Wedding RSVP’s

[Hikergirl]

Fair point. They have their final walk through at the venue today so they wanted to be sure that everyone was counted by last night so that they had a firm number and could discuss the floor plan at the walk through.

I totally understand, I would have waited until the morning after the RSVP by date in case people answered later in the day/night.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

Why don’t people respond? That was one week ago. After a week of phone calls and texts we are down to the last 22.

DH is in a bad mood because I made him contact everyone he had put on the guest list this morning. He and the groom both wanted to just say, if they didn’t respond... they aren’t coming. Thank goodness for a wedding planner who told DD and her fiancé last night in their planning meeting, don't make assumptions- make phone calls.

Haha I like your husband and the groom. I would have let anyone know who did not RSVP, that the venue is now full and not to bother to travel, since they couldn't be bothered to send an email, text or phone call. I have not got the time or inclination to tap my foot over other people's lack of consideration. Tell me you're not coming, via omission? You are definitely not coming.
Show up after not RSVPing? That's why you hire attendants to turn people away, just like at the theater.

 

[sk!mom]

Haha I like your husband and the groom. I would have let anyone know who did not RSVP, that the venue is now full and not to bother to travel, since they couldn't be bothered to send an email, text or phone call. I have not got the time or inclination to tap my foot over other people's lack of consideration. Tell me you're not coming, via omission? You are definitely not coming.
Show up after not RSVPing? That's why you hire attendants to turn people away, just like at the theater.

Oh goodness, you misunderstood their position. They just felt like- if they didn’t respond , I’m sure that they aren’t coming. They are both Uber kind and polite. They would not have wanted to turn people away. They were just willing to leave it to fate rather than trouble themselves with texts or phone calls.

DH married the wrong person and DD’s fiancé is about to if they wanted girls who could be chill about 189 people who hadn’t responded. They were close to correct. Only 40 of those were yeses but what would we have done with 40 extra people!

 

[1GoldenSun]

The only problem I've found with calling the non-responders is that when asked outright if they're going to attend your event I think they're more likely to say that they will, but then they don't actually show up. I've had people do this and I can even tell by the way they say "oh, your (wedding, dinner party, whatever), that's right, I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you, um, sure, we'll be there" that it isn't "sure" that they're going to be there at all. Then later they either cancel last minute or don't show up. Not always, but I think these people are more likely to.

I've gotten where I really hate to throw any kind of event where I need an exact or close to exact head count. I used to personalize the goody bags for my kids' birthday parties but I stopped doing that because certain kids who'd RSVP's "yes" wouldn't show up and I'd have useless bags with their names on them, and others who didn't RSVP would show up and not have bags with their names on them. Try handing a goody bag that says "Lydiasaurus" to a kid named Brantley (it was dinosaur-themed) and see the look he gives you. You should have told your mom to RSVP, Brantley!

I like to host murder mystery dinners where it is imperative to know exactly who's coming because everyone has a part to play, but I've learned to improvise.

 

[sk!mom]

I actually agree with you, which was why I texted a link to the Knot rather than call. I didn’t even ask face to face the two nonresponders that I work with. I didn’t want them to say yes, because they were on the spot.
As it stands, we are under the minimum that we already paid the venue with the remainder going toward the bar bill. If we have some no shows that will just help keep the bar bill from going over since you can’t order drinks if you don’t show up.

 

[luvsJack]

We had the opposite problem at Dd’s wedding. We had people show up that neither Dd, sil, or we knew were even invited! They knew them but had not planned to invite them.

The venue held 300. And had tables and chairs for that many. We had 200 invitations printed and mailed out. Ended up with 300 people!
I just assumed the ones I didn’t know were friends of sil’s family or some of his family that traveled from his home state. Dd and Sil realized there were no empty chairs but weren’t really sure why. After they got back from the honeymoon, we were all sitting around talking about the wedding and they mentioned all the extra people. His mother finally admitted that she had made copies of one of the invitations and gave some out to people she knew!!!!!!

Luckily when setting up the reception SIL’s dad, who does big events like that, pitched in to help (they aren’t together) and they went ahead and set up all the tables and chairs. And my sister in law did the food and had made a lot of extra food.

I was just floored that she did that! Sil asked her did she realize the venue had a 300 limit. Her answer? “Oh well, they didn’t all come so it worked out”!!!!!

Keep in mind, she had a voice in who invitations were mailed to. We each made a list and counted them and ordered the invitations. We did it that way because there were so many family members to invite.

Weddings! Ugh.

 

[marthachick]

Did they have enough food? I've never been to a wedding that didn't have a big enough cake to serve at least twice the number of people that attended. The wedding cake, grooms cake &/or additional cupcakes are usually the thing that everyone goes big on.

