What do you consider infidelity?

[mombrontrent]

If you even think about it you have done it.

Now that is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on the Dis!

 

[Disneylover99]

By that definition, 99.99999% of men are unfaithful.

Women too.

 

[Iya]

If you even think about it you have done it.

 

[jdb in AZ]

My mom liked to tell my step dad, "I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home."

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I agree with what most others have said. My view is if you are doing something with someone else that you would not do in front of your partner, that’s a problem. The specifics of that can vary between couples, and obviously the other aspect of it presumes a base layer of trust from both parties. Some people are more worried about the outside perspective than I am, but I think that needs to be negotiated between the couple themselves.

 

[pigletto]

Agree..if you wouldn’t communicate or act the way you are in front of your spouse, you need to check your boundaries.
And as far as what is worse.. a physical or emotional affair? The one your dealing with.

 

[Tess]

Warning, long post and perhaps even TMI--but honestly, we haven't shared this with many folks other than family and it felt good to get it off my chest.

Having lived through this nightmare over the last four months (our daughter and soon to be ex-son-in-law), I can say the devastation from the emotional affair is just as painful as a sexual affair (although we suspect--as does a counselor--that it was both despite his denial of the latter). He has been our son, whom we have grown to love, and we (nor she) would have ever suspected him of this type of behavior. They were together (dating/engaged/living together) for seven + years and only married for 2.5. Both are educated, extremely intelligent, well off financially, great jobs, traveled, homeowners and seemingly "had it all". Everyone who knows them (and who have learned about the pending divorce) have been scratching their heads since this whole situation developed.

He carried on an emotional affair with a woman who was part of a couple that they spent a good deal of time together and entertaining in their home and whom my daughter considered a friend. Each of them were sharing their dissatisfaction with their respective spouses, her sexting him complete with nude/semi-nude photos and more behavior I can't describe on a family page. They rationalized their spousal betrayal because they were "helping each other through their problems" and hoping to salvage both their marriages.

Our daughter was completely blindsided by the discovery. Just after New Year's (when said couple among others were bringing in the new year with our daughter/soon to be ex-SIL (among others at their home), she and another friend in attendance felt something wasn't right with the relationship between soon to be ex-SIL and their "friend"--too cozy and separate from the group attending--sneaking off for private conversations, etc. The day after, our daughter began to investigate his email and cell phone (something she had never felt the need to do over the prior 7+ years) and discovered all of the "evidence". Intelligently, she saved it all and has it to this day. She confronted him and he admitted all but denied the "physical" aspect. They went to counseling (he went through 3 hours), but he was really not interested in repairing the damage which further devastated her. In fact, he promised her in counseling that he would cease contact with their friend. Sadly, she came home from church after their 3rd session, he was in the shower and his phone (a new one that she didn't even have the number for yet) was ringing and guess who was sexting him. He then told her he didn't want to give up his "friend" but wasn't sure he wanted to end the marriage.

She threw him out and told him not to return until he knew what he wanted. She continued counseling and through counseling is in a much better place--happy again and realizes that she had been living with an emotional abuser--denial of affection, attention, etc. but was unaware at the time how it had brought her down. She was basically living alone with him. They came to a mutual agreement to end the marriage despite her desire to repair it. It should be over soon and he has, for the most part, given her the lion's share of their joint possessions including the home which she did not want to leave and their dog (which he insisted they adopt). The other assets were divided equitably. Our woman scorned shared her information with the husband of the couple and he too was clueless that his wife was unhappy. She didn't initially provide it to him. She confronted the female partner in crime and told her that she and her husband needed to stay away from them while they worked on their marriage, up to her how she explained to her husband that the friendship was ending--a boundary the other woman did not respect and so she followed through with her promise to share her information with the husband.

He has offered no excuse--just that he felt he was being strangled by her, the responsibilities of marriage, home ownership, a dog, etc. He wanted to be free to do what he wanted, when he wanted and with whomever he wanted, stay out late and not worry about getting home to the dog, yadayadayada. . .not conducive to a marital relationship and quite immature. He was a good actor because for all the years he spent with our daughter--he only showed (to those of us on the outside) complete adoration for her. As the saying goes, no one knows what goes on inside a marriage and behind closed doors. They both seemed happy, but if all it took was a "shiny red toy" to get him to stray--best to find out now than after a family.

