2:00 AM, or we left X's and went to Y's, or I had a few beers and am sleeping over at X's house - all of which are totally fine with us (even when he was just 18). He knows we'll worry if we wake up at 4:00 AM and he's not home, so he checks in. Common courtesy.

DD19 won't do it, and it's been a constant source of fighting this summer. She has left the house saying she's going to X's house, and then we hear nothing from her for 24-36 hours. Once time we tried texting her for several hours; she didn't respond. At that point we started calling her friends parents to make sure she was not hurt/kidnapped. The mom said she'd been at her house for two days with some other girls, and they were all currently asleep, so that's why she didn't text us back. How hard is it to shoot your parents a text to make sure they don't worry???? Last night she got home after being out for 30 hours. I finally texted her yesterday at mid day, she did text back that she'd be home soon. She came home at 1:00 AM. I was peeved at that point. All we ask is for a text. She just won't do it.

I wouldn't be so worried about all of this, but she's also been lying to us about where she goes and what she does. She accidentally outs herself and gets caught in the lie, otherwise we'd believe whatever she tells us. She also lied to her bosses at both her jobs on 4th of July. She told both places she was scheduled to work that she had a fever, so she could get out of work and party with her friends at the beach. She got caught in that lie by one of her bosses. So now he rarely puts her on the schedule. She went from working there 3 days a week to 1 day a week if that. I can't blame him either. I'd have done the same thing. With so little work, she's got even more time on her hand, which is not a good thing.

We only know 2 of her girlfriends and 1 of her guys friends that she's been hanging out with this summer. She won't let us meet them. It's not the same group she hung out with in HS, and some of them are not the best influence and don't have good home lives. She has them over to our house only when we are not here. Apparently that's what they do - congregate at whichever house has no parents at home. But the worst thing is that she's made some very risky decisions that could have had serious consequences for her future (NOT drinking/driving related thank goodness, I'm not going to share what they are). She didn't get caught in any of these (this time), so she thinks it's no big deal. DH said last month that he's really worried she's going to get hurt or get in trouble and ruin her life. I can't blame it all on her friends because she is the one making the choices, but I know they are encouraging her to choose badly. Part of the reason she's been lying is because she KNOWS we would not like what she's doing because it's risky, but she wants to do it anyway.

We've grounded her twice (for a combined total of 5 days) for the lying. Lying is not tolerated in our house. She claims she is an adult, and it is totally wrong to ground her. And she's been completely disrespectful about it. She may be 19, but she is totally dependent on us for everything - food, shelter, medical, phone, car, insurance, education. We told her that she can do whatever she wants, when she wants, with whom she wants when she is fully in charge of her own life. She says we are over the top; all her friends think so; none of their parents try to still parent or have rules for their 19 year old kids. I find that hard to believe.

DH and I think it might be better for her to stay up at school and get a job there next summer. She would be surrounded by more motivated kids on campus. But we'll see. Thanks for letting me vent.

Wow, I'm really sorry you're going through this. My daughter is such a rule follower that we don't have issues like this with her.

Just a suggestion, but maybe position it as being respectful of those you live with rather than about parenting. You'd expect the same courtesy of your husband if he were going to be gone for awhile. I imagine not hearing from him for 24 hours would cause you to start making phone calls.

Good luck .
 
Wow, I'm really sorry you're going through this. My daughter is such a rule follower that we don't have issues like this with her.

Just a suggestion, but maybe position it as being respectful of those you live with rather than about parenting. You'd expect the same courtesy of your husband if he were going to be gone for awhile. I imagine not hearing from him for 24 hours would cause you to start making phone calls.

Good luck .

That is exactly how I put it to my young adults. If dad or I are expected home and something is making us run late, we let the other know. Not because anyone is controlling but just because it's courteous.
 
