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CeruleanMoon

Mouseketeer
Joined
May 3, 2017
I think I'm coming to the conclusion that people are simply not interested in making friends anymore. Perhaps everyone has all the friends they want by this age in life and so they stop bothering. I don't know. This past week it's been really getting me down. :worried:

For example, there are 13 kids that get on the bus at my son's stop every morning. Almost all those kids have parents that wait with them and have been for years. One of the parents sits on the curb with headphones on, buried in her phone and ignoring everyone else (going on two years now.) Another would never acknowledge me when I tried to say hello. Occasionally some of the kids will try to play with my son in the big open courtyard where we wait, but their parents yell at them to "Come here!", "stop running!" or "put down that stick!" Most of them never even get a chance to speak to my son, let alone play.

(I do have one "mom" neighbor who talks to me and has been friendly, but her son rides a different bus.)

Every year I give a birthday party for my son. Even when the kids were small and the parents used to stay at the party, I never got to talk very much with them beyond an initial hello. The parties were just too busy and everybody seemed occupied. Once though I had an especially odd party where the parents of 13 kids all sat in a corner while I puttered around taking pics, serving food, directing kids and cleaning up while they WATCHED me. They barely even spoke to each other! It was awkward to say the least. :oops:

(I did have a few parties where the parents chatted more, thank goodness! But then I usually don't see them again for another year.)

My husband and I try to set up play dates on occasion. They always go well and the kids have a great time. But the other parents have never reciprocated. Sometimes my son goes outside and looks for other kids to play with, but even though our neighborhood is filled with school age kids, we almost never see them outside. I've tried contacting some parents (different ones than the bus stop parents!) to see if their child can come out and play, and while sometimes this works, these families often so busy, with such complicated schedules, that we have trouble finding any compatible times.

My son has taken regular karate lessons for 3 years. Most of the time, the parents just read their phones or bring work to do with them. I guess I'm guilty of this too, since many times I just read my kindle. Now that the kids are getting older, more and more parents just drop them off and don't even come inside at all.

When my son first started school, I joined the PTA. At the first event I helped out at, I was assigned a job by myself physically distant from all the other volunteers. Every now and then someone would come by and say, "great job!" but I ended up working by myself the whole night.

I tried to join a mom's group when my son was a toddler, but I had a hard time finding other moms to talk to. We went to a "trunk or treat" party the group put on, and we decorated our car really nicely, had music going and candy, just like everyone else, but not a single parent spoke us when their kids came by to our car. After a few events with similar outcomes, I quit the group.

Part of this is probably my fault. I have social anxiety and it's very difficult for me to strike up conversations with strangers. But I can't help but feel like people just aren't interested. I don't know if it's because people are too busy (karate parents, neighborhood parents), too afraid (bus stop parents who won't even let their kids play while waiting) or if everyone is just on social media now instead (on their phones.) I just don't know. :confused3

As you can see, I have been seeing stuff like this for years. How are people supposed to make friends? I've been unsuccessful at it. Is anyone else experiencing this?
 
it seems to me you are looking for friends in the wrong places. You need to connect with people who share your interests and views, people you have something in common with. It seems to me that all the situations you have described, the only common link with these adults is that your child is doing something with their child.

Look at your own interests and hobbies. Maybe you like to read, there may be a book club at your local library. Maybe you like to go to the gym, how about striking up a conversation with someone there.

I dont have kids so I dont know much about the politics of the parents at kids activities. It seems to me that in all the situations you have described, the parents are there for their kids and not to socialise with the other parents.

I remember back to my childhood. I did dance class, but my mom was not a typical dance mom. My parents did not have anything in common with the other dance parents, and at competitions while we hung out we our dance class mates, my mom would just sit at the side and watch. This was in the days before mobile phones
 
No, but I’m very social and talk to people all of the time. DH and I are going out tonight with ds20’s childhood friends’ parents, have a party tomorrow at dd15’s bff’s parents house (friends since kindergarten). Most of our friend groups are people we’ve met through our kids over the years, and a lot of the kids aren’t even in the same friend groups anymore. As a SAHM go 5 (the youngest are 15), i was always taking them to classes, the park, setting up playgroups - for me, so I had adults to talk to.

