Relationship Struggle

[Positive]

My nearly 18 year relationship has been in a struggle for a couple of years & I am wondering if anyone out there has a similar experience.
My nearly 18 year relationship has been in a struggle for a couple of years & I am wondering if anyone out there has a similar experience.

Some background: my DBF & I are both in our 40s & have never lived together. He is divorced with a daughter-now college aged. He is a kind, funny, stubborn, hard-working man. Nobody is perfect, but he has been perfect for me for a long time & we have many great years & memories together both as a couple & with our kids (I have 3).

The problem: his ex wife has spent years badmouthing me to their daughter. At this point, his daughter has made it clear she does not want me in her life. Naturally, this has created strain/tension. At a couple of family events, I was snubbed & she now refuses to attend anything if I will be there. Likewise, my BF will no longer ask me to go somewhere if his DD will be there. For example, she is home from college & his whole family was getting together at his sister's home. He told me "we're going to C's house Friday night...you & I are going to go out to dinner with them sometime in January".

 

[Disneylover99]

My nearly 18 year relationship has been in a struggle for a couple of years & I am wondering if anyone out there has a similar experience.

Some background: my DBF & I are both in our 40s & have never lived together. He is divorced with a daughter-now college aged. He is a kind, funny, stubborn, hard-working man. Nobody is perfect, but he has been perfect for me for a long time & we have many great years & memories together both as a couple & with our kids (I have 3).

The problem: his ex wife has spent years badmouthing me to their daughter. At this point, his daughter has made it clear she does not want me in her life. Naturally, this has created strain/tension. At a couple of family events, I was snubbed & she now refuses to attend anything if I will be there. Likewise, my BF will no longer ask me to go somewhere if his DD will be there. For example, she is home from college & his whole family was getting together at his sister's home. He told me "we're going to C's house Friday night...you & I are going to go out to dinner with them sometime in January".

My dilemma: My BF no longer shares details, good news or bad, with me about his daughter. It is like the proverbial elephant in the room. If I ask a question, I am given the simplest answer possible or worse, told I don't care anyway. The biggest source of tension comes when he dismisses plans we have in favor of making plans with his daughter. I feel like I am getting benched. Most recently, I was at his house at Christmas time doing some wrapping when his daughter called & wanted to stop by to drop something off. When I tell you he got totally freaked out, you will have to believe me. I thought he was going to have a panic attack at the thought of the 2 of us in the same room.

You've been with this guy for a long time. Did you ever have a good relationship with his daughter?

 

[low-key]

either she is a big brat or if you two were sleeping toghter when they were still married she will just hate you forever fair or not

 

[Marchand63]

18 years & no marriage discussion ?

 

[Positive]

You've been with this guy for a long time. Did you ever have a good relationship with his daughter?

Honestly, it was never what I hoped it would be. In her early high school years it was at its best. I never did try & force it and hoped it would evolve over time.

 

[sk!mom]

My nearly 18 year relationship has been in a struggle for a couple of years & I am wondering if anyone out there has a similar experience.

Some background: my DBF & I are both in our 40s & have never lived together. He is divorced with a daughter-now college aged. He is a kind, funny, stubborn, hard-working man. Nobody is perfect, but he has been perfect for me for a long time & we have many great years & memories together both as a couple & with our kids (I have 3).

The problem: his ex wife has spent years badmouthing me to their daughter. At this point, his daughter has made it clear she does not want me in her life. Naturally, this has created strain/tension. At a couple of family events, I was snubbed & she now refuses to attend anything if I will be there. Likewise, my BF will no longer ask me to go somewhere if his DD will be there. For example, she is home from college & his whole family was getting together at his sister's home. He told me "we're going to C's house Friday night...you & I are going to go out to dinner with them sometime in January".

My dilemma: My BF no longer shares details, good news or bad, with me about his daughter. It is like the proverbial elephant in the room. If I ask a question, I am given the simplest answer possible or worse, told I don't care anyway. The biggest source of tension comes when he dismisses plans we have in favor of making plans with his daughter. I feel like I am getting benched. Most recently, I was at his house at Christmas time doing some wrapping when his daughter called & wanted to stop by to drop something off. When I tell you he got totally freaked out, you will have to believe me. I thought he was going to have a panic attack at the thought of the 2 of us in the same room.

