What happens when a person dies

Of course you honor the person's wishes and you should find the comfort knowing you were doing what he/she wished. There should be no issue with what someone would consider "traditions" as this was the final wish of this person.

We all grieve differently. I'm one that doesn't feel at peace with seeing a deceased body laying there, I get no comfort whatsoever going to a wake or a funeral to be honest. And because of that, my wishes are cremation immediately, no viewing hours and spread my ashes which have been discussed in great length with my DD's.
 
And for me it was exactly the opposite experience. While my father's illness was brief (massive heart attack he survived for about a month,) I was at peace with his passing.

Seeing his cold, dead body was a horrifying experience and one that I wish I had never, ever experienced. I cannot get rid of that memory.
And I agree with you. The last memory of my grandfather was seeing him in his casket. I so wish that was not what I immediately think of. Thankfully open caskets are not the norm in my family.
 
It does seem like the norm of funeral culture is starting to shift away from wakes and calling hours a bit. The last funeral I attended took place only in the church, with the "calling hour" happening in the vestibule near the door people entered. The casket was closed and near the altar until it was time for the mass to begin, when it came back and processed in with the family.

I agree with those that say that seeing the dead body is not necessarily "good" closure. The way my grandfather was made up after his death stuck with my dad for a long time, because it did not look like his father. It did not bother him at all that my uncle had a closed casket, partially for this reason.

Anyway, everyone grieves differently and burying a loved one should respect their wishes. However, self care is also important in this time, and if the family can get through the loss by being together and remembering the deceased, they should do so, even if not in an "organized" way.
 
And I agree with you. The last memory of my grandfather was seeing him in his casket. I so wish that was not what I immediately think of. Thankfully open caskets are not the norm in my family.

I think its more about which last memory do you want or at least it was for me. Do I want my last memory of my Dad to be in that cold, bright hospital room not looking like him because he was pale and had a look of pain? Did I want my last memory of my brother to be the blood all over the side of his head? No, of course not. So seeing them at the funeral home made it a little easier. Just a tiny, tiny bit. But I could say good bye without getting hysterical.

If I had not seen my Dad in death at the hospital, maybe I would have felt differently. I did when it was my grandparents because I thought the whole open casket thing was awful. But I wasn't at the hospital when they died. I saw them last at a family function, enjoying their great-grands and all the family. So the choice was very different.
 


I’ve actually died. Like more than 4 minutes, dead. I have a very exacting will now. I want no service, but I’ve laid in money for my best friends and folks, and now husband and his kids, to fulfill my wishes. My wishes are for them to have an amazing trip, on my dime. After that, they can spend my money any way they like. I’ll be gone, but I would like some small remembrances. Maybe that’s too much to ask. I hope not.
 
UPDATE

The person has now died. It was very sudden in the end, he passed away at home, with his wife and younger son. His older son does not live nearby and didnt make it to the house before his father passed away.

The body was taken directly from the house to the crematorium by the undertaker. There was no official viewing but if family members wanted to view , they could call the undertaker and arrange a private viewing. I dont think any of the family did.

There was no service, no family gathering.
 


UPDATE

The person has now died. It was very sudden in the end, he passed away at home, with his wife and younger son. His older son does not live nearby and didnt make it to the house before his father passed away.

The body was taken directly from the house to the crematorium by the undertaker. There was no official viewing but if family members wanted to view , they could call the undertaker and arrange a private viewing. I dont think any of the family did.

There was no service, no family gathering.
If they wish to, I hope the family gets together in the future at some point.
 
I think somebody should be able to say what happens to them through the dying process and how their remains are to be dealt with.

After that, it's not their business how their family grieves. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
 
Hmmm....my FIl just passed away a couple of weeks ago. In all the arrangements, we tried to think of what he would like done. We would have been happy to do what he would like. But we would maybe have thought differently if he had bizzare requests. He just wanted a standard, basic funeral.

We were horrified at the costs though. Nearly $20k for a very simple service and burial with family handling most of the arrangements! (My DH conducted the service).

During all of the arrangements, I was able to make up my mind what I wanted personally and took the opportunity to tell my family. These are likely a teeny bit different from the normal customs.

I want a simple cardboard box and to be cremated privately (please don't spend $2k on a coffin that will be burnt). PLEASE no viewing of my body - that always creeps me out. Worse is when ppl take photos! My BIL takes a ton of photos of the body at every funeral and I am not a fan. He tried to take a pic of me with FIL amd I just politely (and smilingly) told him, "no thanks - I get creeped out". It also strikes me as slightly disrespectful although I know that is not how many ppl see it. Now I have a pile of photos on my laptop I need to sit down and delete.

Then a fairly traditional funeral service with plenty of photos at whatever church I am attending at the time (or wherever makes the most sense) followed by a meal (preferably in a favorite restaurant) for everyone attending. Maybe an additional day or two of visitation if they would like. Not too many flowers, please. Instead, I think it would be cool if ppl could "buy a ribbon" to display on a wall. That would be a nice, visible sign of the funds I could be raising for some good cause. It would be amazing if my passing could spark a lot of money being raised for something I care about. Right up my alley!

Then sprinkle my ashes in the woods or something and get a memorial park bench in a nice spot. Then most importantly, spend some precious time as an extended family together.

I think they should be able to get away with doing all this for under $5k, which would please me greatly. I have obviously thought about this too much lol.

I'd hope they do what I want. Although by that time I don't think I would care that much lol. If any family members need to alter things to help them grieve better, go for it (as long as NOBODY takes photos/videos of my body. Like I said, I hate that).
This was my dad. He despised the funeral industry so we respected his wishes & donated his body to science & did not spend a dime on funeral expenses. Although it was a non traditional request, it felt good to help him stay true to his beliefs as it would have been his money spent on the services. I can’t imagine not honoring someone’s wishes no matter how strange unless it was illegal or dangerous. To me, it’s the person’s last decision he/she gets to make for & it should be honored.
 
On a similar note to this thread, hubby and I have been watching this series on Australian Netflix (Not sure if you can get it in the USA) called the Casketeers - Its about Maori and Islander funerals and its super intriguing how they honour their loved ones and the traditions they have. What makes me feel uneasy is that they prepare the bodies and they have a lie in in the home where family and friends all come and sleep with the body. Its a beautifully made series with explanations of their traditions but with the humour that you obviously need to have to work in such a trying industry. The owners are a hilarious married couple.

https://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainme...asketeers-a-show-about-mori-funeral-directors
 
I have been the executor for both of my parents when they passed. I lost my mom first, but she had requested only a small gathering, non-church service, no pastor, etc. Some from the business she retired from where upset we didn't have a service, but I tried to let the know that was my Moms choice.

My father had, for years, sent us monthly "updates" of his plans and what to do upon his death or if he was incapacitated. I use that word as my Dad always said he did not want to live like a vegetable, and his wishes were completely clear. Sadly his worst nightmare came true when he had a stroke. We took care of him but I was bound by his wishes to not let him live like that. My aunt has never for given me, even after I let her read his will and his directive. I upset her further honoring my fathers wish with a 'West Coast Toast' as we placed his ashes in a niche as well as a bottle beer (don't worry they removed it later). His final "demand" was that no prayer be said, he was an ornery atheist. That also upset my aunt.

I share that because I believe that as long as somebody's wishes are reasonable and not illegal they should be followed or the person responsible to follow them should step aside before the person passes.
 
I say to my wife if anything happened to me, no funeral, cardboard box job (I wouldn't want money wasting) and hold a party in my local pub.
 

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