Sometimes in the parenting dept, I wonder

If that was true, you wouldn't have asked what we think of the parents.
Or listed a laundry list of bad behavior.

If she really just wanted advice, she could have just said that she suspects a young person she knows is on the spectrum and gets upset when she spends time at their house. Then ask if any experienced parents ha advice on strategies to make the transition easier for her.

There was not a single positive word in her original post. In fact her laundry list of of negatives was pretty rudely stated too. Asking "what's with the parents and this kid" does not convey to the reader that helping this little girl is her first priority. Especially since the title is

"sometimes in the parenting dept, I wonder" which indicates the thread was about poor parenting, not to help a little 9 year old girl.
 
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My DD has adhd and like someone else mentioned in this thread, it has humbled me tremendously. From the way you have over analyzed and made a laundry list of every single thing wrong with this child, I’m assuming you are either not a parent or your child is 100% perfect.

To answer your question, the best way to support this child and her parents is to let go of your judgements and have some compassion. You have not walked their journey. You don’t know the day to day stuggles they face and probably sleepless nights wondering why their child seems different.
 


Honestly if you only see her once a year I don’t think you can be involved in a meaniful way or accurately judge her behavior- you’re probably right that being outside her normal environment magnifies a lot of her behaviors.

If I was in your shoes I would tell my sibling I couldn’t watch her when they run out. If you’re seeing her once a year it should be easy to find an excuse when they visit not to babysit. The next time you see her she’ll be a year older and may have different behavior/treatment.
 
If you want help dealing with this girl, I can suggest a few things:

1. You say that she is told repeatedly to quit doing things, but kids with hyperactive, impulsive type ADHD don't really respond well to that. They either can't or won't remember what it is that they aren't supposed to do, or they will get caught up in the moment and impulsively do something without realizing that they are doing it. This will happen over and over and over, frustrating and infuriating both you and the kid. They are yelled at all day long, at school, in public, at home, for not following rules that they don't understand. Social stories or signs will help greatly. You complained that she has issues with climbing on the furniture; it may sound stupid, but post a picture sign that clearly means "don't climb on the furniture" above or on the couch (or whatever she climbs on), show her the sign, talk about why, and talk about possible consequences. You can find signs and social stories online.

2. Calm down box--I use a calm down box for my daughter, it's just a shoe box that has like 4 little sensory/fidget type toys in it, silly putty, a little fluffy kitty with a brush, tissues, a pack of gum, social skills/social scripts cards (I made a flip book of "how to apologize" and "things to do when I am angry", found them on Pinterest), and a flip book of calm down yoga poses (found on pinterest), some blank paper and colored pencils. You can fill it with whatever your kid is interested in, it should be things that will help redirect unwanted behavior (loud freaking out or tantrums) into more socially appropriate behavior. But the calm down box is only available during a freak out, it is not to be played with at any other time or the things inside will lose their allure. The "how to apologize" cards are in our box because my daughter typically lashes out physically or with her words when she loses it so she then needs to apologize once she is calm.

the reason for having a calm down box is that many kids with ADHD struggle with anxiety, their feelings, and sensory things. So some days my daughter can't handle her feelings, she seems to go into sensory overload. This happens over happy stuff or sad stuff. Other times it's more sensory, she can't handle a certain noise, or she will stub her toe (which she can just walk off most days) or get a little scratch and those feelings of pain just seem to be magnified to the point that she can't handle them, she will start to lose it, hyperventilating, shaking, and crying/rocking, for no good reason. When you've got a kid on overload, theoretically you should be able to bring them to a safe place (where you have your box stored) and hand them the box, tell them that they need to take a break, when they are calm they can come find you and talk about what happened. It doesn't always go that smoothly. But this is something that needs to be introduced and discussed when the child is calm, not in the middle of a freak out.

3. always stay one step ahead--it's a challenge, but an unmedicated ADHD kid is being constantly bombarded with stimuli, so the goal is to keep them stimulated in an appropriate way so they don't have a chance to engage in unwanted self-stimulatory behaviors. So get ready for your time with this girl by preparing quiet boxes full of little projects and things that interest her. At the first sign that she's going to do something annoying, pull out a box. Some things that have been in my daughter's quiet boxes:

--a bunch of gemstones (ordered from Amazon) with a case to organize them, a rock identification guide, a magnifying glass
--printable papercrafts, glue sticks, tape, markers
--printable backyard scavenger hunts (look on Pinterest)
--orbeez with a little marble run
--orbeez with little plastic frog figures and lily pads that I cut out of foamie sheets
--blue orbeez and little sea animals to play with in them
--a bin with play doh and assorted tools
--slime with glitter and other stuff to mix into it
--some little stuffed animals with a plastic canvas house that I made
--characters from a busy book, with a plastic play mat
--a book of temporary tattoos and a small bottle of water and a washcloth (as long as her parents don't mind that she will cover herself from head to toe with these tattoos until the water runs out)
--a box with water color paint, brushes, and some pages torn out of a coloring book
--kinetic sand and cookie cutters or molds
--loom bands
--loose change to sort
--air dry clay
--stickers and a small notebook and pencil to make sticker scenes
--foamie sticker crafts, left over from holidays or class parties
--shrinky dinks with colored pencils
--an origami book with assorted paper
--popsicle sticks, glue, tape, rubber bands, and washable markers
--pipe cleaners and beads, to make jewelry
--some pokemon figures to hide around the house and paper and pencils to write clues for a diy scavenger hunt (but you're going to have to hunt for the figures when she's done)


I dearly hope her parents are seeing a behavioral therapist with her, this is stuff that I learned from my son's and my daughter's behavioral therapists.
 
