Relationship Struggle

[tzolkin]

If your nephew was not living with your stepdaughter why would you care that they dated? I can't understand this.

This thread has really exposed me to different viewpoints.

I can’t imagine anyone I know who would NOT be upset about step siblings dating, yet so many keep posting that they see it as absolutely no issue at all.

Aside from the “dating”, the girl’s mother had also moved him into her home so they were living together. Again, most people I know would be very upset if their teenage child was living with a girlfriend/boyfriend; even more so that the other parent encouraged it.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

not sure at some point whether he will end up choosing between you and his daughter. The daughter is an adult, right? maybe just be prepared for that to happen at some point and for him to choose the daughter.

 

[arubio0801]

Speaking from the other side, My father dated and married a women my junior year of high school. She was pure awful we didn't have a relationship at all. My father picked her over me and my sister. My father told us to deal with it I never once said she couldn't go to family events or didn't go bc she was going. I just kept my distance and was pleasant, I think you have to respect your parents BF/GF whether you have to like them or not is up to you.

 

[tcufrog]

This thread has really exposed me to different viewpoints.

I can’t imagine anyone I know who would NOT be upset about step siblings dating, yet so many keep posting that they see it as absolutely no issue at all.

Aside from the “dating”, the girl’s mother had also moved him into her home so they were living together. Again, most people I know would be very upset if their teenage child was living with a girlfriend/boyfriend; even more so that the other parent encouraged it.

I found it interesting that you've ignored the posters who stated that perhaps they didn't view each other as step siblings.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

This thread has really exposed me to different viewpoints.

I can’t imagine anyone I know who would NOT be upset about step siblings dating, yet so many keep posting that they see it as absolutely no issue at all.

Aside from the “dating”, the girl’s mother had also moved him into her home so they were living together. Again, most people I know would be very upset if their teenage child was living with a girlfriend/boyfriend; even more so that the other parent encouraged it.

At no time were these kids living in the same home. At no time were these kids considered step siblings either.

 

[Marchand63]

All I can think is if you do know if anything happens to him, you have no say

You are just the GF, no rights, no say, just done.

Sorry after 18 years I couldn’t be pushed aside which it seems you will be.
Marry or out !

 

[Wishing on a star]

All I can think is if you do know if anything happens to him, you have no say

You are just the GF, no rights, no say, just done....

Yes, THIS.... Very well said.

Thank you Marchand63

 

[tzolkin]

I found it interesting that you've ignored the posters who stated that perhaps they didn't view each other as step siblings.

I haven’t ignored anything. I fully acknowledge that it’s extremely likely that the two teens did not view each other as step siblings. But, the OP did.

We aren’t discussing the kids. We’re discussing the OPs negative reaction. In my opinion, it’s similar to what most parents’ (who consider their children step siblings) reactions would be, so I’m simply trying to see it from her viewpoint.


I do find it odd that the vast majority of people on this thread would have absolutely no issue at all with their partner’s ex-wife (or really any adult) encouraging their teenage son to move in with their teenage daughter. I know people have differing opinions, but I really would have thought it would be at least a 50/50 split.

So, even if we completely ignore the step-sibling aspect, I can still see why the OP and her partner would be upset by the relationship (two teenagers moving in together) and want to intervene.

 

[ThistleMae]

I have witnessed first hand, for the very first time a relationship between father and daughter that blew my mind. We were staying at my cousin's condo in Florida, Disney vacation. Her and her husband each have grown children there. We had our entire schedule mapped out for the parks and both the adult kids were coming. We kept in touch with my cousin's son via facebook to coordinate plans. He was very grateful and told us whatever we wanted to do, he and his wife were flexible. Her husband's daughter was informed and we tried to get info regarding her work schedule, and what day she wanted to join us. There were many unreturned phone calls, and it wasn't until we were there that she would call and tell us what she could do, which was not built into our plans because she never called us back, even though we tried over and over again to get her to commit to something. So we rearranged everything to meet her needs. Then once she came, we changed our fP's to include her, and the day she came was our HS day. Then she says "I don't want to go to HS, I went there last year. She wanted to go to AK. So, I kept my schedule and told them I'd meet up. My cousin didn't want to go back to AK she wanted to stick with the plan and spend the time with her son, but her husband wanted her to hang out at AK with him and his daughter. She was told the line for FOP would be long and it was very hot in the park. So they go. She decides she doesn't want to wait in line for FOP, she says she feels sick because it's too hot and they go on the Safari ride and that was it. This same thing went on and on for two days. Every single thing she wanted to do, whether it was where we were going to eat, what time we were going and anything else, all ended up being dictated by this daughter, who never not once considered any of our plans or even bothered to ask us what we had planned. And...by the way she is 28 years old! I was mortified. It was not an enjoyable time. My cousin gets super annoyed and says it's always like this when it comes to his daughter, but she just rolls with it because it isn't going to change. As for me, any vacations that include his daughter will not include me...LOL!

