Sometimes in the parenting dept, I wonder

Firstly, I’m majorly bummed to find out I can’t tell yo mama jokes anymore. :sad1:

Secondly, I find the best way to deal with the holy terror types is to A) adjust your expectations accordingly, or B) steer clear of them. The parents are well aware of their child’s behavior and it’s up to them to handle it or seek out the resources to help them handle it. :hyper:
Those really are the only 2 choices.
 
Firstly, I’m majorly bummed to find out I can’t tell yo mama jokes anymore. :sad1:

Secondly, I find the best way to deal with the holy terror types is to A) adjust your expectations accordingly, or B) steer clear of them. The parents are well aware of their child’s behavior and it’s up to them to handle it or seek out the resources to help them handle it. :hyper:

Dang, just googled yo mamma jokes on the dark web and now have a top 30 set that I'm just bursting to share. I'm wondering if yo mamma jokes via pm's are kosher?

PS Is it kosher to say kosher if I'm not kosher?
 
I'm not trying to come up with a diagnosis. Just trying to determine if my own radar of "something's off here" is working properly or if it's off kilter since child behavior comes in all shapes & sizes.

Yes, something is definitely "off". (And, no, it's not parenting if their other child is fine.)

I work with a lot of kids, and different items on your list remind me of kids I know who have ADHD or are on the autism spectrum. It's possible that some symptoms cross over, or that she has both, or something else I'm not familiar with.

What I'm personally trying to also figure out is if there are techniques I can use or things DH & I can do differently when we're around DC in order to make things easier for her.

"Quick tips" for right now:
If you want her to really hear you, say her name first, then wait for her to answer or look at you before you go on.
Try not to plan get-togethers (like fancy restaurant meals) that require a lot of quiet sitting.
Have some questions ready on the topics you know she likes, to distract her in advance if you think she is about to get overwhelmed.

In general:
Check your local library and see what books they have for teachers of special needs kids. (Watch the publication dates - the best advice does change as our knowledge rapidly grows.) You'll have to pick and choose the chapters that look useful, but it may help you understand her a little better.
 


I think you should MYOB. The parents and their kid's pediatrician are likely aware of the differences and just want their kid to be in as many "normal" situations as possible so as not to feel different.

Small example: DD was a late toilet trainer and had some minor gross and fine motor delays. I knew it, I knew people could tell. and she was in PT/OT for it. We didn't see the need to broadcast it to everyone we knew. Sometimes people, usually my mother, would say something about my lack of parenting skills when it came to the delayed toilet training, as if I could just force her into being able to control it. I would quickly shut that conversation down. It stung and I certainly didn't want DD to hear it. We were privately dealing with the matter and thankfully her issues were very minor and she overcame them fully with a year of therapy. DD's struggle humbled me and taught me to try to treat everyone with kindness, and assume that they are doing their best.
 


I feel so bad for this girl. I wish I hadn’t opened this thread.

How anyone can see or hear of a family member who is so clearly suffering and just say to ignore it..
 
Many of those things you listed describe my son. He has ADHD, is closely monitored by a professional, is on medication, and lives in a safe and loving home. I hope no one judges my parenting based on a few of his behaviors, because I feel like I do a great job with him but his neuro-abilities are different and may always be different than his peers.
 
Many of those things you listed describe my son. He has ADHD, is closely monitored by a professional, is on medication, and lives in a safe and loving home. I hope no one judges my parenting based on a few of his behaviors, because I feel like I do a great job with him but his neuro-abilities are different and may always be different than his peers.

You have an active plan ongoing and are working on things. The OP has pretty much no say in what the parents do and that's pretty much it.
 
I feel so bad for this girl. I wish I hadn’t opened this thread.

How anyone can see or hear of a family member who is so clearly suffering and just say to ignore it..

It's not that people are saying ignoring it. I understand where the OP is coming from and have family members with issues. Trying to help by giving any type of advice is looked at as interfering by the parents. They don't want to hear it from a relative, friend or even teacher in some cases. I love these kids with all my heart however my hands are tied so I just try to accept them as they are and give them extra love when I do get to see them.

