Should I pay for my college student?

[Skywalker]

I also think it's worth noting that especially in the circumstance when it is a blended family, the optics of excluding her from your family vacation might hurt her even more. It could look/feel like there is your little nuclear family and then there is her on the outside. No one should feel expendable.

Also you mentioned that she only wants to go because it's someplace fun...wouldn't the same be said of the friend? lol

 

[jrmasm]

My only problem with that is my oldest received the same trip when she graduated 2 years ago and was able to bring a friend whom we paid for. It wouldn't be fair to my youngest if she didn't receive the same thing.

The youngest went on the trip to celebrate the oldest's graduation. The oldest should go on the trip to celebrate the youngest's graduation. It's simple really.

 

[Wishing on a star]

'Celebrating a high school graduation' would be going to the ceremony, a nice dinner, cake, party/event.

I see a Senior Trip as a gift for the graduate.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

'Celebrating a high school graduation' would be going to the ceremony, a nice dinner, cake, party/event.

I see a Senior Trip as a gift for the graduate.

Both of your definitions can still include other siblings-that completely depends on the family and whatnot.

Also a senior trip for people in my school was going to a specified destination but it was without families. It was for just the graduates and some chaperones but it was a whole graduating class organized event type thing (this is fairly common). If they did their own thing with their own family then people around me didn't describe the vacation as "this is my senior trip" they described it as "we're going to X to celebrate my graduation" or "we going to X for one last trip together before I go off to Y or to do Z". Just my experience though.

 

[ronandannette]

We will look for a hotel that has a 1 room suite. If my oldest goes we would end up getting 2 rooms, 1 for the girls and 1 for us. My daughters friend is her best friend since kindergarten so she is like another child to us.

Try the Portofino Inn - it's just across Ketella on Harbor and very walkable. A two-room family suite has a king in the main room for you and a set of bunks and a sofa bed in a separate room for the girls. We stayed there when we took our DS and a friend of his; they were older teens at the time. I researched quite a bit - Portofino is the best value around for this type of accommodation and much cheaper than two rooms.

 

[Kristie Smith]

Ohhh, I will just throw this thought in.
If one believes that the older kids get to always come 'just as long as younger siblings at home are included'.
Then, lets say that there are 1-3 kids, two-three years apart in age.
That would cover up to six years.

So, when the youngest kid graduates high school, the oldest kid gets up to 12 more 'family' vacations than the youngest 6 before oldest came along... then 6 more after graduation until youngest graduates.

There are a million different ways to slice any pie.

OP, You are still many months out.
I do hope that you all can work out what will be best for you!

Me too, thank you!

 

[Kristie Smith]

Try the Portofino Inn - it's just across Ketella on Harbor and very walkable. A two-room family suite has a king in the main room for you and a set of bunks and a sofa bed in a separate room for the girls. We stayed there when we took our DS and a friend of his; they were older teens at the time. I researched quite a bit - Portofino is the best value around for this type of accommodation and much cheaper than two rooms.

Thanks for the help, looks perfect!

 

[runwad]

I can relate to this OP. I have 2 DD, 21 & 19. Things aren't always fair between the two and you know what, that's life, and the sooner they learn life's not fair and are able to deal with it the better they will be for it.

If I had to pay more for DD21's college because of her losing her scholarship you dang well better believe she wouldn't be coming on vacation with us. I don't care if younger DD came on her trip, this is a different set of circumstances now. You either have the money or you don't. Don't put it on a credit card. Take younger DD and her friend and go on the trip. Explain to older DD you are paying more towards her college now and sorry the money isn't there to bring her along. And she doesn't have the money to go on the trip either, if she somehow comes in to some money it should go towards paying down her loans. Its not like this is a once in a lifetime trip, OP said the girls have been there 6 or 7 times. Our actions have consequences and sometimes it sucks, but if the money is not there, its not. It doesn't have anything to do with slighting one kid over the other, its about being financially responsible!

We went on vacation and didn't take oldest DD. She had to stay home and retake a class in summer school she didn't get a good enough grade in. I felt bad she couldn't go, but that's life. She survived fine, and got an A in the class. It was a good life lesson for her.

 

[sk!mom]

Ohhh, I will just throw this thought in.
If one believes that the older kids get to always come 'just as long as younger siblings at home are included'.
Then, lets say that there are 1-3 kids, two-three years apart in age.
That would cover up to six years.

So, when the youngest kid graduates high school, the oldest kid gets up to 12 more 'family' vacations than the youngest 6 before oldest came along... then 6 more after graduation until youngest graduates.

There are a million different ways to slice any pie.

OP, You are still many months out.
I do hope that you all can work out what will be best for you!

Wow! You seem really defensive about this topic. You might spend some time thinking about why.

I haven't seen where anyone said that adult children should be taken on all vacations forever. I DO see that most seem to feel that the college DD should be taken on the trip in question.