There was barely enough food The cake was the smallest one I’ve ever seen without cupcakes or backup cake. I was very disappointed. I wondered how many who didn’t RSVP got cake. Lol

I'm sorry, but every wedding reception I have been to has a table set up with cards. Each card has a guests name and their table#. You find your card, then you find your table. If you did not RSVP, you would not have a card with a table #. You would not have anywhere to sit. Nobody has to stand at the door. The table assignment is at the door. Anyone who just walks into a reception without having a seat assignment, is a wedding crasher, IMO.

No assigned tables. Everyone just sat wherever they wanted.

 

[nkereina]

I went through this three years ago when I got married. I make sure to send back the reply card as quickly as possible so it boggles the mind what people do that don't send it back at all - just, why? I'd much rather have a no than no response at all.

In my case, I marked "no" for the people who live out of town that didn't respond, and then called/texted/emailed the ones who lived locally that I was genuinely unsure about. I did this just before I had to give the final count to the venue/caterers, which was about 2-3 weeks after the RSVP date as a I recall. I'm glad I waited until the last minute, because I did have a few late RSVP cards trickle in about 7-10 days after the RSVP date. Better late than never, I suppose.

What's worse are the people who RSVP yes who then no call no show. My aunt, uncle, and three cousins sent their "yes" response a week late, and then never showed, never called, never sent a card. Never even mentioned it to me still to this day. Our tables sat 6 people so I had an entirely empty table at the reception set aside for their family. So not only did we lose out on the cost of their plates, but also the centerpiece and linen rentals too. Its more principle than the actual cost to me, but its still very inconsiderate all around.

 

[mom2rtk]

We had the opposite problem at Dd’s wedding. We had people show up that neither Dd, sil, or we knew were even invited! They knew them but had not planned to invite them.

The venue held 300. And had tables and chairs for that many. We had 200 invitations printed and mailed out. Ended up with 300 people!
I just assumed the ones I didn’t know were friends of sil’s family or some of his family that traveled from his home state. Dd and Sil realized there were no empty chairs but weren’t really sure why. After they got back from the honeymoon, we were all sitting around talking about the wedding and they mentioned all the extra people. His mother finally admitted that she had made copies of one of the invitations and gave some out to people she knew!!!!!!

Luckily when setting up the reception SIL’s dad, who does big events like that, pitched in to help (they aren’t together) and they went ahead and set up all the tables and chairs. And my sister in law did the food and had made a lot of extra food.

I was just floored that she did that! Sil asked her did she realize the venue had a 300 limit. Her answer? “Oh well, they didn’t all come so it worked out”!!!!!

Keep in mind, she had a voice in who invitations were mailed to. We each made a list and counted them and ordered the invitations. We did it that way because there were so many family members to invite.

Weddings! Ugh.

No need to argue with the bride's family over the guest list! Just go behind their backs and copy the invitations to raise the number by 50%. YIKES! I hope your DIL keeps an eagle eye out for her new MIL. No telling what else she might try down the road.

In all my years reading DIS wedding threads, this might be the craziest story I have ever heard.

 

[YoYoAurora]

Wedding and event planner checking in. No, many people do not RSVP. They assume that you know how they would have responded, forgot to respond, or thought that no response meant they aren't coming. You have to contact them all. It's a pain. I know. I'm the one either making the calls myself or following up with the host to make sure they're made and get an updated guest count. Most venues or caterers need the guest count one to two weeks (sometimes more) ahead of time to make sure that their supply orders are submitted in time for delivery and preparation before the event.

Many people don't think about the cost of excess food/beverages/other items or headaches when you don't have enough food/beverages/other items, even though you planned for X number of people and Y showed up. We usually build in an extra 10% for non-RSVPers and last minute mind changers.

If more than 10% of people who didn't respond or who changed their minds and didn't let the host know show up, you probably won't have enough for everyone. That can include not only food and beverages, but ice, tables, chairs, glasses, plates, utensils, tablecloths, to name a few things that you might not think about. For a seated dinner, this might also mean you're short a server, which means people are waiting for their food longer than planned.

And if you change your mind (or something happens) and you just don't show up without letting the host know, the host is left with a lot of extra food and drinks on their hands, not to mention the $$$ they paid for the extra that needs to be donated or taken home by someone.

OP, your wedding planner is spot on! You got a good one. My best to the happy couple and their families. It's a very stressful time for all of you. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and pixie dust for a beautiful wedding!

