Tell me it's going to be ok...college UPDATE pg 3******

Sabeking

DIS Veteran
Joined
Sep 2, 2004
We moved our daughter into school yesterday. She is super quiet and shy. I asked her who she ate dinner with. She said her suite mates went to eat and did not ask her. She ate alone and I asked her if she was good? She said yea, I have my tv.:sad: It's bad enough that I am sad that she is gone but to think she is lonely kills my soul. I did not cry when we left today till about half an hour later. I did not want to get upset in front of her. Encouraging words, stories...I'll take whatever you will share!!
 
I know that must be hard! I would gently encourage her to make an effort with her suite mates. They're going to be living together for a while, so encouraging her that getting to know them better now will make a less awkward living situation. Maybe she can invite them to grab dinner tomorrow?

Or, an idea: maybe give your DD some money to order pizza for all of them? It's rare that college students would turn down free food!
 
I know that must be hard! I would gently encourage her to make an effort with her suite mates. They're going to be living together for a while, so encouraging her that getting to know them better now will make a less awkward living situation. Maybe she can invite them to grab dinner tomorrow?

Or, an idea: maybe give your DD some money to order pizza for all of them? It's rare that college students would turn down free food!


Thank you for the idea! I can see that they have different interests than her but hopefully they can find some commonality. My fear for her is that she is so shy that she will not seek out kids who like the same thing as her. I am encouring her to find some clubs to join.
 
This is coming from my son (a college senior now). He says:

Freshman year is not easy for any introvert. He was pretty lonely for the first semester and half of the second until he found his group of friends. He says now that he wished had joined an organization. Any organization that appeals to you. For instance, if she's a business major, she should "rush" a business fraternity. This is not the regular social fraternity/sorority stuff. He says every major has some sort of group/organization/fraternity. They treat new people there really well and usually make an effort to hang out with you. He resisted doing it because he was nervous and didn't do it until junior year. He thinks she should join as many organizations as you can and then stick with one that's your favorite. If you don't join anything it will be really hard to just rely on who is in your dorm or classes. Is last thought is that she WILL make friends eventually. Every introvert does unless there is seriously some other social problem. In your classes your put in group projects all the time. It will happen. These first few weeks are going to be tough if you're an introvert. My son said that when he first got to his dorm, a lot of them knew each other from various high school associations. He knew no one. It will get better though!!
 


This is coming from my son (a college senior now). He says:

Freshman year is not easy for any introvert. He was pretty lonely for the first semester and half of the second until he found his group of friends. He says now that he wished had joined an organization. Any organization that appeals to you. For instance, if she's a business major, she should "rush" a business fraternity. This is not the regular social fraternity/sorority stuff. He says every major has some sort of group/organization/fraternity. They treat new people there really well and usually make an effort to hang out with you. He resisted doing it because he was nervous and didn't do it until junior year. He thinks she should join as many organizations as you can and then stick with one that's your favorite. If you don't join anything it will be really hard to just rely on who is in your dorm or classes. Is last thought is that she WILL make friends eventually. Every introvert does unless there is seriously some other social problem. In your classes your put in group projects all the time. It will happen. These first few weeks are going to be tough if you're an introvert. My son said that when he first got to his dorm, a lot of them knew each other from various high school associations. He knew no one. It will get better though!!


Tell your son thank you so much!! That is encouraging! All of her suite mates knew people and she doesn't know anyone so it was tough. I agree she has to get involved in something outside of her classes and dorm for sure!!
 
there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Some of the loneliest times in my life I have been surrounded by people in a group etc some of my most contented and comfortable times are when I am by myself. She will find herself, she will find people she connects with and these people may not necessarily be her room mates. Its only day one, there no rule that says you and your room mate are soul mates the instant you meet. Thats what going to college is all about, meeting all sorts of people and having new experiences
 
We moved our daughter into school yesterday. She is super quiet and shy. I asked her who she ate dinner with. She said her suite mates went to eat and did not ask her. She ate alone and I asked her if she was good? She said yea, I have my tv.:sad: It's bad enough that I am sad that she is gone but to think she is lonely kills my soul. I did not cry when we left today till about half an hour later. I did not want to get upset in front of her. Encouraging words, stories...I'll take whatever you will share!!
It's so hard to leave them that first year.

