Pray for Dom, who is in a coma-Update 8/29/2017 -Post 544-page 28

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by TeresaNJ, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. Twilight Sparkle

    Twilight Sparkle DIS Veteran

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    :hug: Hugs, Teresa. I understand all too well the pain of "what if". I wish peace and healing for all of you.
     
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  2. Aulika

    Aulika Mouseketeer

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    Thank you Theresa for sharing your story !
     
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  4. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    People face adversities in life the best they are equipped. Some really rise to the occasion and seem to handle far more than is humanly possible, some crumple like a tissue. Dom's mother no doubt needs the services of a very skilled counselor or therapist, and I hope that happens for her before too long. Obviously you realize that simply because your brother is speaking words out of his mouth, it doesn't mean they are in fact reality -- and are likely not his honest inner thoughts.

    It does no one any good to dwell on the what ifs or the should have done this, shouldn't have done that. There is no putting the toothpaste back in the tube. You made attempts to head off trouble. If you noticed things were off it's darned sure his parents did also. You can't blame yourself for not heading this off if his own parents were unable to do so. You and your husband have gone to extraordinary lengths to be supportive and try to assist Dom and his parents, even before the accident. I pray you all continue to remain strong in the face of very stiff odds.

    I absolutely hear your anguish and understand your thoughts for doing so, but if I might gently suggest that you might not have the clearest head, particularly on a day like today, to make the choice to place such raw and honest personal details on such a public forum. Please know that is not a criticism, merely a nudge that, while it might potentially help someone, it's pretty certain it has the potential to wound those whose personal lives are out here for anyone to read -- including those searching for ways to make contact with Dom, which we've already seen here on the thread.

    Nothing but good thoughts and prayers headed out for all of you.
     
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  5. Tuffcookie

    Tuffcookie Enjoys an early hour of peace. Is a smart cookie.

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    :hug: I am so sorry. I work at our local police dept. and see the results of drug addiction on a daily basis. It is truly disheartening! I will keep you all in my prayers!

    TC :cool1:
     
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  6. robinb

    robinb DIS Veteran

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    I am so sorry {{hugs}}. It may seem at first blush that someone could have done something to avert the tragedy of Dom's accident if only they tried. In reality, you tried. Your brother tried. Your mom tried. Dom's mom tried. Heck, even Dom tried. Sometimes it's not enough in the face of something so powerful as addiction. Please don't beat yourself up with endless "woulda, coulda, shoulda" thinking. Like @cabanafrau says, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.
     
  7. Pembo

    Pembo OH-IO

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    Thanks for sharing Dom's story as tragic as it is. Many blessings to you for all you do for Dom.
     
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  8. superme80

    superme80 DIS Veteran

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    :hug: Words cannot describe the love and empathy I feel for you, Dom, and your family. I will be praying for all of you. Thank you for sharing. Dom's story may hopefully save another life.
     
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  9. Planogirl

    Planogirl I feel the nerd in me stirring

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    Sometimes it can help to write all of it out. I hope that you can work your way through all of this.

    Continued prayers for everyone. :hug:
     
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  10. low-key

    low-key DIS Veteran

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    I made so many bad choices in life as a lot of you have also, its just dumb luck that something horrendous didnt happen to us. Get better Dom
     
  11. teacherlisa1978

    teacherlisa1978 DIS Veteran

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    Your family is all in my prayers. God Bless you.
     
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  12. macraven

    macraven Proud Redhead Moderator

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    Teresa

    :hug:


    And prayers for you and the family
     
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  13. flyingdumbo127

    flyingdumbo127 DIS Veteran

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    God Bless all of you, Teresa! May you come to find peace of Christ with and within you and know He has always been there. Thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for all you do for Dom. Please, please, take care of yourself!
     
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  14. Dan Murphy

    Dan Murphy We are family.

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    Thank you, Teresa, for sharing these difficult and powerful words. Could be a wakeup call for many. One person's choices, good and/or not, have such an impact on their own and others' lives.

    As others have said, though cliche, don't beat yourself up over this. Addictions are just that, addictions, so powerful and life changing. You and many in your families tried many things to improve the situation with Dom. Maybe if there had been more time, maybe if this, maybe if that, you will never know.

    What can be done now, as in the past year, is prayer, hope and advocating for good to come for Dom.

    God bless you, Teresa, along with Harry, Patty, Nick. And always, Dom. :hug:'s
     
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  15. handinpocket

    handinpocket DIS Veteran

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    My heart goes out to you, but you should think long and hard about posting the "whole story" here. It isn't right for you to tell it. It would destroy his parents if they read it.
     
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  16. MamaBelle4

    MamaBelle4 DIS Veteran

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    As involved as she is, it is as much her story as theirs. Someone she loves is going through this, and she is trying to save someone the same fate.

    Thank you for sharing. I am praying for your family. I hope Dom makes a full recovery and his mom does what she needs for him to stay at meadow view.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2017
  17. TeresaNJ

    TeresaNJ Full time stay at home crafter!

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    I hear what you are saying, and I did give it a lot of thought before I posted it. Everyone who knows our family already knows this story, and the circumstances that have occurred over the years. I believe more people may be helped by knowing how things like what happened to Dom & our family can happen to them, than may be hurt by it. I've seen firsthand the damage keeping "family secrets" can do. I don't want people to think Dom was just another spoiled, lazy, over indulged kid who grew up to be a drug addict. He wasn't. He was a nice, kind, quiet, considerate, adorable young boy who was subjected to an extreme amount of stress & pain, although I'm sure not intentionally. Instead of growing into a confidant young man, he was the least confidant person I know, had low self esteem, and obviously thought he was a loser. He was never given the chance to stand on his own, to learn to make his own decisions, & follow his own path. He was always too busy trying to keep the peace, and keep everyone happy. He was trying to escape his world, his pain. At least, this is what I believe.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2017
  18. AnnaS

    AnnaS DIS Sponsoor/Veteran

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    You and your family are all in my prayers.
     
