S/O of Christmas Dishes...When is it Time to Let Someone Else Host?

[Wendy31]

My mom is 70 this year, & DH's mom is in her mid-70s. They have just now started relinquishing some of the holiday hostess duties within the last 2-3 years.

On my side, there are currently 13 of us for family get-togethers.

I have taken over Thanksgiving from my mom & host Thanksgiving at our house. However, my mom still wants Easter & Christmas at her house.

My sister & I each contribute 2-3 dishes for the holiday gatherings that my parents host at their house. We also help w/ the preparation & clean-up.

On DH's side, there are currently 20 for family get-togethers (including some new great grandchildren) - sometimes more when girlfriends/boyfriends are added.

DH's mom, who is in her mid 70s, would still do all the holidays if she could (& she never likes anyone bringing any dishes - she wants to do it all! LOL!), but his dad is not doing well.

DH's older brother & his wife host Easter & Thanksgiving at their house, mainly for his wife's side of the family, but they usually invite DH's parents to join them.

While DH's mother has stopped hosting Easter & Thanksgiving due to DH's dad's health, she still likes to, at least, have Christmas at their house. So, I assume we'll probably still have some kind of family Christmas celebration at DH's parents' house this year as well.

Both DH's mom & my mom host Christmas Eve at their respective houses. DH & I invite our parents to join us for Christmas Day dinner.

I honestly cannot fathom either my mom or DH's mom ever voluntarily giving up hosting a Christmas celebration at their houses. But that's mine & DH's moms. Everyone is different.

If you feel like you're ready to pass the baton or have part of your Christmas celebration at a restaurant, that's fine - especially if hosting has become burdensome for you. I'm sure your family would not want to burden you, & maybe, if you talk to your children, together, you all can plan a Christmas celebration w/ some new traditions.

EDITED TO ADD: However, if you are truly ready to give up hosting, be prepared for your children & their families to be content to split up into their nuclear families for their own Christmas celebrations. Since your son hosts Thanksgiving, he & his family may not want Christmas as well, & your daughter may not be able or want to host Christmas.

 

[aprilgail]

You should all just go out to a restaurant if no one in your family wants to take over the holiday meal. I really don't like hosting holiday dinners- in fact I don't even like cooking holiday dinners for just a few people- we tend to go out to eat on Thanksgiving and Christmas- I really hate Thanksgiving-the whole day of cooking and cooking just to have it eaten in 10 minutes and then have to clean up- no thanks! When my daughter was little at Christmas I used to like to stay home the whole day because I remember as a kid opening up all those great gifts only to be told a couple hours later "ok have to get dressed and go to the aunts for Christmas"-I hated it every year and I always said I would never make my kids do that. When she was little I loved just waking up, throwing on a pair of sweats for the day, opening gifts and just hanging out playing with her and her new toys all day long, nothing beat that!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I grew up with Christmas being just at my house with my parents (I am an only child) and my dad usually had to work.
DH's family is large (4 siblings) and usually gathers at his parents' place for Christmas. Some years we've travelled there, others not. Once, when we lived nearish by, we asked to host. DSiL has hosted a couple of times, especially if her in laws are in town--so that her parents do not feel obligated to add more people to their invite list.
One year an aunt of DH who lives an hour away did a huge party for all the extended family at her place. Twice my in laws have gone on vacation and the smaller family units all did their own things.

If the "default" of everyone in the area going to my in-laws' place isn'T going to happen for whatever reasons, it is always discussed in late summer or early fall so people can plan. No one expects my anyone to have to host, or gets bent out of shape if they don't, and everyone tries to pitch in to the extent we can---even those who work full time are fly in for the holiday.

Not sure how many there are of you but I would let everyone know now that you are not planning on hosting. I would then give some options. 1) someone else takes the reigns, 2) pizza party 3) a nice restaurant dinner (you could probably reserve a room or portion of the restaurant) and everyone pays their own way. I think if you're looking to make the change- now is the time to let everyone know.

