Should I confront my best friend or just accept the situation?

[gillep]

you have an interesting perspective, thank you. Maybe I feel threatened by something I should not be. Maybe my friend owes no loyalty and I’m expecting too much

To me, the loyalty that my friends owe me is in keeping my confidences, and not talking about me with others behind my back, especially in a negative or hurtful way.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I think I’ll ask her to meet my for coffee tomorrow and tell her she can be friends with whomever and we will see how it goes. I think I’ll cancel the trip though. I won’t confront her, just tell her how I feel and if that offends her so be it. I’ll find out what our friendship is made of. Thanks for all the insight. Hard thing for me.

If your sister in law does not like you, then she knows how much it would bug you If she were friends with your bff.

Why would you play into her hands then by dumping your friend? That would make your sil really happy wouldn’t it?

What I’ve learned in life is it’s better to act INDIFFERENT in these kinds of situations and with this type of person.

If you show that it bothers you then they have won the game. If you show that you don’t give a crap, THAT will drive them mad.

Go to lunch with your friend and don’t say a word. If she brings it up then I would say ‘I’m glad you are getting to know each other better’ and change the subject.

Your sil will probably ask your friend if you had anything to say about her. If she knows you said nothing and are encouraging the relationship that will most likely annoy the hell out of her.

To wackos like your sister-in-law, it’s all a game so don’t play by her rules.

 

[Princess Steph]

Am I reading correctly that your friend of twenty years has lost her mom suddenly and also has an injury that is keeping her away from her job/career? Both of these situations have been this year OP?

If so, just concentrate on being her friend OP. Get out of your head and start there. That's a lot. Do you not realize that? No sarcasm, simply perplexed. Losing your mother for a lot of people is beyond devastating. Your entire world changes. And it was sudden. Not to mention people mourn in a myriad of ways.

And being a teacher takes up all of one's time. And now she has all this time off. Loads going on for her.

Concentrate on being a good friend and go from there.

______________________________________________

If you do feel that you can't keep your own emotions in check about your SIL and Lisa, well keep it short and own it - **I am struggling with my own emotions surrounding it.** And move on or not. I would regret not working through a friendship of twenty years. They mean too much to me.

Her mom passed suddenly in her sleep 6 years ago. I was very difficult for her and I try to do anything I can to help her deal with the loss, including inviting her to a mother’s day celebration so I can be with her. She is a kindergarten aide. All this drama started last May before school let out. She has been injured for 2 months. I’m not certain either issue is relevant to this but I could be wrong

 

[VandVsmama]

If your sister in law does not like you, then she knows how much it would bug you If she were friends with your bff.

Why would you play into her hands then by dumping your friend? That would make your sil really happy wouldn’t it?

What I’ve learned in life is it’s better to act INDIFFERENT in these kinds of situations and with this type of person.

If you show that it bothers you then they have won the game. If you show that you don’t give a crap, THAT will drive them mad.

Go to lunch with your friend and don’t say a word. If she brings it up then I would say ‘I’m glad you are getting to know each other better’ and change the subject.

Your sil will probably ask your friend if you had anything to say about her. If she knows you said nothing and are encouraging the relationship that will most likely annoy the hell out of her.

To wackos like your sister-in-law, it’s all a game so don’t play by her rules.

I 2nd this. This is a great idea.

 

[lisaviolet]

Her mom passed suddenly in her sleep 6 years ago. I was very difficult for her and I try to do anything I can to help her deal with the loss, including inviting her to a mother’s day celebration so I can be with her. She is a kindergarten aide. All this drama started last May before school let out. She has been injured for 2 months. I’m not certain either issue is relevant to this but I could be wrong

Okay Steph. That is why I asked. I totally read both situations incorrectly. My apologies. So ignore my comments.

I honestly thought by mentioning Mother's Day, and what you did for her, you meant that your friend had just recently lost her mother - still awful, just not what I thought OP.

_________________________________________________________

I agree with others about your SIL. Don't feed her around this issue, so to speak. Leave her on her own path.

