Relationship Struggle

You chose to quote one comment from page 1. Early in the thread and before the OP edited her original post, the major problem seemed to be that bad feelings had developed between her and the boyfriend's DD.
I see that there was more to the story but I haven't gotten that far.
 
Yes, he does. Think of anything a father does for his kids (coaching, attending recitals, coming to school open house, homework, help with anything they need) he has done all of these things for my kids as well as his own DD over all the years I have known him.
I would also like to explain that my DDs don't have their actual bio father in their lives. My sons bio father was lackluster at best during his younger years. My DBF has been very comfortable being vocal with my kids in terms of calling them out on their behavior or when they needed to be redirected. I always backed off of doing the same with his DD when she was growing up because anything I said to her, she would tell her mother when she went back to her. This could be something as simple as "please eat over your plate". His DD, would tell her mother I said that & it would be turned into a major issue.
Hmmm, I wonder if one of the reasons she has such animosity towards you is rooted in some jelousy fomr this: she had to share her dad with your kids, but you didn't fully act like a mother to her. Right or wrong (I get you backed off to stop drama from her mother) that could be hard on a kid to see for years. Did you do the "fun" stuff for her like her dad did for your kids? COach or volunteer at school or whatnot?
 
Finally read the whole thread. You're getting a ton of good advice. I have two things to add or reiterate:

1) You say the mom bad-mouthed you and you think that contributed to the sudden hatred DD has for you. Yet you interfered in a relationship she had 2 years ago but you don't want to look into why the "tire went flat". What matters is it is flat.
Nope, sorry, doesn't work that way. You don't get to blame mom for the issues DD has with you then deny your own culpability. You owe her an apology. To seek advice from a professional therapist over a teenage relationship is so extreme. "DD, I shouldn't have interfered in your relationship with Nephew. I am sorry and truly hope we can move past this."

2) I agree with PP. You "testing" DBF about Thanksgiving plans was not a good idea. It's like college girls who get their girlfriends to "tempt" their boyfriends to see if they'd stray. And I also agree that if your relationship was as committed as you feel it is, you wouldn't have questioned where he was spending his holidays.

Frankly, I don't care that you all don't live together. That would never work for our family dynamic, but that's fine. What you DO need to evaluate is how committed he truly is. And I don't have a problem that his daughter comes first. DH and I put our kids first, after all, we chose to have them. And it sounds like you have the same philosophy. "It was a busy time for me with adopting my two DD, I didn't want to cause more turmoil for them" (paraphrased). That was putting them ahead of your relationship with BF, which I would have done as well.
 
They find DDs behavior towards me horrible & also have expressed frustration that my DBF doesnt take more of a stand with her.

Once again, you have just pretty much established that your problem is with your DBF....
You do not have a real committed relationship, no matter how much wool you have pulled over your eyes.

He was not fully-committed, or even available to be fully committed, when you met him.
That has never changed.

Any expectation that he would expect others to treat you with respect, like a man might be expected to require others to treat his wife with respect, is just total and unfounded wishful thinking.

BTDT with my inlaws who never treated me with any respect.... I woke up one day and realized I didn't have an in-law problem, I had a MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP problem.
 


.... but have seen very little change despite promises for him to be be more aware. I don't feel like my life would be over if we were no longer together, but I would be crushed. I have had to wonder myself if the fact that he is not doing his part to take care of "us" is a conscious or unconscious decision to simply let our relationship go.

Why??? Why are you waiting for it to be him to decide to 'crush' you and end a so-called committed relationship that was never really a committed relationship.

You really need to do some heavy soul searching here, into your own decisions, feelings, motivations.
 
I didn't/couldn't read through all 12 pages here, but I wanted to offer some quick thoughts:

  • Regarding marriage: if marriage is important to both of you, then you should do it. Don't do it just because you think people expect you to. I can't imagine that being married (as opposed to living together) will make or break a relationship.
  • It isn't hard to see that a person (your BF, for example) can love and respect two different people who do not like each other. Imagine the spot that he is in, trying to maintain two close relationships with people who won't be in the same house as each other. It has to be a terrible strain and I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to discuss his daughter with you. It is a major source of stress for him.
  • Finally, I wouldn't take it as a major slight that you aren't invited to events where his daughter will be. Again, it is the only way to make the situation work. Forcing him to choose between you and his daughter is going to be hurtful and, most likely, counterproductive for all involved. I can't know what your relationship is like with him outside of this issue, but if it is a good one, I would advise you to look past the daughter-related issues and focus on all of the positive aspects of your relationship.
 


I have conflicted feelings about the whole children come first philosophy. I agree that when your children are young, it must be that way because they rely on you for everything. You are their entire world. As they grow up, I feel like couples need to be sure they are taking care of the needs of their partner & making them the priority otherwise, once your children are grown, what are you left with? Two adults that have drifted apart but have kids together.

Do you have children? Because I feel like this was written by someone who doesn't have children...
 
Yes, I have a strong relationship with his entire family, sans DD & they all know of this struggle. They find DDs behavior towards me horrible & also have expressed frustration that my DBF doesnt take more of a stand with her. The family members that witnessed that incident were visibly bothered. My DBFs father had very choice words for her.

I think this is very important information. You need to tell DBF that when there are family events, that you expect that you will be going. If his DD doesn't like it, she can choose to go or not now that she is an adult. She doesn't get to have a tantrum or demand that you aren't there. It sounds like his family is fed up with her attitude as well and DBF is just making it worse. It would also help if the rest of his family would tell him that they want you at these events. If you are particularly close to any of them, could you talk to them about doing this?
 
Why? I have a daughter and while her needs came before DH and I as a couple when she was young, now that she is an adult that is no longer the case.