I have several group texts that make happy, since I’m no longer at the school daily. My kids played a lot of sports, so talking to other parents at games was easy, still is. How old is your son? I remember when my oldest started kindergarten, she already had preschool friends, but she and her BFF ( I was close with her mom) fell into a friend group, and my friend and I weren’t befriended by their moms. Later we realized that their daughters were their youngest, and therefore were t looking for new friends.

I did have kids over to play a lot, but it was usually reciprocal. Does your son have any interest in team sports?
 
it seems to me you are looking for friends in the wrong places. You need to connect with people who share your interests and views, people you have something in common with. It seems to me that all the situations you have described, the only common link with these adults is that your child is doing something with their child.

Look at your own interests and hobbies. Maybe you like to read, there may be a book club at your local library. Maybe you like to go to the gym, how about striking up a conversation with someone there.

I dont have kids so I dont know much about the politics of the parents at kids activities. It seems to me that in all the situations you have described, the parents are there for their kids and not to socialise with the other parents.

I remember back to my childhood. I did dance class, but my mom was not a typical dance mom. My parents did not have anything in common with the other dance parents, and at competitions while we hung out we our dance class mates, my mom would just sit at the side and watch. This was in the days before mobile phones

I think this is great advice, especially because adults at these events will probably also be looking for new friends. I agree it can be a little hard to make friends as you get older but I think a lot of that is because we become self conscious. If you watch kids on a playground one runs up to another and says Hi I’m Bob want to race me on the slide, and boom they’re fast friends. You kind of have to do that as an adult too. Try to push past your social anxiety (I’m an introvert so I know easier said) and just strike up a conversation. Have a few conversation starters in your back pocket. “Is anyone here volunteering for the school Halloween party?” “Can anyone recommend a good book for 7 year olds?” “Your daughter looks like she really knows how to kick, has she been doing karate for long?”

Once you have a good conversation with someone, bite the bullet and say hey want to grab coffee this afternoon/ want to take the kids for ice cream after class? Sure they might say no, but no one is going to think you’re weird. There’s a really good chance other people are looking for friends too.

Your birthday party and PTA examples might just have to do with your expectations though. When my kids where at the age where you stayed for parties I thought my job was to stay out of the way and make sure my kid didn’t act crazy, but if you had say “hey would someone mind helping me set up the game/cut cake/whatever” I’d have jumped right in. Same with PTA I view that as time to get a task done and not socialize so I wouldn’t be unfriendly but might appear that way. If you had stopped me and asked which kids were mine and how we were liking first grade I would have talked your ear off but wouldn’t have thought to ask.
 


Our 4 kids have been involved in a lot of activities over the years. I never expected to make friends with the parents.

Yes, there are parents I preferred to sit by at the events and we would make small talk during the activities and look for each other at the next game. But I never expected to find lasting friendships there.

My life is busy; their lives are busy.

I am close to my sister, brothers and their wives.

And am deeply involved at church and can have a lot of conversations with many people there.

And right now, that's plenty of social interactions for me.

I think your expectations of making friends through your child are not working and I'd try finding a hobby for yourself (take a cooking, dance, sewing,painting class,etc.) or volunteer or find a community activity to meet friends.
 
I think your expectations of making friends through your child are not working

exactly this. You are expecting to form close friendships with people JUST because their son and your son get the same bus every day. That to me makes no sense. I would only expect to say hi, isnt it cold today, or look the bus is 5 minutes late, I wonder was there traffic over at XYZ street. I certainly would not expect to be BFFs , to go for coffee once the bus arrives and the kids head off, or to be part of their lives in any way. You meet at a bus stop cos the kids get the same bus, end of.
 
