What would you do?

[gotomu212]

My advice is that bride should tell groom “hey we need to arrange a time to go talk to your parents about the wedding” and then the couple goes together and talks to the groom’s parents about numbers and what they were thinking. I get that the groom may not be interested in all the details, but this is his wedding and his family too so he needs to step up and have a conversation. I think they’re setting themselves up for unnecessary problems by letting him take such a complete hands off approach.

I also think it’s one thing if one side of the family needs a few more than the other because one side has a little bigger family but it’s nice when things are pretty equal so it doesn’t feel like the marriage is starting off with one family dominating (although sometimes you get the only child of two only children marrying the person with 4 siblings and 25 cousins but that’s a little different than capping numbers so you can have more people while excluding some of their family).

 

[RedAngie]

Hopefully the groom's family is as uninterested in the whole thing as he is and don't care who gets invited. But I doubt that's the case.

The bride need to tell Sonny Boy to grow up and at least pretend to give a damn.

 

[neverlandsky]

Having a wedding sinking fund or not doesn’t matter. Money is finite and there should be a budget. First I would set a budget limit. I wouldn’t cut the groom’s guest list, yet I would cut other areas such as flowers, decor, etc.

This situation is just one example of why we are writing an equal amount check to our son & his bride / daughter & groom to be in charge of their guest lists and planning their wedding day.

 

[wenrob]

I’m still surprised when I hear how involved the parents of the bride and groom are with the wedding. (though my mother and my brother’s mil apparently had a battle royal) Mine and my DH’s kind of just stepped back and let us do our thing. Granted it wasn’t near the scale I see here on the DIS but I don’t remember anyone requesting or demanding that anyone needed to be invited.

Our list was in this order: Our parents, our grandmas, our sibs, our friends, our parents sibs and then we kind of picked and chose from there. My DH invited cousins. I did not because there were just too many of them and honestly am only friendly/close with a handful of them. I did end up inviting my grandmother’s siblings, a couple of my dad’s first cousins and we both invited our parents best friends. Still, my side easily outnumbered his two to one simply because I had more people than he did. Had we not had the budget and space those extras wouldn’t have happened.

I’m with those who say the groom needs to provide some input and help out a bit. Ideally it should be 50/50 but as you can see from my list above, sometimes someone doesn’t have a full 50 percent and I think that’s okay. It shouldn’t be about who is spending what, it should be about who the couple wants there and then if there’s room maybe each set of parents can make requests.

 

[billlaurie]

Having a wedding sinking fund or not doesn’t matter. Money is finite and there should be a budget. First I would set a budget limit. I wouldn’t cut the groom’s guest list, yet I would cut other areas such as flowers, decor, etc.

This situation is just one example of why we are writing an equal amount check to our son & his bride / daughter & groom to be in charge of their guest lists and planning their wedding day.

Couldn't agree more! Give them an equal check, regardless of gender. The whole business of the bride's family paying for the entire wedding is so outdated. Unless they are unable, can't understand why a groom's family would not expect to contribute. Daughter, son, give them an equal amount and let them plan the wedding. It is their wedding. They want to spend more than what you are willing to give, the rest of the cash is up to them, the other side, or whatever. They'll figure it out and if they can't maybe they shouldn't be getting married.

 

[Hrhpd]

Since this is definitely more of the bride's wedding, invite whoever she would like. Then I'd tell the groom's side, we have enough to pay for XX number of guests (whatever # remains), and if you would like to invite more than that, the cost will be $XX per person. And yes, it's mandatory to talk to the other side about it before booking the venue!

Wow, since when is a wedding the bride's wedding (or the grooms?) It is THEIR wedding.

To the OP, tell your friend that yes, it would be extremely rude to cut the groom's guests so that she can invite more of hers.

