Wedding RSVP’s

sk!mom

DIS Veteran
Joined
Dec 30, 2000
Goodness I couldn't imagine this. Would you have a bouncer at the door or something? And what would happen when Aunt Sally gets really upset because she is 100% certain that she tried that "link thing" and was sure she had rsvpd?

If these are people that I liked enough to invite to the wedding, that I wouldn't mind sending out a quick reminder text to double check. Seems like turning people away at the door would lead to a lot of long term drama amid a family/friend group - and that's not how I would want my/my child's wedding to be remembered.
My dear Aunt “Sally” was my one actual call rather than a text. And yep, “I tried that link thing but...” followed by, “of course I’m coming.” Her feelings would have been so hurt had she shown up and found her name missing from the seating chart. it was much easier to call her, catch up a bit, and check in with her.
 
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TipsyTraveler

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jan 9, 2014
Goodness I couldn't imagine this. Would you have a bouncer at the door or something? And what would happen when Aunt Sally gets really upset because she is 100% certain that she tried that "link thing" and was sure she had rsvpd?

If these are people that I liked enough to invite to the wedding, that I wouldn't mind sending out a quick reminder text to double check. Seems like turning people away at the door would lead to a lot of long term drama amid a family/friend group - and that's not how I would want my/my child's wedding to be remembered.
I’m picturing a formal event with an exact number of place settings based on the names of those who RSVP’d. It wouldn’t be too hard to explain to someone why there’s no seat, meal, or space available for someone who showed up without notice. What I can’t imagine is a guest expecting that I would’ve included (and paid for!) them in the planning process when they couldn’t even bother with the basic courtesy to let me know if they would be attending. And realistically, if people can’t take the time to respond to an RSVP, I doubt they’re going to go through the effort of getting a gift, dressing up, and showing up unannounced. I wouldn’t be worried about needing a bouncer to hold back the hypothetical hoards of people trying to get in.

The handful of people who I truly cared to have in attendance are people who I would be in regular contact with anyway, so I would know if they were planning to be there regardless because it would’ve come up in conversation. The other 350? I’ll take their non-response at face value and assume they’re not coming.
 

violina

Mouseketeer
Joined
Jun 13, 2013
For some people, it's that they forgot. Sometimes in cases where they put it aside to figure out logistics but then assumed that they responded, when of course, they did not. Then you have your regular group of people who just don't understand the importance of responding. When I planned our wedding, we had a cutoff and anyone who hadn't responded needed to be contacted to assure whether or not they'd be in attendance.
 
  • _19disnA

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Aug 8, 2018
    Apparently those who didn't reply don't grasp that the wedding venue typically wants a final number a certain number of days prior to the event since they need to plan for staffing/seating/food/etc. and often you will get charged for the number you commit to even if not a formal sit down meal. It is poor etiquette to not reply to a wedding invitation regardless of whether you are or aren't planning to attend.

    No one is going to be standing at the door and checking names off of the 'reply' list so to suggest that would somehow allow you to turn away those not replying isn't realistic. Even if that was possible, it is too late to set out more tables and the food has already been prepared. Anyone who suggests that as an alternative hasn't been involved in planning a recent wedding.
     

    fly girl

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jan 20, 2012
    OP, I am glad you got it all updated. Woo hoo!

    But, I will say it is so incredibly rude not to RSVP. :mad: I don't care if it is a wedding, shower, or kid's birthday party. Take the 2 minutes to check mark the box and put it in the mailbox or hit send if it is an e-vite. Your family member or friend cared enough to invite you, care enough to respond. Geez.

