Testing the Waters

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First, let me say that working on your PhD at 40 is not uncommon. DH started his PhD in Cultural/Medical Anthropology at 33 and graduated at 39 in 2016. There were a number of cohort mates that were in their mid 30s to early 40s when they started. Of course there were plenty of young 20 something’s too. Guess who completed? Primarily the older students who brought with them life experiences (and often families of their own).

Now I don’t know what your program is, but don’t let your cohort mates discourage you. They are young and inexperienced in life. Most likely they have not had to confront their own issues, which requires a level of maturity that they might not have. Or they simply might not know how to address the situation and are avoiding you out of respect from concern over saying the wrong thing. If this continues remind yourself that you only have to be with them for the coursework component of the program, not the research program.

I agree about the recommendation of seeing a counselor. The university health services office should be able to assist with this if needed.

Good luck.
 
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Actually, I'm sorry.. you're barred from this thread agin. Please go elsewhere.

mom2rtk is not even the poster you "barred" the first time.

I think you've been given a lot of good, thoughtful, & clear advice on this thread.

But, honestly, if the attitude you portray on this thread is the same attitude you portray in your classes to your fellow students, I can understand why you're feeling a bit ostracized.
 


Actually, I'm sorry.. you're barred from this thread agin. Please go elsewhere.

You have come to a public forum and asked a personal question. Apparently you only want "good news" and platitudes. No one has said anything overly rude or inflammatory, proving that you DO take things way too personally.

If you didn't leave any of your cohorts in a lurch regarding school work/projects when you took your leave of absence, then I would assume 1 of the following:

a. They are uncomfortable with you since you provided an overabundance of information regarding your reason for leaving the program in the fall and they don't know what to say to you, or whether they are to acknowledge the elephant in the room (specifically, if you have been able to achieve and maintain sobriety); or

b. They are uncertain how to connect with a 40 year old man who was in the program briefly, left and has now returned. They have formed their own cliques and it may take some time for you to find a group to "fit in" with.

One suggestion I might make is attending AA meetings. I know you achieved sobriety on your own, and that is wonderful, but it might help to have others to speak to regarding your disease. I believe it is a non-judgmental group who should be able to better understand your circumstances.
 
So, we're supposed to believe that you well all your true details in the post but lie in your profile?
You have come to a public forum and asked a personal question. Apparently you only want "good news" and platitudes. No one has said anything overly rude or inflammatory, proving that you DO take things way too personally.

If you didn't leave any of your cohorts in a lurch regarding school work/projects when you took your leave of absence, then I would assume 1 of the following:

a. They are uncomfortable with you since you provided an overabundance of information regarding your reason for leaving the program in the fall and they don't know what to say to you, or whether they are to acknowledge the elephant in the room (specifically, if you have been able to achieve and maintain sobriety); or

b. They are uncertain how to connect with a 40 year old man who was in the program briefly, left and has now returned. They have formed their own cliques and it may take some time for you to find a group to "fit in" with.

One suggestion I might make is attending AA meetings. I know you achieved sobriety on your own, and that is wonderful, but it might help to have others to speak to regarding your disease. I believe it is a non-judgmental group who should be able to better understand your circumstances.

Or....

c. There isn't actually any thought (positive or negative) given to the OP and he is imagining resentment/negativity

d. As a PP pointed out, he's showing the same attitude there as he shows here.
 
So, we're supposed to believe that you well all your true details in the post but lie in your profile?


Or....

c. There isn't actually any thought (positive or negative) given to the OP and he is imagining resentment/negativity

d. As a PP pointed out, he's showing the same attitude there as he shows here.


Good additions.
 


mom2rtk is not even the poster you "barred" the first time.

I think you've been given a lot of good, thoughtful, & clear advice on this thread.

But, honestly, if the attitude you portray on this thread is the same attitude you portray in your classes to your fellow students, I can understand why you're feeling a bit ostracized.
Nope, that was me that he originally prohibited from commenting on this thread. After clarifying my statement, he "gave" me permission to comment.

