What happens when a person dies

[Hrhpd]

You honor their wishes. You can grieve in your own way, after the deceased's wishes are followed.

This.

It is pretty egocentric to ignore someone's wishes for something "you" (general you) need.

I do not want any kind of religious ceremony at all. Cremate me, dump my ashes, then go party and hoist a few in memory. I actually have it in my will that only x amount of funds can be used for the cremation. And it is all void if there is any kind of viewing or service.

 

[wenrob]

TBH I loathe traditional funeral services. I’ve noticed that the “younger” generations are starting to move away from that. My MIL was cremated and we had a memorial and fish fry later. My Dad’s was even less formal, no service at all. (and that still cost over two grand) I don’t know anyone in my immediate age group who would want a full on service. For me, it’s a relief so it’s hard for me to relate to being upset by the wishes described. I’d have a get together though because that’s just what families do.

I’ll go against the crowd here and say that since services/memorials/celebrations of life, whatever you want to call them are for the living then the living should have the final say in what happens. If you can follow wishes then do. But, if for whatever reason you can’t I think that’s okay too.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

My mom's funeral was traditional, and the best casket my dad could find. When he passed away he told me to keep it simple, so I did. I've told my kids that I don't want a memorial service, and want them to spread my ashes at my favorite place (nope, not a theme park. ). Then I'd like them to do something that celebrates our lives together - nice dinner, or an outing. I think that funeral arrangements are too expensive these days, and would rather my family spend the $ on other things.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Or would you honor their wishes and put your own mental health at risk due to not being able to process death as you always do?

Its one thing to prepare financially for death and funeral costs, but is it right to tell your family you dont want the funeral customs of your religion / culture / society?

not sure how this puts mental health at risk?

I honor the wishes of the deceased.

 

[MillauFr]

Whew, I was imagining something much more viscerally shocking than what you've described - like maybe being chopped up into little pieces and burned on an alter to Zeus or something.

Ditto. That request doesn't sound too out of the ordinary.

 

[tazdev3225]

We just had this conversation with my parents and they went over their will and wishes. My parents want to be cremated immediately, no viewing at all. Then they just want a service at church and that will be planned by them, hopefully. The only thing that they added is that whoever goes first is NOT to be buried until the other one dies. They want their ashes in one urn and to be buried together with the dog's ashes. I told my brothers they handle that part. We are also forbidden to take any ashes to wear in jewelry or anything like that which was fine with me.

I went to a funeral last week and you want weird? There is a man who attends my church sporadically, like once every 6 months or so. He is a photographer and did not know the deceased or her family. It was a 2 hour photo shoot for him and NO the family did not ask for this. The woman was only 46 years old and left an 8 year old daughter. The family was struggling to hold it together as it was. This man took a ton of pictures both during the service and graveside of the poor little girl sobbing on her father's shoulder. There were quite a few of us who wanted to take his camera and smash it.

 

[elaine amj]

I went to a funeral last week and you want weird? There is a man who attends my church sporadically, like once every 6 months or so. He is a photographer and did not know the deceased or her family. It was a 2 hour photo shoot for him and NO the family did not ask for this. The woman was only 46 years old and left an 8 year old daughter. The family was struggling to hold it together as it was. This man took a ton of pictures both during the service and graveside of the poor little girl sobbing on her father's shoulder. There were quite a few of us who wanted to take his camera and smash it.

Ugh. I would hate that.

My SIL insisted on videoing my stepfather's entire funeral, the viewing, the ashes into the sea....everything. Her reason was it was for all those overseas who could not be there in person.

I was thankful that she only sent it out to certain people via a private Google photos link.

I just don't personally care for that kind of thing to be public. I wonder why the family didn't ask someone to tell the guy to put the camera away.

 

[luvsJack]

My uncle died some 20 years ago. His instructions to his wife was that he did not want her to contact anyone, including his 4 kids until after everything was done. He donated his body to science. I haven’t a clue how that works, but it was wall said and done before she called a single person. His kids had a very hard time with it for years. They felt there was no closure for them. They all really struggled.