If you want help dealing with this girl, I can suggest a few things:

1. You say that she is told repeatedly to quit doing things, but kids with hyperactive, impulsive type ADHD don't really respond well to that. They either can't or won't remember what it is that they aren't supposed to do, or they will get caught up in the moment and impulsively do something without realizing that they are doing it. This will happen over and over and over, frustrating and infuriating both you and the kid. They are yelled at all day long, at school, in public, at home, for not following rules that they don't understand. Social stories or signs will help greatly. You complained that she has issues with climbing on the furniture; it may sound stupid, but post a picture sign that clearly means "don't climb on the furniture" above or on the couch (or whatever she climbs on), show her the sign, talk about why, and talk about possible consequences. You can find signs and social stories online.

2. Calm down box--I use a calm down box for my daughter, it's just a shoe box that has like 4 little sensory/fidget type toys in it, silly putty, a little fluffy kitty with a brush, tissues, a pack of gum, social skills/social scripts cards (I made a flip book of "how to apologize" and "things to do when I am angry", found them on Pinterest), and a flip book of calm down yoga poses (found on pinterest), some blank paper and colored pencils. You can fill it with whatever your kid is interested in, it should be things that will help redirect unwanted behavior (loud freaking out or tantrums) into more socially appropriate behavior. But the calm down box is only available during a freak out, it is not to be played with at any other time or the things inside will lose their allure. The "how to apologize" cards are in our box because my daughter typically lashes out physically or with her words when she loses it so she then needs to apologize once she is calm.

the reason for having a calm down box is that many kids with ADHD struggle with anxiety, their feelings, and sensory things. So some days my daughter can't handle her feelings, she seems to go into sensory overload. This happens over happy stuff or sad stuff. Other times it's more sensory, she can't handle a certain noise, or she will stub her toe (which she can just walk off most days) or get a little scratch and those feelings of pain just seem to be magnified to the point that she can't handle them, she will start to lose it, hyperventilating, shaking, and crying/rocking, for no good reason. When you've got a kid on overload, theoretically you should be able to bring them to a safe place (where you have your box stored) and hand them the box, tell them that they need to take a break, when they are calm they can come find you and talk about what happened. It doesn't always go that smoothly. But this is something that needs to be introduced and discussed when the child is calm, not in the middle of a freak out.

3. always stay one step ahead--it's a challenge, but an unmedicated ADHD kid is being constantly bombarded with stimuli, so the goal is to keep them stimulated in an appropriate way so they don't have a chance to engage in unwanted self-stimulatory behaviors. So get ready for your time with this girl by preparing quiet boxes full of little projects and things that interest her. At the first sign that she's going to do something annoying, pull out a box. Some things that have been in my daughter's quiet boxes:

--a bunch of gemstones (ordered from Amazon) with a case to organize them, a rock identification guide, a magnifying glass
--printable papercrafts, glue sticks, tape, markers
--printable backyard scavenger hunts (look on Pinterest)
--orbeez with a little marble run
--orbeez with little plastic frog figures and lily pads that I cut out of foamie sheets
--blue orbeez and little sea animals to play with in them
--a bin with play doh and assorted tools
--slime with glitter and other stuff to mix into it
--some little stuffed animals with a plastic canvas house that I made
--characters from a busy book, with a plastic play mat
--a book of temporary tattoos and a small bottle of water and a washcloth (as long as her parents don't mind that she will cover herself from head to toe with these tattoos until the water runs out)
--a box with water color paint, brushes, and some pages torn out of a coloring book
--kinetic sand and cookie cutters or molds
--loom bands
--loose change to sort
--air dry clay
--stickers and a small notebook and pencil to make sticker scenes
--foamie sticker crafts, left over from holidays or class parties
--shrinky dinks with colored pencils
--an origami book with assorted paper
--popsicle sticks, glue, tape, rubber bands, and washable markers
--pipe cleaners and beads, to make jewelry
--some pokemon figures to hide around the house and paper and pencils to write clues for a diy scavenger hunt (but you're going to have to hunt for the figures when she's done)


I dearly hope her parents are seeing a behavioral therapist with her, this is stuff that I learned from my son's and my daughter's behavioral therapists.

Oh my goodness, you are a godsend. Thank you so much for all of these suggestions!!
 


I honestly think that anyone who says they would never judge parents who don't appear to be addressing their child's issues is lying.