When we moved to our current area six years ago, I vowed to be better at putting myself out there, even though it isn't necessarily in my nature as an adult. (I was suzy high school, always going and doing things, but when i had my kids things changed)

I ended up being a cub scout leader, and while I was friendly with the parents while at cub events, I didn't hang out with anyone outside of that group. Now I'm heavily involved in PTO (was elementary PTA president, now PTO president at middle school, and district PTO board president). I spend A LOT of time being outgoing and friendly to people, and I genuinely try to make an effort to help everyone feel included and part of the group. It can be exhausting, being "on" all the time. So sometimes, when I'm outside of that, the thought of talking to someone is overwhelming, and I just want to sit and be alone and decompress for a minute.

That being said, if I was in a situation like you describe with parents all around and not talking to each other, like at the party in particular, I'd be trying to fill that silence and talk to people! I'd have for sure been helping you and not sitting in a corner! But at karate or something, I'd probably be another one just hanging back and watching my kids.

I have so much social interaction through school events, that when I get home, I just want to be home. I don't have any interest in going out and doing things with people other than my family. I have very few close friends, and the ones I would want to spend time with all live far away. Not that I don't genuinely like the people here, and not that I'd say no if someone asked me to lunch or a movie, but I'm not likely to be the one who initiates that. Not because I don't like them, or wouldn't want to, I just like having some time to myself, too.

It could be that you just haven't found your group yet, and it might be a good idea to find someone outside of the "kid" group, that's more interested in something YOU like to do, vs. just being in the same place because your kids are. I'm getting to that point. I know that I'm not going to keep up my PTO duties past next year - I'm tired! So while I'll enjoy my free time, I'm going to need to find another volunteer opportunity or find another outlet. Being a grown up is hard!! Not a lot is mentioned about adult socializing, and once your kids start growing up, it suddenly occurs to some of us that we got so caught up in kid stuff that we've forgotten how to be an individual person...and maybe we've even become set in our ways.

Offering you some hugs, and hoping you find some people you click with :grouphug:
 


I think I'm coming to the conclusion that people are simply not interested in making friends anymore. Perhaps everyone has all the friends they want by this age in life and so they stop bothering. I don't know. This past week it's been really getting me down. :worried:

For example, there are 13 kids that get on the bus at my son's stop every morning. Almost all those kids have parents that wait with them and have been for years. One of the parents sits on the curb with headphones on, buried in her phone and ignoring everyone else (going on two years now.) Another would never acknowledge me when I tried to say hello. Occasionally some of the kids will try to play with my son in the big open courtyard where we wait, but their parents yell at them to "Come here!", "stop running!" or "put down that stick!" Most of them never even get a chance to speak to my son, let alone play.

(I do have one "mom" neighbor who talks to me and has been friendly, but her son rides a different bus.)

Every year I give a birthday party for my son. Even when the kids were small and the parents used to stay at the party, I never got to talk very much with them beyond an initial hello. The parties were just too busy and everybody seemed occupied. Once though I had an especially odd party where the parents of 13 kids all sat in a corner while I puttered around taking pics, serving food, directing kids and cleaning up while they WATCHED me. They barely even spoke to each other! It was awkward to say the least. :oops:

(I did have a few parties where the parents chatted more, thank goodness! But then I usually don't see them again for another year.)

My husband and I try to set up play dates on occasion. They always go well and the kids have a great time. But the other parents have never reciprocated. Sometimes my son goes outside and looks for other kids to play with, but even though our neighborhood is filled with school age kids, we almost never see them outside. I've tried contacting some parents (different ones than the bus stop parents!) to see if their child can come out and play, and while sometimes this works, these families often so busy, with such complicated schedules, that we have trouble finding any compatible times.

My son has taken regular karate lessons for 3 years. Most of the time, the parents just read their phones or bring work to do with them. I guess I'm guilty of this too, since many times I just read my kindle. Now that the kids are getting older, more and more parents just drop them off and don't even come inside at all.

When my son first started school, I joined the PTA. At the first event I helped out at, I was assigned a job by myself physically distant from all the other volunteers. Every now and then someone would come by and say, "great job!" but I ended up working by myself the whole night.