    Total pet peeve of mine.
     

    leebee

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Sep 14, 1999
    Update...by this evening, we have heard from everyone. Our “yeses” only increased by about 40 but those 40 showing up on the day would have been stressful.
    Wow, if you'd just assumed the non-respondents weren't going to come, you would have had a real fiasco on your hands on the day of the wedding! DD was married last June. We sent out 150 invitations and didn't hear from just 3 (and all live in the same house). We contacted them, they said they were trying to figure out the logistics but it didn't look like they'd be able to make it. These were "important" people to DD so we figured we could float 3 guests if they showed up (it was a buffet meal) and the planner said not to include them in the final number- she agreed that with a buffet, 3 people wouldn't matter and they could charge us day-of if they showed up. Of course they couldn't make it, let us know about 5 days in advance, but we would have been covered if they'd come. I cannot IMAGINE if 40 people just showed up, unexpectedly!
     
  • tarheelmjfan

    Proud Redhead
    Joined
    May 10, 2001
    We went to a wedding where about 30 people attended who hadn’t RSVPd. The groom’s mother (hostess) wasn’t very happy. They ran out of cake. We didn’t get any. And, yes, we RSVPd
    Did they have enough food? I've never been to a wedding that didn't have a big enough cake to serve at least twice the number of people that attended. The wedding cake, grooms cake &/or additional cupcakes are usually the thing that everyone goes big on.
     

    Disney1fan2002

    <font color=red>Like OMG the TF is SOO psyched to
    Joined
    Jun 21, 2002
    We went to a wedding where about 30 people attended who hadn’t RSVPd. The groom’s mother (hostess) wasn’t very happy. They ran out of cake. We didn’t get any. And, yes, we RSVPd
    I'm sorry, but every wedding reception I have been to has a table set up with cards. Each card has a guests name and their table#. You find your card, then you find your table. If you did not RSVP, you would not have a card with a table #. You would not have anywhere to sit. Nobody has to stand at the door. The table assignment is at the door. Anyone who just walks into a reception without having a seat assignment, is a wedding crasher, IMO.
     
  • mjkacmom

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 20, 2006
    I'm sorry, but every wedding reception I have been to has a table set up with cards. Each card has a guests name and their table#. You find your card, then you find your table. If you did not RSVP, you would not have a card with a table #. You would not have anywhere to sit. Nobody has to stand at the door. The table assignment is at the door. Anyone who just walks into a reception without having a seat assignment, is a wedding crasher, IMO.
    That’s the norm here but I didn’t have set tables. It was a cocktail reception, so basically hours of passed food and stations. It was a historic mansion, with tables on the front porch, inside, and in the back under the tent by the dance floor. We had bars inside and out, and had some tables reserved for the older folks like grandparents. It worked out well with the majority of the younger crowd in the back, more mature crowd in the front.
     

    sk!mom

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Dec 30, 2000
    I'm sorry, but every wedding reception I have been to has a table set up with cards. Each card has a guests name and their table#. You find your card, then you find your table. If you did not RSVP, you would not have a card with a table #. You would not have anywhere to sit. Nobody has to stand at the door. The table assignment is at the door. Anyone who just walks into a reception without having a seat assignment, is a wedding crasher, IMO.
    Yes, my DD’s venue requires table assignments and her wedding planner strongly encourages them.

    Her wedding planner said, I’m not afraid to say to anyone who attends with out responding, “did you bring a chair and a sandwich?” But as she said, they aren’t my friends or family. She assured them that it’s much better to check in with people rather than assume.

    I googled it and apparently checking with people is perfectly acceptable.
     

    ronandannette

    I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!
    Joined
    May 4, 2006
    I admit to having ignored some RSVPs in the past, but that’s only because I had no intention of going. Yes, I know it’s rude and I would never do it now. Having said that, I would NEVER show up at an RSVP event without first responding yes.
    I can't remember if I ever ignored an RSVP but I do agree I'd never consider attending an event of any kind without having replied. We're kind of past the season of life where we get invited to a lot of weddings; now DS's friends are beginning to marry and I've tried to impress on him he needs to return the RSVP. It seems people his age don't put much stock in a lot of what we thought of as crucial points of etiquette. The OP implied as much herself when mentioning her future SIL.
    My favorite thing is when people absolutely insist they will be there, and then don’t show up and don’t even bother to call. 🤬
    At our own wedding (with a formal, plated dinner) we lost half a dozen between the church and reception. I would have loved to have known in advance they weren't planning to come to dinner and either saved the cost or expanded the guest-list. :(
     

