What do you say to a nosy family member?

[tkyes]

I'll try and make this short and easy to follow.

My parents are building a new house. They have put a lot of time and effort in to picking everything out and are so excited about it.

My mom's Aunt (Phyllis) and Uncle live in the area and have been driving by to check out the new house ever since they broke ground on it.

They also started driving by during the day and walking in to the house while the construction crew is there.

Phyllis has been making horrible comments about the house. She hasn't made them directly to my mom, but instead to another relative who feels the need to share them with my mother

She has made comments that she doesn't like the layout, the kitchen is too small, she doesn't like the color, the basement is too dark, etc.

My mother does not need to hear this, it upsets her and it's pointless. Obviously my mother likes the layout, the color, etc. or she wouldn't be building this house.

I am tempted to have a talk with Phyllis. I just can't stand seeing my mom upset over this. Or maybe I should have a talk with the relative who is passing the info on to my mom.

I don't know if you guys can give me any advice. I actually just feel much better after venting.

I guess this didn't turn out to be such a short story afterall Thanks for listening.


tamie

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

It stinks when someone rains on your parade. I think, though, that your talk should be with your mother. Why does it matter to her what Phyllis thinks? The fact that your mom and dad are building the house that they want is all that matters.

On second thought, I'd talk to the woman feeding your mom the information. Phyllis can express her opinion, but unless she tells your mom these things directly they should never get back to her.

 

[RitaZ.]

I would talk to the relative that is passing on the information. Just simply ask why he or she feels the need to pass on the negative comments to your mom. What is the reason or purpose behind this? It will hopefully put an end to it. Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My advice...STAY OUT OF IT!!!

 

[Wagamama]

my advice?
Hi Aunt P. How are you? I think i saw your car driving away yesterday when i was pulling up to talk to the foreman about the house (make something up). I was just wondering why you were there? Was something wrong? I thought maybe something had happened and they couldn't reach my parents or me so they called you. (do it in a way to show your concerned). So, I was wondering why you were there? The house looks great doens't it? My mom is so excited!! This is the house of her dreams!! (make her feel really guilty!!)
We have a relative that is exatly the same way and I've treated her this way and now shes moved on to another relative to be nosy.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd tell Aunt Phyllis that if she doesn't have anything good to say, she shouldn't say anything. I'd also tell the relative who's passing on the info to mind her own business too. Jealousy is such an ugly emotion!

 

[caitycaity]

i would also talk to the relative who is passing along the info. aunt phyllis should be able to kvetch to someone, but that someone shouldn't be passing it on to your mother.

 

[Pam]

I would tell the snitch that his/her comments are really nasty and are starting to grate on everyone's nerves. I would also remind the snitch to tell your Aunt that it's your parents house, money, and taste - and that I didn't give a rat's *** what everyone else thought!!
Pam

 

[crazyme5kids]

First off, she really should not be in the house without your parents. There are safety issues involved when construction is going on. Tell the contractors to keep all people out unless it is ok by your mom. That should get everyone off the hook.

 

[hercamore]

Yes, there are liability issues here.

No one should be in the house exccept the owners and builders.


Herc.

 

[Krisu]

People really shouldn't be there without the homeowner present. I agree stay out of it. It will do no good to confront this Aunt, she probably would deny it. Makes you wonder why that other person takes such delight in telling about the comments Anyway, who cares if she doesn't like it?

 

[Buckalew]

Personally, I think Disney doll hit the nail on the head.

Hasn't your Aunt ever seen the movie Bambi? Since when does she need to say/complain or whatever about something like someone else's house? I'd speak up. To both. Building is stressful and your mother doesn't need the added stress. I get tired of negative people making negative/rude comments & getting away with it. I'd call her on it.

Do what you want though.

 

[Lady M]

I agree with what many have said here. Personally, if this were my Aunt we're talking about, I'd have a talk directly with her and politely but firmly explain to her that this needs to stop. Your mother is being hurt by all of this and her feelings and sensitivity are more important than your Aunt's need to be nosey and critical. It sounds to me like your Aunt is jealous and is trying to ruin it for your mother.

Marie

 

[DocRafiki]

I am tempted to have a talk with Phyllis. I just can't stand seeing my mom upset over this. Or maybe I should have a talk with the relative who is passing the info on to my mom.

I agree with most... the person passing on the info. I really don't see any fault with Phyllis. I mean, maybe she's doing it to be nasty. But maybe she's just living vicariously and imagining what her dream house would be like and is telling the other person what she would do differently. Haven't you ever done that when looking through a book of house plans, or wedding dresses, or anything like that? It just doesn't need to get back to the person who made those choices.

 

[tkyes]

Thanks guys - I agree that Phyllis is completely entitled to her opinion. The relative passing on the info is the one that bothers me the most.

I know it isn't my place to say anything. If my mom is bothered enough by it she will say something. She plans on calling her Aunt and telling them that now since the house is almost complete she would appreciate them not dropping by because of the liability issues.

Both relatives (aunt and inlaw) are very negative people who look for the bad in things not the good. It's hard for me to comprehend how people live like that, they must be miserable.

It must be a jealousy thing, it's the only thing that makes sense. Phyllis' daughter just built a house and I'm sure she's comparing the two.

I know that my mom shouldn't care, it just hurts her feelings a bit.

Tamie

 

[fkj2]

I agree that jealousy plays a huge role here. I knew a lady who had been friends with my mom all of her life who allowed her sisters to ruin her happiness with a fella. She was Protestant and he Catholic at a time when the two religions didn't blend. Yes, I know, hard to believe now there was such a time.

Anyhow, she had a saying that, "Jeaslousy was nothing more than being selfish".

There is a control factor here also. It is logical that when something wonderful is happening in your life, you expect others, esp. family, to be happy for you and share in the excitement. When the opposite happens, I think it confuses the brain and the offended party triesn in the worst way to make the offender see it their way; they defend their dream. Your aunt knows exactly what she is doing. She's tainting your mom and dad's dream.

I vote talk to your mom and try to get her to look beyond the surface. There are other issues for both your aunt and "the talker." Both of them use the other to achieve their goal. Your aunt disparages the new house, without having to directly say it to your mom and "the talker" gets to assure herself that "I wasn't the one to say it."

 

[Pam]

I feel the "snitch" should be told that your Mom does not appreciate hearing the aunt's thoughts on her house. If you approach the aunt, she will get huffy and say that she, herself, did not tell your Mom anything.

Obviously the snitch is trying to stir up some trouble and needs to be called out on the floor for it, imo. Seems like there's a ton of jealous feelings running amuck on both your aunt and the snitch's behalf. How sad that they are such petty, little, mean-spirited people.....
Pam

 

[musicfan]

Why all the nasty words about Phyllis, but nothing nasty about the snitch? Phyllis may always see the cup as half empty, but the snitch is a vile little troublemaker.

 

[tkyes]

I have plenty of bad words for the Snitch She causes trouble like this all the time. The Snitch is also a half empty type person, I think her and Phyllis should be mother and daughter!

For some reason my mom is more upset at Phyllis than the Snitch, I am more upset with the Snitch. I would really like to be around when the Snitch relays some information to my mom so that I could nicely ask why she feels the need to pass along that useless information.

My mom did tell me she called Phyllis and her husband to tell them that the builder asked that it only be the homeowners in the house from now on since they are so close to closing date. Hopefully this ends the stopping by during the day situation.


I realize there are more important things in life than this. My mom is not losing any sleep over this. She is still thrilled for their house to be almost done and still very excited about it.


Tamie