DD has shared a kitchen with 3 others the past year. Microwave was included. They have two refrigerators so they share those two by two, and they each have a section of the pantry and the cupboards. They all get along and are nice, but two have been more distant while DD and the other one have become BFFs. Generally DD uses just her own dishes/pans/silverware etc. They share her toaster and she brought a crockpot for everyone but I'm not sure it's ever been used. Someone else brought a toaster oven to share but DD has never tried it. They share condiments and cooking oil type stuff- things that would be silly to have 4 bottles of. Sometimes they cook a meal all together or DD will offer pieces of her frozen pizza but for the most part they each do their own food.
The girls all getting along and respecting each other will make a big difference on how the arraignments go. My Dd will be ok as long as everyone chips in but there are people who don't want to but expect to use everyone else's stuff. She had an issue with her bath mates last year, well atleast one. All were suppose to cheap in toilet paper and each had a space for their bathroom stuff. Well they always had guest and wouldn't chip in toilet paper for their extra guest. When they did it was 1 ply cheap paper and dd had the good stuff. They would place their things in DD and her room mates spot. use their hand soap even after they got into it about using DD and her room mates sink like spitting and not rinising after which they should have been using their own sink. Their trash can would be full and they wouldn't empty it out so they would throw trash in DD's side. I guess oneday they left a pos-it on DD's/her room mate side about the mess in the sink needs to be cleaned up and about the trash. The RA walked in and noticed it and he told dd oh no this is not ok , that's very rude of them and I'm going to get down to the bottom of it. The RA pulled them all in and found out the other two girls had been mean girls even causing DD's roomie to moveout. After that DD (she's quiet and doesn't like drama) just cut all ties with the girls and said they were rude and she was done. So they would ask where her roll of toilet paper was she told them, she's nolonger sharing and will use her own. The other girls would have napkins from the cafeteria. It all was because one of the girls that moved in late was the one with the drama. It only takes one-lol!
My DS was in an apartment a couple of years ago and will be in a house this year. I tried to get him to coordinate with the other boys about kitchen, cleaning, and bathroom stuff (trashcan, shower curtain, etc). He just wouldn't do it. Finally I asked him to get the moms' email addresses from the boys, and I sent out an email. We all chimed in with what we had on hand or were willing to buy. I already had silverware, a set of corelle dishes, a set of pyrex and a cookie sheet, along with some other stuff. Once everyone chimed in, the kitchen was fully stocked (including paper towels, TP, dish soap, windex, stuff like that). The boys shared all the kitchen stuff with no problems. They all did their own grocery shopping and cooking. But they'd all pitch in for staples like milk, cooking oil. One boy would buy it, and they'd all give him some cash. For the electric bill, one mom opened the account. We all gave her $500 at the beginning of the year. She paid the bill each month and gave us back any extra money at the end of the lease.

DD is in an apartment this year. She and her roommates did a spread sheet of who was bringing what kitchen stuff all on their own. She just called me to see what kitchen stuff I'd already picked up for her and put it on the list. I started scouring the Goodwill and other thrift stores for kitchen stuff for both kids when DS got his apartment. She has silverware, a corelle dish set, corningware bakeware, pots and pans, and some other stuff. Her apartment has more utility bills than DS's did. Each girl will be in charge of a utility bill (setting up the account, paying the bill, collecting the money). I hope the bills get paid on time!!!
Luckily all utilities are included unless they get cable and phone line I believe. I'm planning on giving DD and allowance for her food and planning on buying her a pan , small pot, simple dish set for her. I wanted to get her an small air fryer but she said to wait. She wants to see how the girls are first. I know she's ok with sharing certain things and some things she just wont share. Her room mate shes sharing a room with said her and her roomie from last year would share make up brushes. DD told her she's doesn't share those items-lol! I don't blame her-lol! They are different sizes so DD doesn't have to worry about clothes being borrowed hahahaha!
My son will be in a 4 bedroom apartment this year. He knows the name of one roommate but that's it. They have had contact info for each other for at least 2/3 weeks. The apt. complex will be sending contact info about the other two boys by the end of the month. The kitchen has a fridge/stove/microwave/dishwasher but they will need to (hopefully) coordinate everything else. There are two bathrooms so that also needs to be coordinated. The apt. is furnished with furniture so at least that is done. I'd love for us to be out shopping now but he needs to get with the other 3 to see who needs to bring what. The school is somewhat isolated and he is not bringing a car so we are hoping to bring most items with us when he moves. So much easier for my daughter who will still be in a dorm this year.
Seems like boys are easier ?
 