I was thinking along these lines too. It's not your job to figure out who will host, or if the new tradition will be exactly like the old---but it is totally OK to say you are no longer hosting, and offer a couple of "no one hosts" options if nobody jumps in. BUT, it is best to bring it up now---many people like a lot of lead time to host an event like a family Christmas.

 

[mummabear]

I have been hosting Christmas since I was 20 years old. I'm 60 now so that's 40 years of hosting family Christmas gatherings. DH doesn't get involved much, it mostly falls on me to do it all.

My Mom passed away this summer so Christmas is going to be a bit difficult this year, and we just became great-grandparents a couple of weeks ago so a new branch of our family tree has started. The older grands like to bring their current boyfriend/girlfriend, and our DS and DIL have taken in another teen (DIL's sister's child) so as always we will have a houseful and truthfully I'm thinking it might be time to let someone else take over.

We always have to move the furniture in our family room, because of the way it sits normally, to be able to accommodate everyone and the last couple of years have seemed like it's been more work than enjoyable. And of course there is the clean up after everyone leaves.

Our DS and DIL host Thanksgiving every year, so I'm not sure they would want to take over the Christmas gathering as well. DD has never hosted any holiday dinner. She says their house is too small, yet they have both sides of the family over for their children's birthday parties and somehow everyone fits so to me that is kind of just an excuse. She does work full-time though, so doesn't have a lot of time, like I do (retired) to prepare for a big holiday gathering.

I've also thought of renting the township hall and just having the family gather there. But then I'd be hauling the food, drinks, etc. so I don't know if that would be any better really.

We've also thought about taking everyone out for pizza (we don't have our gathering on Christmas Day, but a weekend or two before the actual holiday) and then just have everyone come here for dessert/gifts.

I'm just not sure what to do. So, my questions are: Do you host family Christmas gatherings at your house? Or do you take turns with other family members? If you did host, but have now turned it over to someone else, how old were you when that happened and what were the circumstances that caused you to decide to let someone else take over?

It sure sounds like something needs to change for you.
Do the other people coming bring dishes to contribute or does it all fall on you?

My family of 4 moved to the other side of the world when I was a child so most of our Christmases were just the 4 of us, my brother had a son who he gained custody of so we became a 5, the. I met DH, then we had 3 kids hen my brother got married so we are now at a massive family of 10!
We did dinners at my parents until I had our first then it moved to our house (with my parents and I cooking)
My brother and I have had a bit of a falling out over how Christmas should work and so 2 years ago we did it with just my 5 and my parents and he did his own with them and last Christmas we escaped back to canada for Christmas and avoided the drama! Who knows how it will work this year but I expect it will be just my family and my parents again

 

[Southernmiss]

My grandmother hosted Christmas Eve until she was 83.

I took it over 14 years ago. Christmas Eve is a store bought lasagne, chicken tenders and other appetizers and desserts served on paper plates. Pretty easy prep and clean up. Folks know the menu and volunteer to bring something along those lines. My siblings and their families and parents come about 25 of us in all.

Our place is 2100 square feet, but feeling small as the family grows. I actually want to move to another place in a few years for more room to host.

My gran hosted for 45 plus years. I hope to do the same.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Maybe you are extra drained this year because of the loss of your mother and all the work and emotions that were involved. Totally understandable.

If you decide to do it this year, make it easier on yourself. There are lots of ways to do that. Hire a cleaner to clean, or spread out your cleaning in the weeks leading up to your holiday. Keep your holiday decorations very simple. Use paper plates and plastic silverware. Have others help with the cooking - everyone brings something ready to go. Or order food. (To me, that still involves having the oven on and heating everything up unless you can pick it up hot.) Let people sit on sofas to eat if they want rather than having a formal, sit down dinner. As others have said, the point is that everyone gets together and has a nice day. Keep that in perspective.