Hmmm...something doesn't sound right here to me. An 18 year relationship and a college aged DD would mean that you have been in her dad's life as long as she would remember. Have you ever gotten along? It just doesn't seem like just a badmouthing ex could create this big a problem.

Given all that. I was trying to be with you until the bolded. If your boyfriend doesn't share with you and makes comments like, "you don't care anyway" then it seems that the greater problem is your relationship with him.

What has happened to make him think that you don't care about his DD?

 

[Positive]

either she is a big brat or if you two were sleeping toghter when they were still married she will just hate you forever fair or not

So this is a source of tension because I have referred to her as a brat when things have been ugly & my DBF just REALLY doesn't like that at all. We started dating after they separated but his divorce was not final. They had been maintaining separate homes for some time. We both knew this going into the relationship.

18 years & no marriage discussion ?

Marriage has come up as has living together. I have never been married. I had a son my freshman year in college & was lucky to have a very supportive, loving family. I concentrated on being a mom for many years & didn't date until I met my now BF. It was a slow process getting used to dating, introducing him to my son, etc. Years later I adopted my nieces, then aged 2 & 4 when their parents could no longer raise them.

 

[sk!mom]

So this is a source of tension because I have referred to her as a brat when things have been ugly & my DBF just REALLY doesn't like that at all. We started dating after they separated but his divorce was not final. They had been maintaining separate homes for some time. We both knew this going into the relationship.


Marriage has come up as has living together. I have never been married. I had a son my freshman year in college & was lucky to have a very supportive, loving family. I concentrated on being a mom for many years & didn't date until I met my now BF. It was a slow process getting used to dating, introducing him to my son, etc. Years later I adopted my nieces, then aged 2 & 4 when their parents could no longer raise them.

You have badmouthed his DD to him? Wow, this does not sound like a relationship that has developed in a healthy way. Honestly, no one is going to feel like you care about their children if you call them names.

 

[Positive]

Hmmm...something doesn't sound right here to me. An 18 year relationship and a college aged DD would mean that you have been in her dad's life as long as she would remember. Have you ever gotten along? It just doesn't seem like just a badmouthing ex could create this big a problem.

Given all that. I was trying to be with you until the bolded. If your boyfriend doesn't share with you and makes comments like, "you don't care anyway" then it seems that the greater problem is your relationship with him.

What has happened to make him think that you don't care about his DD?

So I agree, none of it sounds or feels right to me either. As I mentioned in another response, the relationship with his DD has never been what I hoped it would be especially since we have been together since she was young. I was always kind to her & treated her as I would treat my own child. I did draw the line at disciplining her, even when I felt it was warranted, because her father was there to handle that. She is an only child & a daddy's girl, the sun does truly rise & set on her in his eyes.
I will have to disagree with you that a badmouthing ex spouse could not create problems. At the end of the day, DD's loyalty is to her mother- as it should be.
I will agreee with you that, yes, at this point my issue is with HIM. Neither of us can control how his daughter feels about me, but imo he can show me support by insisting that his daughter show basic manners to me when we are together.

 

[cjbcam]

I would call her a brat as well if she’s being a brat. The amount of time you’ve been together you should be a kind of Mother figure to her. You bet I’d call my kids brats to my DH if they were acting like brats.
Why don’t you just ask him what’s going on? Why is he being distant? Seems like something has happened that you don’t know about.

 

[lifesavacation]

I have to agree with the others that you have been in his daughter’s life for a long time. I don’t think you can attribute all of her feelings to the Ex-wife.

I’m sure others will chime in with advice. The only advice I’ll offer is that I would not say anything negative about his daughter. Ever. It’s obviously an issue for your boyfriend.

My sister is a recovering addict and has mental health issues. She’s treated people very poorly. I can be honest about my sister and her faults to my dad. However, he gets very very defensive with his girlfriend if she says anything, even when we both say the same thing. I think this is a pretty normal response.

 

[sk!mom]

I will have to disagree with you that a badmouthing ex spouse could not create problems. At the end of the day, DD's loyalty is to her mother- as it should be.
I will agreee with you that, yes, at this point my issue is with HIM. Neither of us can control how his daughter feels about me, but imo he can show me support by insisting that his daughter show basic manners to me when we are together.

I agree that a badmouthing ex can create huge problems but the larger problem is that your BF does't see a relationship there. He doesn't think that you care for her and doesn't stand up for you.