Very sorry that you are going through this. The summer between Freshman and sophomore year is the toughest in my opinion. They've been used to living on their own, coming and going as they please, and answering to no one for months now. Then they come home and mom and dad are back in the daily picture. My kids at that age had complete freedom when they returned home except for basically what you are requiring. Although I never expected them to keep me updated on location and who they were with after high school. Just let me know if you'll be around for dinner so that I don't waste time cooking for people who will be out and most of all- let me know when or if you will be home. As you said, I consider this common courtesy. I worry as it gets late. This period is also difficult because we as parents have become used to peace and quiet and not seeing and worrying about what they are up to day in and day out.

I agree with your DD that grounding at this point is inappropriate. She's an adult and it seems to demean her. I agree with the statement that "our love is unconditional but our money is not." I would sit her down and tell her that the next time she doesn't check in as you expect, her car will be impounded as soon as you track her down. Or heck, take the keys today, as soon as she shows up. She's certainly had plenty of warning. I'd also take her phone and replace it with a cheap- texting/calling flip phone if those are still available for purchase. I wouldn't want her out and about without a way to communicate but there is no reason to pay for an expensive phone. Anything else that you pay for that could be taken away would be.

I would also address the dangerous behavior and let her know that a continuation of that behavior would have the same consequences. "I love you but will not financially support poor choices."

Am I remembering that your DD also got into a scrape at school last year? With that in mind and the summer you are having, I also would encourage seeking some counseling for her. Some kids transition easily to adulthood and others need some help. If I'm mistaking you- please forgive me.

This period was the last that DD22 moved home. Sophomore year and on, she was in an apartment so she stayed in her college town where jobs and internships were plentiful. It worked well. We visited a lot back and forth- met up for vacation, she had me come and stay with her for a week at her apartment, etc... But she was able to maintain her day in and day out of living as an adult.

Good luck- parenting is difficult!
Yes you are remembering correctly. She is currently on a deferred suspension at her university from Oct 2017-Oct 2018. If she gets in any trouble at school she will be suspended. She was smoking a joint out in public with a couple of kids and got caught. After that she did really buckle down and focus on her classes/ grades, all of which were good.

She got the pot over her Fall break from the same group of kids she is
hanging out with now. She had to go through mandatory drug counseling at school, which she thought was funny/a complete joke. I almost wish the consequences had been stiffer because it might have made her wake up. The other risky things this summer were not drug or alcohol related however.

I mentioned counseling to my DH last week. She is only home for 2.5 more weeks, so I’m not sure how much impact it would have. I think a change of venue (back to university) may do the trick (I hope & pray).

Also the letting us know her location is about the 24 to 36 hour absences, not just for an evening out with friends.
 
That is exactly how I put it to my young adults. If dad or I are expected home and something is making us run late, we let the other know. Not because anyone is controlling but just because it's courteous.
That is exactly what we’ve said to her since the beginning of the summer. I told her it’s just a courtesy. It’s what adults do. I even used her brother, DH and myself as examples. Apparently among her friend group we are the only parents who ask this of their kids. Therefore we are so “over the top controlling”.
 
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Has anyone else had issues with their college kid not respecting the rules of your house? We don't have a lot of rules for the college kids. Once they hit college, there is no more curfew. Our rules are about honesty and courtesy. Don't lie to mom and dad about what you are doing and check in with us via text if you are going to be home super late or spend the night at a friend's house. DS21 has no issues with this. He tells us he's going to X's house. We'll get a text later saying I'll be home around 2:00 AM, or we left X's and went to Y's, or I had a few beers and am sleeping over at X's house - all of which are totally fine with us (even when he was just 18). He knows we'll worry if we wake up at 4:00 AM and he's not home, so he checks in. Common courtesy.

DD19 won't do it, and it's been a constant source of fighting this summer. She has left the house saying she's going to X's house, and then we hear nothing from her for 24-36 hours. Once time we tried texting her for several hours; she didn't respond. At that point we started calling her friends parents to make sure she was not hurt/kidnapped. The mom said she'd been at her house for two days with some other girls, and they were all currently asleep, so that's why she didn't text us back. How hard is it to shoot your parents a text to make sure they don't worry???? Last night she got home after being out for 30 hours. I finally texted her yesterday at mid day, she did text back that she'd be home soon. She came home at 1:00 AM. I was peeved at that point. All we ask is for a text. She just won't do it.