I tried to join a mom's group when my son was a toddler, but I had a hard time finding other moms to talk to. We went to a "trunk or treat" party the group put on, and we decorated our car really nicely, had music going and candy, just like everyone else, but not a single parent spoke us when their kids came by to our car. After a few events with similar outcomes, I quit the group.

Part of this is probably my fault. I have social anxiety and it's very difficult for me to strike up conversations with strangers. But I can't help but feel like people just aren't interested. I don't know if it's because people are too busy (karate parents, neighborhood parents), too afraid (bus stop parents who won't even let their kids play while waiting) or if everyone is just on social media now instead (on their phones.) I just don't know. :confused3

As you can see, I have been seeing stuff like this for years. How are people supposed to make friends? I've been unsuccessful at it. Is anyone else experiencing this?


The Rule.
 
I have had issues making friends where I live too We moved here 6 years ago. We homeschool, so that doesn't help. I recently joined the Kiwanis to get out of the house more. I have people I am friendly with, but no one I would really call a friend.
 
I think I'm coming to the conclusion that people are simply not interested in making friends anymore. Perhaps everyone has all the friends they want by this age in life and so they stop bothering. I don't know. This past week it's been really getting me down. :worried:

For example, there are 13 kids that get on the bus at my son's stop every morning. Almost all those kids have parents that wait with them and have been for years. One of the parents sits on the curb with headphones on, buried in her phone and ignoring everyone else (going on two years now.) Another would never acknowledge me when I tried to say hello. Occasionally some of the kids will try to play with my son in the big open courtyard where we wait, but their parents yell at them to "Come here!", "stop running!" or "put down that stick!" Most of them never even get a chance to speak to my son, let alone play.

(I do have one "mom" neighbor who talks to me and has been friendly, but her son rides a different bus.)

Every year I give a birthday party for my son. Even when the kids were small and the parents used to stay at the party, I never got to talk very much with them beyond an initial hello. The parties were just too busy and everybody seemed occupied. Once though I had an especially odd party where the parents of 13 kids all sat in a corner while I puttered around taking pics, serving food, directing kids and cleaning up while they WATCHED me. They barely even spoke to each other! It was awkward to say the least. :oops:

(I did have a few parties where the parents chatted more, thank goodness! But then I usually don't see them again for another year.)

My husband and I try to set up play dates on occasion. They always go well and the kids have a great time. But the other parents have never reciprocated. Sometimes my son goes outside and looks for other kids to play with, but even though our neighborhood is filled with school age kids, we almost never see them outside. I've tried contacting some parents (different ones than the bus stop parents!) to see if their child can come out and play, and while sometimes this works, these families often so busy, with such complicated schedules, that we have trouble finding any compatible times.

My son has taken regular karate lessons for 3 years. Most of the time, the parents just read their phones or bring work to do with them. I guess I'm guilty of this too, since many times I just read my kindle. Now that the kids are getting older, more and more parents just drop them off and don't even come inside at all.

When my son first started school, I joined the PTA. At the first event I helped out at, I was assigned a job by myself physically distant from all the other volunteers. Every now and then someone would come by and say, "great job!" but I ended up working by myself the whole night.

I tried to join a mom's group when my son was a toddler, but I had a hard time finding other moms to talk to. We went to a "trunk or treat" party the group put on, and we decorated our car really nicely, had music going and candy, just like everyone else, but not a single parent spoke us when their kids came by to our car. After a few events with similar outcomes, I quit the group.

Part of this is probably my fault. I have social anxiety and it's very difficult for me to strike up conversations with strangers. But I can't help but feel like people just aren't interested. I don't know if it's because people are too busy (karate parents, neighborhood parents), too afraid (bus stop parents who won't even let their kids play while waiting) or if everyone is just on social media now instead (on their phones.) I just don't know. :confused3

As you can see, I have been seeing stuff like this for years. How are people supposed to make friends? I've been unsuccessful at it. Is anyone else experiencing this?
I agree that it can be hard to make true friends once you're out of school. I think once people have settled into family life & a career, friends become less of a focus, so it's harder to make friends as fewer people your age are really open to making new friends.