Lisa

 

[Princess Steph]

If your sister in law does not like you, then she knows how much it would bug you If she were friends with your bff.

Why would you play into her hands then by dumping your friend? That would make your sil really happy wouldn’t it?

What I’ve learned in life is it’s better to act INDIFFERENT in these kinds of situations and with this type of person.

If you show that it bothers you then they have won the game. If you show that you don’t give a crap, THAT will drive them mad.

Go to lunch with your friend and don’t say a word. If she brings it up then I would say ‘I’m glad you are getting to know each other better’ and change the subject.

Your sil will probably ask your friend if you had anything to say about her. If she knows you said nothing and are encouraging the relationship that will most likely annoy the hell out of her.

To wackos like your sister-in-law, it’s all a game so don’t play by her rules.

I like your advice because it makes so much sense but I get this physical response that just makes me so uncomfortable. It would be hard to act indifferent.

 

[VandVsmama]

Hm....so your BFF isn't working right now because she's recuperating from a work injury. And your SIL cuts hair 10 hours a week. So both of them have a heck of a lot more free time on their hands than you do. It's pretty natural in a situation like that for them to start spending more time together and hanging out a lot.

Is your SIL probably doing this to get your goat? Probably.
Is it working? Yes.

I think the other poster's suggestion to make clear to BFF that you expect things you say to her will be kept in confidence and not shared with other people ...that is a good idea. It's something that anyone would expect of a BFF, but this way, there won't be any possible misunderstandings between you and her.

I have a couple of close friends who are stay at home moms and they have a similar schedule to that of your SIL & BFF. They will see the kids off to school, then they spend a couple of hours at the gym. Then meet up with a friend at Starbucks and talk for an hour or 2. Then maybe go to the gym again. Then pick up kids from school, feed kids dinner, etc. I also have stay-at-home mom friends who are much busier than that (i.e., more than the "gym & ladies who lunch" bunch)...volunteering, kids' activities after school, etc., etc.

Sometimes...perhaps this is some of what could be going on with your SIL...occasionally...you will run into a person in the gym-and-lunch bunch who has so much mental free time on her hands that she turns into a busy body. She becomes someone who stirs the pots, spreads a lot of gossip, talks behind other women's backs, etc. I've occasionally run into women like this and, in my opinion, they're a little nuts. They need a hobby...something that will take up some mental free time so they don't spend so much of their time in a negative space inside their heads. One such woman once told a group of us moms, "Today, we are shunning So-and-So. So nobody's allowed to talk to her when she shows up, ok?" I thought, "OMG, are we 13 years old again? Who says that?"

I have 1 SAHM friend in the first group who is so bored that she goes to 3-4 exercise classes a day. And she hyper-analyzes everything that other moms, her kids' teachers, and her kids' coaches say to her. Hyper-analyze to the point of 'He/she said this, but he/she said it **THIS** way. Why would they say it THAT way? What do you think he/she meant by that? I mean, are they trying to say that I'm ___? I can't believe they'd do that! I'm so insulted! I can't believe him/her!' All in the course of a minute or 2. SAHM friend & get together for coffee once every few months or so because our schedules are so out of sync with each other.

People like this...and people like your SIL get themselves really worked up over stuff that, in the grand scheme of things, really doesn't matter that much. But they can't see it. They can't see the forest for the trees because they are inspecting the nuances of the bark on the 1 tree that is 2" from their faces.

Then on the other hand, you have the full-time employee people. Let's say you & DH have kids. I do. I work full time outside the home. I simply don't have time in my life for nonsense like the middle school drama your SIL has drummed up. Why? Because my day M-F goes something like this:

5:40 am - wake up, shower, get dressed
6:00 am - get kids up, make them breakfast, load cars w/stuff
6:35 am - DH & ODD leave to take her to school
6:55 am - YDD & I leave to take her to school
7:35 am - I drop off YDD (we live a long drive from the school)
7:55-8:00 am - I get to work
8:00 am - 4:00 pm - I work a full 8 hours, eat lunch at my desk.
4:10 pm - leave work
4:30-4:35 pm - pick up YDD
5:00 pm - arrive @ ODD's school to pick her up
5:45 pm - we get home. I make dinner. Kids write their HW assignments on the white board in our kitchen.
6:30 pm - dinner is done. Kids start HW.
7:30 - 8:00 pm - DH gets home from work. He eats dinner.
8:30 pm - kids usually done w/HW by now. Kids shower, pick out clothes for next day of school, watch TV
9:00 pm - kids in bed
10:00 pm - DH & I go to bed.