I wouldn't be so worried about all of this, but she's also been lying to us about where she goes and what she does. She accidentally outs herself and gets caught in the lie, otherwise we'd believe whatever she tells us. She also lied to her bosses at both her jobs on 4th of July. She told both places she was scheduled to work that she had a fever, so she could get out of work and party with her friends at the beach. She got caught in that lie by one of her bosses. So now he rarely puts her on the schedule. She went from working there 3 days a week to 1 day a week if that. I can't blame him either. I'd have done the same thing. With so little work, she's got even more time on her hand, which is not a good thing.

We only know 2 of her girlfriends and 1 of her guys friends that she's been hanging out with this summer. She won't let us meet them. It's not the same group she hung out with in HS, and some of them are not the best influence and don't have good home lives. She has them over to our house only when we are not here. Apparently that's what they do - congregate at whichever house has no parents at home. But the worst thing is that she's made some very risky decisions that could have had serious consequences for her future (NOT drinking/driving related thank goodness, I'm not going to share what they are). She didn't get caught in any of these (this time), so she thinks it's no big deal. DH said last month that he's really worried she's going to get hurt or get in trouble and ruin her life. I can't blame it all on her friends because she is the one making the choices, but I know they are encouraging her to choose badly. Part of the reason she's been lying is because she KNOWS we would not like what she's doing because it's risky, but she wants to do it anyway.

We've grounded her twice (for a combined total of 5 days) for the lying. Lying is not tolerated in our house. She claims she is an adult, and it is totally wrong to ground her. And she's been completely disrespectful about it. She may be 19, but she is totally dependent on us for everything - food, shelter, medical, phone, car, insurance, education. We told her that she can do whatever she wants, when she wants, with whom she wants when she is fully in charge of her own life. She says we are over the top; all her friends think so; none of their parents try to still parent or have rules for their 19 year old kids. I find that hard to believe.

DH and I think it might be better for her to stay up at school and get a job there next summer. She would be surrounded by more motivated kids on campus. But we'll see. Thanks for letting me vent.

Wow sorry you are dealing with this! We really don't have any rules in our house but I guess it is because she will tell me if she is going to be out late or where she is going without me asking- if it turned into a situation like you are having I would have to take some action- for instance the car I am paying for she would not be using if she didn't have enough respect to let me know she was coming home late etc.
 
I don't want to get into a big discussion about parenting, but I think that the other punishments suggested are just as demeaning as grounding. They are all the kind of things used for teens in high school and they are bound to push an already non compliant adult child further away. I say this as a parent whose child never responded to the parenting models over the years that have had the "DIS seal of approval".
That is exactly what I don’t want to do - push a non compliant adult child further away. I feel like I am walking a tightrope of trying to protect her future or letting her screw it up. A couple of the incidents could have been life altering had the outcome gone the other way.
 
Yes you are remembering correctly. She is currently on a deferred suspension at her university from Oct 2017-Oct 2018. If she gets in any trouble at school she will be suspended. She was smoking a joint out in public with a couple of kids and got caught. After that she did really buckle down and focus on her classes/ grades, all of which were good.

She got the pot over her Fall break from the same group of kids she is
hanging out with now. She had to go through mandatory drug counseling at school, which she thought was funny/a complete joke. I almost wish the consequences had been stiffer because it might have made her wake up. The other risky things this summer were not drug or alcohol related however.

I mentioned counseling to my DH last week. She is only home for 2.5 more weeks, so I’m not sure how much impact it would have. I think a change of venue (back to university) may do the trick (I hope & pray).

Also the letting us know her location is about the 24 to 36 hour absences, not just for an evening out with friends.

Given this and her continued poor choices. I would be looking into some type of counseling in her college town. Best wishes to you! Getting kids launched into adulthood is tough!
 
So what would you do in the situation given?

I see my suggestions as different because she still has freedom but I'm not paying for poor choices. She can still have a friend pick her up and go on her merry way.
Taking away their personal items just because you paid for from them, for instance replacing an iPhone with a flip phone, is really soooo 8th grade. Very infantilizing.

What would I do? I would reiterate that I expected to be told if my adult child was not going to be home overnight as a courtesy to me and the family. If she was using a family car and gone overnight with it I would put an end to that unless I know where she is via text. The difference between the car and the phone (and other stuff) is that the car is mine and the phone is hers. At this point, I would wait it out.

That is exactly what I don’t want to do - push a non compliant adult child further away. I feel like I am walking a tightrope of trying to protect her future or letting her screw it up. A couple of the incidents could have been life altering had the outcome gone the other way.
Exactly. It's a tightrope that many people who have (at least moderately) compliant children don't understand.
 
