Should I pay for my college student?

[Kristie Smith]

Something to consider well the ydd lose a friend if uninvited at this point

No but it would definitely create hard feelings between my 2 daughters. The oldest received the same trip when she graduated 2 years ago and was able to bring a friend. My youngest would feel slighted if she didn't get to bring a friend.

 

[DaisyJ]

We all do things different. I just paid off my student loans, my parents helped with college but didn't foot the entire bill. We are doing the same thing. The trip is for her sister's senior trip, she received the same thing when she graduated and got to bring a friend.

And her sister.

 

[Snowysmom]

I would pay for her trip. Family trips are precious and as they get older they get fewer. My sons are both married with kids. We have helped pay for family trips such some meals and rooms even after they were married. They paid for a lot of it but we helped out. Those are the best memories. We hope we can do it in the future or maybe they can help pay for mom and dad to go along.

 

[Julylady]

First of all, I would totally separate the vacation with how she is doing in college. She is 20. Still learning. Sometimes making bad choices. I would be very concerned about the fact that she is not doing well academically and living off college loans. Sounds like she needs guidance. Perhaps move back home and attend community college?

About the vacation. I would 100 percent take her and pay for it. It wouldn't even cross my mind not too. Think about the future relationship you want to have with your daughter and later, grandchildren. Do you want her remembering how you didn't include her and left her out of this family vacation?

However, you could also make it clear that this is the last Vacation you will pay for. From here on out she's on her own. But I would not take this family trip away from her just because you don't like her lifestyle and some of the choices she is making.

Note to self and others: it's probably a good idea to think about whether or not you will pay for family vacations after your kids turn 18 or 21 or 25. Then communicate that plan to your kids starting at about age 15 so there is no surprises and kids don't feel rejected.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I would pay for Your older daughter to go. With that said I'm planning on taking my son on a trip when he graduates. Just us. When it's DDs turn he won't be coming. Makes life easier I guess.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

Something to consider well the ydd lose a friend if uninvited at this point

Then that friend isn't really a good friend now is she? If a friendship falls apart because the parents can't afford to have both children and a friend go the friend should be understanding. It's not like the girl is telling her that she can't go because of financing and then turns around and invites another friend.

 

[Skywalker]

My only problem with that is my oldest received the same trip when she graduated 2 years ago and was able to bring a friend whom we paid for. It wouldn't be fair to my youngest if she didn't receive the same thing.

Fair to your youngest? She is going on both trips regardless, she should be fine. As to bringing a friend, I get that your older daughter got to bring a friend at the time, but if financial circumstances are different now and something has to be cut - I would cut the friend, not my daughter. The friend is just a bonus. The daughter is part of the family. If you're interested in keeping things "fair" it is fair that both sisters went on each other's trip.

Also, I can understand cutting kids off financially once they graduate college and start working, but before that they are still in the fold as far as I am concerned, even if they have to live away from home for school purposes.

 

[aprilgail]

I would pay for Your older daughter to go. With that said I'm planning on taking my son on a trip when he graduates. Just us. When it's DDs turn he won't be coming. Makes life easier I guess.

That is fair- if the sibling doesn't go on the trip then they don't come on the other trip- but OP's older daughter got stuck taking the younger one on her trip because they didn't leave her home with a friend or relative so I think its only fair that she gets to go on the younger ones trip.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

That is fair- if the sibling doesn't go on the trip then they don't come on the other trip- but OP's older daughter got stuck taking the younger one on her trip because they didn't leave her home with a friend or relative so I think its only fair that she gets to go on the younger ones trip.

I agree. That's why I think she should pay for her older girl. It's only fair. I wouldn't feel right if I didn't take her.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Then that friend isn't really a good friend now is she? If a friendship falls apart because the parents can't afford to have both children and a friend go the friend should be understanding. It's not like the girl is telling her that she can't go because of financing and then turns around and invites another friend.

