What do you consider infidelity?

[AnnaFloridaLover]

In order for infidelity to occur both party's must be nakie and alone

Do you mean naked and together? lol

 

[ronandannette]

I think it was a blanket statement, not to be taken too literal. But, I admit (as a middle-aged single man) that I had momentary thoughts about things that were...."less than pure" in the context of marriage. Of course, I am now divorced so plug that into the equation.

I have read/heard that if you "lust after another heart", you are committing adultery.

That is a bible reference obviously not all people hold to. But wisdom and common sense would argue that thinking about being romantic/sexual with random people does make it easier for discontent with your own marriage partner to foment.

 

[disneychrista]

Any relationship that you are keeping secret from your spouse or significant other is infidelity.

 

[Wendy31]

If you even think about it you have done it.

Now that is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on the Dis!

Both of these statements are good examples of hyperbole.

I've read far more ridiculous things on the DIS. However, for one's thoughts to constitute infidelity, in my opinion, those thoughts have to pass beyond a single, passing thought into a more lingering, recurring, substantial fixation.

Really? By that definition my husband should divorce me for having an affair with Josh Holloway, Norman Reedus, David Beckham and Adam Levine. And I'm pretty sure he has done it with Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie and probably various women he comes across in a month.

Of course, we all have our "Fantasy 5" list. And there will be people other than our significant others whom we'll find attractive which may lead to passing "Ooh, he's hot" or "she's got great legs" type thoughts. We go to the beach a lot. I don't expect my DH to not ever look at any other woman, just like he knows when the Matthew McConaughey surfer dude strolls by w/ his surf board, I'm going to take notice. But those kind of thoughts are just passing glancing thoughts that flutter out of your mind as quickly as they found their way in your mind.

I don't become fixated on another man in my thoughts, & I would be hurt if DH were fixated on another woman in his thoughts.

Sorry I don’t agree. Fantasizing, imagining things in your own mind is completely normal and acceptable behaviour as long as you don’t act on it. To think you can somehow control another persons thoughts and fantasies is ridiculous and just setting yourself up for heartache. I could care less what or who my husband thinks about, I truly do not care one bit. As long as it stays a fantasy or thought all is good in my world. I can think about whoever or whatever I want to, as long as I’m not acting out on my thoughts in my own head I’m not breaking any trust or marriage vows.

No, I can't control DH's thoughts, but neither can I control his actions. And, just I like I expect him not to physically cheat on me, I also expect that he won't cheat on me in his thoughts.

Again, celebrity crushes & some random gorgeous woman DH may encounter at the DMV is different from DH having thoughts about a female coworker or his friend's wife or any woman w/ whom he has regular contact. I think that kind of fixated, recurring thinking is on a different level & can lead down a dangerous path.

If DH is continually imagining getting w/ a coworker in the supply closet, we have a problem.

My mom liked to tell my step dad, "I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home."

Like another poster said, that's actually a pretty disrespectful way to behave in one's marriage. Yes, there may be other things that get either DH or I "turned on" or "in the mood," but I'm really not wanting DH to use me while he's thinking of another woman.

Agree..if you wouldn’t communicate or act the way you are in front of your spouse, you need to check your boundaries.
And as far as what is worse.. a physical or emotional affair? The one your dealing with.

Anything that you cannot tell your spouse you did, constitutes cheating. That level is based more on your marriage, than any one "level" in particular.

I would agree w/ both of these statements. And I would add that, if I can't tell DH what I'm thinking, then that's probably a problem as well.

 

[mombrontrent]

Both of these statements are good examples of hyperbole.

I've read far more ridiculous things on the DIS. However, for one's thoughts to constitute infidelity, in my opinion, those thoughts have to pass beyond a single, passing thought into a more lingering, recurring, substantial fixation.