I never replied because I decided it just wasn't worth the hassle.

But thanks M2rk for having my back regarding my posting privileges. I'm sorry it got you banned from this thread as a result.
 
Good additions.

Also, the OP has said that he sent drunk texts to this group of people in the past, If I were trying to concentrate on my graduate degree and these things were occurring I would give this person a wide berth too, there is just too much going on while getting a graduate degree, that I would not want to be involved in this at all, and would instead focus on my education.

No, I was born before 1981. In regard to your first paragraph, I have done a lot of reading and I've found that there is some evidence that even little things that cause change or disruption can have a ripple-like effect, which I am assuming happened in my cohort. I never went to class drunk, but yes, I did send drunk texts. None of them were insulting, but I found that I was trying not to act "my age" in an attempt to win them over. I will address your next post in my next post, as I don't know how to merge the two!
 
Congrats on your sobriety and seeking help. Are you 3 months clean or 3 weeks? I'm very confused. Regardless, Congrats! I see the good AA/NA does a number of people and it seems to be a great program (or it wouldn't have been around forever and worked for so many people). I know that people that are freshly sober often try to make 90 meetings in 90 days, which might give you something else to think about besides your fellow students - seriously, they are fellow students, they don't have to look, talk or include you in squat and why would you care? I don't think I'd notice, I know I wouldn't notice in a matter of a couple of days of just getting MYSELF back into the swing of things.

Why were you texting other students drunk or not unless it was about your studies? That would have made *me* not want to talk to you as you're not their friends, merely sharing a class space with them? You're there to get an education, not make besties, you've surely got friends at your age, or find some in AA, and of course, get a sponsor, I'm sure that person would spend a good bit of time with you and you wouldn't even think about your classmates.

Good luck and good work getting help; I know that's often the hardest part.
 
mom2rtk is not even the poster you "barred" the first time.

I think you've been given a lot of good, thoughtful, & clear advice on this thread.

But, honestly, if the attitude you portray on this thread is the same attitude you portray in your classes to your fellow students, I can understand why you're feeling a bit ostracized.

I was joking. I think that our society is losing a lot of common sense and humor because of PC garbage. You are correct; I have been given great advice which I took to heart. I have also been given some great supportive comments which made me smile. Sometimes, to break a mood, you have to make a joke and that is what I did.

I don't think I had a bad attitude on this thread. If you felt that way, I'm sorry. I am very ready to change myself in certain ways, but there are certain foundations of "me" that "I" like. I am not willing to change that part of me, and one of those things is my sense of dark humor... it got me through a lot of bad things in a former job.
 
You have come to a public forum and asked a personal question. Apparently you only want "good news" and platitudes. No one has said anything overly rude or inflammatory, proving that you DO take things way too personally.

If you didn't leave any of your cohorts in a lurch regarding school work/projects when you took your leave of absence, then I would assume 1 of the following:

a. They are uncomfortable with you since you provided an overabundance of information regarding your reason for leaving the program in the fall and they don't know what to say to you, or whether they are to acknowledge the elephant in the room (specifically, if you have been able to achieve and maintain sobriety); or

b. They are uncertain how to connect with a 40 year old man who was in the program briefly, left and has now returned. They have formed their own cliques and it may take some time for you to find a group to "fit in" with.

One suggestion I might make is attending AA meetings. I know you achieved sobriety on your own, and that is wonderful, but it might help to have others to speak to regarding your disease. I believe it is a non-judgmental group who should be able to better understand your circumstances.

I agree with everything you said. I don't like AA for reasons I don't want to get into. I haven't had a group to "fit into" since high school. I have my family, wife and 2 dogs. I'm not suggesting that this isn't enough, but I would like to have a friend. I've completely lost all social skills (if I had any to begin with) and I need to figure things out.