Yes you are remembering correctly. She is currently on a deferred suspension at her university from Oct 2017-Oct 2018. If she gets in any trouble at school she will be suspended. She was smoking a joint out in public with a couple of kids and got caught. After that she did really buckle down and focus on her classes/ grades, all of which were good.

She got the pot over her Fall break from the same group of kids she is
hanging out with now. She had to go through mandatory drug counseling at school, which she thought was funny/a complete joke. I almost wish the consequences had been stiffer because it might have made her wake up. The other risky things this summer were not drug or alcohol related however.

I mentioned counseling to my DH last week. She is only home for 2.5 more weeks, so I’m not sure how much impact it would have. I think a change of venue (back to university) may do the trick (I hope & pray).

Also the letting us know her location is about the 24 to 36 hour absences, not just for an evening out with friends.

That is exactly what we’ve said to her since the beginning of the summer. I told her it’s just a courtesy. It’s what adults do. I even used her brother, DH and myself as examples. Apparently among her friend group we are the only parents who ask this of their kids. Therefore we are so “over the top controlling”.
Its not over the top controlling and most people who house children are going to request basic courtesies, even from their adult children. Its the same as when they were 13 and "everyone else was doing it", when we all dug in a bit, we quickly learned that we were being manipulated and while there are always exceptions, its rare that everyone else truly is doing it (whatever it is at the time).

Wow, I missed the whole suspension thing - Just my two cents but if the university gave her a years probation over something that is now perfectly legal in several states, I think the University is the really controlling "parent" in the equation. I can see why she thought the counseling etc is a joke, the attitude towards pot has really shifted. I'm not condoning breaking the rules etc, I just find the actions to be harsh and given her disrespect towards you over a simple text of whereabouts, I am surprised she is not rebelling against her University as well.
 
Its not over the top controlling and most people who house children are going to request basic courtesies, even from their adult children. Its the same as when they were 13 and "everyone else was doing it", when we all dug in a bit, we quickly learned that we were being manipulated and while there are always exceptions, its rare that everyone else truly is doing it (whatever it is at the time).

Wow, I missed the whole suspension thing - Just my two cents but if the university gave her a years probation over something that is now perfectly legal in several states, I think the University is the really controlling "parent" in the equation. I can see why she thought the counseling etc is a joke, the attitude towards pot has really shifted. I'm not condoning breaking the rules etc, I just find the actions to be harsh and given her disrespect towards you over a simple text of whereabouts, I am surprised she is not rebelling against her University as well.
I posted about her deferred suspension a couple of times over the last year, but it may not have been on this thread. She is really lucky the university recently changed their stance on pot. Up until a few years ago, it was an automatic suspension. It is still illegal in our state. DH was a big joint smoker during his college years, so we are definitely not the pot calling the kettle black. But why on earth did she think it was a good idea to smoke it in public???!!! She needs to start thinking things through with her eye on the future. Parenting is so hard sometimes.
 
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Parenting is so hard sometimes.
This, and I don't know about the rest of y'all but I found the 18 to about 22, to be the toughest years.
She's certainly exhibiting a disdain for authority - her social group may be the driving force behind this as she appears to be showing off that she can play bad kid with them.
I've no advice, this is a tough place to be. Thankful school starts in a few weeks
 
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Preparing to take DD back. She is staying in the same same dorm with one of the same girl from last year and two freshmen. She takes calc 3 final this week.
Today we packed personal product items and laundry supplies and room supplies.
Over the summer we purchased mini freezer fridge, cub chair, and items to cozy up the shared living area.
I think she will come home often yet with BF gone. He graduates boot camp Aug 23 and then we will learn where he goes. She is bummed he is gone and she hangs with all of us to help entertain her.
We will take her stuff down August 18, she goes to watch BF grad Aug, then we will run her back to school that weekend and the next weekend is Labor Day and we'll get her anything she forgot at home.
 
