When Mom isn't around anymore

[MrsCobraBubbles]

Sorry to broach a sad topic, but I have a few good friends struggling with balancing Mother's Day festivities and sadness about their moms passing away. I do my best to be sensitive. Today is a day that is both happy and sad for many of us.

One friend in particular is really struggling today; we couldn't get together today but we have a phone date planned for tonight after our kids are in bed. Her mom just passed away a few months ago and this is the first Mother's Day without her mom. What can I say to help her? I hate that she is hurting.

 

[Floridaman999]

Sorry to broach a sad topic, but I have a few good friends struggling with balancing Mother's Day festivities and sadness about their moms passing away. I do my best to be sensitive. Today is a day that is both happy and sad for many of us.

One friend in particular is really struggling today; we couldn't get together today but we have a phone date planned for tonight after our kids are in bed. Her mom just passed away a few months ago and this is the first Mother's Day without her mom. What can I say to help her? I hate that she is hurting.

I don't think it's what you say, it's being there for her and listening to what she says.

 

[mommasita]

As someone who has lost a Mother and a daughter, just listen please. Listen

 

[tileman]

I lost my mother at the age of 21 and my dad at 12 I miss them so much at times
Was at church bible study today and
Before the class started the guy in the church band played a tune on the piano for the Mother’s that was there I absolutely about lost it had to hold back my tears
I’m now 53 and lord I miss my parents

Ron

 

[Immadismom]

It’s very likely there’s not much you can say, just be a listening ear if she wants to talk.

My mother passed away 3 years ago on March 31st. My husband knows I dread Mother’s Day every year, other than our three teens being extra loving on the day of. The past two years he played it low-key. This year he gave me some Birkenstock’s I’d really been wanting, along with a canvas photo of my mom kissing me on the cheek on the day of our wedding. Of course I shed some tears. But, I LOVE it more than he even knows, because I had no idea his aunt had even captured that photo (9 years ago) and now I have it hanging in our bedroom. I’m glad he waited until year 3 though. I don’t think I could have dealt with it the prior two years, because beside the sadness, I had a lot of anger about her death.

I think if you ask your friend how she is doing, and let her guide the conversation, that’s the very best thing you can do. Some days, I don’t want to talk about it. Others, I was to rehash every moment of how awful it was during her last 6 months (she had cancer and passed quickly, but it was very painful and hard to watch).

Thank you for being an understanding friend for her. She needs that support right now.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

Ok, thanks for the replies. Getting ready to talk to her now.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

We talked and it was sad, but I hope I helped her feel a little bit ok. Thanks for the advice, I mostly listened. We both shared some of our favorite memories of her mom and we were both crying.

 

[Lehuaann]

We talked and it was sad, but I hope I helped her feel a little bit ok. Thanks for the advice, I mostly listened. We both shared some of our favorite memories of her mom and we were both crying.

I just want to say thank you for being sensitive enough to even ask. And ditto that the best advice is just being there and listening. I love that you were able to share favorite memories of mom.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Yesterday was a bit rough with all of the celebrations and the like. However, not a single day has passed that I don't stop and remember. It doesn't take some holiday to make me honor my mother's memory.

I guess I spent a lot of yesterday worrying that somebody would ask, or just say something not knowing or thinking. Thankfully that did not happen. I guess everybody is different. In my own opinion, I would not want anybody to say anything about it, just listen if I want to talk about it.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Thank you for being there for your friend! I saw this too late to answer, but I think you got exactly the right advice.

Mother's Day sneaks up on me every year because the reminders that my Mom is no longer with us get a bit overwhelming, and I kind of block it all out. (In the week leading up to it, I generally get upset about dumb little stuff instead.) Then there's the guilt - either I worry that DS will think a moment of sadness about my mom is disappointment with what he did for me, or that I've forgotten to do something I should have done for other moms I know. I tend to be glad when it's over.

 

[Snowflakey]

Celebrate her

 

[luvsJack]

Thank you for being there for your friend! I saw this too late to answer, but I think you got exactly the right advice.

