Relationship Lessons

disneychrista

DIS Veteran
Joined
Dec 26, 2002
This is kind of a spin off of @low-key thread about Relationship Autopsy's

Even if you are happily married/in a relationship. Everyone has gone through a break-up/relationship ending. Whether that relationship ended in a big blow-up or amicably they teach us something.

What have you learned from the end of a relationship?


I'll share mine later, I want to hear from others first. Believe me with two disasters of a relationship in 3 years I've learned a lot.
 

wenrob

DIS Veteran
Joined
Apr 14, 2008
You can’t fix a ‘bad boy’ so quit seeking them out. :rotfl:

I think the lessons I’ve (and I think my DH) learned the most from are my parents previous relationships before they finally got it right. Third time was a charm for both.

I can’t really pin it to any one relationship I’ve had or observed but the things I have picked up along the way are:

Communication
Compromise
Mutual respect
Leaving the past in the past.
Never using the the threat of a break up or divorce as a weapon.
Be an independent person alongside of the relationship.

When I look back, at least one of more of these were missing in previous relationships.
 
  • hereyago

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jun 20, 2008
    Don't think if you live someone "enough" they will change.

    There is a song by K. Michelle, You Can't Raise A Man.


    And I know there are some females who this would apply to as well.
     

    hereyago

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jun 20, 2008
    You can’t fix a ‘bad boy’ so quit seeking them out. :rotfl:

    I think the lessons I’ve (and I think my DH) learned the most from are my parents previous relationships before they finally got it right. Third time was a charm for both.

    I can’t really pin it to any one relationship I’ve had or observed but the things I have picked up along the way are:

    Communication
    Compromise
    Mutual respect
    Leaving the past in the past.
    Never using the the threat of a break up or divorce as a weapon.
    Be an independent person alongside of the relationship.

    When I look back, at least one of more of these were missing in previous relationships.

    But bad boys were fun lol just don't have a relationship with them lol
     

    georgina

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Apr 21, 2003
    I only had 3 serious relationships before I got married 30+ years ago. In 2 of those relationships I should have ended them sooner. I have too much loyalty. Nothing abusive, just in looking back it should have been clear there was not a good prognosis for long term relationship. One of those 2 I didn't even end - he did, but I should have!
     
  • Joined
    Oct 23, 2015
    Sometimes it takes years for someone to get their lives on a good track. 2 relationships that ended it was so very clear when they ended that was the case with those 2 exes and our respective relationships.

    Nothing wrong with taking some time but it can lead to just different plaths.

    I don't even think it was a wrong time wrong place type thing because at least with those 2 relationships I'm not even sure there would ever been a right time right place. No regrets on them though.
     

    disykat

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jun 5, 2000
    I didn't really have enough romantic relationships to learn much. Mostly I learned to be more willing to put myself out there in order to HAVE relationships!

    I have done a lot more evaluating of the friendship relationships in my life and the family relationships. I was pretty standoffish and careful about romantic relationships until I met my husband.
     

    John VN

    DIS Cast Member
    Joined
    Aug 2, 2003
    This is kind of a spin off of @low-key thread about Relationship Autopsy's

    Even if you are happily married/in a relationship. Everyone has gone through a break-up/relationship ending. Whether that relationship ended in a big blow-up or amicably they teach us something.

    What have you learned from the end of a relationship?



    I'll share mine later, I want to hear from others first. Believe me with two disasters of a relationship in 3 years I've learned a lot.
    Met in 1st grade. Same schools through HS Graduation and never a thing. Met at random 4 years later, accidental contact with hands, 1 year later married. Still haven't learned a thing since working in year 46 and looking good for 47.

    Dang, just a dummy here.
     

    wenrob

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Apr 14, 2008
    But bad boys were fun lol just don't have a relationship with them lol
    Yeah, that’s where I went wrong. Fortunately for me I learned that lesson well enough to recognize a good guy and marry him. Turns out you don’t need drama in your life to have fun.
    Even the seemingly sweetest people can be violent. If they give you a hint of it; run. Don’t make excuses for them; leave.
    True words. People have a hard time wrapping their heads around how someone can end up in a abusive relationship but they don’t start out abusive. It starts slow enough you think it was a misunderstanding or “bad day” (in my case it was a small push) and before you know it you’re in the thick of something really bad.
     
  • disneychrista

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Dec 26, 2002
    Don't settle. If the person you are seeing can't/won't/doesn't give you what you want don't settle because you are afraid to be alone. Don't think it is better than nothing.

    Actions speak louder than words. No matter what your partner is telling you, if the actions don't match – believe the actions.

    Be open and honest with your partner and most important yourself about what you want from the relationship. If you want differnet things no matter how much you have in common, how much fun you have together, how much you want it to – it isn't going to work out.

