Should I confront my best friend or just accept the situation?

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

It’s not the friendly relationship between the SIL and BFF that would bother me. It’s the gossiping between the two.

If the friend put her foot down and said, “I understand you two have your issues but if you could refrain from talking badly about her around me,” that would be fine. That’s what would be hurtful to me personally.

 

[Princess Steph]

It’s not the friendly relationship between the SIL and BFF that would bother me. It’s the gossiping between the two.

If the friend put her foot down and said, “I understand you two have your issues but if you could refrain from talking badly about her around me,” that would be fine. That’s what would be hurtful to me personally.

Yes, there is that. My friend insists they don’t talk about me, but I can only trust her to be telling me the truth because that would be a friendship breaker for sure.

 

[SirDuff]

It’s not the friendly relationship between the SIL and BFF that would bother me. It’s the gossiping between the two.

If the friend put her foot down and said, “I understand you two have your issues but if you could refrain from talking badly about her around me,” that would be fine. That’s what would be hurtful to me personally.

But it's fine for the OP to talk badly about her SIL to her friend (and her SIL's cousin)?

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Yes, there is that. My friend insists they don’t talk about me, but I can only trust her to be telling me the truth because that would be a friendship breaker for sure.

I’m a little confused because in your first post you said she’s telling lies about you... That IS talking about you.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

But it's fine for the OP to talk badly about her SIL to her friend (and her SIL's cousin)?

Of course that’s not okay.

I’ve only been skimming this thread. I didn’t see that.

 

[lisaviolet]

Did I miss something? Did your best friend do something more than hang out with your SIL?

If she didn't she is your best friend of twenty years Steph. Twenty years of life - memories - great times - hard times. I am sure you have been through it all. I honestly think you will regret these choices years from now. Slow down.

And many of us have noted that they both have time on their hands. I think you even mentioned that as a reason that they are going out a lot. Because they both have the time.

You have way too many emotions going through you surrounding all this situation. And I believe it is clouding your judgment. I would also stop involving others, way too messy. And merely causing drama. People talk. I know you say you are looking for advice. But to me it feels like you are looking for more back-up for your own thoughts, decisions, emotions.

Stop. Take a breath. This is your friend. Just continue being a friend to her. I would never cancel a trip with my friend over this either. How do you think she will feel about that decision? Have you really given her side a lot of thought about that decision? That would be a struggle for her afterwards regarding your friendship, don't you think? This is what she would be dealing with - My best friend said she doesn't want to go away with me anymore because I went out with her SIL. Doesn't that seem bizarre?

I honestly believe that you simply have a boatload of emotions going on around this Steph. Some of which probably have nada to do with your best friend. About your SIL, maybe family dynamics your own stress....

And you are looking to a quick way of dealing with all these emotions by placing it all on your friendship. People do this all the time. Too many emotions - find a way to squash them instead of simply dealing with them.

If you simply can't deal with it all, all I would say - and in a casual manner - is *I am emotionally struggling with this Lisa, just wanted to be upfront with you because obviously you are __________ (whatever she personally means to you in life etc)*. That's it. And that's only if you think you are going to become distant or passive aggressive with her because you have so many emotions surrounding the situation.

 

[Princess Steph]

I’m a little confused because in your first post you said she’s telling lies about you... That IS talking about you.

Right but my friend insists that SHE didn’t say anything. I expect it from my SIL.

 

[lisaviolet]

I’m a little confused because in your first post you said she’s telling lies about you... That IS talking about you.

Of course that’s not okay.

I’ve only been skimming this thread. I didn’t see that.

Well we are confused together.

I have never misunderstood so many comments and posts in a thread. So skimming or not, I would say there is a good chance some things are not clear.

 

[Princess Steph]

But it's fine for the OP to talk badly about her SIL to her friend (and her SIL's cousin)?