We have adapted our holidays on both sides as the years have progressed and we've lost people and others have moved, etc. Plus I work many holidays so sometimes I have to have them with my family at off times or miss them altogether. We are definitely of the mindset to keep it easy. Everyone's busy today and money is tight for many people. Even agreements about gifting help lessen the stress. It sounds like you have a large family and they enjoy coming to your house. I suspect you enjoy it, too, but maybe this year might be difficult for you. I'd say either find ways to make it easier at your home, or let someone else take it over. (My only thought about the latter being that next year you might have more energy and want to go back to hosting again, will that be difficult if someone else feels they're taking over? Just a thought.)

 

[mousefanmichelle]

My MIL is 82 and continues to host Christmas Eve at her house. She will have a ham or deli meat for sandwiches and the rest of us women bring the other things to compliment the main dish she has. She uses paper plates, plastic forks, etc to make it eaiser on herself. I could see last year it was tough for her and my FIL so I am not sure when things will change and she hands over the baton but I can't imagine anytime soon. There is usually 16 of us or so that are there for the evening.

For myself I took over Christmas day dinner about 16 years ago for my side of the family. I did everything - my oldest sister would bring a dish but that was it. The last couple of years I would have upwards of 20+ people at my house and no one lifted a finger to help. Last summer my father passed away and my own kids said they didn't want to have dinner on Xmas day anymore with my family so I canceled it and we went to a movie and got chinese food. They said it was the best Christmas they have had in a long time. I agreed. I missed my big meal but I didn't miss the work and the drama and how angry I would be at the end of the night when no one offered to bring anything, clean up or say thank you. I felt very taken advantage of. I will say that I know I ticked off a few of my nieces and nephews changing up things but I had to do what was best for myself and my family. They were free to take over but of course that wouldn't happen and I knew it and I didn't care!

I get you - do what makes you happy!!!! Life is short!!!!!!!

 

[MIGrandma]

When our DS got married and had kids, we "passed the baton" as far as hosting Christmas dinner was concerned. However, it sounds as if your DS already hosts Thanksgiving. You could always do what a couple we met at HHI resort one holiday did. She'd hosted Christmas dinner for years and wanted some one else to do it. Since everyone just assumed she'd do it, they (she and her DH) just announced to everyone that the 2 of them were going to HHI for the holiday. Apparently, they told us, everyone yelled about "So now what are we going to do?" As she sat in the hot tub, she told us, "They'll just have to figure something out,"

I've actually thought about taking a short vacation over the Christmas holiday this year. We had always had our big family Christmas gathering ON Christmas Day but several years ago our two adult children and their spouses/families asked if we could get together on a different day so they all could have Christmas Day at home with their own families. I had told them plenty of times before they actually took me up on the offer that it was fine with me if we did it on another day, I totally understood about them wanting to be in their own home ON Christmas Day so it was no problem to switch it to a different day. But, since I'm an only child I just couldn't stand the thought of my Mom being alone ON Christmas Day so for a few years we had her here at our house. The first time I did the traditional turkey dinner, all by myself. She didn't seem to enjoy it much and was ready to go back to her apartment shortly after dinner was finished. The next year I asked her what SHE would like to eat on Christmas. Spaghetti!! Okay! So that's what we had, spaghetti and garlic toast!! She loved it!! Then we got the bright idea to take her out to dinner on Christmas Day, but of course the only restaurants open are Chinese so for the past 3 years that's what we did, took her to a Chinese buffet restaurant and she loved that too!

This year is just going to be SO different with her not with us. I know the "first time" is always the hardest, as we had to deal with that when my Dad passed away almost 10 years ago. So I'm just not sure I'm up to doing all the "Christmas cleaning", cooking and baking and prepping, etc. and hosting the family this year. Or, should I "suck it up" and do it again THIS year and see how it goes? If I could get through THIS year, would it all feel more "back to normal" the NEXT year?