I need to reiterate this not only to you, but everyone else... Sure, there are some things being said that rub me the wrong way. Have I heard them before? Yes. Do I need to hear them again? Possibly. I guarantee you, though, if you met me and spent any time with me, you would find that I am one of the most honest, genuine and generous people you have ever met.
 
I agree with everything you said. I don't like AA for reasons I don't want to get into.

I know there are other support groups, and some different AA versions - one for atheists and agnostics in larger cities even. I'm involved with a support group and was involved with a different group for a while too, and both were incredibly helpful for *me* in dealing with some rough things. Having other people around who know what you've been through is very valuable. Family and friends couldn't help me work through my issues as they'd never been there. They were amazingly supportive, but they hadn't BTDT.

Again, good luck.
 
Hey everyone, I'm going to withdraw from this discussion. I was originally looking for some advice, which I received and I am very grateful for. However, it seems as though it has turned to somewhat of a psychoanalysis of what is wrong with me which I was hoping wouldn't happen.

To all, thank you. You have given me perspective on my situation, and now, having been couple of days removed, I realize that I was probably overreacting. I just want everyone to realize something. I came from a place where personal information was very sensitive, so things like age and location are somewhat guarded. I didn't lie in any of my prior posts/threads, but I didn't feel the need to give out every detail in my profile.

Again, thank you to all, those who were supportive, those who called me out on my potential BS and those who gave suggestions. I realize that putting myself "out there" was an invitation for others to analyze my life and bombard me with what I should/shouldn't do.

That being said:

YOU ARE ALL, HEREBY BARRED FROM POSTING FURTHER ON THIS THREAD, SO SAYS smmcgarry.

Mod, please close it when you get a chance? :)
 
Hey everyone, I'm going to withdraw from this discussion. I was originally looking for some advice, which I received and I am very grateful for. However, it seems as though it has turned to somewhat of a psychoanalysis of what is wrong with me which I was hoping wouldn't happen.

To all, thank you. You have given me perspective on my situation, and now, having been couple of days removed, I realize that I was probably overreacting. I just want everyone to realize something. I came from a place where personal information was very sensitive, so things like age and location are somewhat guarded. I didn't lie in any of my prior posts/threads, but I didn't feel the need to give out every detail in my profile.

Again, thank you to all, those who were supportive, those who called me out on my potential BS and those who gave suggestions. I realize that putting myself "out there" was an invitation for others to analyze my life and bombard me with what I should/shouldn't do.

That being said:

YOU ARE ALL, HEREBY BARRED FROM POSTING FURTHER ON THIS THREAD, SO SAYS smmcgarry.

Mod, please close it when you get a chance? :)

Yes please close this. A lot of rudeness going on, IMO, by the one who started this. As far as testing the waters.....very frigid. :(
 
I think I was very nice and open to all suggestions... what did I do so wrong to deserve this criticism? I really have tried to be open... thanks.
 
Maybe Kitty and Carolann don't have any friends either and hang around with their 25 cats all day.
 
Let's make one thing clear. I have a problem that is correctible with help.

I spent ten years of my life defending your rights to post, say and do whatever you want. I am not weak. I have moments of weakness, but when the time comes for people to say their final thoughts, I GUARANTEE you that "weak" will not be among those.

I was almost killed twice. I lived through it. For those of you that "get off" preying on the weak and making those people feel worse about themselves, you will not affect me. In fact, i hope that you perch before you can infect the minds of more people with your clearly negative thoughts.

I've treated myself poorly the past, but I'm learning to like myself. None of you can take that away from me.

When I'm outside of school, I lift weights, run and swim. I have a good life to look forward to.

Maybe others should take a look in the mirror and find their demons.

After hearing the advice here and listening to myself and my wife and ULTIMATELY disregarding those who feel the need to put me down, I've come to the conclusion that I'll be OK. I'll be OK because of, and in spite of some of you.

Carolann.. God Bles you too, Sweetheart.
 
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