Serious Dating question

[amberpi]

Would love to get some different opinions...

I've been seeing this guy and he seems fantastic, like the most interesting candidate I've had since my divorce minus one. However, there is one thing he does, and its a red flag for me. My friends think it's a bit odd too, so yet again, I come to the Disboards for ya'll's ultimate guidance.

He's twice now cut me off from telling a story that involved an ex, saying he never wants to hear about my exes. Ok, i get that. I'm not a ogre, I understand that you don't discuss indelicate things about your exes. I do think that the general axiom of "if it happened in public, or could have, its fine" is a good way to behave. Other people have been in my life. One I was setting up to be the time an ex and I discovered the Irish version of deliverance, the other involved sea lions in San Diego. We're NOT talking about "omg, my ex used to do that and it was so annoying/wonderful" or whatever. We're talking about funny/noteworthy bits of life, that happened to have an ex in it.

I'm open to any thoughts. An ex boyfriend remains a good friend and he assured me, firmly, that I don't do the ex thing. IDK, its just got my spidey senses tingling all over.

 

[Adkeesee]

Go with your gut. We have "spidey senses" for a reason and when we listen to them, we often end up much better. Never settle for someone you can't completely be yourself with. Your past makes you part of who you are and it makes me think maybe he has an insecurity issue??

 

[amberpi]

Go with your gut. We have "spidey senses" for a reason and when we listen to them, we often end up much better. Never settle for someone you can't completely be yourself with. Your past makes you part of who you are and it makes me think maybe he has an insecurity issue??

That's what exactly what I'm thinking, but a gut check, of am *I* mistaken is never a bad thing.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Many people don't care to talk about exes with eachother in relationships. I don't think that should be the only thing that turns you off from this guy unless you absolutely can't stop telling stories without your exes in them! Hopefully there are plenty of other things to talk about. If not, and you're both bothered with the +/- conversation, then move on. My guess would be he's a little old-fashioned.

 

[Shanti]

I agree with a PP, if that's the only issue it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me. Some people, like you, like to stay friends with exes if possible. Other people, like this new man in your life, think it's best to break ties with exes and move on. His point of view isn't necessarily an indication of insane jealousy, it could just be that he sees the end of relationships in a different way.

I will make myself as an example, because his preference is one that I also share, and I am not the jealous type. But I like to move on completely after a relationship, and I prefer the man I'm with not be hanging around with/talking about exes all the time. It diverts from our focus on one another, imo. It's a similar dynamic to a new wife not wanting her mother-in-law in her face all the time...But that's just my opinion and I know others like to do things differently. My point is, my different outlook doesn't make me Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. I'm a normal person in a relationship.

So I would accept this as a different perspective. If it really annoys you and he won't relent, that might be a deal-breaker for you just because he won't compromise, but don't take his outlook on this by itself as an indicator of dangerous jealousy.

 

[jrmasm]

Maybe you don't realize how much you talk about your exes.

 

[Klayfish]

Meh, I don't see it as necessarily a big deal, based on what you've said. If there are no other red flags, I wouldn't worry about it too much. However, there's nothing wrong with having an open and honest conversation with him about it. Tell him that it concerns you that he cuts you off that quickly the moment you mention an ex. His reaction may tell you a lot...good or bad. In my opinion, no relationship is 100% perfect. Anyone who says that there is absolutely nothing about their s/o annoys, bothers, whatever...them is being dishonest, IMO.

So in the end, my worthless $.02 is to not sweep this under the rug, but on the face of it don't make a big deal out of it. Ask him about it with a genuine (not accusatory) tone and go from there.

 

[Heidict]

Trash talking an ex is never a good thing, but that doesn't sound like what you are doing. If you aren't allowed to mention anything if an ex is involved, no matter how small or funny, then it makes me wonder why.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

At least he's honest. He doesn't want to hear about it. But I would ask him what's the big deal. If he won't even have a conversation about then, to me, that's a red flag,

My SO won't talk about his exes. At all. I do find it weird at times but I've let it slide. The only difference is we have talked about it and I have his reasons. He just believes the past is in the past and that's it. No one is perfect and if that's the "weirdest" thing he does then I'm lucky. I was single for a few years and there are a lot of questionable single people out there.

We discuss my XH since he's the father of my children and still in my life. And I was with him from 15-27 so a lot of my life experiences involve stories with him. He doesn't get jealous or upset by it but he still refuses to talk about his ex's.

ETA: If I ask a specific question about a specific situation he will give me an answer but he doesn't willingly give up info. I didn't find out he went to WDW with an ex until I was planning our first WDW and I asked him if he had ever been. He said yes. I said with your parents. He said no. I asked with who. Then he said his ex and her family. It's like pulling teeth! lol But it may just be a guy thing???

 

[Klayfish]

It's like pulling teeth! lol But it may just be a guy thing???

Hey, I resemble that remark!

Yeah, I guess it's a guy thing. I'm long out of touch with the dating scene. DW is my one and only wife, we've been together going on 20 years now. She was never married before, either...unless she's really hiding a deep secret... However, even when we were first dating, we didn't talk about exs' that much. I dated more than she did, and while she didn't ask a ton, it's not something I would bring up. Simply for no other reason than it just didn't matter. I can certainly understand if something big/traumatic/etc...were involved, but for just "run of the mill" relationship stuff I didn't really see any point or desire in talking about mine, and don't really have a ton of interest in hers.