 

[Positive]

You have badmouthed his DD to him? Wow, this does not sound like a relationship that has developed in a healthy way. Honestly, no one is going to feel like you care about their children if you call them names.

That is an over exaggerated statement. I told him she behaved like a brat to me at his sister's house. I had not seen her in quite some time, I felt nervous because we had not talked in quite awhile, but there we were, at the same family party. I had planned to ask her about how college was going & also tell her how sorry I was that her dog at her dad's house died. She ignored me & walked out the door. It was not only upsetting to me, but to my BF's family as well. Some there said far worse than I would ever think to say, it's really not my style.

 

[sk!mom]

That is an over exaggerated statement. I told him she behaved like a brat to me at his sister's house. I had not seen her in quite some time, I felt nervous because we had not talked in quite awhile, but there we were, at the same family party. I had planned to ask her about how college was going & also tell her how sorry I was that her dog at her dad's house died. She ignored me & walked out the door. It was not only upsetting to me, but to my BF's family as well. Some there said far worse than I would ever think to say, it's really not my style.

She's young- you're an adult- This situation sounds like a time where it would have been wise for you to take the high road, be the adult, and not escalate the situation. Instead you called her a brat and things got ugly.

Honestly, an 18 year relationship that hasn't progressed to marriage or living together...I don't really know what to say.

 

[Positive]

I agree that a badmouthing ex can create huge problems but the larger problem is that your BF does't see a relationship there. He doesn't think that you care for her and doesn't stand up for you.

What I can say is that I text her Happy Birthday or good luck when she heads back to school or hope you feel better when I hear through the grapevine that she is sick. I get no response. I would love to have a relationship, even a simple one, but she isn't willing to engage & I have had to accept that.
I agree that my issue is with my BF, in that my actions have never said I don't care or I'm not interested yet he becomes defensive or chooses to withhold info about such a major part of his life.

 

[VandVsmama]

His daughter will always come before you. Especially since his daughter hates your guts.

And after 18 years with this guy, if he hasn't married you by now, he never will. You've wasted most of your adult life with this guy. Don't waste any more time with him. Go and date somebody who is actually ready to make a real commitment to you. You deserve that.

 

[Positive]

She's young- you're an adult- This situation sounds like a time where it would have been wise for you to take the high road, be the adult, and not escalate the situation. Instead you called her a brat and things got ugly.

Honestly, an 18 year relationship that hasn't progressed to marriage or living together...I don't really know what to say.

Thanks for responding but you are hung up on the fact that I called her a brat as the main issue, it isn't. I am an adult, in a long term committed relationship so please don't minimize what we have together. I assure you I take it as seriously as any married person would.

 

[Positive]

His daughter will always come before you. Especially since his daughter hates your guts.

And after 18 years with this guy, if he hasn't married you by now, he never will. You've wasted most of your adult life with this guy. Don't waste any more time with him. Go and date somebody who is actually ready to make a real commitment to you. You deserve that.

Again, I'm really not hung up on not being married. I have never been married. I am a self supporting person that has raised 3 children. I don't feel that I have wasted my life at all. Suppose I was married with this same issue, would it have been a wasted life? That's rough.

 

[lifesavacation]

What I can say is that I text her Happy Birthday or good luck when she heads back to school or hope you feel better when I hear through the grapevine that she is sick. I get no response. I would love to have a relationship, even a simple one, but she isn't willing to engage & I have had to accept that.
I agree that my issue is with my BF, in that my actions have never said I don't care or I'm not interested yet he becomes defensive or chooses to withhold info about such a major part of his life.

Would you accept it if one of your kids wouldn’t engage? I wouldn’t. If you want to stay in the relationship, you’ll have to keep trying to improve the relationship with the daughter. If you’ve disengaged, it may seem like you don’t care.

 

[Positive]

Would you accept it if one of your kids wouldn’t engage? I wouldn’t. If you want to stay in the relationship, you’ll have to keep trying to improve the relationship with the daughter. If you’ve disengaged, it may seem like you don’t care.

Correct, I would not accept one of my kids being blatantly disrespectful to my BF. I would be having words with said child to let them know they were raised to have manners. I understand that he can't make his daughter do something she doesn't want to or feel a certain way when she doesn't. I will continue to engage but any relationship is a two way street. Thanks for listening.