In the case of my relatives, the parents love them very much and are trying their best. It may not be what I would do but it's hard to say and plus I'm sure I don't get the entire story, nor is it my business.
 
I suspect that the parents know exactly how their kid is but are unwilling to consider anything other than “she’s fine.” The dad has stated before multiple times about how he tells off the school teachers and administrators. He has stated that he thinks that all of DC’s problems are caused by them.
Or that is the story they are telling nosy relatives that they only see every once in awhile to keep them at bay. They may not want to divulge any diagnosis to relatives that would gleefully post 21 negatives about their child on a public message board.

If you are not exaggerating, then school is involved. There is no way professionals would not pick up on this. However, I am confused how someone who apparently has such a lack of social skills can also be a "teacher's pet." Unless you have absolutely decided that she is on the spectrum and you are seeing "what you want to see."

Since you are wondering what goes on in her home, that means you have no idea what strategies they are working with, whether they have a plan of action or whether they are hooked up with any support groups or specialists.

From what you have posted here, I would DEFINITELY never share a single detail about my children or the family. She is "fine" would be my answer too. Let all the relatives stew and think what they want. I would not want a bunch of relatives diagnosing, having to explain plans of action to these kind of folks, and basically would not want these kinds of relatives sticking their noses into our business.
 
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A couple of things:

DC is an extended family member who we don’t see all the time due to living far away from DC’s immediate family.
This stuff has been going on for a long time.
When DC was younger, she’d rock left to right on her feet when she got excited, upset or overstimulated.
DC’s first reaction to conversation is to not look at you when you talk to her.
Parents got her hearing checked when she was in preschool because she would tune them out so well that they would be sitting down at her level, yelling at her to look at them and listen to them and she would not respond.
DC’s mom has commented that DC never wants to play with toys like other kid traditionally do. DC lines them up and organizes them on shelves in her room. Does not actually play with them though.

I’m not going to explain what a Yo Mama joke is. You guys can look it up online. In our neck of the woods and in DC’s neck of the woods, telling such jokes at school could get you in serious trouble with a teacher or get your butt kicked on the playground.

DC is a bright kid. Often teacher’s pet at school. Brings home good grades. Struggles a little in reading, but every kid has his or her strong suits.

DC’s passion is with animals and dinosaurs. Can look at a picture of a dinosaur and tell you it’s name, Latin name, what period it’s from, and what it eats. Relates most things back to animals and dinosaurs.

My family cares about DC very much. Her dad said flat out “my kid is weird.” Both parents seem defensive and make excuses for DC’s problematic behaviors, including blaming it on other children at school. Because the parents are defensive and insistent that their child is normal and just fine, we say nothing. We also keep our mouths shut since we don’t see them very often so I don’t think it’s fair to make conclusions on them when we see them once a year.

When DC was 3-4, a teacher and the kid’s dr recommended speech therapy and occupational therapy. The parents took her to a couple of appointments and then stopped, saying, “There’s nothing wrong with her. She’s just a little different than other kids.”

The parents have said that DC seems to do best when one-on-one with other children. Has regular sleep overs at her house with her male friends from school but then when they are all at school, same kids tease and bully her. DC’s father blames it on “pack animal mentality” once those same kids get to school. But given the extremely over the top freak out melt down reactions we have seen from DC, I wonder if that’s really all to it.

A year ago, went to a table service restaurant. DC got mad over where her sibling was sitting and had a screaming yelling melt down on the floor of the restaurant. The dad took her outside and spent almost the whole meal out there with her because she kept melting down. The parents rarely go out to eat as a family because of such melt downs (they have commented on it) and when they do, it’s to places with outdoor seating or places that have a lot of background noise.

DC is a very loving child. But can go from fine to melt down angry in 2 sec flat and you never can really predict what it will be over. DC has a sibling 3 yr younger and the sibling has more emotional self control than DC does. On the other hand, again, we don’t seem them that often so perhaps we are looking at things from a skewed point of view.

There’s no way DH or I would ever say something to the parents about our concerns because the parents are quite defensive and we don’t want to upset them. I’m just trying to better understand how this kid ticks so that I can figure out some more effective methods of interacting with the child when she melts down.