 

[ronandannette]

Wedding and event planner checking in. No, many people do not RSVP. They assume that you know how they would have responded, forgot to respond, or thought that no response meant they aren't coming. You have to contact them all. It's a pain. I know. I'm the one either making the calls myself or following up with the host to make sure they're made and get an updated guest count. Most venues or caterers need the guest count one to two weeks (sometimes more) ahead of time to make sure that their supply orders are submitted in time for delivery and preparation before the event.

Many people don't think about the cost of excess food/beverages/other items or headaches when you don't have enough food/beverages/other items, even though you planned for X number of people and Y showed up. We usually build in an extra 10% for non-RSVPers and last minute mind changers.

If more than 10% of people who didn't respond or who changed their minds and didn't let the host know show up, you probably won't have enough for everyone. That can include not only food and beverages, but ice, tables, chairs, glasses, plates, utensils, tablecloths, to name a few things that you might not think about. For a seated dinner, this might also mean you're short a server, which means people are waiting for their food longer than planned.

And if you change your mind (or something happens) and you just don't show up without letting the host know, the host is left with a lot of extra food and drinks on their hands, not to mention the $$$ they paid for the extra that needs to be donated or taken home by someone.

OP, your wedding planner is spot on! You got a good one. My best to the happy couple and their families. It's a very stressful time for all of you. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and pixie dust for a beautiful wedding!

Wow - automatically paying for a 10% overage when what you could actually have is 10% fewer guests than expected seems excessive. Depending on the type of reception it could literally add thousands to the bill unnecessarily. Do your customers have the option of foregoing this and just taking their chances?

 

[luvsJack]

No need to argue with the bride's family over the guest list! Just go behind their backs and copy the invitations to raise the number by 50%. YIKES! I hope your DIL keeps an eagle eye out for her new MIL. No telling what else she might try down the road.

In all my years reading DIS wedding threads, this might be the craziest story I have ever heard.

Oh she does. And she has already put her in her place more than once. The woman is hard to deal with to put it mildly LOL.

I was so floored that she even thought about doing such a thing and thought it was ok. And yet, paid for nothing. (we didn't expect her to but still) Well, she made some tacos for the buffet because her son likes tacos. We bought the rest of the food and half the alcohol. His dad paid for security and the other half of the alcohol. Luckily we had enough people on our side that didn't drink any alcohol to make up for the extra drinkers. We really didn't know what had happened until she told us. I kept thinking "my goodness we must have a lot of +1's" But I knew we had counted all the plus ones in the original count. It was crazy. In the end, we were just glad everyone had a good time but it could have been a disaster.

Thank goodness we didn't have assigned seating. The weird thing was that SHE was the one that originally kept complaining that we did not!



My wonderful dil reminded me later that it really did turn out ok and we NEVER have to plan another event with that woman! LOL

 

[YoYoAurora]

Wow - automatically paying for a 10% overage when what you could actually have is 10% fewer guests than expected seems excessive. Depending on the type of reception it could literally add thousands to the bill unnecessarily. Do your customers have the option of foregoing this and just taking their chances?

To answer your question, yes, you can plan for fewer and hope for the best. Ask the venue what their overage % is and plan accordingly. If you're on a tight budget, and it's 10% at that venue, tell them you're having 45 guests if you believe that 50 will show up. That is an option.

This is why you need to RSVP. Most of the time, it all works out. But there are those few times (see some of the posts above), where it doesn't. You have too many or too few guests, based on the number for which you planned. This happens at professionally planned events, at the neighborhood kid's birthday party, and even at the ball park when they run out of hot dogs or made too many. You can estimate, but unless you limit attendance to only those who RSVP or buy tickets ahead of time (the ball park), it's an estimate.

My whole point was to get non-RSVP folks to RSVP and for those who RSVP to update the RSVP if plans change. If that happened, none of us would worry about having to pay extra $$$ for people who don't show up, RSVP or not. And some venues charge for those extra people who show up who weren't in your headcount, especially if you have to go and ask them for more chairs or plates.

It's all a game of estimations based on years of experience and data, and caterers and venues are very good at estimating.

If you're planning a party, say a cook out with sodas, burgers, and dogs, don't you plan for a little extra? I do. You add in an extra bottle of soda or an extra package of hot dogs, just in case. Or you prepare two extra hamburgers for the cook out. But you're basing your planning on your RSVP count.

Which brings me back to my plea for folks to please RSVP.

 

[Searc]

I'm sorry, but every wedding reception I have been to has a table set up with cards. Each card has a guests name and their table#. You find your card, then you find your table. If you did not RSVP, you would not have a card with a table #. You would not have anywhere to sit. Nobody has to stand at the door. The table assignment is at the door. Anyone who just walks into a reception without having a seat assignment, is a wedding crasher, IMO.

Conversely, I've never been to a wedding that had a seating chart. lol Everyone sits wherever they want, with the exception of the bridal table and families of the couple.