On the other hand, when planning 3 funerals in one year, my mil chose things that made it so much harder on her than it needed to be. The viewings were at the church, not the funeral home. After the viewings we had a really hard time getting her to leave to go home. She wanted to stay all night. Another thing was that normally the casket is open during the first part of the service. The family is given one last chance to view the body and then led out of the room and the casket closed. She insisted that it had to be opened at the gravesite. So then she had to watch them close it. Very hard thing to do.

So my personally preference is somewhere in the middle. Something but not too much. And honestly, I will leave it up to the kids.

 

[wenrob]

We just had this conversation with my parents and they went over their will and wishes. My parents want to be cremated immediately, no viewing at all. Then they just want a service at church and that will be planned by them, hopefully. The only thing that they added is that whoever goes first is NOT to be buried until the other one dies. They want their ashes in one urn and to be buried together with the dog's ashes. I told my brothers they handle that part. We are also forbidden to take any ashes to wear in jewelry or anything like that which was fine with me.

I went to a funeral last week and you want weird? There is a man who attends my church sporadically, like once every 6 months or so. He is a photographer and did not know the deceased or her family. It was a 2 hour photo shoot for him and NO the family did not ask for this. The woman was only 46 years old and left an 8 year old daughter. The family was struggling to hold it together as it was. This man took a ton of pictures both during the service and graveside of the poor little girl sobbing on her father's shoulder. There were quite a few of us who wanted to take his camera and smash it.

I wonder why someone didn’t ask him to leave?

On both sides of my family they insist on taking photos of the surviving siblings and then the children/grandchildren with the casket at the gravesite. I refuse to do it. I find it morbid and bizarre. On my mother’s side they take photos of the deceased in the open casket. I don’t get it.

 

[gwynne]

I wonder why someone didn’t ask him to leave?

On both sides of my family they insist on taking photos of the surviving siblings and then the children/grandchildren with the casket at the gravesite. I refuse to do it. I find it morbid and bizarre. On my mother’s side they take photos of the deceased in the open casket. I don’t get it.

I don't get it either.
If adults feel strongly about getting their photos with the dead, I guess ok, whatever floats their boat.
Why they would need to involve children or grandchildren in this kind of stuff is beyond me.

 

[HopperFan]

@elaine amj all that seems pretty normal and something I can see your family complying with.

What this person I am talking about has arranged, is that their body be taken by a funeral director at the appropriate time and taken direct to a burial plot and buried immediately without any viewing or church service. They have also specified no meal or family get together. Just for clarification, this person is not estranged from family and is very close to their children, grandchildren and extended family and regular funeral expenses are not an issue.

Now that you gave more information, and their requests are very normal (I had all kinds of visions in my head) then I would do exactly what they have requested regarding the timeline, the burial and the viewing or church service. That all actually appeals to me so maybe it's that .... but I do think those are very reasonable requests that should be honored. It isn't their job as the deceased to make the rest feel better.

NOW if the rest of them need some kind of closure then I suggest they plan a meal (if all local) or family get together even if at destination location for them to "celebrate family and the person". This could be shortly thereafter or planned in the coming months. The deceased simply can't demand the family not get together or have a meal together for eternity.

Not sure if the person involved is "terminal" but when DH grandmother was given months ... all family traveled to see her over a weekend (some like us stayed longer) and Grandma told us all to go out for a big dinner together and she paid the bill. It made her feel better to know everyone was together. And she didn't want everyone to travel back down for a funeral (we were days away), just wanted it simple.

 

[mjkacmom]

Hmmm....my FIl just passed away a couple of weeks ago. In all the arrangements, we tried to think of what he would like done. We would have been happy to do what he would like. But we would maybe have thought differently if he had bizzare requests. He just wanted a standard, basic funeral.