I would also suggest encouraging her to get out of her shy bubble and interact more----to ask the roomates if she can join them in heading to dinner instead of sitting quietly hoping they ask her. The suitemates might not be sure of hse is just quiet or wants some space or doesn't like them for some reason. . .

I think you are on the right track to encourage her to join some club--most schools have tons of clubs to choose from, and any of them would get her out and meeting people with possibly common interests. The unis I am familiar with usually have an activities fair the first weekend or week with booths set up about all the different options, wher students can wander through, see whts on offer, ask questions of current members, etc.

And hopefully she has a good RA who will notice she's shy and reach out and gently press her ot join buildingwide activities, etc.

At the end of hte day, she really has to put in a little effort to socialize. Nothing major, but little thigns like saying "hey can I come too" instead of waitng to be invited to dinner (or goign first and saying "I'm heading to dinner soon, do you guys want to join me?" if she can't bring herself to invite her self . . .)
 


As a recent graduate, it is hard, but it will be ok! There is a lot of adjusting that happens during the first few weeks. Once she starts getting into her classes and activities for her major, she will begin meeting more people and it will be a lot easier for her to socialize with them. I was the same way when I first got there, but then you see the same people in your major classes all the time and it is hard NOT to become friends with a lot of them. However, I also hated going out and partying and doing all that, so I also stayed in my room watching Netflix all the time, so there is nothing wrong with that either!
 
It's so hard to leave them that first year.

I would also suggest encouraging her to get out of her shy bubble and interact more----to ask the roomates if she can join them in heading to dinner instead of sitting quietly hoping they ask her. The suitemates might not be sure of hse is just quiet or wants some space or doesn't like them for some reason. . .

I think you are on the right track to encourage her to join some club--most schools have tons of clubs to choose from, and any of them would get her out and meeting people with possibly common interests. The unis I am familiar with usually have an activities fair the first weekend or week with booths set up about all the different options, wher students can wander through, see whts on offer, ask questions of current members, etc.

And hopefully she has a good RA who will notice she's shy and reach out and gently press her ot join buildingwide activities, etc.

At the end of hte day, she really has to put in a little effort to socialize. Nothing major, but little thigns like saying "hey can I come too" instead of waitng to be invited to dinner (or goign first and saying "I'm heading to dinner soon, do you guys want to join me?" if she can't bring herself to invite her self . . .)


I totally agree she has to make an effort! I asked her why she did not ask to go with them and she said, " I don't want to be that person!" So, she sees it as a negative about herself. She has some real insecurities and this year will drive her further in her shell or challenge her to see herself as the smart and clever girl she is. Praying for the latter!!
 
As a recent graduate, it is hard, but it will be ok! There is a lot of adjusting that happens during the first few weeks. Once she starts getting into her classes and activities for her major, she will begin meeting more people and it will be a lot easier for her to socialize with them. I was the same way when I first got there, but then you see the same people in your major classes all the time and it is hard NOT to become friends with a lot of them. However, I also hated going out and partying and doing all that, so I also stayed in my room watching Netflix all the time, so there is nothing wrong with that either!


I like this a thousand times!!! She is a Netflix girl; not a party girl. Now, her sister knows no strangers!!! Amazing how sisters can be polar opposites!
 
The two universities I lived in dorms at all had extensive activities planned during the week following move-in ("Frosh Week", "First Year Week", "Orientation Week"). Some were for that residence hall, others multiple halls, and still others the wide university community. Most were free. Often they involved free food and non-alcohol beverages (water, soda) to encourage participation :-) They were a great opportunity to meet people, at least to become familiar with some of the faces in your dorm and on campus. Also a great way to learn about the "traditions" of the institution.

That same week should also have events like "club fairs" where the various student clubs and organizations will have displays so students can learn more about them. Joining organizations is a good way to meet people with common interests.