Really? You don’t think your relationship with your spouse should be your priority? (Especially when your children are grown, like the poster you quoted mentioned)

I'm not trying to ruffle anyone's feathers here...

My interpretation of what was being stated was that if you have an adult daughter (for example) and you have to choose between that daughter and your spouse/BF/GF (whether or not that person if your daughter's birth parent) that it should be an easy decision in favor of the spouse/BF/GF. And my point is that most parents wouldn't view this as an easy decision.

That's all.

EDIT: I'd also add that I would feel very conflicted about the whole thing and that it is possible that I wouldn't be able to "decide" either way...and I'd just try to muddle though as best as I could.

EDIT 2: Also, in regard to:

once your children are grown, what are you left with?

I'd say I'm left with an adult son or daughter, which is something to be highly valued, not thought of as a completed job.
 
I'd say I'm left with an adult son or daughter, which is something to be highly valued, not thought of as a completed job.

Yes, and I think one of the points is unless your significant other is truly abusive either emotionally, physically or there was something truly damaging about your relationship, one would hope that the adult child could learn to interact with your significant other in a respectful manner.

People are saying the boyfriend should not just give into the daughter and not see the OP. Since she is an adult she really needs to learn to deal with it.
 
one would hope that the adult child could learn to interact with your significant other in a respectful manner.

You're right. But, reading between the lines, there seems to be 18+ years of baggage that has accumulated between the OP and the daughter. Sometimes, with that amount of baggage, things aren't going to change.
 
I'm not trying to ruffle anyone's feathers here...

My interpretation of what was being stated was that if you have an adult daughter (for example) and you have to choose between that daughter and your spouse/BF/GF (whether or not that person if your daughter's birth parent) that it should be an easy decision in favor of the spouse/BF/GF. And my point is that most parents wouldn't view this as an easy decision.

That's all.

EDIT: I'd also add that I would feel very conflicted about the whole thing and that it is possible that I wouldn't be able to "decide" either way...and I'd just try to muddle though as best as I could.

EDIT 2: Also, in regard to:



I'd say I'm left with an adult son or daughter, which is something to be highly valued, not thought of as a completed job.

Point one: That was not how I read that at all. No one was saying it’s an easy/obvious choice between a child and spouse. We were not talking about “choosing between”; we were talking about not always giving priority to the child. Even what you quoted didn’t say anything about picking one and getting rid of the other. It’s talking about making the spouse/partner relationship a priority and not always putting the (grown) child’s needs/wants first.

As for the second part— I’m fairly certain that you must know that’s not what that question means. “What are you left with?” is specifically referring to the relationship. If you have constantly put the child first and have never invested any time or effort into your relationship with your spouse, when the child grows up and moves out you may find that there’s nothing left (of the marriage).
 
It’s talking about making the spouse/partner relationship a priority and not always putting the (grown) child’s needs/wants first.

Like I said, I have not read through all of this thread, so maybe I'm missing some important background information. But, it sounded to me like the OP was working up to asking the BF to choose: DD or me. I'm just pointing out that that is a pretty extreme position for a parent to be in and that the OP shouldn't be surprised if the BF chooses the DD. Objectively speaking, looking at it from an outsiders perspective, should the BF wash his hands of DD because of whatever reasons? Maybe! But, when I look at it through the BF's eyes, it is very hard for me to see him choosing the OP over DD, if it comes to that.

If you have constantly put the child first and have never invested any time or effort into your relationship with your spouse, when the child grows up and moves out you may find that there’s nothing left (of the marriage).

You're not wrong, but for two people to raise a child together and then have their relationship/marriage fall apart seems pretty extreme. I'm not saying it doesn't happen...I'm certain it does...but I wouldn't think it common. Additionally, I really did take it to mean that the OP was saying that once a (in this case) daughter is grown up that they will move away from you, leaving you lonely and used up. Then you have only have your spouse to fall back on. I was just pointing out that when children grow up they are still a part of your life.

I wish the OP the best. She must be in a very terrible way to come to this message board (as great as it is) looking for advice with something so personal. I hope she gets the help she needs and that things work out, whether with or without the BF.
 
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Like I said, I have not read through all of this thread, so maybe I'm missing some important background information. But, it sounded to me like the OP was working up to asking the BF to choose: DD or me. I'm just pointing out that that is a pretty extreme position for a parent to be in and that the OP shouldn't be surprised if the BF chooses the DD.

Okay, I see where you’re coming from.

The comments about putting a priority on your relationship were all part of a tangent conversation about commitment in marriage (since the OP emphasized the “committed” aspect of her relationship) so that’s how I read them. As a general discussion about valuing your spouse.

Certainly it would be an unimaginable ultimatum to ask someone to choose between their spouse/partner and child. I could never imagine being out in such a position. That is not how I read any of those comments in their context, so that’s why I thought you were being a bit extreme. Your first comment seemed quite dismissive and to imply that anyone who values and prioritizes their relationship with their spouse can’t possibly be a (good) parent.
 
I think the real problem in this situation is not with his daughter, but your perceived relationship that you have with her father. You may be in a committed relationship, but I see this as totally one-sided. Thanksgiving was your proof, you let him make the decision and it wasn't to be with you. You have invested a lot of years in this relationship, you really need to see that it's not going anywhere.
 
My nephew is my actual "blood" family. I'm not sure what worldview I'm trying to impose on anyone, so not sure what to say about that.
Adoption is complicated, that is a whole different subject. Yes, adolescents bring challenges but let me tell you, so does a neglected 2 year old. There were many, many tough days.
If your nephew was not living with your stepdaughter why would you care that they dated? I can't understand this.
 

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