Would you be mad? Cancelling via text message... Vacation plans

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Flakiness is one of my biggest pet peeves in friendships and I have ended friendships because of it once it becomes a pattern.

If I had been friends with someone relatively short time it would be different. After 18 years methinks the OP knows exactly how this friend is. Personality flaw perhaps but we all have those. If you've made it 18 years being friends that probably says a lot. It just doesn't rise to the level of actually ending a very long-term friendship over for me personally that is. Perhaps this is just one thing out of many things but isolated such that the OP has described not enough for me to end such a long friendship over. I dislike flaky people but I do and have adjusted my interactions with them (such that inviting them on a trip is unlikely).

 

[Imzadi]

If I had been friends with someone relatively short time it would be different. After 18 years methinks the OP knows exactly how this friend is. Personality flaw perhaps but we all have those.

That goes the other way too. Why would the friend expect tears, unless it has already happened before? And maybe the text is because she wanted to avoid that kind of reaction again? We are only hearing one side of the story.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

That goes the other way too. Why would the friend expect tears, unless it has already happened before? And maybe the text is because she wanted to avoid that kind of reaction again? We are only hearing one side of the story.

To play devil's advocate. I've thought by mistake someone would be furious at something when they weren't and have been pleasantly surprised. But I don't think the person that sent it was demanding that she be furious.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

To answer your question, yes, I would be mad! It sounds like you normally communicate by talking on the phone; she called you the other two times when she canceled, she called you to ask if they could come for Memorial Day weekend, you have talked multiple times over the last 6 months planning your weekend. It seems very strange to me that she wouldn't just pick up the phone like she normally does to communicate with you and call and let you know that she has to cancel.

Totally different circumstance, but this just happened yesterday. My 31 year old niece is in town for 2 days. We made plans via text to meet for lunch today. Last night, a dear elderly friend of mine called. She has been going through chemo and was hospitalized for the last five days. Before she was hospitalized we had an appt. to go for a wig fitting today. On Monday, her husband called me and said that she wouldn't be able to go to the wig appt. Then last night at 8:00 she and her husband called me to let me know that she was back home again and she wanted to go to the wig appt., and was hoping that I could go with her. I of course said that I could. (her family is not terribly supportive or helpful, so I knew if I didn't go, she would be on her own. She is 82)

I now had to cancel with my niece, as the only time she could meet was the same time as the appt. I really wanted to see my niece and felt bad canceling, but knew that I needed to help my friend. Even though we had texted multiple times planning our lunch, I wouldn't have considered texting her to cancel. I wanted to talk to her and explain the situation and express how disappointed I was that I had to cancel.

For me personally, if I need to cancel something with someone that I am close/friends with, I am going to call them and talk to them, so I can express my regret.

I wouldn't end a friendship over a text or cancelation, but I would be disappointed.

As others have said, I would NEVER make plans to do any kind of vacation or prolonged visit with this couple again. Probably a last minute dinner out would be the extent of it for me.

 

[portocall]

Mad wouldn't be strong enough. Furious is more like it. I would reply back though so kudos to you for rising above it.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm surprised by people saying they wouldn't be bothered. If I had been planning a trip for a while and somebody canceled, I would be angry. Flakiness is one of my biggest pet peeves in friendships and I have ended friendships because of it once it becomes a pattern. And the "I thought you would be in tears" comment is just weird. She's hoping you'll be upset about it? I probably wouldn't go out of my way to see these people again.

I have no problem with the text message thing, but that's how I do a lot of my communication anyway.

This makes it sound like the friends were coming to OP's home, not that they were all taking a trip.
Memorial day weekend She is the one who suggested the get together, and called me on the phone to asked if they could come for Memorial Day weekend.

In that case I wouldn't be bothered at all. I'm in the process of figuring out my Memorial Day weekend menu, I haven't done any shopping, prep or cooking of anything other than looking up some recipies and writing a list. It's no biggie if my friends end up cancelling, I'll just not make as much food.
I also don't know if I would consider 3 cancellations a "pattern". 3 out of how many years of get togethers are we talking about? Sometimes life happens and plans change. It isn't like the OP's friend texted her on the day they were arriving to let her know, she's letting her know in advance and there is plenty of time for the OP to change her own plans.

I don't know what the friend meant by the tears comment without knowing the friend.
If my friend had said that I would assume she was making a little joke but that is how we are with eachother.

I would never end an 18 year friendship over this (and the other 2 incidents) unless there were many other much deeper issues with it.

 

[Wendy31]

I'm cooking for Mother's Day. My sister & I just sorta finalized the menu today, but I haven't shopped yet.

If we had overnight guests coming for Memorial Day weekend, I'd be thinking about the menu & our plans, but I probably wouldn't have begun any of the actual preparations yet.

 

[Hrhpd]

That goes the other way too. Why would the friend expect tears, unless it has already happened before? And maybe the text is because she wanted to avoid that kind of reaction again? We are only hearing one side of the story.