I have always enjoyed hosting, even though it is a lot of work, and to have the family all HERE together. Our oldest granddaughter (24) has said many times her favorite part of Christmas is coming HERE. How would SHE feel if I stopped hosting? Just so much to think about, but I know I need to make a decision SOON so I can let everyone know if there needs to be a change.

Eek, it sounds like you've hosted more than your fair share of Christmas gatherings. I'm not clear; are you doing all the cooking too? Turning it into a potluck could take some of the pressure off but, in any case, if you're tired of hosting you're perfectly within your rights to say you want to pass the torch. If no one else wants to take on that responsibility, oh well. Perhaps it's time to forego the big family get togethers and do smaller, nuclear family celebrations.

No, I'm not doing ALL the cooking. Some years we do brunch. Then I make an overnight breakfast thing (casserole or French Toast) that is made the night before and then just baked in the morning, and I do muffins, juices, etc. Then our kids bring dishes too. One year I did the brunch AND sandwiches, finger foods in the late afternoon. THAT was a bit much, ha ha!! But generally I do ham and turkey sandwiches, cheesy potatoes, veggie tray and dip, sliced meats and cheeses and crackers, and some sort of dessert, also a tray of Christmas candies/cookies. Then our son/wife brings a couple dishes to share, as does our daughter/husband. And the past couple of years our oldest granddaughter has also brought something to share. So not ALL of the food preparation falls on me. And I do use holiday themed paper plates/napkins/cups, and plastic cutlery so there aren't a lot of dishes to do.

Not sure how many there are of you but I would let everyone know now that you are not planning on hosting. I would then give some options. 1) someone else takes the reigns, 2) pizza party 3) a nice restaurant dinner (you could probably reserve a room or portion of the restaurant) and everyone pays their own way. I think if you're looking to make the change- now is the time to let everyone know.

There are 18-20 of us, and it seems to be growing each year. I have thought about going out for pizza then coming back here for dessert and gifts, but that would still involve moving the furniture. DH and I usually move it ourselves the day of the gathering, but then our son and son-in-law move it back for us when everyone is ready to leave, so that helps. It definitely would be less work to just do dessert here and go out for pizza. A restaurant dinner might be a little more difficult as I can't even think of a local restaurant that would have a separate room (the pizza place does have two other rooms off the main room, so that would work the best probably). I would feel a bit funny asking everyone to pay their own way though. When my Dad was alive, and before his Alzheimer's got bad, my parents always took all of us (there were fewer of us then though) out to a restaurant for Thanksgiving and they paid, then we left the tip. Hmmm, lots to think about. But, our kids are taking DH and me out for supper Saturday night, to celebrate our 60th birthdays and 42nd wedding anniversary, so it would probably be best for me to bring up the subject THEN. At least let them know I'm THINKING about doing something different this year. See what they say about it... I've also thought about talking to our son, and asking him if he would be willing to host Christmas INSTEAD of Thanksgiving. Maybe that would be an option, at least for THIS year.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Just thinking about the furniture piece. Is it possible to invest in a different type of family room seating so you don't have to move your furniture around all the time? What about a sectional? Would that help? We got one this year and it's made a big difference in my living room. I had a gathering last week and it worked out really well. Heck, we're pretty good here (on the Dis) with ideas if you need some, just give us the layout. Maybe that would take some of the stress off of you.

 

[wonder whisper]

Very interesting thread that is causing me to have thoughts about the future. We are the only couple on either side of our immediate family that has children, so we automatically defaulted to becoming Christmas Central immediately after they were born. Those children are adults now, one just graduated from college and has started her first job, the other is in his junior year.

But everyone still expects us to host and run the entire production over the 24th and 25th, because "it's not Christmas without the kids. " Since most of these relatives live far away and have to travel to our home, that obligates us to not only host an extended celebration but to also run a bed and breakfast (visualize "National Lampoon Christmas Vacation" and you have a pretty good idea of what things look like at our place starting around 2pm on December 23rd).