That said, one of my son's friends did just that to him. They had a destination wedding and they had a guest list of 200. They told my son's friend he could invite 40 people. So, the groom's parents threw a huge rehearsal dinner, invited their whole 40 people, the bridal party and the bride was allowed her mom and dad as extras. They also threw a big party after the honeymoon as a local reception and did not invite the bride's side. Which the bride was fully on board with. Needless to say, the inlaws do not get along at all but the couple is happy as can be and they tend to spend more time with the groom's family.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

The groom needs to feign interest just long enough to put together a list of who he wants to invite, then he can go back to leaving it up to the wimmin folk. If there’s room in the venue and budget and the bride and groom *want* to accommodate more people above and beyond their own guest list, then they can allocate the remaining spots equally to their parents and let them invite whomever they want.

Why on earth parents of the bride/groom feel the need to invite people that their own children don’t care to invite is something I’ve never understood. Why would I want to bring my own friends or colleagues to my son’s wedding when they don’t (or barely) know each other. If my son doesn’t feel close enough to Cousin Joe to make sure Cousin Joe makes the list, fair enough, that’s his right to decide. And if Aunt Mildred is upset she didn’t get an invitation, well, that’s not my problem. She can take it up with my son. If he’s old enough to get married, he’s old enough to manage his own relationships.

 

[Southernmiss]

Question for OP--is there a rehearsal dinner being planned? It's a tradition in our area that the groom's family pay for the rehearsal dinner.

Our son got married in 2017.

Traditional family's on both sides.

Brides family had planned for a wedding since she was born. We are both of the same faith and a church wedding was what DS and DIL wanted.

Both families each got 1/3 of the guests to invite and son and his bride got 1/3 to share.
We each had 100 people to invite.

It worked out well all around. Bride doesn't have as much family as our side does, but they have more close friends. The bride and groom did stipulate not to invite people/extended family that they had never met.

In the last couple of weeks when the RSVP responses came back, the bride's mom called me and told me to invite anyone else that i may wish to invite as the guest list worked out to be not as many as they had planned or paid the caterer for. But I really did not have anyone else to invite.

We paid for a nice rehearsal dinner after the rehearsal with the wedding party, their guests and grandparents-about 50 people. Our son and DIL and us chose the venue to "match" the standard of the wedding.

It was truly a wonderful, magical weekend for all of us.

 

[disykat]

Why on earth parents of the bride/groom feel the need to invite people that their own children don’t care to invite is something I’ve never understood. Why would I want to bring my own friends or colleagues to my son’s wedding when they don’t (or barely) know each other. If my son doesn’t feel close enough to Cousin Joe to make sure Cousin Joe makes the list, fair enough, that’s his right to decide.

I've always agreed with you - UNTIL my own son wasn't going to invite people that he'd literally celebrated every holiday, birthday, etc. with his entire life. It was a shock.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Completely agree with PPs. 50/50 of the total they can afford and/or the venue can hold.

If for some reason the groom's family comes up with less, then the bride's family could fill those extra seats.

That's my take, also.

 

[Searc]

Couldn't agree more! Give them an equal check, regardless of gender. The whole business of the bride's family paying for the entire wedding is so outdated. Unless they are unable, can't understand why a groom's family would not expect to contribute. Daughter, son, give them an equal amount and let them plan the wedding. It is their wedding. They want to spend more than what you are willing to give, the rest of the cash is up to them, the other side, or whatever. They'll figure it out and if they can't maybe they shouldn't be getting married.

Maybe his parents paid for his college education and after that, expects an adult to pay for their own wedding?

 

[mummabear]

I think the bride decides how many guests they can afford and then split that number 50/50 between the two sides. They can tell groom's mother how many she can invite.

I almost agree, I think the couple themselves needs cut there so more like 35/35/30 or 40/40/20 but so much of it comes down to relationships between all sorts of people

My personal belief is you set the “level of closeness” and invite everyone at that level regardless of whether one side ends up larger than the other or not. For example, you can’t invite all the bride’s first cousins and then only some of the groom’s just because there are more of them in his family.

And you absolutely cannot bring more of “your side” just because your side is paying. If the budget is causing an issue, you either get more stringent across the board with who you invite, OR you adjust the venue & menu downward to accommodate more people.

I agree wholeheartedly with the 1st point you would say we get to in ite 2 aunts each if one side has 2 and the other has 5, its the whole fair doesnt mean exactly the same thing.