I agree

 

[monsterkitty]

I agree that she was probably self-medicating. She's had some rough times these past couple years. She doesn't live at home anymore. Her dad pays for her apartment and she lives there full time. I think the best thing is to split it. We currently only plan on getting 1 hotel room and if she joins us, we would end up paying for 2 rooms. She got to bring a friend when she graduated which is why her sis gets to as it will be her graduation. We always drive because we wouldn't be able to afford to fly. Also, we have taken them to Disneyland 6 or 7 times.

If she is depressed and her grades slipped, then you can't punish her for that. One cannot control their mental health without help from either a professional or possibly even medication.

Another question, how far did her grades slip that she lost aid? My GPA dropped to a 3.45 and I was put on probation for my scholarship - I had to maintain a 3.5. I was a mess and my grades suffered. I felt as if nothing was in my control anymore and had no idea how to cope. Yes the probation served as a kick in the pants and I got it together, but it was a huge struggle. If your DD is feeling like this, please don't punish her for the grades. She may be doing the best she can right now.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

So forget for a second about the grades. She's your daughter and I assume you love her. Don't you want her with you? So I'd pay.

 

[sk!mom]

First of all, I would totally separate the vacation with how she is doing in college. She is 20. Still learning. Sometimes making bad choices. I would be very concerned about the fact that she is not doing well academically and living off college loans. Sounds like she needs guidance. Perhaps move back home and attend community college?

About the vacation. I would 100 percent take her and pay for it. It wouldn't even cross my mind not too. Think about the future relationship you want to have with your daughter and later, grandchildren. Do you want her remembering how you didn't include her and left her out of this family vacation?

However, you could also make it clear that this is the last Vacation you will pay for. From here on out she's on her own. But I would not take this family trip away from her just because you don't like her lifestyle and some of the choices she is making.

Note to self and others: it's probably a good idea to think about whether or not you will pay for family vacations after your kids turn 18 or 21 or 25. Then communicate that plan to your kids starting at about age 15 so there is no surprises and kids don't feel rejected.

As the parent of a 21 and 32 year old, I find it better to think about how you want to handle these things but avoid blanket statements. Life has a way of making you eat your words. I've actually grieved a bit for the days of mom planning a vacation and everyone jumping on board. Now everyone has to decide if they want to go, can afford to go, have the necessary vacation time, etc... As I said upthread, we paid for DS32 to travel with us to Hawaii 4 years ago. We had tons of reward miles and really wanted him to join us. He had the vacation time but would have likely declined due to cost had we not made it a gift. It was one of my favorite trips ever. He's joined us on other trips and paid his way. Best to wait and see how life goes.

I would pay for Your older daughter to go. With that said I'm planning on taking my son on a trip when he graduates. Just us. When it's DDs turn he won't be coming. Makes life easier I guess.

This is what my sister has done. She has four kids and just returned from the grad trip of child number 3. Each child so far has gotten to pick the destination and bring a friend. The older two, both girls, chose cruises. #3 is a boy and he chose a trip to the Pacific NW with whitewater rafting, kayaking, and hiking.

 

[mummabear]

No but it would definitely create hard feelings between my 2 daughters. The oldest received the same trip when she graduated 2 years ago and was able to bring a friend. My youngest would feel slighted if she didn't get to bring a friend.

You really are defending taking your younger daughters friend as it would be unfair for her to her to not bring a friend since your older DD got to.
Why do you not have as strong as feelings about keeping things fair for your older daughter since she had to take her younger sister on her graduation trip so why shouldn't she get to go on her sisters graduation trip?

If you can't afford it cut something back, go offsite, dont do hoppers, cut a park day.
And if you REALLY can't afford to take 5, ask yourself why you would choose a friend over your own daughter and think about how that would make her feel, not just that she was left out of a trip but you chose to take someone else instead of her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My son is now a young adult... beginning when he was a teenager, we took trips without him.
Should 'I' be guilt-tripped too?
Really....
And, now we are talking about a to-be 21 year old adult. Has been over 18 for 4-5 years....

Let the guilt trippers pile on!!!!