We don't have major issues with any of this yet - but the discussion here is very helpful in giving me a sense of what we will likely be dealing with in the not-necessarily-too-distant future.

 

[MIGrandma]

Just thinking about the furniture piece. Is it possible to invest in a different type of family room seating so you don't have to move your furniture around all the time? What about a sectional? Would that help? We got one this year and it's made a big difference in my living room. I had a gathering last week and it worked out really well. Heck, we're pretty good here (on the Dis) with ideas if you need some, just give us the layout. Maybe that would take some of the stress off of you.

I will try to describe how our family room is set up, I wish I could just draw it here, ha ha! The room is large, 24'x24' but both of the couches are sort of in the middle of the room, as the TV is in the one corner and the two couches are arranged in an "L" shape facing the TV. There is a coffee table between the couch and TV/stand area, and an end table/lamp on each ends of the "L." So that is the first area of the family room. The opposite corner from that area holds a round table and 6 chairs. Another corner area holds the piano and a glider rocker/foot stool and end table. And the fourth corner holds the wood burning stove (on a large stone pad) along with a rocker/recliner, end table/lamp and the treadmill.

If we didn't move the couches/coffee table/end table the people sitting on the couches would pretty much have their backs to the rest of the room/people sitting in chairs. And to "open up the room" we move the couches to the walls so then there is a large open area in the center of the room which is where the kids play, and where we pile all the gifts for our traditional two rounds of the grab bag gift exchange. We also put the large leaf in the table and put extra chairs around it, and we set up a card table/chairs. So, there are people sitting at the table to eat (then they just move the chairs to somewhere else in the room to sit for the rest of the afternoon/evening), also people sitting on the couches and other chairs, etc. With 18-20 people in the room we HAVE to move the furniture. Even when we had a sectional couch we had to move all the pieces and we HATED how the sectional pieces would move a bit when people sat in them at other times so we got rid of the sectional as soon as it started showing the least bit of wear and tear. I would never want one again, the pieces just didn't stay completely together well enough for day-to-day use.

Very interesting thread that is causing me to have thoughts about the future. We are the only couple on either side of our immediate family that has children, so we automatically defaulted to becoming Christmas Central immediately after they were born. Those children are adults now, one just graduated from college and has started her first job, the other is in his junior year.

But everyone still expects us to host and run the entire production over the 24th and 25th, because "it's not Christmas without the kids. " Since most of these relatives live far away and have to travel to our home, that obligates us to not only host an extended celebration but to also run a bed and breakfast (visualize "National Lampoon Christmas Vacation" and you have a pretty good idea of what things look like at our place starting around 2pm on December 23rd).

We don't have major issues with any of this yet - but the discussion here is very helpful in giving me a sense of what we will likely be dealing with in the not-necessarily-too-distant future.

Oh, "Christmas Vacation" - no thank you!! So thankful I don't have to deal with overnight guests, that would REALLY put me over the edge! Ha ha!!

 

[design_mom]

I think your mom and I would have gotten along well. I'm pretty sure I'll never be asked to host Thanksgiving dinner. I once said "I'd be happy to host sometime, but I'm going to serve food that *I'm* thankful for, like spaghetti and garlic bread!" (I'm not a fan of turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes. And don't even get me started on green bean casserole! Blech!) Oh, the sacrilidge of not having turkey on thanksgiving!!

My mom (75) still hosts Christmas Eve at her place. My sister and I go over on Christmas Eve morning and help make all the food, arrange the furniture, set the table, etc. And before we leave we help with a lot of the clean up. I'm sure it's still quite a bit of work for her but I don't think she's ready to give it up yet... but my sister and I have definitely stepped up how much we help out. But we enjoy it, and I think mom enjoys us all working together, too.