You know what my day does not have time for? Leisurely chats at Starbucks or over lunch. 2 hour trips to the gym. Heck, ANY trip to a gym is not in my schedule right now. So yeah, I've drifted away from the Drama Llama Ladies Who Lunch crowd because, well, life got in the way. But I do not miss it one bit. Nor will you.

Eventually, your BFF will return to work and SIL will find a new victim to glom onto. Eventually, your BFF will realize that SIL is not someone she can trust. For now, perhaps she has to learn that the hard way. So since BFF & SIL appear to be friends, that means that you can no longer confide in BFF about your SIL's manipulative, passive-aggressive tactics. You will need to find another sounding board for that.

Everything will work out in the long run. Perhaps just not how you want it to right now. This might seem like a super duper big deal, but it's really not. Just be careful to not wrestle with people like your SIL because people like her enjoy getting dirty and you'll get dirty, too.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I am thinking of also saying that I’ll try to be available more. I work 6 days a week, so I’m really busy most days.

don't start blaming yourself

Agreed!!! SIL probably wants you to think it's your fault and start jumping through hoops. Don't let her pull your strings!

Eventually, your BFF will return to work and SIL will find a new victim to glom onto. Eventually, your BFF will realize that SIL is not someone she can trust. For now, perhaps she has to learn that the hard way. So since BFF & SIL appear to be friends, that means that you can no longer confide in BFF about your SIL's manipulative, passive-aggressive tactics. You will need to find another sounding board for that.

Good point that I don't remember anyone bringing up yet! (If someone else did, and I was distracted here on the other side of the screen, please forgive me for skimming!) Just like you shouldn't say things to BFF that you wouldn't want SIL to know, don't say things about either one to the other.

I do get that this "walking on eggshells" routine is uncomfortable! It's just a matter of whether it's too uncomfortable to wait it out until BFF really gets to know (and dislike) SIL, or whether you need to back off now to protect yourself.

 

[Poohforyou]

I'm not sure you should say anything. Your friend is a big girl, let her make her own decisions. If she is truly a friend she will see through the things your SIL is saying, and come to her own conclusions. Just be yourself with her....and let things ride out. My cousins have the same exact situation. They are both sisters, and one is always using every opportunity to trash the other. When she says something to me, I defend her, but it goes in one ear and out the other anyway. It's just how she is. We accept her with all her flaws, and don't let it affect us. She has to live with who she is...who are we to judge. It will be interesting to see what other folks have to say. I recommend you chill and not get involved. Your relationship with your friend is between you and her. Just be you.

I don't mean to pick on you but part of the reason people behave badly is that they've never been called out. I'm very comfortable judging people for their behavior and choosing whether I want them in my life.

If I were the op I'd address it with my friend and explain that I wouldn't be able to share personal information with her for fear my sil would find out. You can't control who others are friends with but can control who you are friends with.

 

[ThistleMae]

I think I’ll ask her to meet my for coffee tomorrow and tell her she can be friends with whomever and we will see how it goes. I think I’ll cancel the trip though. I won’t confront her, just tell her how I feel and if that offends her so be it. I’ll find out what our friendship is made of. Thanks for all the insight. Hard thing for me.

I don't get your decision on this...did she stop being your best friend?

 

[ThistleMae]

If she hid if from you and is trying to protect your Feelings..then she does care.. It's when People stop being sneaky then they dont give a rats arsch

It really sounds like all involved here haven't gotten past High School Drama.