The think the idea that someone on an annonymous message board who is listing concerns is required to give a compliment list as well, is ridiculous. She listed concerns, it was not a comprehensive report in the child.

From what the op said it sounds like child has loving parents. But it also sounds like they are resistant to a diagnosis (or muliple diagnoses) that could get dc help. Schools cannot diagnose. Family members can help parents face up to a diagnosis and realize it doesn't mean child isn't loved and lovable.

Op obviously loves child too or she would simply avoid the child.
 
If that was true, you wouldn't have asked what we think of the parents.

Right. Why is the title of the thread about the parents if that is the case?

The very long initial post was about what's up with these parents and the kid. There was nothing about wanting to know how to interact. It was very judgmental.
 
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It saddens me to see the focus of this thread move from the child to the OP.

The Dis is a wonderful place, but we do tend to pile on.

Could we get off the subject of the OP's motives, and get back to what she can do for her niece?
 
It saddens me to see the focus of this thread move from the child to the OP.

The Dis is a wonderful place, but we do tend to pile on.

Could we get off the subject of the OP's motives, and get back to what she can do for her niece?
What she can do is ring up a professional and pay them to fugure this all out if the parents cannot afford to. This is hardly the place to get advice for something like this. if the parents don't want her financial help to pay a professional then she has tried and she needs to move on.
 
Was ethical approval granted before starting research?

I agree with Art. Too much time on your hands. And above, this is not the place and you’ve given out a lot of identifying information about a minor.
 
I honestly think that anyone who says they would never judge parents who don't appear to be addressing their child's issues is lying.

The think the idea that someone on an annonymous message board who is listing concerns is required to give a compliment list as well, is ridiculous. She listed concerns, it was not a comprehensive report in the child.

From what the op said it sounds like child has loving parents. But it also sounds like they are resistant to a diagnosis (or muliple diagnoses) that could get dc help. Schools cannot diagnose. Family members can help parents face up to a diagnosis and realize it doesn't mean child isn't loved and lovable.

Op obviously loves child too or she would simply avoid the child.
Ummmm....that is why schools have school psychologists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, and many other specialists. If a referral is made (and the parents agree) the schools absolutely can diagnose. A licensed psychologist can diagnose behaviors in a child whether paid by the school district of via a private practice.

One of my immediate family is a very highly regarded school psychologist who also has a private practice. She is a favorite to call into court as an expert witness on childhood disabilities. She makes tons of official diagnosis both through the school district she works and in her private practice.

The OP sees the child once or twice a year. She has no idea what the parents are doing with the child. To say this is bad parenting, which if you look at the title of the thread and her first sentence she absolutely says this, without really knowing the child and the parenting, is just mean and yes, I will judge the OP on trashing a 9 year old on a public message board.

And no, I would not judge parents and also write a VERY negative laundry list of all the bad behaviors implying this child is on the spectrum.

There is a way to list concerns and a way to list negative behaviors. The side comments in her laundry list makes it obvious that this is a list of negative behaviors.
 
Last weekend, I did some of the stuff that @MrsCobraBubbles suggested. Also used some of the techniques that a friend suggested (friend who works w/kids who exhibit similar behaviors as this child). It worked like a charm. The transformation in her was pretty remarkable. I gifted some stuff to the child and I'm going to mail a package to her and her sibling (separate package per kid so there's no arguing about which toys belong to which child, plus I remember what it was like as a kid to get your own mail). Her favorite was this fidget cube that she played with all day long. She's very articulate and said, "I really like this fidget cube. It helps me deal with my stress." The child's mom stated that she & her husband just ignore the child most of the time.

One recent evening, DC said that she was up half the night awake because thunder & lightning were freaking her out so much. I mentioned it to DC's mom and her mom blew it off. DC & I on our own brainstormed some coping strategies in case it rained again that night with thunder and lightning and then she wasn't as anxious about going to bed that night. This is a kid who feels like she can't even talk to her parents about this stuff. How do I know this? Because the DC told me so.

And yeah, you can call me judgmental because in this particular situation, I am most definitely judgmental and I'm not going to apologize for it. I saw how stressed out this kid is. And if somebody were to actually listen to her once in awhile, she will actually tell you flat out what she needs.

She's a good kid, a smart kid, a caring child, a smart child. And she's also a child who is really struggling with how to deal with the world around her. The kid deserves engaged parents who give a darn. I am hopeful that the school system will intervene at some point or that maybe the child's mom will listen to the mom of one of the kid's BFFs...DC's mom said, "You know what's kind of ironic? DC's BFF was diagnosed w/Asperger's & ADHD and DC does all of the same weird stuff that she does, too. Isn't that interesting?"

I said, "Yeah, hm, that is interesting" and said nothing more. That mom (the BFF's mom) introduced DC to a weighted blanket during a sleep over at the BFF's house. DC thinks the weighted blanket is really great. DC's mom is going to get her one. DC's mom is also going to get her a weighted vest, too, because DC likes how it feels on her.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to all of the very helpful suggestions and input that everyone provided.
 

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