Our daughter is a strong, independent young woman and I have never in my life seen someone as broken as she was in those first few weeks and months. She was lost, felt alone and as if she had lost everything along with her sense of security, stability and saw no future without him. He was her husband and best friend AND he betrayed her beyond comprehension--so yes, an emotional affair (which is all he will admit to) is just as devastating as a physical affair.

Happily, with continued counseling and immense familial and friend support (including his friends) she has bounced back to her old self--even better! She is looking forward to the future and whatever it may hold. Clearly she is still a bit frightened but confident that she will rise to the occasion and make it on her own and excited at the accomplishment.

Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a once heartbroken Mom who is so proud of her child's strength, resilience, perseverance and determination!

 

[Minnesota!]

Anything that you cannot tell your spouse you did, constitutes cheating. That level is based more on your marriage, than any one "level" in particular.

 

[MrsDuck]

I'd label the second situation as an emotional affair. I would feel the same about an emotional affair as I would a sexual affair. Both are terrible and both hurt in different ways.

Agreed. Physical and emotional cheating are still infidelity and cause for alarm in my mind. Both would require counseling for me and hubby and a longggg talk about the future together (if it's even an option).

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Anything that you cannot tell your spouse you did, constitutes cheating. That level is based more on your marriage, than any one "level" in particular.

Good way to put it.

 

[ronandannette]

Now that is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on the Dis!

In isolation yes, it’s ridiculous. But the larger point about actions starting out as thoughts shouldn’t be so quickly dismissed. Nobody cheats by accident.

My mom liked to tell my step dad, "I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home."

So one spouse should treat the other like a convenient or socially acceptable “utility”?!? No thanks - this statement is vile.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Now that is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on the Dis!

Many people would see thinking about an affair as a form of coveting.

 

[mombrontrent]

Many people would see thinking about an affair as a form of coveting.

Sorry I don’t agree. Fantasizing, imagining things in your own mind is completely normal and acceptable behaviour as long as you don’t act on it. To think you can somehow control another persons thoughts and fantasies is ridiculous and just setting yourself up for heartache. I could care less what or who my husband thinks about, I truly do not care one bit. As long as it stays a fantasy or thought all is good in my world. I can think about whoever or whatever I want to, as long as I’m not acting out on my thoughts in my own head I’m not breaking any trust or marriage vows.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Sorry I don’t agree. Fantasizing, imagining things in your own mind is completely normal and acceptable behaviour as long as you don’t act on it. To think you can somehow control another persons thoughts and fantasies is ridiculous and just setting yourself up for heartache. I could care less what or who my husband thinks about, I truly do not care one bit. As long as it stays a fantasy or thought all is good in my world. I can think about whoever or whatever I want to, as long as I’m not acting out on my thoughts in my own head I’m not breaking and trust or marriage vows.

Just because you disagree doesn't mean it's ridiculous.

 

[mombrontrent]

Just because you disagree doesn't mean it's ridiculous.

It’s fooling yourself to think otherwise. I stand by that.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

It’s fooling yourself to think otherwise. I stand by that.

If all you have are insults, you really have nothing. Good day.

 

[hertamaniac]

Really? By that definition my husband should divorce me for having an affair with Josh Holloway, Norman Reedus, David Beckham and Adam Levine. And I'm pretty sure he has done it with Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie and probably various women he comes across in a month.

I think it was a blanket statement, not to be taken too literal. But, I admit (as a middle-aged single man) that I had momentary thoughts about things that were...."less than pure" in the context of marriage. Of course, I am now divorced so plug that into the equation.

I have read/heard that if you "lust after another heart", you are committing adultery.

 

[nkereina]

It’s fooling yourself to think otherwise. I stand by that.

Fair enough but bear in mind that's only your opinion. There are multiple ways to view and interpret whether or not thinking about cheating is actually cheating/coveting, etc. Lots of things come into play, including religious views. I personally don't have an opinion on the topic, but I can recognize that there are multiple thought processes on it, all of which are people's opinions and nothing more.

 

[sonnyjane]

If you even think about it you have done it.

Oh man. Sometimes I have dreams about it. I guess I’ll break the news to my husband about what my brain has been up to.

 

[low-key]

In order for infidelity to occur both party's must be nakie and alone