What do you consider infidelity?

[leebee]

Interesting conversation this weekend over a bottle of wine. In a marriage (or a committed relationship), what constitutes infidelity? There is the traditional, full-blown affair, with lying, sneaking, covering-up, and sex with someone other than a spouse. However, what about "friendships" that obviously cross a line (discussing personal details of the marriage, flirting, dating, etc.), are carried on without the spouse's knowledge, involve lying/sneaking/covering up, but do NOT include a sexual relationship. Do you consider this second situation to be infidelity, or just the full-on, sexually intimate relationship?

 

[Floridaman999]

I'd label the second situation as an emotional affair. I would feel the same about an emotional affair as I would a sexual affair. Both are terrible and both hurt in different ways.

 

[Hikergirl]

I consider the second scenario infidelity. If you are in a relationship with someone, even if it isn't sexual and you are hiding it from your spouse- you are a cheater IMO.

 

[ols386]

An emotional affair can be every bit as hurtful as a physical (sexual) affair.

Although I do believe it’s possible for a man and a woman to have strictly a friends relationship, and not have it go beyond that. Of course, there would also be situations where one or the other or both, might cross the line.

 

[22Tink]

I’d call the second scenario infidelity. I’d feel just as betrayed by an emotional affair as a physical affair.

 

[Shanti]

Interesting conversation this weekend over a bottle of wine. In a marriage (or a committed relationship), what constitutes infidelity? There is the traditional, full-blown affair, with lying, sneaking, covering-up, and sex with someone other than a spouse. However, what about "friendships" that obviously cross a line (discussing personal details of the marriage, flirting, dating, etc.), are carried on without the spouse's knowledge, involve lying/sneaking/covering up, but do NOT include a sexual relationship. Do you consider this second situation to be infidelity, or just the full-on, sexually intimate relationship?

Everything that you described is infidelity. Not just sex.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Seems like everyone here is in agreement.

I'll jump on too.

Both situations are infidelity. And both would fracture the relationship.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I actually think an emotional affair can be worse than a physical one. Both are bad and I wouldn't put up with either from my spouse but I think I would actually be hurt more by the idea of him "connecting" with another person than just having sex with them.

 

[ScottOKW2K]

I actually think an emotional affair can be worse than a physical one. Both are bad and I wouldn't put up with either from my spouse but I think I would actually be hurt more by the idea of him "connecting" with another person than just having sex with them.

+1

 

[mummabear]

I feel both are affairs and that the fall out/recovery is similar. Different but both important lines are crossed.

A friend and I were discussing another matter (frankly we were discussing u healthy eating) and she said that if you have lie, sneak or hide something then it’s not right.
I find this motto serves not just how one acts in a committed relationship but basically anything (gambling, eating, drugs, spending)

 

[knkmom]

I actually think an emotional affair can be worse than a physical one. Both are bad and I wouldn't put up with either from my spouse but I think I would actually be hurt more by the idea of him "connecting" with another person than just having sex with them.

Agree!!

 

[usnuzuloose]

If you even think about it you have done it.

 

[MillauFr]

If you even think about it you have done it.

By that definition, 99.99999% of men are unfaithful.

 

[cobright]

I'll add a layer of nuance. If I do something with someone that would hurt my wife if she found out, I'm being unfaithful. Within this definition is a lot of latitude for me because my wife and I favor each other with a great deal of trust and discretion. We often travel separately and when I'm somewhere alone, most nights, I will do my best to find a date for dinner. Not a trick, just dinner and maybe drinks. I like to eat at nice places and going solo feels weird. The first time I broached the subject with my wife I thought she would think me crazy or a cad but it was a natural solution.

We've met people who were appalled. People like Mike pence who won't even take lunch if other women are there unless his wife accompanies him. And that works for him. The line is not defined by what you do so much as by at what point are you violating your significant other's trust.

 

[powellrj]

This makes me think of the Jimmy Carter Playboy interview. It caused a big stir at the time when he admitted that he had "looked on a lot of women with lust" and had "committed adultery in my heart many times."

I think people have to decide what the line is they are willing to cross. I have been in work situations many times where I have had lunches and dinners with men who aren't my husband and it never crossed my mind that it was wrong because I always viewed it as work and it never went any place, where Mike Pence wouldn't do that. In the Jimmy Carter statement, I think you can look at the other sex and it not be adultery as long as you don't make it sexual. I know my daughter was upset once at school because she mentioned that she thought one of her teachers was hot. One of the girls really chewed her out and told her how disrespectful she was to him, and his wife by her comment. It really made her think about it and upset her because that wasn't her point at all.

 

[jevs]

All of it.

 

[scoutie]

If you even think about it you have done it.

Really? By that definition my husband should divorce me for having an affair with Josh Holloway, Norman Reedus, David Beckham and Adam Levine. And I'm pretty sure he has done it with Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie and probably various women he comes across in a month.

 

[piccolopat]

Anything that betrays the trust of a relationship is infidelity, IMHO.

 

[weeniecat2442]

Was just having a chat with my fiance this week regarding two of his friends, one married- and it being a VERY rocky marriage, both are in therapy and the other with a SO for about 2 years now.
These two friends are on Tinder and saw each others profile and were joking about it.
My opinion is this is cheating. If I saw my SO on a dating website, I would consider it cheating. These people say they are just seeing what else is out there.

 

[DopeyDame]

In your second scenario, I think it's not the acts of having a friend or even confiding in a friend that are the infidelity, but the lying and hiding it. If you're doing something that would hurt your spouse and cause them to not trust you, that's infidelity. Literally being unfaithful to the vows to care for and deserve the trust of your spouse.

What actual actions look like that create that infidelity will be different for each couple.