    Patience

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 7, 2011
    My favorite thing is when people absolutely insist they will be there, and then don’t show up and don’t even bother to call. 🤬
    My oldest daughter was married last November and they had this situation as well as having to phone/chase down people for their RSVP. A lot of people who didn't RSVP by the deadline responded that they "thought" they had already replied. Others said that they were still "trying to figure out" if they could be there or not. My daughter told those people that if they couldn't give an answer, there would unfortunately not be a seat for them since they were having a seating chart and a headcount due to the caterer. In the end, they had about 165 people attend out of the 200 or so invited. That was pretty good for a holiday weekend (the Saturday after Thanksgiving). There were not any unexpected guests except for 2 people asking if they could bring a date at the last minute. There were, however, a handful of people who responded yes and then did not show up, including a family member (cousin) and her daughter. This family member said she didn't attend because she decided she was too upset to go since her husband had left her 2 months prior to the wedding and she decided the morning of the wedding that she didn't feel she could enjoy the wedding. Whatever.
     
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    skyblue17

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Nov 4, 2017
    Though it sounds like it was annoying, I agree that checking in was the way to go.

    My mail in my area is notoriously sketchy. I don't always receive it and the senders have had it returned multiple times for reasons I don't know. The last thing I'd want is to assume that I was invited to a wedding but never receive the actual invitation and miss out! And knowing that my mail works that way, it's fair to assume it could happen in reverse, and it'd be super embarassing to RSVP to an event, only to find that it was not received and no one checked in to make sure I had received it. The thing about RSVPs is that they should be mailed back if you are going or NOT, so if one isn't received at all, I don't think it should be considered an automatic no, especially when close friends or family are involved.
     

    Starport Seven-Five

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Aug 16, 2019
    Though it sounds like it was annoying, I agree that checking in was the way to go.

    My mail in my area is notoriously sketchy. I don't always receive it and the senders have had it returned multiple times for reasons I don't know. The last thing I'd want is to assume that I was invited to a wedding but never receive the actual invitation and miss out! And knowing that my mail works that way, it's fair to assume it could happen in reverse, and it'd be super embarassing to RSVP to an event, only to find that it was not received and no one checked in to make sure I had received it. The thing about RSVPs is that they should be mailed back if you are going or NOT, so if one isn't received at all, I don't think it should be considered an automatic no, especially when close friends or family are involved.
    Agreed. Beyond the mail being sketchy, you have people that move and some mail doesn't get forwarded. We failed to receive an invite to 2 weddings (only finding out after the fact that we was invited, but they thought I ignored the RSVP) because we moved twice in a relatively short period of time. People thought they had our "new" address because it was our new town but the address was our short term rental instead of the home we purchased.
     

    Feralpeg

    Living and Loving Windermere!
    Joined
    Dec 29, 2000
    :confused3 In general, do you think a lot of people who don't RSVP end up actually attending? I'd think not, unless they're people who are such close family or friends that they think their attendance will just be assumed?

    I did wonder the same thing though, which is why I asked the OP about the wedding venue.
    I worked as a planner on several weddings. Unfortunately, people do show that have not RSVP'd. In fact, there were times when people also brought people not invited. Both instances make for an awkward situation when there are no place settings for these folks and the caterer was not paid for their meals. At my most recent event, one of the groomsmen brought an old friend without giving anyone a heads up. The guy decided to just sit where he wanted which threw off the assigned seating. At the last minute, we had to scramble to pay for his meal.

    If an event has open seating and a buffet, lack of RSVPs isn't that big of a deal. For plated meals with assigned seating, they are very necessary.
     

    sk!mom

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Dec 30, 2000
    I would have waited until tomorrow since today is the 19th all day.
    Fair point. They have their final walk through at the venue today so they wanted to be sure that everyone was counted by last night so that they had a firm number and could discuss the floor plan at the walk through.
     



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