 

[leebee]

Such drama! Why do you feel there has to be a "loyalty test" for your friend? She's an adult and will choose with whom she wants to be friends. All you have to do is decide if you still want to stay friends with her, and then remember that since she is friends with your SIL, there will be certain information you don't want to share with her unless you want your SIL to potentially have that info, too. THAT'S IT.

As I tell my 4th-8th grade students, "Walk away from the drama."

 

[Princess Steph]

I know that on the surface it all seems so foolish and I should ignore it, but it is hard to explain my SIL. Spoke with her cousin last night about all this because she is a very level headed and honest person and would tell me if I was being silly. She knows Lisa and said she is worried about what will happen to my friendship.
I am meeting BFF on Friday for lunch. I will figure out what to say and how to say it. I'll let you all know how it goes but if there is any more advice, I'll take it!

 

[quandrea]

I know that on the surface it all seems so foolish and I should ignore it, but it is hard to explain my SIL. Spoke with her cousin last night about all this because she is a very level headed and honest person and would tell me if I was being silly. She knows Lisa and said she is worried about what will happen to my friendship.
I am meeting BFF on Friday for lunch. I will figure out what to say and how to say it. I'll let you all know how it goes but if there is any more advice, I'll take it!

You see? Now you are gossiping. Honestly, you should really be discussing this with anyone besides dh and the anonymous dis friends here. I don't see what there is to discuss at lunch. Just let it lie. You are creating a big mess for nothing. Just let it play out.

 

[Princess Steph]

No I don't think it was gossip. I just told her the situation, how it makes me feel and asked for advice. I think gossiping is when you say things behind someones back that you don't want them to hear. I have not said anything that I don't want anyone to hear. I'm grateful for my DIS friends. i'm just asking for advice and I like your advice to just let it lie and see what becomes, others have said talk to her, others have said cut it off and move on.

 

[gillep]

You see? Now you are gossiping. Honestly, you should really be discussing this with anyone besides dh and the anonymous dis friends here. I don't see what there is to discuss at lunch. Just let it lie. You are creating a big mess for nothing. Just let it play out.

I agree with this too, this has been going on for the past 6 months that they have been cultivating this friendship, and so far you have not given any indication that there has been an actual problem with your BFF and SIL being friends. It seems that your friend has been able to keep your confidence, and hasn't been talking behind your back, as likely based on what you have said about your SIL you would have heard about it already, if she is as manipulative and terrible as you say. Now you are bringing in random members of your SILs family into this whole thing, and for what reason besides continuing the drama?

 

[wenrob]

Hands down the most ridiculous thread I’ve read in awhile. It all sounds so middle school. You can’t dictate people’s relationships and you can’t demand “loyalty” from someone. I have several SILs, I like one. The rest I wouldn’t spit on if they were on fire. If I put parameters on the people in my life who are friendly with them I’d be pretty damn lonely. All those relationships are separate, as they should be. Quite frankly, who your best friend chooses to spend time with is none of your business. If you feel you can’t trust your friend after more than 20 years then there were problems there long before this.

 

[RangerPooh]

For me I'd let things cool off a bit. I'd continue the friendship with the BFF, but do my best to not let the new friendship with SIL come between us. Friendship with BFF has been around long enough that there are other things to talk about than SIL. Besides, we can have multiple friends. It sounds like they have things in common, so they are cultivating a friendship. It's natural that you might be jealous, but it's not necessarily worth giving up such a long friendship over. Besides, who's to say that the new friendship won't fizzle out once BFF returns to work or once SIL realizes she can't get to you...if this is her goal.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, I'm just curious did your SIL meet your friend through you or did they know eachother before? Like did you all grow up in the same area, go to school together, and stuff like that?

 

[Princess Steph]

OP, I'm just curious did your SIL meet your friend through you or did they know eachother before? Like did you all grow up in the same area, go to school together, and stuff like that?

They met through me. They were both in my wedding 20 years ago. My SIL and I were friendly at that time but I’ve learned a few lessons since then. Of course they are both invited to family events still.