Transgender child

robinb

DIS veteran
Joined
Aug 29, 1999
Thanks for the update. I think it's great that Tyler's school is working with him. He is a very brave boy to be who he is and you are a wonderful mom to help him on his journey. I noticed that you changed your signature :thumbsup2.

As for your mother's husband, I don't have any advise other than to block him on FB. All he is doing it making himself look foolish, but you don't need to see his garbage.
 

Grmnshplvr

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jul 8, 2014
@Grmnshplvr While I'm so very happy to see your follow-up, my heart aches that this could come between you and your Mom.

Please don't let this person define your relationship - or Tyler's relationship - with your Mom. Normally I would never advocate for this, but if at all possible, you may have to arrange to meet with your Mom when he isn't around. And see if you can arrange to have a "private" Christmas celebration without him there as well.

Who your Mom is married to is her business; you can't change that. And you don't want to be the person who "forces" her to leave him... if she is going to do that, she must come to that decision on her own.

So, cut him out of the picture. If he asks why he isn't invited or welcome, explain directly and clearly (and in words with very few syllables LOL) why he won't be welcome until he agrees to treat Tyler with respect, which includes using his proper name - Tyler.

And if he doesn't ask, or doesn't seem to care that he isn't part of those gatherings? Sounds like you maybe dodged a stinker there.

Hang in there. You are *awesome*, and Tyler is going to be great - I know, because I met his mama on the The Dis! :)

I did talk to my mom quite a bit about this and told her she is always welcome and nothing could ever change the way Tyler or I feel about her. I think she was hoping her husband would get a "pass" when I clearly said I'd cut ties with anyone that refuses to support our decision (or just don't make it worse) but I explained that my kids always come first, the risk of depression and suicide is so high with transgender kids. I know I cannot change the world or control the world but for now, I can control who comes into Tyler's life and my job is to make sure it is only people that are going to be positive, and supportive. That is something they'll just have to accept or make a decision.
 

Princesca

<3 Pink sugar heart attack! <3
Joined
Jun 14, 2011
I did talk to my mom quite a bit about this and told her she is always welcome and nothing could ever change the way Tyler or I feel about her. I think she was hoping her husband would get a "pass" when I clearly said I'd cut ties with anyone that refuses to support our decision (or just don't make it worse) but I explained that my kids always come first, the risk of depression and suicide is so high with transgender kids. I know I cannot change the world or control the world but for now, I can control who comes into Tyler's life and my job is to make sure it is only people that are going to be positive, and supportive. That is something they'll just have to accept or make a decision.
I agree - your job is to protect your child, first and foremost. Bravo for taking such a principled stand. Tyler is lucky to have you as his advocate!
 
  • Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    Well i ended up unfriending my moms husband on facebook yesterday, for some reason the audio tape of Trump got him into a frenzie about transgender people using the bathroom and if they want to they better get use to locker room talk. I had had enough and finally deleted him. My mom hasn't mentioned it, maybe he wont notice. I feel a whole lot better knowing I'm not torturing myself seeing his crap everyday
     

    robinb

    DIS veteran
    Joined
    Aug 29, 1999
    I don't think people are notified when they are unfriended. I'm glad you did. I still can't believe that someone would be so tone deaf about his own wife's family. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
     

    Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    I don't think people are notified when they are unfriended. I'm glad you did. I still can't believe that someone would be so tone deaf about his own wife's family. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

    I dont think he even noticed honestly. Once in a while he'll send me a funny video of dogs but other than that we have no relationship. My mom and I aren't that close and she'll never stick up for me or Tyler so I dont really expect too much honestly. We have some time before the holidays so hopefully something will be resolved before then I usually have the holidays at my house but I am not offering this year. I figure if my mom has it, then we always have the option to leave if we need to.
     
  • Hannahinwonderland

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Apr 7, 2014
    So glad to come back and see this update. You are a fantastic parent & Tyler is so lucky to have you. He is going to have a way happier & healthier life because of your support.
     

    Bigwands

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jul 30, 2014
    My brother came out as trans about 3 or 4 years ago and reading this reminded me of the "learning curve". Initially we were all concerned about future difficulties and how different everything would be but now I can't imagine him as anyone but my amazing baby brother. He's just finished his first semester of college and, to the best of my knowledge, is having a great time. I'm not a mother, but maybe it might be nice to hear from someone on this side of things that as confusing as this time is (everyone has a slightly different idea of what their gender means) it won't always be. I'm so happy for your son that he has a family to support him.
     

    DisFanJen

    Disney Phreak
    Joined
    Sep 3, 2011
    Hi Grmnshplvr!

    I just want to say what an amazing parent you are!

    What Tyler is going through isn't easy and having a supportive parent just makes things that little bit easier.