I cant decide about the second point honestly. Part of me thinks it depends on how many more we are talking about, who is being left out of the grooms side to make way for who on the brides side.
But honestly I do think in these cases money buys (what is the word I want to use?) Power? Sway? Input?
If families want it to be truly even then it's either the bride and groom paying and making their decisions (taking into account family dynamics and wishes) or it's an even split between either brides family and grooms family or the two families and the couple in 1/3 split.
I can certainly see how a family from either side if they were paying 100% for it would feel like it was "theirs".

Once I was mother of the groom I admit to being very hurt by the guest list. We gave a gift that covered about 1/3, plus hosted rehearsal dinner and son paid for the rest.

Rehearsal dinner is a good point, it is important to remember when thinking about the budget and who has "paid for it all" that things like the rehearsal dinner or morning after brunch are included with the wedding budget, not just the cetemony/reception itself.
I think all parties should sit down (or Skype whatever) and have clear communications to come to agreements that suit everyone as much as possible.

For ours we split the wedding itself 3 ways evenly between my parents, his parents and us, my parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, his for the morning after brunch, we paid for the honeymoon.
His mother threw a morning tea, and mine covered some other random costs like nails that we did together.
The guest list was approximately split 3 ways, between his family (who are technically smaller but local), my family (much larger but international so less came), my parents added some good friends (the family.you choose kind) while his didnt add any non family, and our own invites for our friends

 

[mummabear]

Wow, since when is a wedding the bride's wedding (or the grooms?) It is THEIR wedding.

I dint disagree, but with that in mind why do the brides family pay?

 

[billlaurie]

Maybe his parents paid for his college education and after that, expects an adult to pay for their own wedding?

With you on that too! There should be no expectation that parents pay for anything that has to do with adulthood. I have been through this twice already and about to do it with the 3rd out of 5 later this year. We contributed a set amount that they could do whatever they chose to do with, and they planned, paid the rest based on what kind of wedding THEY wanted, and invited whoever they wanted. I stayed out of it. Not my wedding. They invited family from both sides they were close to but mostly invited their own friends.

 

[wenrob]

The groom needs to feign interest just long enough to put together a list of who he wants to invite, then he can go back to leaving it up to the wimmin folk. If there’s room in the venue and budget and the bride and groom *want* to accommodate more people above and beyond their own guest list, then they can allocate the remaining spots equally to their parents and let them invite whomever they want.

Why on earth parents of the bride/groom feel the need to invite people that their own children don’t care to invite is something I’ve never understood. Why would I want to bring my own friends or colleagues to my son’s wedding when they don’t (or barely) know each other. If my son doesn’t feel close enough to Cousin Joe to make sure Cousin Joe makes the list, fair enough, that’s his right to decide. And if Aunt Mildred is upset she didn’t get an invitation, well, that’s not my problem. She can take it up with my son. If he’s old enough to get married, he’s old enough to manage his own relationships.

If/when my kids get married I’ll leave it to them.

I've always agreed with you - UNTIL my own son wasn't going to invite people that he'd literally celebrated every holiday, birthday, etc. with his entire life. It was a shock.

Were these people you invited to these events or people he wanted at these events? My parents were famous for throwing us birthday parties and inviting their friends. Some were as close as family and some I just plain didn’t like. I did not invite those people to my wedding.

Now if you’re talking people like your sibs or his grandparents I could see being upset. I’ve stated I’ll leave it up to my kids but I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t upset me if they didn’t invite my sister. My mother has a brother that I can’t stand, I did invite him just to head off drama.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I've always agreed with you - UNTIL my own son wasn't going to invite people that he'd literally celebrated every holiday, birthday, etc. with his entire life. It was a shock.

Well, I have a few thoughts. I don’t think you can judge the closeness of his relationships based on who’s in attendance at the family gatherings. I doubt he was the one making the guest list for these gatherings, after all. (And look how many people spend the holidays with people they don’t even like! )

I’m thinking of the relationships my husband and I have, and in turn my son will have, with the relatives who are at every family celebration with us. Some we’re close to and others we just see those few times a year, making polite conversation and then going our separate ways. I expect my son, who is yet another generation further removed, will have even less of a relationship with those people. Come wedding time, I would certainly understand his desire to give one of his limited invitations to a friend over a great uncle he only has a superficial relationship with, even though that uncle was present at all the family gatherings through the years.