Mother's Day sneaks up on me every year because the reminders that my Mom is no longer with us get a bit overwhelming, and I kind of block it all out. (In the week leading up to it, I generally get upset about dumb little stuff instead.) Then there's the guilt - either I worry that that DS will think a moment of sadness about my mom is disappointment with what he did for me, or that I've forgotten to do something I should have done for other moms I know. I tend to be glad when it's over.

It’s the same for me. We lost my mom 3 years ago. The first Mother’s Day was the worst. But it hasn’t gotten a whole lot easier. And for some reason, for me, Mother’s Day is worse than her birthday or the anniversary of her death.

My kids all want to do different things so we spend the day splitting between the three of them Dh thinks they all discuss it and it’s their way of making sure I am not home that day. So I try to block out the sadness and enjoy the time with each of them.

 

[Kitty 34]

Yesterday was a bit rough with all of the celebrations and the like. However, not a single day has passed that I don't stop and remember. It doesn't take some holiday to make me honor my mother's memory.

I guess I spent a lot of yesterday worrying that somebody would ask, or just say something not knowing or thinking. Thankfully that did not happen. I guess everybody is different. In my own opinion, I would not want anybody to say anything about it, just listen if I want to talk about it.

 

[siren0119]

I lost my mom 22 years ago (I had just turned 23). Every year it hits me a little differently. But one thing I have learned about grief is that the hole that person leaves in your heart never goes away....but it...changes. Softens. If you allow it, it gets more bittersweet than bitter. Some years are harder than others, and some years it hits me on totally random days instead of a holiday or anniversary. It's unpredictable. I've learned to just go with it, feel the things I need to feel, and smile that she left such an indelible mark on my life that she can still touch me 22 years later.

 

[tvguy]

This is my most difficult time of year. However, I have lots of great memories to carry me through.
May 11th would have been my mom's 96th birthday.
May 12th was Mother's Day
May 13th is the 52nd anniversary of my dad's passing
May 13th is the 53rd anniversary of my Grandfathers passing (the only Grandparent alive in my life time)
May 20th is the 6th anniversary of my mom's passing.

 

[PollyannaMom]

@tvguy

 

[DisneyMomx7]

This was my first Mother's Day without my mom (she died in August) and my mother-in-law (who died in March).

It was a hard day but I made it a little easier for myself by not doing things the same way we always did. I usually had everyone at my house. When the kids were younger we had a cook out. When they got older they would have dinner catered at my house.

This year half of them took me out to brunch and the other half to dinner.
Tried just to think of the good memories.

 

[Kitty 34]

This was my first Mother's Day without my mom (she died in August) and my mother-in-law (who died in March).

It was a hard day but I made it a little easier for myself by not doing things the same way we always did. I usually had everyone at my house. When the kids were younger we had a cook out. When they got older they would have dinner catered at my house.

This year half of them took me out to brunch and the other half to dinner.
Tried just to think of the good memories.

 

[MIGrandma]

I was glad when the day was over. And no more advertising for Mothers Day. This was the second one without my Mom, almost as hard as the first one was.

There were some nice moments in the day though, our DD and SIL gave me a beautiful African Mallow perennial for my garden, even though I told them I wanted nothing as DD had her first breast cancer chemo treatment the 9th. She had a lumpectomy a few weeks ago. The only thing I want is for her to end up cancer free after the chemo and radiation treatments.

Our son called me in the afternoon, he is a long distance trucker and only home twice a month. It was nice chatting with him, love that he took the time to call. And he is planning to come visit next weekend, and plans to bring both of our great-granddaughters with him. Time spent with my kids and grands is the best gift.

 

[scrhsa]

I lost my mom 22 years ago (I had just turned 23). Every year it hits me a little differently. But one thing I have learned about grief is that the hole that person leaves in your heart never goes away....but it...changes. Softens. If you allow it, it gets more bittersweet than bitter. Some years are harder than others, and some years it hits me on totally random days instead of a holiday or anniversary. It's unpredictable. I've learned to just go with it, feel the things I need to feel, and smile that she left such an indelible mark on my life that she can still touch me 22 years later.

Very well stated! I haven't lost my Mom yet, but I lost my Dad 9 yrs ago and that is exactly how I feel!