We were horrified at the costs though. Nearly $20k for a very simple service and burial with family handling most of the arrangements! (My DH conducted the service).

During all of the arrangements, I was able to make up my mind what I wanted personally and took the opportunity to tell my family. These are likely a teeny bit different from the normal customs.

I want a simple cardboard box and to be cremated privately (please don't spend $2k on a coffin that will be burnt). PLEASE no viewing of my body - that always creeps me out. Worse is when ppl take photos! My BIL takes a ton of photos of the body at every funeral and I am not a fan. He tried to take a pic of me with FIL amd I just politely (and smilingly) told him, "no thanks - I get creeped out". It also strikes me as slightly disrespectful although I know that is not how many ppl see it. Now I have a pile of photos on my laptop I need to sit down and delete.

Then a fairly traditional funeral service with plenty of photos at whatever church I am attending at the time (or wherever makes the most sense) followed by a meal (preferably in a favorite restaurant) for everyone attending. Maybe an additional day or two of visitation if they would like. Not too many flowers, please. Instead, I think it would be cool if ppl could "buy a ribbon" to display on a wall. That would be a nice, visible sign of the funds I could be raising for some good cause. It would be amazing if my passing could spark a lot of money being raised for something I care about. Right up my alley!

Then sprinkle my ashes in the woods or something and get a memorial park bench in a nice spot. Then most importantly, spend some precious time as an extended family together.

I think they should be able to get away with doing all this for under $5k, which would please me greatly. I have obviously thought about this too much lol.

I'd hope they do what I want. Although by that time I don't think I would care that much lol. If any family members need to alter things to help them grieve better, go for it (as long as NOBODY takes photos/videos of my body. Like I said, I hate that).

My mom was cremated 3 years before my dad was buried, hers was only about $1000 cheaper. We rented a casket for her wake, got one of the most least expensive ones for my dad (didn’t have time to order from Costco). You have to pay for a specific vessel to cremate them in, and then to put the ashes in.

 

[HopperFan]

My mom's funeral was traditional, and the best casket my dad could find. When he passed away he told me to keep it simple, so I did. I've told my kids that I don't want a memorial service, and want them to spread my ashes at my favorite place (nope, not a theme park. ). Then I'd like them to do something that celebrates our lives together - nice dinner, or an outing. I think that funeral arrangements are too expensive these days, and would rather my family spend the $ on other things.

THIS THIS THIS

Funerals are like weddings, the industry and society has created this expectation of what should be done and spent ... when it's completely unnecessary.

The more you spend doesn't make the hurt any less, just like it won't make a marriage last longer.

 

[ronandannette]

Photography at a funeral is honestly something I've only ever heard of here on the DIS, and that includes having worked in funeral service for a year, where I never once saw it happen. It's just not done here and maybe that's a regional thing?

Nowadays many funeral homes and churches have the technology to video or simulcast a service on-line but that's a relatively new practice. In fairness, I will also add that we attended a service for a very young man last week and quite a few of the young-adult mourners took selfies with the memorial table and each other. (The deceased was not present to be photographed).

I would talk to them now about their wishes and try to understand why they are requesting this.

It could be that they don't want ppl making a big fuss and disrupting everyone's lives. Perhaps ask if they would be comfortable with the extended family gathering together to comfort each other? And then maybe hosting a large family reunion in their memory at some suitable point?

What a ridiculous line of thinking. Like losing a loved one isn't all that and more already? Would the person really believe asking the nearest and dearest to just grit their teeth and go on like nothing happened would be a benefit to them?!?

...I’ll go against the crowd here and say that since services/memorials/celebrations of life, whatever you want to call them are for the living then the living should have the final say in what happens. If you can follow wishes then do. But, if for whatever reason you can’t I think that’s okay too.

I very much agree! Even though I imagine myself being sent off in a very specific way, whether or not that happens will be 100% the decision of my survivors and I'm at peace with it. Lots of people know my general preferences but I wouldn't dream of constraining whoever is left with a list of "you must-or-must-not".