Makes me wonder if there is another meaning to the tears question.

Some people who are not coping well with the empty nest, couples that have been unsuccessfully trying for a family, a grandparent that doesn't see their grandchildren enough, occasionally get a pet to channel some of that love want to give. A dog will never replace a child or grandchild, but it does give a small outlet for all the love some people have cooped up.

Or did their daughter with special needs get a service dog that they were on a long waiting list for?

Makes me wonder if the tears didn't mean tears of happiness. OP, were your friends struggling in anyway and they thought you would be overjoyed that they had gotten something fulfilling in their lives to help cope?

Texting wouldn't bother me a bit. It is the new language of today's world.

Cancelling 2.5 weeks out would be a bit annoying, but there is plenty of time to make other plans, so I wouldn't stress over it too much. Especially if it was from a person that I knew played fast and loose with plans. Reminds me of Michael J Fox in The American President

Lewis Rothschild : [in the president's limo called the beast] I tell any girl I'm going out with to assume that all plans are soft until she receives confirmation from me thirty minutes beforehand.

Robin McCall : And they find this romantic?

Lewis Rothschild : Well, I say it with a great deal of charm.​

 

[a1tinkfans]

I’d just not ever make plans with them again regarding any type of vacation. But stay friends.

 

[JPPT1974]

If it were like someone being killed or dying of cancer it would be one thing. But if someone cancelled it by text for no good reasons. Then yes.

 

[pixiedustedme]

So we have been planning with our friends coming for vacation... Memorial day weekend She is the one who suggested the get together, and called me on the phone to asked if they could come for Memorial Day weekend... Since then She and I have been planning and talking on the phone about this trip for over 6 months. DH took off work from work on the Friday before so he could be off and we all could spend time together... I have been planning out meals, and such... This is not the first time that they have done this, once was for a medical reasons... her adult daughter who lives with them has special needs, and was having some medical issue...and it's perfectly understandable, and she did pick up the phone and call me to tell me and apologizes... which the apology wasn't necessary as I completely understand. Then we were suppose to met then in NYC, and they cancelled for another reason, something to do with his adult daughter who is a doctor, he was mad and pouting about something that she said or did and wasn't in the mood to go anywhere... and again she called to cancel and apologize for cancelling... We went anyway, and she was kinda mad that we went anyway, and said something like " I can't believe that you went with out us" I was like we already had plane tickets, hotel and show tickets bought... why would we not go...this was several years ago...

So I get a text, that says... and I quote "I am afraid we have to cancel our trip and this is the reason why... and its a picture of a dog" ???? I guess they got a new dog...

So I responded - Okay

She responds back - WOW I thought you would be in tears...

I haven't responded back... nor will I... we are done...

This is think is just rude, and inconsiderate at least... and not even hey I'm sorry... and she hasn't picked up the phone, I thought that she would have picked up the phone after work or something... call me.... and we really don't text each other we are more calling and talking on the phone kinda friends... and I am really mad that we declined some other friends on a beach trip for memorial day. Which I called her to make sure that they were coming for sure, I did not tell her that we had another offer... before we declined the other offer...and she was like" Yes we are coming... I can't wait... and on and on...and all I got was that lame text"...this is not how you treat someone who you have been friends with 18 years...

Would you be mad? Would you handle it any different?

I agree with you on this. Her behavior shows a lack of respect for you, and that is a major problem when it comes to friendship, which should be based on mutual affection and respect. When she shows minimal respect towards you, and you have minimal affection towards her due to her bad behavior towards you, it is not a good sign for the future of the friendship. The fact that she responded that she thought you would be in tears is terrible. It indicates that she knew that this would hurt you, but she still chose to do it via text message rather than make the effort to speak to you.

I'd take a break from interacting with her at the very least. But really, that would probably end the friendship from my POV unless some sincere and substantive apologizing occurred.

 

[pixiedustedme]

Makes me wonder if there is another meaning to the tears question...Makes me wonder if the tears didn't mean tears of happiness.

Oh boy. Have I got a bridge to sell you...

 

[jerseygal]

Yes, I would be annoyed, happened more than once(this is the third time). Would not make plans with them again, VERY unreliable. Hope that you can enjoy the long weekend with your own family!

 

[LovesTimone]

I don't understand the part about "I thought you would be I tears". Is there any possibility that she wasn't completely serious? I mean the weird addition of being in tears and you say text isn't your normal form of communication.

Were they going to be staying at your house? Or if ya'll were going away, do you have dogs that you board? Could she have been fishing for an offer to bring the dog or to see if she could board her dog with yours?

I just try to figure out why when people do things differently than their normal ways. (the texting) or say things that don't sound right (the tears).

OP here,
Yes they were coming to stay with us for 4 nights ... I too don't understand why she said " I thought that you would be in tears" either... As I am not someone who cries and carry's on... sobbing about.... Texting is not our normal form of communication, rarely do we text... maybe some pictures or something simple... as she hates to text....