I'm a working mom & am exhausted all the time from the combined demands that my job, son and partner put on me on a regular basis. I have little interest in making friends, even though making some deep friends would undoubtedly enrich my life. This is partly due to my fatigue, but I also feel some fatalism as I rarely meet people anymore who share my outlook or interests. Since from experience I don't expect to really click with most people I meet, I no longer try. And when in the past I was more open-minded and opened up to people at church or work, trying to make friends, I later saw those "friendships" disappear after one of us changed jobs or churches.

So I've pretty much given up on socializing at this point in my life, and just focus on my family.
 
I'm a SAHM in a gated community and I pretty much hide from people! When we first moved here, people seized on me to send their kids here or watch their pets often, so now I am the mom who hides from interaction. I'm an introvert and find people knocking and coming over to be draining, I don't want to watch anyone's kids or pets anymore. My home is my respite. My kids are in a sport and I am friendly, cordial but prefer to go for a run or a long walk than sitting listening to someone tell me their life story or (usually) their problems. There are a few parents I enjoy talking to but it's usually brief. I suggest, as others, that you find your own interests and pursue them rather than trying to make friends. Let it happen naturally!
 
I have this problem, too. The conclusion I've come to is that I need to branch out and participate in at least one activity that *I* enjoy just for myself...join some sort of group, club, a book club or whatever and get involved in it. So that's what I'm doing and it's working out ok so far.
 
Just find something you have in common amd let it flow naturally. "I notice you're wearing Gators sweatshirt. Are you from Florida? ...." People love talking about themselves so just give them the opportunity. At some point in the conversation (or after several conversations), you'll find the perfect opportunity for "Hey would you like to have coffee/breakfast/carpool to the school function?" The worst they can say is "no" and then you just switch topics.
 
I like the majority (not all) of my friends to be online

Yesterday I trimmed our neighbor’s shrubs because they haven’t since they moved in last year. I think they assumed they were on our property instead of theirs, but they aren’t. They were getting unruly and instead of actually talking to them and explaining the situation, I chose to just do extra yardwork lol. I socialize with only a select few people in real life!
 
Yesterday I trimmed our neighbor’s shrubs because they haven’t since they moved in last year. I think they assumed they were on our property instead of theirs, but they aren’t. They were getting unruly and instead of actually talking to them and explaining the situation, I chose to just do extra yardwork lol. I socialize with only a select few people in real life!

I have 4-5 real close friends. everyone else I am friendly with but not to talkative
 
To be honest I’ve never been one to make friends with the parents of my kids friends. Part of it is we’ve always typically been in different stages of life (I had older DD at 28 and the younger two at 37) and part of it is, to be blunt, I’m just not interested. It’s nothing personal, most of them have been lovely people but all we really have in common are kids the same age. I don’t reciprocate “play dates” because the other parent will want to hang out and I just don’t. I do chat and make small talk and when my kids are invited over I send snacks/treats for all but I just don’t have it in me to be part of a mom group. I don’t know why, it’s just the way I am.
 
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Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. I'm still thinking through some of the stuff in this thread.

I would like to make "mom" friends because that is the one area of my life that I miss not having a friend in the most. Sometimes you go through a rough period with your kid at school or at home and I have no one to talk to about it, no one to compare notes with. There's stuff over the years that I could have used support with, but instead I have had to face it alone.

My hobbies tend to be solitary endeavors that don't lend themselves well to group activities. (I usually join message boards like this one for my hobbies.) I tend to be pretty poor at managing social stuff in groups anyway, so I would prefer making friends in a quiet, non-chaotic environment where there's just one other person.
 
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All I can suggest is trying to volunteer somewhere again. Perhaps a seniors centre or hospital. That could be very fulfilling. Or join a craft group/classes. Something casual. Sending you hugs.
 

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