 

[elaine amj]

Photography at a funeral is honestly something I've only ever heard of here on the DIS, and that includes having worked in funeral service for a year, where I never once saw it happen. It's just not done here and maybe that's a regional thing?

You know, I appreciated photos of various groupings of attendees and use them to send them various messages to thank each person for coming.

We also videotaped the funeral service. I just get creeped out by photos/videos of the deceased and always have.

 

[fhtpdw20]

When DH passed, he was cremated. I got a double urn so I have my spot. Instead of taking his ashes and having a keepsake made, I took off my wedding band and created a family heirloom pendant. I designed open filigree-like angel wings in the shape of a heart (my heart, his wings and the holes he left in our lives). The wings are on each side of a Claddaugh (our marriage of 28 years could be summed up by love, loyalty and friendship the Claddaugh represents). My wedding band fits inside of his. The hands of the Claddaugh hold his ring and the middle of my ring has the heart which holds our son's birthstone. DS and I got a pick a pearl from Epcot on our first trip after his passing. Finally, DDIL is also represented as her name means pearl. This is the only jewelry I wear now.

 

[elaine amj]

When DH passed, he was cremated. I got a double urn so I have my spot. Instead of taking his ashes and having a keepsake made, I took off my wedding band and created a family heirloom pendant. I designed open filigree-like angel wings in the shape of a heart (my heart, his wings and the holes he left in our lives). The wings are on each side of a Claddaugh (our marriage of 28 years could be summed up by love, loyalty and friendship the Claddaugh represents). My wedding band fits inside of his. The hands of the Claddaugh hold his ring and the middle of my ring has the heart which holds our son's birthstone. DS and I got a pick a pearl from Epcot on our first trip after his passing. Finally, DDIL is also represented as her name means pearl. This is the only jewelry I wear now.

What a beautiful piece. Love all the meaning in it.

 

[scrhsa]

It would depend on what that person wanted instead. If it went against my core faith/made me uncomfortable, I would have someone else plan it and do it. I couldn't go against my own religion. If I was the only one who could do it, I would try to find a happy medium.

I find this funny because just earlier today my sister and I were talking about my Mom. My Mom and I had been talking about one of her friends funerals and I jokingly told her she needed to get what she wants written down so my sister and I will know what to do. So she goes and starts the conversation with my sister. First she wants a Catholic funeral. She isn't Catholic and none of her friends are either( just my sister and I). Sis talks her out of that then proceeds into discuss having a memorial service there where she is in NC and then another one here in Texas. My Mom doesn't belong to any church and doesn't know any pasters/preachers so my sister started laughing and telling her we would just have an open mike roast. My Mom LOVED the idea! She then got kind of peeved because she wouldn't be around to enjoy it!!! Sis and I were laughing so hard thinking about what all we would say. My Mom is famous for her vernacular and one liners etc. I told my sis that we should have her "funeral" on her 80th b-day so she could be present for the roast I am totally serious about my Mom loving every minute of it too! We are weird that way. We had a funeral director come into the room we were in planning my Dad's funeral wondering what was going on we were laughing so hard. She just smiled and said we don't here that much around here!

 

[scrhsa]

We prize family time. And my DH was so, so, so happy when his siblings all gathered together after his father passed. We used FIL's money to spend 3 days going out together every day. It meant so much to DH!

My sister and I have said that we would like to take a trip to Disney with what we get from Mom. Or really, just to celebrate her. We would like to be able to get all us girls(me, my sister, here two girls and my three girls--and probably the great-grandkids) and have a great ole time
When my Dad passed it really was a great gathering and celebration of a great man! Family means everything!!

 

[ronandannette]

You know, I appreciated photos of various groupings of attendees and use them to send them various messages to thank each person for coming.

We also videotaped the funeral service. I just get creeped out by photos/videos of the deceased and always have.

I presume you mean like on FB or some other sort of social media? I'm still super-old school and just send written thank-you cards.