Even if his choices about the guest list surprised me, I still feel those choices are his to make. (And as an adult, he can deal with any resulting fall out from his choices.) I wouldn’t get involved and try to influence the guest list, regardless if I had made a monetary contribution or not. Weddings are meaningful occasions and the people in attendance should mean something to the bride and groom. Who I would chose to invite doesn’t matter because it’s not my wedding.

 

[leebee]

We are eyebrow deep in wedding planning- 58 days to go- and I must say, the guest list is a difficult thing. DD and her fiance wanted a small wedding, and set the guest list at 80. They felt that they only wanted to invite people they know, not distant folks they'd only met once, or grandma's neighbors, children, etc. They picked who they wanted (and it included a fair amount of family from both sides) and then gave both me and his mom each about 10 people to invite. His mom went ballistic. HOW can you have a wedding and not invite everyone, HOW can you not invite children, etc. I really wanted to invite my cousins (long story, but other than my sibs they are the only family I have. I "lost" them for decades after my dad died and only recently re-established contact and relationships, and it's all good) but there just wasn't space. It got pretty awful, and the wedding for 80 now has a guest list of 141 (including bride, groom, and wedding party). DD and her fiance decided that this wasn't a battle worth having, even though this wedding is now larger than they hoped (actually, only 88 have said yes so far). They DID get the "no children" at the wedding, but in reality there were only about 5 kids who might have potentially needed to be invited (and none of the parents had an issue with no kids... only the groom's mom!). As far as paying goes, we are pretty much going to split it 3 ways... us, groom's parents, and DD/fiance.

 

[1GoldenSun]

OP here.

To answer some of your questions, they're planning on a guest list of no more than 150 total. The majority of the guest list consists of friends of the bride and groom. They didn't meet until their late 20s so have different high school and college friends. The bride has stayed close to so many friends from high school, college, grad school, and previous jobs and she can't imagine not inviting them all. Plus everyone she currently works with. I think she needs to realize that not everyone she's friends with expects to be invited. People do understand that everyone can't be invited.

The groom has a lot of siblings--full, half, and step--and most of them are married with multiple children. He also has a stepmother and an ex-stepmother and a stepfather, so quite a large family just when you consider "immediate" family. If they get into aunts and uncles and cousins,, they're afraid that would take up the whole guest list right there. The bride is an only child and has one cousin she thinks of as a sister, but if she invites her, she has to invite all her cousins, as well as aunts and uncles. Also, all four of her grandparents are living, while none of the grooms's are. So in the end, the bride's side of the family would only have probably four or five more people invited, it's just that the "level" of family goes further with hers--she's inviting cousins, etc. and he is not. Also, her list of friends is much larger than his, but that isn't family and no one would realize that she had more friends there than he did.

I agree they really need to talk it out. No mention of a rehearsal dinner has been made, and the groom says that he doesn't think they paid anything toward any of their other children's weddings. My friend doesn't care about a contribution from them, but she doesn't want to hurt any feelings.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

We did it the traditional way with both our daughters. We paid for the weddings, the groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. It would never have occurred to me to invite more people on our list than the groom's "side". I think anything less would have been a blueprint for potentially long-lasting hurt in-law feelings. How could that possibly benefit the bride? Weddings are just one day. Marriages (hopefully) last a lifetime.

 

[Pamlur]

Our wedding issue was my step-daugthter's. It was pretty fancy, with plated dinner, orchestra, etc. Groom's family, Bride's family, Bride and groom's friends,all agreeing and getting along just fine. And then comes Grandma. thud. She can NOT possibly manage on that few guests, she needs everybody at the Senior Center,and then there are all the guests from various states. It was a few years ago, but I am fairly sure she had more tables at the dinner than any of the rest of us did; We just wanted it over. But we managed and Grandma managed to feel likethe Queen ofthe Prom,which is what she wanted to begin with .