We have the 'your 18 now... too bad, so sad' group.
And, we have the, 'must take your kids with you, totally paid for, like, forever' for life.
Such black and white extremes

OP: I know you posted to try to get some outside input.
You were probably hoping for some clarity here.

Unfortunately, I don't think you are going to get that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh, I will just throw this thought in.
If one believes that the older kids get to always come 'just as long as younger siblings at home are included'.
Then, lets say that there are 1-3 kids, two-three years apart in age.
That would cover up to six years.

So, when the youngest kid graduates high school, the oldest kid gets up to 12 more 'family' vacations than the youngest 6 before oldest came along... then 6 more after graduation until youngest graduates.

There are a million different ways to slice any pie.

OP, You are still many months out.
I do hope that you all can work out what will be best for you!

 

[Nancyg56]

If she is depressed and her grades slipped, then you can't punish her for that. One cannot control their mental health without help from either a professional or possibly even medication.

Another question, how far did her grades slip that she lost aid? My GPA dropped to a 3.45 and I was put on probation for my scholarship - I had to maintain a 3.5. I was a mess and my grades suffered. I felt as if nothing was in my control anymore and had no idea how to cope. Yes the probation served as a kick in the pants and I got it together, but it was a huge struggle. If your DD is feeling like this, please don't punish her for the grades. She may be doing the best she can right now.

I just saw the post about the depression.

OP- you have more to consider that the expense of a trip. Your DD has had a rough year, is clearly not adjusting to being away from home, has lost her financial aid, and your concern is "fairness to the younger so she can bring a friend?" Now it is no secret I woudl never leave one of my kids home because 18 is no magic number in my family. Shoot, when my nephews were in teh military they got Christmas gifts, no matter what age. You serve, I remember. I think that you need to take a closer look into what is bothering your daughter, and address that. I get that you want to honor some commitment you made to the youngest, or make things equal, whatever your reasoning is, but do you not worry that you are placing hurt feelings over teh very real concern that leaving your oldest behind may cause more damage than you can repair later?

One thing I always did and still do with my kids, and my "baby" is 38 BTW, is tell them that nothing is ever "even" in the G household. I do what I feel is the best thing given the circumstances. That means if one of my kids cannot join us due to unforeseen financial circumstances we kick it in. We do not share this with the others, it is just done. If I see something for one, I get it, I'll see something for one of the others another time. DH and I set this expectation when thye were young, and this has always served us all well. My DDIL, before she and my DS were married commented that I had 2 sons when I had done something extra for my DD> I replied "Yes I do, and right now my DD need a little more. YOu just pray to GOd you are not the one that is in a position you and DS need us. That is not where anyoen wants to be. But if it happens, we will be there and not one of the others will even blink. SHe never said another thing but one day she and I were chatting and she said she had learned more about fairness in our family because for us, fair was not even...it was what was given freely at the time when it was needed the most.

Be fair to your older DD, she needs you now.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Because she is moved out of the house mainly. Also because she hasn't taken college very seriously and has done a lot of partying instead.

I am not sure that this sounds like a kid who is struggling and dealing with bad depression. And we are talking about a 20 year old, not a 17-18 year old.

Yes and no...we have always told the kids that they are responsible for paying for vacations once they graduate high school. That is why we take them on a senior trip. It's their last hurrah before they leave the house.

And, I do not see any ongoing expectations that she get go on fully paid vacations.

The senior trip, bringing a friend, does seem to be an expectation.

 

[Disney_traveler]

DH wants to go. Your situation is similar. I struggle with fairness and including everyone on trips. My youngest doesn't plan on going to college right away. She has been saving her money to go visit a friend in Norway after HS. She'll decide on college after that. We won't be helping on the Norway trip. She's been saving and will use what money she gets from her graduation for that.

Wait wait wait.... so it's ok for younger to put off college for a bit of time for fun, but it's not ok for older to try to do so during college....8 hours away.....on her own?
It just seems more and more that older is being slighted.

 

[Wishing on a star]

What?????
Why is the fact that one sibling is paying their own way on a trip, slighting the older sibling. At all.

This is all about having a trip paid for by the parents, at age 21.