DW and I used to love to go to Atlantis, in the Bahamas. Well...we still would love to go, but it's insanely expensive. We went there on our honeymoon. I had been there before with an ex (or at least stayed in the hotel next door and toured Atlantis several times). I told DW that I had been there, but that was the full extent of the conversation.

 

[prprincess]

My husband doesn't like to hear about my exes either, and it honestly never bothered me--we've been married for almost 15 years.

I can understand your point about telling a story significant to you and your life, and it involving an ex. Whenever that happens with me, I just try and keep who I was with out of it. It doesn't keep me from being honest or being myself, but I'm just considerate about his feelings. After so many years, I really think that he knows who I've done certain things with, and just prefers that I don't name names.

But hopefully he'll open up to you about why he feels this way...it's probably just insecurity.

 

[rastahomie]

From a guy's standpoint, his behavior sounds somewhat controlling. That is never a good sign. Cutting someone off in conversation is never a good sign either. I won't scream "Run Away!" just yet, but it sounds like some conversations need to take place.

 

[~AristoCat~]

I don't see it as an issue and would just go forward with the relationship as it seems like this guy has a lot of good qualities you like and you are both enjoying your time spent together. If that is the only hang up don't let it get in the way because it is not worth letting a good guy get away. Of course if he starts become possessive over other things you try to do then you either need to question it or give him the boot.

 

[PollyannaMom]

While I agree that nobody is perfect, and I'm willing to overlook some flaws in people, the fact that he just shuts it down instead of offering a rational explanation would make me a little queasy. Do you have any mutual friends who might know why he acts like that?

 

[greentea]

I think if you're getting a weird feeling about it, you should pay attention. That's not to say "break up with him now," but I've learned to trust my feelings about people. In this case, I'd be paying extra attention to the way he communicates and I'd want to talk about it. Maybe have a talk with him about the cutting you off and the topic of exes and see how things feel after that?

 

[Christine]

Hard to say, yet, but I think it's a bit of a controlling data point. I don't like it. Your dating--this is probably the tip of the iceberg.

Honestly, I think he should patiently listen to your story. If you talk about exes too much in your stories, then he should say that. Not "I don't like to hear stories about exes...period." Nah, there's a jealousy/territory issue going on there if, indeed, your stories are normal.

 

[rer1972]

I'd say it depends on how he acts when he cuts you off. Is it like he is really upset about it (red faced anger kind of thing), or is it more like an annoyed (I really don't want to hear about your ex) thing?

My wife really hated when I would do bring up an ex when we first met, but now it doesn't bother her if it comes up.

You need to look at it from his point of view too. He may be thinking that you haven't gotten over the ex, and are reminiscing about that ex. Not something I would want to hear about if I was him.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Would love to get some different opinions...

I've been seeing this guy and he seems fantastic, like the most interesting candidate I've had since my divorce minus one. However, there is one thing he does, and its a red flag for me. My friends think it's a bit odd too, so yet again, I come to the Disboards for ya'll's ultimate guidance.

He's twice now cut me off from telling a story that involved an ex, saying he never wants to hear about my exes. Ok, i get that. I'm not a ogre, I understand that you don't discuss indelicate things about your exes. I do think that the general axiom of "if it happened in public, or could have, its fine" is a good way to behave. Other people have been in my life. One I was setting up to be the time an ex and I discovered the Irish version of deliverance, the other involved sea lions in San Diego. We're NOT talking about "omg, my ex used to do that and it was so annoying/wonderful" or whatever. We're talking about funny/noteworthy bits of life, that happened to have an ex in it.

I'm open to any thoughts. An ex boyfriend remains a good friend and he assured me, firmly, that I don't do the ex thing. IDK, its just got my spidey senses tingling all over.

Hm. 2 possibilities I see:

1. The innocuous one: been burned before. He might have had a girlfriend prior to you who would start telling a story that involved an ex, and then inevitably, when she was more relaxed and into a few glasses of wine, it would turn into one of those endless psychonanalysis ex stories. I have a girl friend like that. So I could definitely see how it could become a peeve and he might just have decided to tell girls upfront not to mention exes to avoid that.

2. Inferiority/jealousy complex. Yuck.

If he is triggering your spider sense, I'm betting on number 2. Lots of times I've met someone and been totally right about them weeks or months later, even as others have said, your gut doesn't mean anything and give them a chance. And sometimes I accept them for who they are, but you know, mostly, I find out I should have trusted that initial red flag.

But. If you like him otherwise, I wouldn't dump him until you get a second red flag. Maybe do that deliberately next time and when he cuts you off, have a heart to heart about why he's got an issue. If he lies to your face about it, then you've got a problem and life's too short not to dump him.

 

[diznygirl]

Can you tell the story in a different way? Like, "I saw some sea lions in San Diego once" without mentioning the ex?

It seems weird that he's very anti-ex. You could keep it in mind as you continue to see him to see if it's too much to deal with.

 

[adisneyaunt]

Exes are just that .. ex's in the Past... I just feel that it should be limited discussion when ones moving forward.. perhaps you don't realize how often u bring him up?
But more important than that...
go with your gut.. it won't be wrong, if ur questioning it this early on.. run, don't walk...
Just My 2 cents..