 

[Searc]

Oh she does. And she has already put her in her place more than once. The woman is hard to deal with to put it mildly LOL.

I was so floored that she even thought about doing such a thing and thought it was ok. And yet, paid for nothing. (we didn't expect her to but still) Well, she made some tacos for the buffet because her son likes tacos. We bought the rest of the food and half the alcohol. His dad paid for security and the other half of the alcohol. Luckily we had enough people on our side that didn't drink any alcohol to make up for the extra drinkers. We really didn't know what had happened until she told us. I kept thinking "my goodness we must have a lot of +1's" But I knew we had counted all the plus ones in the original count. It was crazy. In the end, we were just glad everyone had a good time but it could have been a disaster.

Thank goodness we didn't have assigned seating. The weird thing was that SHE was the one that originally kept complaining that we did not!



My wonderful dil reminded me later that it really did turn out ok and we NEVER have to plan another event with that woman! LOL

Security? Why would one need Security at a wedding?

 

[luvsJack]

Security? Why would one need Security at a wedding?

The venue required it. If the event serves alcohol they require security onsite.

All of the venues here require security and either its included in the cost of the venue or its something you have to get on your own.

 

[sk!mom]

Wedding and event planner checking in. No, many people do not RSVP. They assume that you know how they would have responded, forgot to respond, or thought that no response meant they aren't coming. You have to contact them all. It's a pain. I know. I'm the one either making the calls myself or following up with the host to make sure they're made and get an updated guest count. Most venues or caterers need the guest count one to two weeks (sometimes more) ahead of time to make sure that their supply orders are submitted in time for delivery and preparation before the event.

Many people don't think about the cost of excess food/beverages/other items or headaches when you don't have enough food/beverages/other items, even though you planned for X number of people and Y showed up. We usually build in an extra 10% for non-RSVPers and last minute mind changers.

If more than 10% of people who didn't respond or who changed their minds and didn't let the host know show up, you probably won't have enough for everyone. That can include not only food and beverages, but ice, tables, chairs, glasses, plates, utensils, tablecloths, to name a few things that you might not think about. For a seated dinner, this might also mean you're short a server, which means people are waiting for their food longer than planned.

And if you change your mind (or something happens) and you just don't show up without letting the host know, the host is left with a lot of extra food and drinks on their hands, not to mention the $$$ they paid for the extra that needs to be donated or taken home by someone.

OP, your wedding planner is spot on! You got a good one. My best to the happy couple and their families. It's a very stressful time for all of you. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and pixie dust for a beautiful wedding!

Thanks for your words of affirmation. Our wedding planner has been worth every penny we paid her. She has guided DD with monthly checkins since last December letting her know what to accomplish each month and given vendor recommendations for each decision. If the wedding was here (DD and groom’s home town) we wouldn’t need the recommendations but I would still want a planner as I didn’t want to stress or work on the day.

Wow - automatically paying for a 10% overage when what you could actually have is 10% fewer guests than expected seems excessive. Depending on the type of reception it could literally add thousands to the bill unnecessarily. Do your customers have the option of foregoing this and just taking their chances?

We are not padding our number. We contacted everyone so we consider 183 to be firm. I feel good doing this since I think the end result will be some no shows because only about 20-30 guests are local. Everyone else will be traveling. A couple of people are maybe an hour away and the other 150 of us are traveling 3 or more.

There will be a few extra seats since the only way DD could make her seating chart work and keep groups/ families together was to have some tables at 8 or 9 rather than the max of 10.

Our venue includes catering and charges a minimum. We’re under with the remaining going toward the bar bill. No shows will just make it more likely that the bar bill won’t go over the minimum that we’ve already paid.

 

[sk!mom]

Conversely, I've never been to a wedding that had a seating chart. lol Everyone sits wherever they want, with the exception of the bridal table and families of the couple.

Our wedding planner strongly suggested it as she said the majority of the complaints at a reception are due to people not being able to find seats with the people they came with. As it turned out thee venue DD went with required it for the same reason. “People get upset if they can’t find seats with friends.”

Security? Why would one need Security at a wedding?

Every venue we looked at required it if alcohol was being served. We also had to take out a day of event insurance policy.

 

[karmic]

Most wedding invitations that we receive ask for your meal choice on the response card. Not replying would mean you have not chosen what you want.
Also the majority of the weddings we have attended do have a seating assignment

 

[nkereina]

Most wedding invitations that we receive ask for your meal choice on the response card. Not replying would mean you have not chosen what you want.

There are also weddings where the food is served buffet style or where everyone is served the same thing, so this wouldn't apply in those cases. But it would be interesting to see if people are more inclined to respond if it requires a meal selection.