    Trust me, as a person who hasn't spoken to her father in 16 years I know the heartache of rejection by a parent and the fact that you've said 'I accept you for who you are' is priceless.
     
  • Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    Just wanted to update Tyler is doing great, his grades went from barely passing last year to 80's and 90's, some high 90s even. The teachers all gave great remarks on his report card too I am so proud of him! He does struggle with depression and I think most of that was anxiety of having to see the entire family for the holidays, now that that is over he is feeling a lot better. He is dealing with some bullying, particularly with 2 boys in his school. The school is away and monitoring the situation. Since they've been back from christmas break though he said its been fine.

    we did have an incident 2 months ago or so, a student pushed him into the lockers and called him a homophobic slur. I immediately called the superintendent and principle, and that was dealt with very quickly. No issues with the student since then.

    In other news Tyler and I were asked by his psychologist to speak at a local college that was having a conference for physicians and educators. They asked us questions about our experience and what policies they could put in place at their schools or offices to help transgender people. I watched my 12 year old baby speak on a panel with a microphone to a room full of adults. It was definitely a proud mom moment!
     

    *Tiggerific*

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jan 27, 2017
    I have just looked over this thread and it has brought tears in my eyes. The support that you have given as a parent is amazing and you are a very special person for doing so. You relationship with your child is going to be such a joyous one because of the decision you made and helped them make for there future to make them a happier person in life. It really takes a special person to do that. Bravo.
     

    Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    I have just looked over this thread and it has brought tears in my eyes. The support that you have given as a parent is amazing and you are a very special person for doing so. You relationship with your child is going to be such a joyous one because of the decision you made and helped them make for there future to make them a happier person in life. It really takes a special person to do that. Bravo.

    Thank you so much. Not supporting him was never an option. It's my job as mom to be his safe and soft place. Always <3
     

    mmmagique

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Mar 18, 2005
    I'm so glad you have been (and are) there for your son. When my son came out to me, he wrote me a letter. In that letter he stressed that he was not going through a phase. I now feel that his doing so was a huge blessing for me, as I can see how you struggled thinking it might be just a phase. I totally understand all you are going through, and am right there with you. And good for you cutting toxic "grandpa" out of your life; it sounds like you'll all be better off without him.
     

    ~Michy~

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    May 6, 2017
    To the OP, I want to express how wonderful a job I think you are doing with your child. When I was 11 years old I started really realizing that I just didn't have the same attraction to the boys as my other girlfriends had. I never really questioned if I wanted to wear a bra or not or whether my period was going to be a big hassle to me, but I just started noticing things. I did the same thing as your child did and went to my Mom and well being from a religious upbringing she did not handle it the way you have. I can tell you one thing the way you handled this at your child's age of 11 will certainly affect your relationship with your child in the future. My relationship with my Mom is so distant now it is very sad. We may speak 3 times a year. She still does not accept my being a Lesbian and the thing that hurts the most there isn't a thing I can do about that. So keep doing exactly what you are doing and support your child's needs no matter what direction they take.
     

    Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    Kind of wanted to give an update here since we just finished the first year of school since he came out. What a year it's been. He is in a much better place emotionally now than he was 2 years ago. His grades really reflect that. He finished with a 89 average, on the merit roll and nothing but good remarks from his teachers. The yearbook this year had the name Tyler and that was just something that he was so worried they'd get it wrong (we haven't legally changed his name yet) but the school was great about it I wish I could figure out how to post the picture here....the smile.

    He has a great group of friends that support him and whose parents hold no judgement, or at least, they keep it to themselves if they do. He's been busy with different clubs and stuff at school, 2 plays, chorus, drama club, art club, and yearbook club. Since he's come out he's just been more involved and its truly amazing to watch someone come out of their shell and be who they are.

    2 weeks ago we walked in the pride parade. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I am so glad we did. Although we have great friends and family sometimes it can feel a little bit lonely to not have anyone very close to you experience this, but walking that parade and seeing crowds and crowds of people all accepting, supportive, and happy,....well, I guess we just didn't feel so alone. He needed that, and I did too.

    I dont want to make it all sound like glitter and fun, because it isn't. He has struggled with comments at school and does struggle with bouts of depression. I am constantly worried about his safety and a small part of me very much mourns for the little girl I thought he was for 12 years. It's tough, and old home videos can be so bittersweet. But we just keep looking forward...

    We have a lot of plans this summer and fun things coming up. This year will be Tyler's first trip to Disney as Tyler. That is huge and something he talks about all the time. Most of our family photos are of us at Disney, all of them were before he came out. I am looking forward to getting our first family photo in front of the castle with him being who he was meant to be.
     

    wilkeliza

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 1, 2013
    Kind of wanted to give an update here since we just finished the first year of school since he came out. What a year it's been. He is in a much better place emotionally now than he was 2 years ago. His grades really reflect that. He finished with a 89 average, on the merit roll and nothing but good remarks from his teachers. The yearbook this year had the name Tyler and that was just something that he was so worried they'd get it wrong (we haven't legally changed his name yet) but the school was great about it I wish I could figure out how to post the picture here....the smile.