Again, everything in red describes my nephew. ADHD is very misunderstood in my opinion, even while the mainstream population believes kids are "overmedicated" for it. And even while medicated (which is also misunderstood most of the time), BEHAVIOR needs to change too. Nephew12 can take medication during the school hours to help replace the missing chemicals in his brain to help speed up the nerve connections, but the medication doesn't stop him from blurting out, annoying kids, or getting out of his seat. HE has to learn how to control himself at the same time. The medication is there to assist in helping his brain filter out the extra noise and chatter and help him focus, but it doesn't automatically block behaviors that have become habits. He has to learn how to control his impulses and behavior no matter what.
 
Or that is the story they are telling nosy relatives that they only see every once in awhile to keep them at bay. They may not want to divulge any diagnosis to relatives that would gleefully post 21 negatives about their child on a public message board.

If you are not exaggerating, then school is involved. There is no way professionals would not pick up on this. However, I am confused how someone who apparently has such a lack of social skills can also be a "teacher's pet." Unless you have absolutely decided that she is on the spectrum and you are seeing "what you want to see."

Since you are wondering what goes on in her home, that means you have no idea what strategies they are working with, whether they have a plan of action or whether they are hooked up with any support groups or specialists.

From what you have posted here, I would DEFINITELY never share a single detail about my children or the family. She is "fine" would be my answer too. Let all the relatives stew and think what they want. I would not want a bunch of relatives diagnosing, having to explain plans of action to these kind of folks, and basically would not want these kinds of relatives sticking their noses into our business.

I agree with this entire post ^^

Except the teachers pet part, I guess....As I've stated, I could have written almost the exact same post about my nephew12. And yes, he is/has been certain teachers' pets. He is very lovable, agreeable, and naively sweet and kind. He will never disagree with an adult (not saying he will actually follow through with what he's agreeing about lol, but his intentions are there!) Even with his issues, the amazing kid he is still shines through. Most of our family members have commented before on his underdeveloped social skills, but they never cared enough to find out the root cause. We do not share with them what we have been doing for and with him for the past year that we have had him - they have had the opportunity to help and didn't do it (hence why we have him now).

I will say, though, that generally speaking, he is the "teachers pet" of the teachers who understand his issues. His core classes of math and language arts are 1 step above complete special needs (2 teachers, 15 kids max, special tools and equipment in the classroom like chairs that rock, standing desks, fidget gadgets,etc) His mainstream teachers have much, much less patience and he is definitely not their favorites!
 
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We need a thread dedicated to yo mama jokes.

OP, the jokes about the yo mama jokes are funny lol but I do get what you mean. The problem isn't the yo mama joke itself, it's that the girl doesn't understand when, how, and where is is appropriate to tell such jokes or make comments that might be taken wrong. The yo mama jokes are an example of the problem, not the actual problem itself.
 
I agree with this entire post ^^

Except the teachers pet part, I guess....As I've stated, I could have written almost the exact same post about my nephew12. And yes, he is/has been certain teachers' pets. He is very lovable, agreeable, and naively sweet and kind. He will never disagree with an adult (not saying he will actually follow through with what he's agreeing about lol, but his intentions are there!) Even with his issues, the amazing kid he is still shines through. Most of our family members have commented before on his underdeveloped social skills, but they never cared enough to find out the root cause. We do not share with them what we have been doing for and with him for the past year that we have had him - they have had the opportunity to help and didn't do it (hence why we have him now).

I will say, though, that generally speaking, he is the "teachers pet" of the teachers who understand his issues. His core classes of math and language arts are 1 step above complete special needs (2 teachers, 15 kids max, special toosl and equipment in the classroom like chairs that rock, standing desks, fidget gadgets,etc) His mainstream teachers have much, much less patience and he definitely is not their favorites!

If you agree with that post you really might want to stop writing about your nephew's business online. You've been very open about his personal family history and present issues in many posts.
 
If you agree with that post you really might want to stop writing about your nephew's business online. You've been very open about his personal family history and present issues in many posts.