My sister and I take turns hosting Christmas morning (a long story), and we visit my in-laws' Christmas afternoon. My MIL (turns 70 this year) does it all herself and only asks me to bring a tray of cookies. She doesn't enjoy baking. I have offered to contribute more, but she declines. She does use a lot of prepared or purchased foods.

 

[CdnCarrie]

My Mom stopped hosting when she was around your age and now my siblings and I take turns. Same with DH's family. But it's always a potluck - people coming bring sides, dessert, etc. Whoever is hosting always does the main dish. It is a lot of work and expensive to host!
Especially with your grandkids now being adults there is no reason the next couple generations can't be doing more to help.

 

[MIGrandma]

I think your mom and I would have gotten along well. I'm pretty sure I'll never be asked to host Thanksgiving dinner. I once said "I'd be happy to host sometime, but I'm going to serve food that *I'm* thankful for, like spaghetti and garlic bread!" (I'm not a fan of turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes. And don't even get me started on green bean casserole! Blech!) Oh, the sacrilidge of not having turkey on thanksgiving!!

My mom (75) still hosts Christmas Eve at her place. My sister and I go over on Christmas Eve morning and help make all the food, arrange the furniture, set the table, etc. And before we leave we help with a lot of the clean up. I'm sure it's still quite a bit of work for her but I don't think she's ready to give it up yet... but my sister and I have definitely stepped up how much we help out. But we enjoy it, and I think mom enjoys us all working together, too.

My sister and I take turns hosting Christmas morning (a long story), and we visit my in-laws' Christmas afternoon. My MIL (turns 70 this year) does it all herself and only asks me to bring a tray of cookies. She doesn't enjoy baking. I have offered to contribute more, but she declines. She does use a lot of prepared or purchased foods.

I'm not a huge turkey fan either and not really into the "traditional" sit-down dinners. I've done a few, but I don't enjoy it much at all. Too much work, and the food is gone in 20-minutes and you're left with a ton of cleanup! I do like green bean casserole though. And my MIL had a wonderful recipe for stuffing, I've been known to make that when it's not even a holiday.

You said you and your sister go over to your Mom's to help with preparing your Christmas Eve gathering, that is wonderful the two of you do that to help your Mom out. To help with the preparations, cooking, AND cleanup is a LOT and I would be very thankful if I had that kind of help. Maybe I wouldn't feel so much like it's time to let someone else host our gatherings if we had more help with it.

And I do a lot of my "fall cleaning" nearer to Christmas so everything is nice for our get-together. The cleaning of the carpets, washing windows/curtains, that sort of thing. I feel like if I did all of that in September, I would just need to do it all again in November so I just put it all off until November. But maybe some of it could be done in October... Or I could bite the bullet and hire a cleaning service to do some of the heavier fall cleaning. That's a thought. My kids tell me not to worry about the cleaning, they don't care about that. But I do!! Sometimes I think I make it more work for myself, in the preparation for it. Sigh.

 

[MIGrandma]

I just had another thought, our 24-year-old granddaughter has said many times how her favorite part of Christmas is coming HERE for our family gathering...

So, maybe I'll tell her that if she wants me to keep hosting it she needs to come over after work on Friday and help me all day Saturday, to clean and prepare the food, etc. She could spend the whole weekend with us, to help out, and then we'd have the get-together on Sunday. I wonder what she'd say to that if I asked her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Host if you would like...
Not out of obligation. And not our of a desire to be the one to make the plans and have that control.

I am wondering about the use of the word "let", as in give permission?

Of course there are those who just so enjoy and have memories of the whole traditional holiday, when all they had to to was show up and enjoy the fun, without any of the heavy lifting. I would let them know that it makes me so happy that they have had such enjoyment and memories!!!! But, that doesn't mean that they, or others, can provide this type of holiday this time.

If there are expectations that you will provide, and you do not wish to give-cheerfully, simply let the word out, ASAP, that you and your DH will not be hosting this year.
If others get together and decide who might step forward, then that would be great.