 

[Nancyg56]

I think the real problem in this situation is not with his daughter, but your perceived relationship that you have with her father. You may be in a committed relationship, but I see this as totally one-sided. Thanksgiving was your proof, you let him make the decision and it wasn't to be with you. You have invested a lot of years in this relationship, you really need to see that it's not going anywhere.

Exactly. My neighbor divorced his first wife after episodes with drugs, alcohol and infidelity on her part. Their two children were grown, although the youngest was a jr or sr in HS at that time. He rekindled a relationship with a woman he had know since high school, and they were off to the races. Sort of. At first he was all aglow over her children and grandchildren. Enjoyed them, but that was before she moved in with him. And then it changed. He was very much committed to his first wife in practice, and placed his children over hers, but he also expected her to do the same thing. Oh, she tried...believe me she tried. She said she was not doing so, but it was clear to everyone. This went on for ever. Years. And every argument she blamed his kids, he blamed hers. I was very clear: no one should try to come between a parent and children, no choices should be forced. You are ether in our you are out. She said I did not understand, my husband adored our granddaughter, and was a real father to our (my) children. We were always a blended family, and would never have tolerated my DH asking me to make choices, however my children would not have been allowed to ask that either. My neighbors were always looking to blame someone else for the failure in their own relationship.

OP- You have managed to create a relationship in your own world that does not exist in his, IMO. You tested him, and he failed the test. Of course he did, and you knew he would, I bet. If you have to test a man's commitment to you, you have no commitment.

 

[Skywalker]

This thread has really exposed me to different viewpoints.

I can’t imagine anyone I know who would NOT be upset about step siblings dating, yet so many keep posting that they see it as absolutely no issue at all.

Aside from the “dating”, the girl’s mother had also moved him into her home so they were living together. Again, most people I know would be very upset if their teenage child was living with a girlfriend/boyfriend; even more so that the other parent encouraged it.

I haven’t ignored anything. I fully acknowledge that it’s extremely likely that the two teens did not view each other as step siblings. But, the OP did.

We aren’t discussing the kids. We’re discussing the OPs negative reaction. In my opinion, it’s similar to what most parents’ (who consider their children step siblings) reactions would be, so I’m simply trying to see it from her viewpoint.


I do find it odd that the vast majority of people on this thread would have absolutely no issue at all with their partner’s ex-wife (or really any adult) encouraging their teenage son to move in with their teenage daughter. I know people have differing opinions, but I really would have thought it would be at least a 50/50 split.

So, even if we completely ignore the step-sibling aspect, I can still see why the OP and her partner would be upset by the relationship (two teenagers moving in together) and want to intervene.

But the bottom line is they are not step-siblings in any way. OP and boyfriend are not married nor even living together, nor did the OP raise the daughter as her own. To call them step siblings is more than a stretch - it's simply untrue. Even if the OP wants to pretend they are. And similarly, just because the OP thinks the mom is mentally ill and toxic (yet the dad allowed her to have custody for some reason?) doesn't mean that's true either. As for the mother allowing the boyfriend to move in, probably not the decision I would have made but then again since the mother is being used as a scape goat for everything I am assuming there is probably a little more context to that tale.

 

[rajak73]

OP- You have managed to create a relationship in your own world that does not exist in his, IMO. You tested him, and he failed the test. Of course he did, and you knew he would, I bet. If you have to test a man's commitment to you, you have no commitment.

Exactly why I said OP was a "convenience" and not in a relationship, when BF "needed" something, it was a committed relationship and when the BF didn't "need" anything, he was doing yard work or with his family to which OP wasn't invited. I have a SIL that's in kinda the same "relationship" for the last 15 years, stays in same house, not in same bed, he owns the house, she pays him rent, my DW and I both agree, she is just a unpaid (how do we put this nicely?) lady of the evening. The DW and I have been in a "committed relationship" for the last 44 years, do we get along with everyone on both sides? NO, but, if one of us was left out of a invitation to the others family event, neither of us are going. That's a "committed relationship" Please, find yourself someone that really wants a "committed relationship" and not just use you as a "convenience".

 

[Wishing on a star]

The above post is very true....
I would point out, however, that I am not so sure that the OP actually DOES want (or 'has wanted') a committed relationship.
I did ask her, rhetorically, of course... "What do YOU really want'.
I think the OP needs to take a deeper look at her own decisions and motivations.

All of this extraneous stuff, and details, about the DD, Thanksgiving, etc... are really not important enough to be focused on.

 

[ThistleMae]

I think the OP is making more of this than necessary. If she isn't even considering living with him, never mind marriage, they have two separate lives, and come together when they want. She can still have a relationship with him and have her own life. Let it go! Or leave! Pick one.

 

[ronandannette]

@Positive - this thread has been open for a week now; how are things going with your BF? Have you discussed any of the ideas put forward here?