I will always use my resources wisely, and this is a resource. I have gotten very good advice and help for many things on this forum in the past, this issue included. And believe me, what I have shared on this board is a very small percentage of the problems surrounding this child and his family dynamics.

As always, thanks for your advice.
 
OP, the jokes about the yo mama jokes are funny lol but I do get what you mean. The problem isn't the yo mama joke itself, it's that the girl doesn't understand when, how, and where is is appropriate to tell such jokes or make comments that might be taken wrong. The yo mama jokes are an example of the problem, not the actual problem itself.
Correct.
 
I just wanted to say that I really appreciate everyone's very honest & very blunt feedback on all sides of this topic. I disagree w/the comment about me posting this with glee. I am not posting this with glee. It's really upsetting and it's a challenging issue and my DH & I are trying to figure out how to balance loving DC, disciplining DC when she is in our care very occasionally (i.e., her parents do something on their own for 2-4 hr), helping her learn how to process & manage her intense emotions when she melts down in our care, how to determine IF we approach the parents at all with any concerns, etc. I am very much aware that perhaps the ~ once/year times we see DC, maybe a contributing factor to DC's out of control behavior is due in part to her being out of her normal routine, out of her element, etc., etc. Sometimes when a kid is in a different situation, he or she acts differently than when at home with just siblings & Mom & Dad.

And yes, there have definitely been times when I have judged her parents and I feel incredibly guilty for that. I haven't said a word to DC's parents. I don't live with a child like this and I'm not in the teaching profession, so I really don't know what to do with this. At the same time, I see so many adults in DC's life pretending like none of this is happening. We're talking about 7 years of the parents saying "Maybe she'll grow out of it." I am concerned for DC's future when she says stuff very nonchalantly without remorse like "Well, of course I had to swing at them. They wouldn't stop asking me if I liked that boy." I don't think it's normal for a 10 yr old kid to think that responding to something like that with violence is a logical and satisfactory resolution to that sort of social problem. It's a bit disturbing. It's not how my kids act and it's not how their peers in their groups of friends act. Some of what the kid says and does I think is disturbing enough to make me take a step back and think, "Ok, maybe something is going on here. I don't know what it is. I don't how to handle this sort of thing. Maybe there's another side to the story. I want to help this kid, but I also don't want to offend or upset her parents."

Multiple teachers have approached DC's parents from preschool to this most recent school year. And historically when another person like a teacher has approached DC's parents about their concerns, the parents have gotten very angry & defensive.

DC's limit seems to be ~ 2 hours of interaction before she gets overstimulated and then things start to go downhill. So for now, I think that perhaps we should split it up in 2 hr increments of time. Or after 2 hr of the kids all doing stuff together, then DC needs some quiet time to put on her headphones and play on her iPad.

I really would like to ask DC's parents for suggestions in how they help DC through her melt downs at home so that I can do the same on the very rare occasions when DC is in our care for a couple of hours, but even in asking THAT, they will get angry & defensive. Also, for example, DC seems to really love getting wrapped up in really heavy blankets. I know that there are places online that you can purchase those sensory weighted blankets for people with ASD. But I feel that just buying that for DC as a gift would be, in itself, judgmental because DC's parents will think that I'm labeling their child....and I don't want them to feel that way. So it feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and kind of left with limiting our time with the kid...and that sucks because we love DC very much. She has a lot of really great qualities and it just sucks eggs that most people don't see it because it's overshadowed by her out of control behavior.
 
Trust that the child's teachers have noticed, have documented, and have spoken to the parents about the behaviors.

If and when the parents are ready to have the child tested, there will be a file full of documentation for when the teachers are given the "what have you noticed?" form.

In the meantime, all you can to do is offer the child all the love and understanding you can when she's with you, and the same love and understanding for parents who love their daughter so much that they're not able to see all that's apparently wrong with her, or to deal with the implications as you might if you were in their shoes.

My suggestion is that you do just what her teachers would when faced with similar behaviors: sit with mom, mention some of the behaviors, and ask whether perhaps they should be mentioned to the child's pediatrician.
 

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