My children are 11 years apart and we have certainly taken many many vacations without DS since he became an adult. But I also cherish the times that he has been able to join us. Until he was fully employed, we paid if he went. In the 10 years since, he's mostly paid his own way but sometimes- we've invited and paid.

 

[Skippy918]

Try the Portofino Inn - it's just across Ketella on Harbor and very walkable. A two-room family suite has a king in the main room for you and a set of bunks and a sofa bed in a separate room for the girls. We stayed there when we took our DS and a friend of his; they were older teens at the time. I researched quite a bit - Portofino is the best value around for this type of accommodation and much cheaper than two rooms.

You can always book via Homeaway or airbnb and get a condo/townhouse with plenty of space for the same cost as a hotel room.

I think you should pay for your older daughter. Like one of the pp's had said, you don't want to damage your future relationship with her. Good luck!

 

[bellebud]

I'm not there yet, so it's easy to say "I'd definitely do this", but as far as I feel today, I'd pay for the college student. (my kids are 17 and 15).

 

[handinpocket]

Any "parent" that excludes a child from a family vacation, is a waste of breath.....imo. ymmv

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Any "parent" that excludes a child from a family vacation, is a waste of breath.....imo. ymmv

What is ymmv

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

What is ymmv

"Your Mileage May Vary" or in other words "your experience may be different".

 

[okeydokey]

I would absolutely pay for her. Younger sister got to go on siblings trip, so older sibling gets to go on you gets trip.

My son is graduating HS in the spring and our oldest is of course included.

 

[Skywalker]

I can relate to this OP. I have 2 DD, 21 & 19. Things aren't always fair between the two and you know what, that's life, and the sooner they learn life's not fair and are able to deal with it the better they will be for it.

If I had to pay more for DD21's college because of her losing her scholarship you dang well better believe she wouldn't be coming on vacation with us. I don't care if younger DD came on her trip, this is a different set of circumstances now. You either have the money or you don't. Don't put it on a credit card. Take younger DD and her friend and go on the trip. Explain to older DD you are paying more towards her college now and sorry the money isn't there to bring her along. And she doesn't have the money to go on the trip either, if she somehow comes in to some money it should go towards paying down her loans. Its not like this is a once in a lifetime trip, OP said the girls have been there 6 or 7 times. Our actions have consequences and sometimes it sucks, but if the money is not there, its not. It doesn't have anything to do with slighting one kid over the other, its about being financially responsible!

We went on vacation and didn't take oldest DD. She had to stay home and retake a class in summer school she didn't get a good enough grade in. I felt bad she couldn't go, but that's life. She survived fine, and got an A in the class. It was a good life lesson for her.

If it's about being financially responsible, they should not be paying for a friend.

 

[runwad]

If it's about being financially responsible, they should not be paying for a friend.

Well I took it they could afford the friend but the older DD would be stretching it due to having to pay more towards her college. I thought I read a post where she said she could put it on a card??

 

[DaisyJ]

Well I took it they could afford the friend but the older DD would be stretching it due to having to pay more towards her college. I thought I read a post where she said she could put it on a card??

What kind of parent pays for a friend instead of their own child?

 

[mom2rtk]

Any "parent" that excludes a child from a family vacation, is a waste of breath.....imo. ymmv

Do you have a cutoff age for this judgement or is it forever? Not everyone has limitless funds.

That said, I think the vast majority of college kids are not self supporting and I would not cut them off until they graduate and have a job of their own (assuming a typical timeline). I think it's a double whammy here since it's a blended family. I hope the OP's family can find a way to pay for her to be included. I would never pay for another child while telling my own they can't go.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

OP, from the beginning of this thread, I've gotten the feeling that there is more to this than has been mentioned. My first question was going to be, "Do they have the same dad?" I suspected they didn't & that was a telling factor. The fact that you've mentioned that your ODD has had a recent trip with her "real" dad a few times makes me wonder if your DH has more to do with the decision to exclude ODD than has been mentioned.

It appears your reasons listed for not taking ODD have been an attempt at justify within yourself that it's okay to not take her. From what you've mentioned, your ODD's dad seems to be paying for much of what her loans aren't, so I wonder how much helping ODD pay for school really plays into this decision. It appears that it may be just another excuse to justify not taking her.

If your DH is the one that has a problem with taking older DD, because she's already had a trip with her "real" dad & your DH's DD hasn't had one, it's a safe bet that your ODD will sense that. IMO, you're the mom of both girls & you should make sure that neither is excluded, even if you have to remove both dads from the equation.

Since your YDD wasn't left at home for ODDs graduation trip, your ODD didn't get a trip that was all about her, so it's hard to argue that your YDD should have a trip that's all about her & her friend. After this trip, you can set stipulations on family trips that apply to both girls.

I understand financial hardships, but your kids should be the last to suffer from that. If you can only afford for four people to go on the trip, your YDD should understand that.

If I'm wrong about your DH heavily influencing the decision, I apologize in advance. If I'm right, you don't need to reply to this post. It's really none of my business. It's just something to think about. You should treat both DDs the same regardless of who their father is.