    He has a great group of friends that support him and whose parents hold no judgement, or at least, they keep it to themselves if they do. He's been busy with different clubs and stuff at school, 2 plays, chorus, drama club, art club, and yearbook club. Since he's come out he's just been more involved and its truly amazing to watch someone come out of their shell and be who they are.

    2 weeks ago we walked in the pride parade. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I am so glad we did. Although we have great friends and family sometimes it can feel a little bit lonely to not have anyone very close to you experience this, but walking that parade and seeing crowds and crowds of people all accepting, supportive, and happy,....well, I guess we just didn't feel so alone. He needed that, and I did too.

    I dont want to make it all sound like glitter and fun, because it isn't. He has struggled with comments at school and does struggle with bouts of depression. I am constantly worried about his safety and a small part of me very much mourns for the little girl I thought he was for 12 years. It's tough, and old home videos can be so bittersweet. But we just keep looking forward...

    We have a lot of plans this summer and fun things coming up. This year will be Tyler's first trip to Disney as Tyler. That is huge and something he talks about all the time. Most of our family photos are of us at Disney, all of them were before he came out. I am looking forward to getting our first family photo in front of the castle with him being who he was meant to be.
    Thank you for the update! Stories like yours might be the one that help another parent struggling through this. Also thank you for letting him march in Pride! You are right it is such a beautiful display of acceptance and support. Sure it can get a little cliche at times but when you see massive companies like Disney, Jetblue, the police department, fire departments, churches, etc marching for you (the major you that is the LGBT community) then you are reminded that there are a ton of people out there wiling to accept you as you are.

    Also just know it is completely okay to mourn and grieve the little girl portion that was lost. That doesn't mean you love Tyler your son any less it is just a natural response to a loss. Every parent has a thought for what they want for their child, marriage, babies, health, etc and when something changes that your mind needs to process the change and it does end up feeling like mourning. That is one of the struggles that the family of someone who transitions (or comes out) needs to know is okay and acceptable and it is the part we deal with on our own away from the other person. So just know you are still awesome even if looking back is still hard. One day it will just be apart of Tyler's story like anyone else's.
     

    Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    Thank you for the update! Stories like yours might be the one that help another parent struggling through this. Also thank you for letting him march in Pride! You are right it is such a beautiful display of acceptance and support. Sure it can get a little cliche at times but when you see massive companies like Disney, Jetblue, the police department, fire departments, churches, etc marching for you (the major you that is the LGBT community) then you are reminded that there are a ton of people out there wiling to accept you as you are.

    Also just know it is completely okay to mourn and grieve the little girl portion that was lost. That doesn't mean you love Tyler your son any less it is just a natural response to a loss. Every parent has a thought for what they want for their child, marriage, babies, health, etc and when something changes that your mind needs to process the change and it does end up feeling like mourning. That is one of the struggles that the family of someone who transitions (or comes out) needs to know is okay and acceptable and it is the part we deal with on our own away from the other person. So just know you are still awesome even if looking back is still hard. One day it will just be apart of Tyler's story like anyone else's.

    Seeing the huge corporations flying the pride flag was something! But what got me, almost brought me to tears, for some reason, was this little elderly man sitting on his front porch alone, waving a transgender flag in one hand, and pride flag in the other, next to his American flag hanging from his porch. We tend to think older generations can't accept things like this but I'll tell you my grandfather (81) and my husbands grandfather (78, recently passed) used the name Tyler from the moment we told them, no questions asked. My grandfather told me "as long as he's happy, he isn't bothering anyone!" Both of these men put Tyler on his Christmas card. That meant everything to Tyler!
     

    gryffindors

    goof of the week
    Joined
    Jun 6, 2017
    2 weeks ago we walked in the pride parade. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I am so glad we did. Although we have great friends and family sometimes it can feel a little bit lonely to not have anyone very close to you experience this, but walking that parade and seeing crowds and crowds of people all accepting, supportive, and happy,....well, I guess we just didn't feel so alone. He needed that, and I did too.

    I dont want to make it all sound like glitter and fun, because it isn't. He has struggled with comments at school and does struggle with bouts of depression. I am constantly worried about his safety and a small part of me very much mourns for the little girl I thought he was for 12 years. It's tough, and old home videos can be so bittersweet. But we just keep looking forward...
    I am just here to echo what so many before me have already said, you are knocking it out of the park in the supportive parent department. I'm not parents, but I do have several trans or non-binary friends and any of them would have been lucky to have a mother who respects them to this degree, especially at 11/12. Tyler seems to really be flourishing now that he is living as his authentic self! :hippie:
     


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