 

[Positive]

Hmmm, I wonder if one of the reasons she has such animosity towards you is rooted in some jelousy fomr this: she had to share her dad with your kids, but you didn't fully act like a mother to her. Right or wrong (I get you backed off to stop drama from her mother) that could be hard on a kid to see for years. Did you do the "fun" stuff for her like her dad did for your kids? COach or volunteer at school or whatnot?

Yes, I went to her games, recitals, we did volunteer work together, school events, vacations. I am not all that athletically inclined to coach anybody doing any type of sport, lol. I would definitely go to a field, all of us, to practice techniques.

Speaking from the other side, My father dated and married a women my junior year of high school. She was pure awful we didn't have a relationship at all. My father picked her over me and my sister. My father told us to deal with it I never once said she couldn't go to family events or didn't go bc she was going. I just kept my distance and was pleasant, I think you have to respect your parents BF/GF whether you have to like them or not is up to you.

Thanks for posting. It is helpful to hear from you as someone from the "other side"- the child's viewpoint. I am not expecting my DBF to choose between me & his DD. I am sorry if you were made to feel that way. I would never put him or anyone in a position to "choose between". I am not looking to be the winner nor am I looking for a contest. I am hoping for a cordial relationship at a minimum with her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Seeing this reply....

Looks like more 'justification'......
How, she must have believed, and still does???, that they were a committed family (mother/daughter dynamic). So, because of her own personal perception, and wishful thinking, they really must have been.
More efforts by the OP to explain that she hasn't done anything wrong.
So, she is still hoping, upon hope, that her wishful thinking will someday make it so.

All of which is totally moot.
The girl has her own mother...
The OP doesn't have to ask him to choose... for him to make his choice.

 

[Positive]

I found it interesting that you've ignored the posters who stated that perhaps they didn't view each other as step siblings.

We never referred to our kids as step siblings. They clearly did not see each other that way once their relationship took flight.

At no time were these kids living in the same home. At no time were these kids considered step siblings either.

They did live together once my DBF's ex wife allowed him to move into her home.
His DD was in high school & we both found it totally inappropriate & inconceivable.

 

[Positive]

@Positive - this thread has been open for a week now; how are things going with your BF? Have you discussed any of the ideas put forward here?

I apologize that I have not posted/responded. I was away at WDW with my family, a wonderful trip to celebrate my mom.
I have read & thought about the advice & opinions expressed here daily. Before leaving, my DBF & I talked about where & why we are struggling with each other. I let him know what I need from him, i.e.: sharing info, news, etc about his DD, that it is disrespectful to me as a person & us as a couple to keep a major part of his life closed off. Though many here have expressed that we are a "loss" because we are not married or living together, this is not an issue to me. Maybe someday it will be down the road, but today it is not. I love this man, we DO have a life together. We have laughed, cried, planned together, supported each other, cared about one another's families & kids, gone out of our way to think of one another & what would make life better/easier for the other, we give each other advice & call each other on the carpet when needed. I still appreciate those views/opinions. I am secure with myself to hear a differing opinion.
When I came home, my DBF was clearly making an effort to share & it's a start. I am a realistic person & I know there is a long way to go.
I would like to offer a better explanation about Thanksgiving, since it pushed some DISers buttons about my actions (i.e.:not bringing up the subject of the holiday & instead waiting for him to do so). Here it goes...This is a man that I see or at a minimum speak to every day. In all of the years before there was strife between his DD & I, he would absolutely be asking me about Thanksgiving plans-what's on the menu, will I be sure to make sweet potato soufflé, he loves it, what time will we be eating, what does he need to bring, he would remind me that HE will bring up the extra table & chairs so I don't hurt my back again. 2 years ago, he opted to go to his sister's for Thanksgiving & let me know last minute. This past year, he said nothing. During every conversation we had leading up to the day, he evaded the subject of Thanksgiving-maybe out of conflict of where & how & with whom he was going to spend the day. I deserved more than that & I let him know it. It was unacceptable & can never happen again.
I have not ruled out seeing a couples therapist together, although I also know that nobody is as invested in us as we are in each other. If we are both going to work this out, we are the ones that need to figure out how & what works for us. In the end we are only accountable to each other. I know this year will be a turning point for us -if it is more of the same, I know I will not be able to continue in our relationship. If we can find common ground out of respect for each other to BOTH share details about our kids & he would need to an all around better job at navigating things with his DD & me I would know that we turned a corner.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If they lived in that home together, still in high school.... YES, of course I would agree.

But, what I am saying now is, that point is moot. Meaningless....
Then, as now, you have absolutely no say so.
You were not, and are not, in any kind of a committed relationship with any opinions or concerns or say-so.
That is what you have to get past....
Either accept it... or walk away....

There is absolutely no question, whatsoever, about where his commitments lie.