 

[pigletto]

For my family which is currently around 15 ,but is going to continue to grow rapidly as marriages and more kids come along, we all go to my parents and my mom and one sister do most of the meal. Before that sounds like a terrible burden to my one sister, I feel the need to point out that she is a kitchen control freak and won't let anyone help meaningfully. She'll let you peel potatoes or wash dishes but look out if you try to do anything else. She's weird about it, so we just let her have at it. It's my mom's kitchen so she can't kick her out. I am sure it will change somewhat as my mom gets older but she's only 63 now.

For my husbands side we do Thanksgiving (though often on another weekend) and my SIL does Easter and my MIL and FIL host Christmas day dinner. We don't attend Christmas day at their house because we get together with them for the big Christmas Eve party. That's at a different house every year but has been passed down to the now adult kids. In fact, we are hosting that for the first time this year and I am already nervous. It's largely potluck though I will supply the main meat dishes ,lots of desserts and apps, all the alcohol and will fill in any gaps.

It's kind of weird that I am 43 and this will be our first big party. I've hosted baby showers and dinner here and there. But this will be the first time I am responsible for feeding and entertaining 50 people. I'm the oldest of 6 and we all gather at my parents house so it's never been handed over to the younger generation. Not yet anyway.

 

[MIGrandma]

For my family which is currently around 15 ,but is going to continue to grow rapidly as marriages and more kids come along, we all go to my parents and my mom and one sister do most of the meal. Before that sounds like a terrible burden to my one sister, I feel the need to point out that she is a kitchen control freak and won't let anyone help meaningfully. She'll let you peel potatoes or wash dishes but look out if you try to do anything else. She's weird about it, so we just let her have at it. It's my mom's kitchen so she can't kick her out. I am sure it will change somewhat as my mom gets older but she's only 63 now.

For my husbands side we do Thanksgiving (though often on another weekend) and my SIL does Easter and my MIL and FIL host Christmas day dinner. We don't attend Christmas day at their house because we get together with them for the big Christmas Eve party. That's at a different house every year but has been passed down to the now adult kids. In fact, we are hosting that for the first time this year and I am already nervous. It's largely potluck though I will supply the main meat dishes ,lots of desserts and apps, all the alcohol and will fill in any gaps.

It's kind of weird that I am 43 and this will be our first big party. I've hosted baby showers and dinner here and there. But this will be the first time I am responsible for feeding and entertaining 50 people. I'm the oldest of 6 and we all gather at my parents house so it's never been handed over to the younger generation. Not yet anyway.

Oh wow, 50 people?! If I was hosting that many people for Christmas I would definitely be having it at the township hall just up the road from us!

 

[Wendy31]

I just had another thought, our 24-year-old granddaughter has said many times how her favorite part of Christmas is coming HERE for our family gathering...

So, maybe I'll tell her that if she wants me to keep hosting it she needs to come over after work on Friday and help me all day Saturday, to clean and prepare the food, etc. She could spend the whole weekend with us, to help out, and then we'd have the get-together on Sunday. I wonder what she'd say to that if I asked her.

Since the family gathering is important to your granddaughter, I think it would be nice to include her in some of the preparation &, in a way, kind of "mentor" her & guide her in how to plan & prepare for family holiday gatherings, if that makes sense. In the next few years, maybe it will be she that picks up the hosting baton.

I do think it's important that traditions are passed down & that younger generations begin to take a bigger part in the traditions as they get older.

However, I wouldn't tell her that she "needs to," but I'd maybe ask her if she'd like to help, & I definitely wouldn't require that she spend the whole weekend w/ me. I don't think it should feel like a chore to her, but, rather, a privilege in getting to be an integral part of a tradition that's very important to her.

I definitely wouldn't want to make my granddaughter feel like the family Christmas celebration is totally dependent on whether or not she's willing to spend the entire weekend w/ me.