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  19. Tiggerish

    Tiggerish DIS Veteran

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    This is me also. TeresaMJ thnk you so much for being brave enough to tell the full story. Life is messy; life is full of roads not taken, "what ifs" and "why did I not". As my mother always said when told of bad things about family members, "First you pray, then you move forward and keep praying."
     
  20. TeresaNJ

    TeresaNJ Full time stay at home crafter!

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    I've amended my post, still telling the facts as we know it about what happened to Dom, but removing what may be deemed hurtful or "too much out there". Thanks everyone, for your comments, thoughts, advice, love, & prayers. We still don't know what's going on with Dom going to Meadow View. Haven't heard from his mom for a few days, so hopefully we'll know something tomorrow.
     
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  21. TeresaNJ

    TeresaNJ Full time stay at home crafter!

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    Good Morning, friends! Sorry it's been a while since I've updated. I've been feeling really down about Dom's situation, along with feeling angry, & upset, so didn't feel up to talking about it. It's so hard when you want to help, feel that wrong decisions are being made, but you're helpless to really do anything about it, because we aren't the parents. As we speak, Dom is still at Elmwood. Two weeks ago, Dom's mom was all about keeping him there. She said things had changed with Dom's care since she spoke to a few people, managers I'm guessing, and she liked that the facility is clean, and close to her home. It may be a few minutes closer to her than Meadow View, but that's about it. She's really smack dab in the middle of the two facilities. Then last week, out of the blue, she decides she doesn't want him at Elmwood anymore, and she tells us she is looking at another facility that is even farther out & county run. I've never heard of the place. My husband did some research on it, and while it has some good ratings online, it's still county run, and most counties in NJ have sold their facilities, as they can't make enough of a profit to keep them running correctly. In fact, Elmwood had been a county owned facility until a few years ago when the county sold. I could get into all the facts & figures, and negatives and so on, but it would be boring & it's hard to understand. Suffice it to say none of us are happy about any of this. In our opinion, Meadow View was perfect, and that bed is now most likely gone, plus I don't know if they would even accept Dom anymore. I could say more about what we're dealing with, with the unrealistic, out there, expectations of Dom's parents, but I won't.

    We've had to kind of distance ourselves, for our own mental health. When you're continually asked for advice, called & texted at all hours of the day & night, give advice, advice isn't taken & now fires have to be put out, put yourself out there begging a facility to take Dom, and then are made to look like idiots when the person asking you to do this suddenly has unrealistic demands and changes their mind, you get to the point where enough is enough. I mean, we know what we're talking about. This was my career until I retired, and my husband still works in this field. We're not just some Joe Shmow who doesn't know what they're talking about. I get it though. Dom's not our child. We don't get to make any decisions.

    So, Dom is looking well. Supposedly his insurance has cut off his subacute benefits, but Dom's mom is again appealing. I think she is in the second or third appeal, and then it goes to court. In the meantime, Dom is at Elmwood not receiving any therapy. The past facilities he was in continued to give him therapy while the appeal process was taking place, but this facility isn't doing it. When we went to see Dom the other day, his upper extremities seemed pretty tight and contracted, so my husband did some range of motion on him, and it seemed to help a lot. We learned that the Baclofen pump really only helps the lower extremities. His mom's reasoning for fighting to keep him on the pump is so that it will one day help Dom walk again. Okay. Maybe we should worry more about him knowing who he is and who we are before we worry about him walking. This Baclofen pump is preventing him from getting into a good long term facility. The way long term works, in a nutshell, is the state pays a facility a set dollar amount per day for a patient. In NJ it's about $180 per day. Out of that money the facility has to pay for everything for the patient, including feeds & meds. Dom's tube feed alone is around $80 per day. The Baclofen pump costs thousands every few months to fill. He is only 26 years old. He is not an attractive patient for a facility to want. He has no money, no pension, no benefits, no property, no nothing! After explaining this over and over and over again, his mother still does not get this. It's truly exhausting.

    The last few times we visited Dom he wasn't very responsive, but this time he was laughing away. When we walked into his room about 6:30 in the evening, of course, again, he's just laying in bed, no music on, no tv, no nothing. He needs to have some stimulating or soothing sound around him! We've said this again & again. Meadow View was great at this. Also, walking the halls of this place is eerie. I mean, it's true, the place is immaculate. It does look like a hotel. Nice artwork on the walls, floors that gleam like mirrors, but there's hardly ever a soul around. At Meadow View, there were always staff milling about, stopping in Dom's room to see him, coming to talk to us. This place is COLD! Anyway, I walked up to the side of Dom's bed, and said hi Dom, it's Aunt Teresa, and he immediately started making noise. It's sort of a half laugh half cry. It's hard to tell. He kept it up for the entire hour we were there. He also looked more alert. It was so so hard to leave him. I can't take it. I just cry and am so sad when we have to go home. It's so heartbreaking. I did give him a shave & cut his nails while I was there. His mom for some reason says she's afraid to do these things, not sure why, so he always has this scruffy goatee. He never ever had facial hair. Drives me nuts! Hoping to give him a haircut this week.

    I keep praying somehow Dom will end up at Meadow View again, long term, settled, so we can feel confident he is being cared for & cared about.

    Here are a few videos we took from the other night. The quality isn't great, as my husband's phone resizes them when sending, but hopefully you can hear Dom.​





    Nicely clean shaven & so handsome!
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2017

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