My SIL is a manipulative liar and I’ve told her that. Is that talking badly? Or telling the truth? I’ve never talked badly to my friend about my SIL. I’ve never made up lies or manipulated stories. I’m just looking for advice. Should I talk to my friend or just let all this play out before we go away in February?

 

[wenrob]

Yes, there is that. My friend insists they don’t talk about me, but I can only trust her to be telling me the truth because that would be a friendship breaker for sure.

This is what I don’t get. She’s been your friend for over 20 years. Surely there’s a reason you’ve been friends for so long. Why wouldn’t you take her at her word?

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Right but my friend insists that SHE didn’t say anything. I expect it from my SIL.

That’s what I thought. That wouldn’t be acceptable in my friendships. I guess I’m in the minority here.

 

[wenrob]

That’s what I thought. That wouldn’t be acceptable in my friendships. I guess I’m in the minority here.

Oy, now I’m confused. Where does it say the friend has talked badly about the OP?

 

[SirDuff]

My SIL is a manipulative liar and I’ve told her that. Is that talking badly? Or telling the truth? I’ve never talked badly to my friend about my SIL. I’ve never made up lies or manipulated stories. I’m just looking for advice. Should I talk to my friend or just let all this play out before we go away in February?

It's negative - it's talking badly. You may think it is justified comments (they may be 100% accurate - not saying that they aren't), but it is still talking badly. As it was when you dragged your SIL's cousin into things.

I'm still not sure what you think you should tell your friend? She knows how you feel about your SIL. She knows that she's allowed to be friends with whoever she wants (you saying that would only make it seem like you actually think that this could have been in question - it isn't). You cannot control what other people talk about (if I couldn't trust my friend not to bad mouth me to others, I'd question the friendship - not tell her she couldn't). So, what, exactly, are thinking of confronting her on?

 

[Princess Steph]

Did I miss something? Did your best friend do something more than hang out with your SIL?

If she didn't she is your best friend of twenty years Steph. Twenty years of life - memories - great times - hard times. I am sure you have been through it all. I honestly think you will regret these choices years from now. Slow down.

And many of us have noted that they both have time on their hands. I think you even mentioned that as a reason that they are going out a lot. Because they both have the time.

You have way too many emotions going through you surrounding all this situation. And I believe it is clouding your judgment. I would also stop involving others, way too messy. And merely causing drama. People talk. I know you say you are looking for advice. But to me it feels like you are looking for more back-up for your own thoughts, decisions, emotions.

Stop. Take a breath. This is your friend. Just continue being a friend to her. I would never cancel a trip with my friend over this either. How do you think she will feel about that decision? Have you really given her side a lot of thought about that decision? That would be a struggle for her afterwards regarding your friendship, don't you think? This is what she would be dealing with - My best friend said she doesn't want to go away with me anymore because I went out with her SIL. Doesn't that seem bizarre?

I honestly believe that you simply have a boatload of emotions going on around this Steph. Some of which probably have nada to do with your best friend. About your SIL, maybe family dynamics your own stress....

And you are looking to a quick way of dealing with all these emotions by placing it all on your friendship. People do this all the time. Too many emotions - find a way to squash them instead of simply dealing with them.

If you simply can't deal with it all, all I would say - and in a casual manner - is *I am emotionally struggling with this Lisa, just wanted to be upfront with you because obviously you are __________ (whatever she personally means to you in life etc)*. That's it. And that's only if you think you are going to become distant or passive aggressive with her because you have so many emotions surrounding the situation.

All good points. The only thing I can say that my friend did to hurt me, was she went out with my SIL knowing I would not be happy and then did not tell me as a way to protect my feelings. She said “I knew you would be mad” exact quote, but went out with her anyways. As far as I know to this moment, that’s it. I’m not mad at her.

 

[prprincess]

My SIL is a manipulative liar and I’ve told her that. Is that talking badly? Or telling the truth? I’ve never talked badly to my friend about my SIL. I’ve never made up lies or manipulated stories. I’m just looking for advice. Should I talk to my friend or just let all this play out before we go away in February?