Host if you would like...
Not out of obligation. And not our of a desire to be the one to make the plans and have that control.

I am wondering about the use of the word "let", as in give permission?

Of course there are those who just so enjoy and have memories of the whole traditional holiday, when all they had to to was show up and enjoy the fun, without any of the heavy lifting. I would let them know that it makes me so happy that they have had such enjoyment and memories!!!! But, that doesn't mean that they, or others, can provide this type of holiday this time.

If there are expectations that you will provide, and you do not wish to give-cheerfully, simply let the word out, ASAP, that you and your DH will not be hosting this year.
If others get together and decide who might step forward, then that would be great.

I agree w/ this. If you're resentful about hosting (& all that goes w/ it), then don't do it. If I knew that either my mother or mother-in-law were resentful or only hosting because they felt pressured to out of obligations & expectations, then I'd really rather them just not host.

I don't want to be at someone's house if my being there is burdensome, & I'm sure your children feel the same.

Hosting a holiday gathering for family *is* a lot of work, &, after having done it for many years, I could see how the obligation would begin to get a little wearisome.

If you truly find no joy in hosting like you've done in the past, then let your family that you don't feel up to hosting this year & let them decide what they want to do for Christmas. (But, again, be prepared for no one hosting a big family celebration & them being okay w/ only celebrating in their immediate families.) Or, maybe suggest some alternatives that aren't quite as labor intensive & change up the celebration a bit this year.

Over the years, families change & evolve, and the ways they celebrate holidays change & evolve. And that's okay.

The parents become the grandparents, & the kids become the aunts & uncles. And how & where & who is involved in the family get-togethers change.

My grandmother (my dad's mom) passed away when I was 10 years old. My grandfather didn't want to have any kind of family get together after her death at their home. For a while, his daughter (my dad's sister) & his 2 daughters-in-law alternated having Christmas celebrations at their houses, but, after about 4 years, that ended as well. Years later, after most of the grandchildren were grown w/ families of their own, my grandfather decided he wanted us all to get together at Christmas again, and, for about 3 years, he "hosted" a Christmas gathering at a local restaurant a couple of weeks before Christmas. And, by this time, our parents were the grandparents & we were the aunts & uncles, & family Christmas celebrations were celebrated within each of the separate family units.

My grandmother (my mom's mom) passed away 2 years after DH & I were married. Prior to that, she was in a nursing home for about 2 years. Up until the time she went in the nursing home, my grandfather tried to have some kind of Christmas celebration at their house for the whole family. After she went in the nursing home, those celebrations ended. And, on Christmas Eve, my grandfather would visit my parents' house, &, on Christmas Day, he would visit my uncle & his family's house.

 

[elaine amj]

I just had another thought, our 24-year-old granddaughter has said many times how her favorite part of Christmas is coming HERE for our family gathering...

So, maybe I'll tell her that if she wants me to keep hosting it she needs to come over after work on Friday and help me all day Saturday, to clean and prepare the food, etc. She could spend the whole weekend with us, to help out, and then we'd have the get-together on Sunday. I wonder what she'd say to that if I asked her.

I like this idea and i'd bet she'd be open for that, especially if you tell her you don't have as much energy as you used to.

Recently I asked my 22 yr old niece to help me with my DD16's birthday party decorations and she jumped in with both feet and helped me tremendously. It was the first time I have asked her for that type of help and I think she was so thrilled to help. It's rare for me to ask for that kind of help but I was super exhausted and overwhelmed at that time so finally asked. I was helping her plan her summer vacation so it was nice that she was also able to do something for me. We had so much fun together with everything

I'd suggest inviting her the whole weekend and then letting her know that if she just prefers to come over each day instead of a sleepover, that would work too. or perhaps she just comes on the one day to help. The whole weekend can be rough especially since she likely has friend get-togethers to juggle too.