I feel like it is freshman year all over again with what I have to buy! She has an apartment style dorm this year with a kitchen so we had to buy everything to stock the kitchen-pots,pans, baking things, spices etc. She goes back on Sept 1st- I am dreading it. We are having a great month, went to Hershey for a few days, concerts, escape rooms etc, I don't want it to end! She has been working a few days a week at the ice cream place and picking up a few more acting things- she did a jet.com commercial last week and tomorrow she is doing a TV show called God Friended Me that is coming out in the Fall on CBS. Trying to fit in all the Dr's appts before she heads back- Dentist and on Wed she has to get an endoscopy and stomach biopsy done and needs another full blood work set done before she heads back. I don't want the summer to end but she is anxious to get back to her boyfriend and friends.
 
I feel like it is freshman year all over again with what I have to buy! She has an apartment style dorm this year with a kitchen so we had to buy everything to stock the kitchen-pots,pans, baking things, spices etc. She goes back on Sept 1st- I am dreading it. We are having a great month, went to Hershey for a few days, concerts, escape rooms etc, I don't want it to end! She has been working a few days a week at the ice cream place and picking up a few more acting things- she did a jet.com commercial last week and tomorrow she is doing a TV show called God Friended Me that is coming out in the Fall on CBS. Trying to fit in all the Dr's appts before she heads back- Dentist and on Wed she has to get an endoscopy and stomach biopsy done and needs another full blood work set done before she heads back. I don't want the summer to end but she is anxious to get back to her boyfriend and friends.
I kinda fee the same way. DD needs Small pot for soup, beans etc and a small or medium pan, knives, eating utensils (with color handles or something to identify). She finally texted with the other two room mates. One made a list so the other are bringing a blender, microwave, rice cooker and they want to decorate the living room. My DD already has a microwave and blender but that's already on the list so I told her to offer it as a back up. I told her she can take a bagel/toaster to contribute to the kitchen. They also had on the list as still needing cleaning supplies, toilet paper, paper towels, kitchen sponges, tv, pillows for the couch, curtain for the sliding glass door, decorations etc. DD started stressing out because it more money and just feels they should wait on the living room. She offered to take some bathroom cleaning supplies. She also wants to supply her own toilet paper since she had big issues with her bath mates from last year. They started out putting in one roll each so total 4 girls=4 rolls so when it ran out they all put in a roll each so each time there was 4 rolls and restock. After a few weeks some girls stopped restocking, would have several several friends using their bath room etc. Plus we supplied good toilet paper and 2 girls would put in super cheap 1 ply toilet paper. After awhile dd's roomie moved out cause the other bath mates were rude and giving her a hassle. My DD stopped talking to the mean girls and told them she was going to use her own toilet paper. The mean girls would steal toilet paper from the public restroom on campus or use paper towels, really! Anyway, dd is just a little wary about this year but I told her just go with it and see how it goes. She said she will supply her own toilet paper and her own kitchen sponges cuz she gets grossed out especially if they don't clean or rinse the sponge. I don't blame her-lol!

I told her to start a food list so after move in day we can take her to get some groceries to start out with so far she has
-peanut butter
-jelly
-bread
-kraft cheese slices
-butter
-frozen talipia
-mini frozen pizza
-couple frozen steamer veggie bags
-microwave popcorn so they can have popcorn nite

Her move in week will be filled with lot of activities and free food so just getting a few things she can eat in the evening or a lil something in between. SHe will also have her mini fridge with freezer
 
She also wants to supply her own toilet paper since she had big issues with her bath mates from last year. They started out putting in one roll each so total 4 girls=4 rolls so when it ran out they all put in a roll each so each time there was 4 rolls and restock. After a few weeks some girls stopped restocking, would have several several friends using their bath room etc. Plus we supplied good toilet paper and 2 girls would put in super cheap 1 ply toilet paper. After awhile dd's roomie moved out cause the other bath mates were rude and giving her a hassle. My DD stopped talking to the mean girls and told them she was going to use her own toilet paper. The mean girls would steal toilet paper from the public restroom on campus or use paper towels, really!

Last year her and her room mate shared a jack and jill bathroom with the room next door-the other girls never bought toilet paper so it got to the point my daughter and her room mate would leave it empty and just bring the roll in with them when they wanted it- eventually the other girls swiped one of those giant rolls from a public bathroom and put it in there. This year it is just her and her room mate (same one as last year) sharing one bathroom so they are very happy. hey are each brining their own pots and pans because they said they don't want it to cause any issues if one doesn't wash it one day and leaves it in the sink and the other one needs needs it- good planning LOL. My daughter is bringing the micro and the other girl is bringing the blender and toaster.
 

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