    When they show you who they are – believe it!

    Be selective about what you share with them at first. They don't need to know everything about your past relationships.

    Take time after the end of a relationship to process and get over it before you move on to someone new.

    This is really just the tip of the ice berg.
     

    MrsCobraBubbles

    Life's too short to wear pants all the time
    Joined
    Jul 24, 2013
    I learned that it's ok to be my own person, with my own interests, my own friends. I guess I tend to lose myself and be a doormat in relationships and it becomes all about the other person's wants and needs, but the end of my last relationship taught me how to stand up for myself. Hopefully I will be able to apply what I've learned to future relationships and not fall back into bad habits.
     

    low-key

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Apr 8, 2011
    Of course I want to know what went wrong and why, and if I was miserable, I want to know why I got in that to begin with, if they left, I want to see if I have a problem but the one thing I learn thru all of it.

    Is you got to believe your the prize
     

    georgina

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Apr 21, 2003
    I learned that it's ok to be my own person, with my own interests, my own friends. I guess I tend to lose myself and be a doormat in relationships and it becomes all about the other person's wants and needs, but the end of my last relationship taught me how to stand up for myself. Hopefully I will be able to apply what I've learned to future relationships and not fall back into bad habits.
    I thing that is SO important! My first serious relationship was during my last 2 years of high school, and I did neglect my other friends. Once I got to college he became very jealous and possessive; took me halfway through freshman year to extricate myself from that situation. Now DH and I have some common interests, but we also do our own thing a lot. (He goes scuba diving, I go to Orlando!)
     

    Kathryn Merteuil

    Barden Bella
    Joined
    May 11, 2012
    Staying calm is what I am TRYING to learn.

    I sometimes find myself in an all out panic over things sometimes when things come up. I still think/feel about how my ex-husband reacted to things and how he would totally blow up over everything. My husband doesn't act like that, but I just have a fear inside me I guess.

    Example: he wanted me to pick up a certain item when I went grocery shopping. They were out of said item. I took a picture of the bare shelf where the item should have been to show as proof they did not have it to justify the substitute I brought home. My husband was like OK, that's fine, well maybe they will get it back in stock soon. In similar situations w/my ex, it would be him screaming at me and berating me for 30 minutes over something that was beyond my control.
     

    ronandannette

    I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!
    Joined
    May 4, 2006
    If you have any "non-negotiables" in the qualities you desire in a partner DO NOT compromise. Choose wisely and if long-term is your relationship goal, don't even bother getting in too deep with anybody that doesn't meet your criteria. Prior to marriage you're not obligated in any way to "make it work" with a person that's not suitable. Of course staying in relationships to spare the other person's feelings is always an option, but then don't be shocked or disappointed when you're not happy. Be a little bit steely-eyed in your evaluation of people and IMO, disengaging sooner-rather-than-later is wise.
     

    mousefan73

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 9, 2012
    Don't settle. If the person you are seeing can't/won't/doesn't give you what you want don't settle because you are afraid to be alone.
    Have to somewhat disagree. That perfect person doesn’t always exist. My DH has some things about him I wish were different but I accepted him as he is. I cannot change him. Call it settlings or call it accepting a person for all their good and bad. Granted this” bad” is not for me bad. More annoying but he is a great person, great dad and for me a great husband.

    My BF always refused to “settle” some things that turned her off in relationships for me were like, really? Has had so many relationships. Now is 47 single and no kids. Try dating at 47, it sucks!! She is a beautiful person ( more attractive than me, guys would ignore me and talk her up). But she is so picky.

    I knew when I met my DH this was it, even if on my “list” some items were missing but he was it! Happyly married 16 years!!
     
    Joined
    Oct 23, 2015
    Have to somewhat disagree. That perfect person doesn’t always exist. My DH has some things about him I wish were different but I accepted him as he is. I cannot change him. Call it settlings or call it accepting a person for all their good and bad. Granted this” bad” is not for me bad. More annoying but he is a great person, great dad and for me a great husband.

    My BF always refused to “settle” some things that turned her off in relationships for me were like, really? Has had so many relationships. Now is 47 single and no kids. Try dating at 47, it sucks!! She is a beautiful person ( more attractive than me, guys would ignore me and talk her up). But she is so picky.

    I knew when I met my DH this was it, even if on my “list” some items were missing but he was it! Happyly married 16 years!!
    I kinda took the PP's comment to mean things that would/could be deal breakers and I could be wrong on that interpretation. My husband not refilling the toilet paper roll is not a deal breaker to me even though it was an annoyance for quite a while until I just realized it is what it is lol.

    That's different than someone wanting kids but the other person doesn't for example. Or someone wants marriage the other person doesn't want it at all, and so on.

    FWIW unless your best friend wants kids I don't see any reason why it's a negative that she's that age without children.
     



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