Of course, we all have our "Fantasy 5" list. And there will be people other than our significant others whom we'll find attractive which may lead to passing "Ooh, he's hot" or "she's got great legs" type thoughts. We go to the beach a lot. I don't expect my DH to not ever look at any other woman, just like he knows when the Matthew McConaughey surfer dude strolls by w/ his surf board, I'm going to take notice. But those kind of thoughts are just passing glancing thoughts that flutter out of your mind as quickly as they found their way in your mind.

I don't become fixated on another man in my thoughts, & I would be hurt if DH were fixated on another woman in his thoughts.



No, I can't control DH's thoughts, but neither can I control his actions. And, just I like I expect him not to physically cheat on me, I also expect that he won't cheat on me in his thoughts.

Again, celebrity crushes & some random gorgeous woman DH may encounter at the DMV is different from DH having thoughts about a female coworker or his friend's wife or any woman w/ whom he has regular contact. I think that kind of fixated, recurring thinking is on a different level & can lead down a dangerous path.

If DH is continually imagining getting w/ a coworker in the supply closet, we have a problem.



Like another poster said, that's actually a pretty disrespectful way to behave in one's marriage. Yes, there may be other things that get either DH or I "turned on" or "in the mood," but I'm really not wanting DH to use me while he's thinking of another woman.





I would agree w/ both of these statements. And I would add that, if I can't tell DH what I'm thinking, then that's probably a problem as well.

I guess I just don’t care to know or ask my dh about these things. His private thoughts are his private thoughts, I trust him to be faithful to me.

The truth is I am an not a jealous person at all, I just never have been by nature so these things just don’t even enter my radar as something to be concerned about. Just as I do not care what my dh watches when I’m not around, I simply do not care. Nor have I ever bothered to look at his phone or computer ect. I just don’t care. I realize most other people do care a little more then I do but I don’t waste my energy on these things, by nature I’m a trusting person because it takes to much energy not to be.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I was cheated on by my spouse. It was both emotional and physical and I think for me at first the emotional part bothered me more than the physical. Cheating is cheating and I agree with a poster above - if you can't tell your spouse about it then your cheating and it applies to not just affairs but finances, etc. Your spouse is the one person you should be able to share everything with and if you can't...well then that's a problem.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

On the topic of thoughts one may have:

One night when my husband and I were at his dad's house we were playing a game. Well his dad's girlfriend (who is now fiancee) just randomly said "so we have a game we play every now and then, it's who would you sleep with if stuck in an elevator" it wasn't confined to celebrities either. Suffice to say it made both of us uncomfortable and we didn't answer. They find it funny to talk about while we do not. I don't care if my husband says "wow she's hot" when we're watching a movie nor does he care when I say "wow he's hot" when watching a movie, a passing glance I don't even know that either of us notice that when out and about. Playing fantasy games such that they play would go beyond what we consider nonchalant type talk and for us personally crosses a line.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

On the topic of cheating:

Emotional and physical cheating do happen.

My best friend was cheated on by her boyfriend now husband. While he was off at work on various job sites he connected with a woman via e-mail in another state. They had some very candid conversations of very sexual in nature. He swore up and down it was just talk. She found out from his e-mail which happened to be left open one night. She was crushed. But to this day she doesn't actually say he cheated on her. I would consider it cheating I guess she doesn't. To my knowledge he hasn't done anything since she found out about it.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

Anything that you cannot tell your spouse you did, constitutes cheating. That level is based more on your marriage, than any one "level" in particular.

Any relationship that you are keeping secret from your spouse or significant other is infidelity.

Obviously this is not the case if the couple has ground rules... a really common one is “I don’t want to know about it.” Others are the opposite...

 

[Mermaid02]

If there are issues in your relationship- you need to talk to your partner about it. Talking to someone of the sex you are attracted to, is asking for trouble.

When you can't wait to tell someone other than your wife/husband about your day, the minute you start sharing your hopes, dreams, good days, bad days with someone other than your spouse, you are cheating.