I had a similar situation occur with both my SILs (hubby's sister and hubby's brother's new wife). The brother's wife was a gossipy troublemaker, and not only tried to drive a wedge between my SIL and I (who I consider one of my best friends of over 20 years) and all of our female family friends. At first I tried to warn them about her, but they thought I just didn't like her. Then I just decided to stop talking about it because I was the one looking bad, avoid her, and hoped that they'd see the light. And guess what, three years later, she is gone!! Her and brother in law are divorced, and in the meantime, she's done some pretty deceitful things to everyone. So while it was frustrating, they finally saw through her and I honestly think your best friend will see through your SIL, too.

Just let it play out. From what you say, it sounds like the friendship will be short-lived anyway. But even still, with all the suspicion around the situation, I don't think I could go on a trip with the friend. I wouldn't be able to relax, be myself, and enjoy my vacation and would have to cancel if we didn't have a serious conversation about it all.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Oy, now I’m confused. Where does it say the friend has talked badly about the OP?

In the original post she says something about her spreading lies about her doesn’t she? Maybe I’m misunderstanding? I don’t even know anymore lol

 

[Princess Steph]

It's negative - it's talking badly. You may think it is justified comments (they may be 100% accurate - not saying that they aren't), but it is still talking badly. As it was when you dragged your SIL's cousin into things.

I'm still not sure what you think you should tell your friend? She knows how you feel about your SIL. She knows that she's allowed to be friends with whoever she wants (you saying that would only make it seem like you actually think that this could have been in question - it isn't). You cannot control what other people talk about (if I couldn't trust my friend not to bad mouth me to others, I'd question the friendship - not tell her she couldn't). So, what, exactly, are thinking of confronting her on?

So based on all this advice, I’m not going to confront her about anything, I’m not going to tell her what to do, and I’m not going to cancel the trip.
Maybe I’ll just say that I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past few days and I really value our friendship so I’m going to deal the best way I can. Then we can make a list of Fastpass+ choices and review the Dining ressies. I’ll also ask if we can plan an hour a week to meet and go for a walk or get coffee or something. Maybe if I carve out some time for just us it will help, maybe it won’t.

 

[gillep]

That’s what I thought. That wouldn’t be acceptable in my friendships. I guess I’m in the minority here.

I took that comment as the friend saying that the SIL didn't say anything about the OP, and that the OP is just assuming that the SIL has said things because 'she knows the SIL'. The first post is the only one that has said anything about spreading lies, or that SIL and BF have said ANYTHING about the OP, and from the latest post, it seems to me that this is more of an assumption by the OP than known truth, but I am confused too...

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I took that comment as the friend saying that the SIL didn't say anything about the OP, and that the OP is just assuming that the SIL has said things because 'she knows the SIL'. The first post is the only one that has said anything about spreading lies, or that SIL and BF have said ANYTHING about the OP, and from the latest post, it seems to me that this is more of an assumption by the OP than known truth, but I am confused too...

Ahhhhhh!!! My brain... I give up.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

When I dislike someone and choose not to be their friend, it's just that - I choose not to hang out with them. I would never expect any of my other friends to also choose not to hang out with that person just because of my experience. (Take this advice from someone who still shares many mutual friends with her lying, cheating ex-boyfriend.)

So your SIL is a manipulative liar. You learned that from your own experience, and you've already warned your friend. There's really nothing else you can do. This is no reason for you to lose your friend (that's exactly what SIL wants, right, to steal your friend?), continue to spend time with her, talk with her, and do not bring up your SIL in conversation. You don't care about her, and you're not going to waste your time talking about her. If your friend mentions her (she probably won't, since she knows you don't like her), just politely change the subject.

Your friend will have her own experience with your SIL, and that's okay. There's a good chance that their friendship won't last very long. So it's definitely not worth it to start an argument with your friend who really hasn't done anything but hang out with someone who you don't like (and telling your friend she can't spend time with people - that's manipulative... and you're not manipulative, right?).