 

[LovesTimone]

OP you seem quite fixated on the text vs phone call. There are things that I absolutely agree are so much easier and appropriate for a phone call. But this doesn't strike me as one of them. Could she have physically called? Yeah she chose not to but try not to take offense to that. It's more of a minor detail to me personaly.

I could see her being disappointed about not being able to go to NYC though that's a bit much to make you feel bad for going anyways. So that part I'm less inclined to be totally cool with. Even with disappointment you should keep that sort of comment unsaid in this exact context.

I'm guessing though over the years of friendship this is probably a couple who can at times be flakey or maybe find themselves easier to cancel on you in favor of something else. I get being annoyed by that, I've had that before. We've dealt with it more recently with my husband's sister. We just stopped inviting her to big things though since she's graduated college a few years ago it's been better (she used to cancel on us all the time to go to basketball games last minute). I would probably opt to not make vacation plans with them for a while.

I've been friends with my best friend for 25 years. No this is not something I would end a friendship over. By this point I know how she is and she knows how I am and we still continue to grow as individuals. We also have been for a long time comfortable enough with each other to discuss our frustrations, disappointments, etc in manner in which we can still be respectful of each other.

As for the "wow I thought you would be in tears" comment I'm going with the friend expected more of an upset reaction because that's probably how it's been or at least the friend knew the OP's expectations regarding making plans and whatnot. My friends over the years knew that I disliked being late (because that's how I grew up), that it annoyed me when plans were changed or cancelled (because that's how I grew up--you stuck with your plans). BUT over the years I learned to adjust that, to ease up on it. I still remember the time my friend was late and she was apologetic and whatnot and I was so chillax about it she had this shocked look on her face. Without any other details that's how I would interpret that comment. Not necessarily that it was an emotional manipulation. But that is purely IMO.

OP here: I'm not a woman that spends time on crying, and sobbing about ever... and I am super laid back... my motto in life is " Drama Free the Life for Me" so the line about "WOW I thought you would be in tears" is out of left field somewhere... and her texting is very strange as she hates to text and thinks that it is totally impersonal to text... and we normally talk on the phone...

 

[LovesTimone]

One thing I'm unclear on. Were they coming to stay with you for the weekend or were all of you going on a trip somewhere.

Yes they were coming to stay with us for 4 nights....they live in GA...

 

[Disneylover99]

OP here,
Yes they were coming to stay with us for 4 nights ... I too don't understand why she said " I thought that you would be in tears" either... As I am not someone who cries and carry's on... sobbing about.... Texting is not our normal form of communication, rarely do we text... maybe some pictures or something simple... as she hates to text....

Well, you’re really angry about it. To the point where you’re thinking about ending the friendship. I guess she knew you’d be mad and sometimes extreme anger about a situation can lead to tears, no matter how laid back a person is. But she probably thought you’d lean more towards the upset part of it, rather than the angry part.

 

[LovesTimone]

It's 2.5 weeks away, planning meals and cooking/shopping for meals are two different things. DH can 1) withdraw his day off or 2) use it and spend the day with you. To me, this isn't a big deal. and with regard to the text v phone call. Maybe she's a texter and you're her only "talk on the phone" friend. I'm trying to see the skin off your back on this one, and I can't find it. Enjoy the weekend anyway - and hey, if you're good friends (like really good friends), with the beach house people....call her up and ask if the invite still stands......life's too short to let to sweat the small stuff.

OP here,
The option for the beach house is not doable... they decided to rent it for the holiday... and are staying home, so we are meeting them at Disney Springs for dinner one night... DH and I were talking about what we are going to do... and have a couple of plans kicking about... There not coming is not going to stop us from getting out or anything... We will have a good time no matter what...

As far as the texting - I am more the texter than she is... She hates texting and has always said that its impersonal...

 

[CarolAnn856]

As far as the texting - I am more the texter than she is... She hates texting and has always said that its impersonal...

Two reasons I see for texting...one, she wanted to send the pic of the dog, and two, the fact that you are considering ending the friendship over this suggests that maybe you don't come across as laid-back as you think you are.

 

[LovesTimone]

That goes the other way too. Why would the friend expect tears, unless it has already happened before? And maybe the text is because she wanted to avoid that kind of reaction again? We are only hearing one side of the story.

OP here... No tears from me when she cancelled before or this time... When her DD was having medical issues is totally understandable to cancel plans... her DD is a special needs adult, and as always your kids come first...I was very concern about her DD health, and was in no way upset in the least.... the second time she cancelled was because her DH and his daughter got into a argument, and he was mad and pouting and decided that he wasn't in the mood to go anywhere... I felt well that's your loss and We went to NYC without them... and she got upset that we went without them... I told her the plane tickets were paid for, hotel and show tickets paid for, why would we not go... I'm not loosing money, because your DH is in a mood.... their plane tickets and show tickets were not refundable so they lost $$$ out on that... and I am the texter... she dislikes texting and is always saying how impersonal it is..