The recreation center will often have free classes that week. Great way to try them out and see if they are something you want to continue doing. But also a good way to meet people.

One's major program or the college/school it is under will also often have activities. Great way to meet people in your major or similar programs. And the activities are usually pretty fun.

Even just getting out and going for a walk (safely) around campus can be a way to meet people as you encounter events happening. Also, it is a GREAT way to figure out where all your classes are going to be and how to get to them [nothing like trying to figure out how to get to an 8 am class... much better to have gone to the room the week before when you have all the time in the world :-) ]. LIkewise where your major's and professors and advisor offices are. And the library [they may have orientation sessions that help you learn where stuff is and how to use the facility]. Health Centre [they may have some health information sessions]. Basically, take a campus map and go exploring.

While exploring can also be a good time to try the other cafeterias your meal plan lets you eat at. My 2 universities let us eat at any of the dorm cafeterias on campus. Some were better than others or had different kinds of selections :-) Exploring them became kind of fun, and it is great to know for when you have classes at the far end of campus that the cafe over there is pretty decent.

Also, I second the PP who said that being alone is not the same as lonely.

SW
 
I like this a thousand times!!! She is a Netflix girl; not a party girl. Now, her sister knows no strangers!!! Amazing how sisters can be polar opposites!
My oldest is a junior this year----they spend a lot of time hanging out in blanket forts with a few friends watchng movies on Netflix; there are plenty of social oppurtunities for the "not a party girl" types on most campuses. Your daughter just has to find them.


Also, my oldest was an RA last year. I know that they could not give parents information, but they could get information from parents and act on it. My kid would have welcomed a short email from a parent just letitng them know they worried about their child being lonely and too timid to reach out and make friends. They would have invited such a student to dinner a few times, made an effort to get them to the activites fair, etc. I don't know if all collegs would appreciate such a heads up (this one has a very high percentage of first generation students and makes extra effort to help the kids aclimate), but you might keep in mind the idea of contacint the RA to help.
 
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My oldest is a junior this year----they spend a lot of time hanging out in blanket forts with a few friends wahting movies on Netflix; there are plenty of social oppurtunities for the "not a party girl" types on most campuses. Your daughter just has to find them.


Also, ny oldest was an RA last year. I know that they could not give parents information, but they could get information from parents and act on it. My kid would have welcomed a short email from a parent just letitng them know they worried about their kid being lonely and too timid to reach out and make friends. They would have invited such a student to dinner a few times, made an effort to get them to the activites fair, etc. I don't know if all collegs would appreciate sucha heads up (this one has a very high percentage of first generation students and makes extra effort to help the kids aclimate), but you might keep in mind the idea of contacint the RA to help.

Excellent idea about the RA. I will wait and get a feel as the next week or two pass.
 
The two universities I lived in dorms at all had extensive activities planned during the week following move-in ("Frosh Week", "First Year Week", "Orientation Week"). Some were for that residence hall, others multiple halls, and still others the wide university community. Most were free. Often they involved free food and non-alcohol beverages (water, soda) to encourage participation :-) They were a great opportunity to meet people, at least to become familiar with some of the faces in your dorm and on campus. Also a great way to learn about the "traditions" of the institution.

That same week should also have events like "club fairs" where the various student clubs and organizations will have displays so students can learn more about them. Joining organizations is a good way to meet people with common interests.

The recreation center will often have free classes that week. Great way to try them out and see if they are something you want to continue doing. But also a good way to meet people.

One's major program or the college/school it is under will also often have activities. Great way to meet people in your major or similar programs. And the activities are usually pretty fun.

Even just getting out and going for a walk (safely) around campus can be a way to meet people as you encounter events happening. Also, it is a GREAT way to figure out where all your classes are going to be and how to get to them [nothing like trying to figure out how to get to an 8 am class... much better to have gone to the room the week before when you have all the time in the world :-) ]. LIkewise where your major's and professors and advisor offices are. And the library [they may have orientation sessions that help you learn where stuff is and how to use the facility]. Health Centre [they may have some health information sessions]. Basically, take a campus map and go exploring.

While exploring can also be a good time to try the other cafeterias your meal plan lets you eat at. My 2 universities let us eat at any of the dorm cafeterias on campus. Some were better than others or had different kinds of selections :-) Exploring them became kind of fun, and it is great to know for when you have classes at the far end of campus that the cafe over there is pretty decent.

Also, I second the PP who said that being alone is not the same as lonely.

SW


Great ideas, thank you!
 
We moved our daughter into school yesterday. She is super quiet and shy. I asked her who she ate dinner with. She said her suite mates went to eat and did not ask her. She ate alone and I asked her if she was good? She said yea, I have my tv.:sad: It's bad enough that I am sad that she is gone but to think she is lonely kills my soul. I did not cry when we left today till about half an hour later. I did not want to get upset in front of her. Encouraging words, stories...I'll take whatever you will share!!

I can imagine this is what it will be like when I send my oldest, very shy dd off to school. I feel for you. It will be okay, I promise. I spent a lot of time alone when I started college and it turned out okay. I eventually met tons of people and I had the time of my life.

I'd like to suggest that she get some part time job, even if it's 10 hours a week, on campus, coffee shop, anything. That's where I met a lot of my friends -- at work.
 
We moved our daughter into school yesterday. She is super quiet and shy. I asked her who she ate dinner with. She said her suite mates went to eat and did not ask her. She ate alone and I asked her if she was good? She said yea, I have my tv.:sad: It's bad enough that I am sad that she is gone but to think she is lonely kills my soul. I did not cry when we left today till about half an hour later. I did not want to get upset in front of her. Encouraging words, stories...I'll take whatever you will share!!
No advice but hang in there!:grouphug:
 
You are going to shed a lot of tears; my oldest granddaughter graduated last December. For the first year, her mother had to say (several times a week) "no, you have to last out the first semester/year". By sophomore year, she couldn't imagine going anywhere else! She is also rather shy and introverted, but she did join a sorority and that helped; also, her roommate was in AFROTC and granddaughter joined the support organization and made a lot of friends with that. She became local and regional president before her years were finished. Your daughter will do fine, but just remember one thing. When she hangs up after wringing your heart completely dry, you will continue crying while she, having been comforted by you, goes on to the next adventure.
 
You are going to shed a lot of tears; my oldest granddaughter graduated last December. For the first year, her mother had to say (several times a week) "no, you have to last out the first semester/year". By sophomore year, she couldn't imagine going anywhere else! She is also rather shy and introverted, but she did join a sorority and that helped; also, her roommate was in AFROTC and granddaughter joined the support organization and made a lot of friends with that. She became local and regional president before her years were finished. Your daughter will do fine, but just remember one thing. When she hangs up after wringing your heart completely dry, you will continue crying while she, having been comforted by you, goes on to the next adventure.

Thank you so much! Wise words!
 
Thank you everyone so much, all of these stories and advice are what I need to hear!
 
We just dropped DS for his freshman year. The school had four full days of orientation activities planned for the freshman. Some of them were dorm specific, and some were even floor specific. His entire floor was his orientation group. The philosophy was that the kids needed to get to know who they would be living with before branching out and meeting people in their majors or other clubs. While we had parent orientation sessions, we often saw the floor groups walking around campus, following their leader's signs and chanting together. He moved in on Tuesday and when we visited him at the dorm on Friday, he was greeting everyone up and down the hallway and in the elevator as we were going up. However, my DS is a total extrovert and I had no concerns about him making friends and getting involved.

It's a lot more difficult for an introvert to just put themselves out there, but I think your DD will need to make some effort. Rather than sitting in her room watching TV, is there a dorm lounge she could hang out in? That would be a good way to meet other residents, some who may also be looking to make friends. I also thinks it's a good idea email the RA and ask her to help your DD get integrated. Perhaps the RA could invite a few girls to go to the dining hall with her now and then. When classes start, your DD will meet an even wider variety of people. I think she'll do fine!
 

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