Would you be mad? Cancelling via text message... Vacation plans

Makes me wonder if there is another meaning to the tears question.

Some people who are not coping well with the empty nest, couples that have been unsuccessfully trying for a family, a grandparent that doesn't see their grandchildren enough, occasionally get a pet to channel some of that love want to give. A dog will never replace a child or grandchild, but it does give a small outlet for all the love some people have cooped up.

Or did their daughter with special needs get a service dog that they were on a long waiting list for?

Makes me wonder if the tears didn't mean tears of happiness. OP, were your friends struggling in anyway and they thought you would be overjoyed that they had gotten something fulfilling in their lives to help cope?

Texting wouldn't bother me a bit. It is the new language of today's world.

Cancelling 2.5 weeks out would be a bit annoying, but there is plenty of time to make other plans, so I wouldn't stress over it too much. Especially if it was from a person that I knew played fast and loose with plans. Reminds me of Michael J Fox in The American President

Lewis Rothschild : [in the president's limo called the beast] I tell any girl I'm going out with to assume that all plans are soft until she receives confirmation from me thirty minutes beforehand.

Robin McCall : And they find this romantic?

Lewis Rothschild : Well, I say it with a great deal of charm.

OP here...

Or did their daughter with special needs get a service dog that they were on a long waiting list for? No just a regular dog...

Makes me wonder if the tears didn't mean tears of happiness. OP, were your friends struggling in anyway and they thought you would be overjoyed that they had gotten something fulfilling in their lives to help cope? No... they already have 1 dog so this is a new addition to their family... and they had planned to kennel the dog that they already had... so they could have just kenneled both dogs together...

The texting really is what gets me, and she doesn't like to text more like destest it... I am the one that does all the texting...
 
I'm with several others: I would be really upset that she canceled plans -- again. The fact that she texted instead of called would be a minor annoyance and far down the list. (I would be more upset about the principle of it -- since you have said that *she* thinks text is impersonal/inappropriate -- rather than the actual mechanics of it.) Since it sounds like you will be able to adjust your plans with minimal financial/time loss, I hope you are able to make new plans and have a great holiday weekend anyway. The NYC trip would definitely have made me angry though!

The "I thought you'd be in tears" comment is really weird. When I first read your story, I thought the picture was of an old, beloved dog and they had to cancel because their dog was sick or something -- and maybe "I thought you'd be in tears [because I know you love my dog and he's sick.]" But it sounds like that's not it. Then I thought "I thought you'd be in [happy] tears [because you love dogs and we finally got one. Isn't he the cutest?]" But that doesn't sound like it fits either. Expecting you to be in tears over canceled plans seems awfully dramatic. And if I was in tears over this, they'd be angry tears, not sad ones!

We also had friends cancel a long-planned trip together due to getting a new dog. I'm not exactly sure what happened. Our dogs are rescues but I wouldn't look for a dog if I had a trip coming up. (They canceled less than a week before.) My other friends who have bought dogs from breeders seem to know when their dog will be coming home weeks, not days, in advance. The only other option I can think of is that they impulse-bought a dog, either from a pet store or a breeder's "leftover." Again, not something I would do, especially with a trip planned. (They love their dog and still have him many years later, so I guess it worked out for them... but as much as I love dogs, I didn't find it a valid reason to cancel.)
 
I'm surprised by people saying they wouldn't be bothered. If I had been planning a trip for a while and somebody canceled, I would be angry. Flakiness is one of my biggest pet peeves in friendships and I have ended friendships because of it once it becomes a pattern. And the "I thought you would be in tears" comment is just weird. She's hoping you'll be upset about it? I probably wouldn't go out of my way to see these people again.

I have no problem with the text message thing, but that's how I do a lot of my communication anyway.

I don’t think the OP is out any money on this. Her husband took the Friday off, so I just see this as an opportunity to do something even better with my weekend. There is still plenty of time to make a new plan. :)
 
OP here,
Yes they were coming to stay with us for 4 nights ... I too don't understand why she said " I thought that you would be in tears" either... As I am not someone who cries and carry's on... sobbing about.... Texting is not our normal form of communication, rarely do we text... maybe some pictures or something simple... as she hates to text....

Well that does make it strange that she would text. But if she seriously thought you would be upset, could be a way to avoid hearing you upset. But she has certainly known you long enough to know you wouldn’t carry on.

People can be odd sometimes. Maybe it was just one of those moments for her.
 




...The texting really is what gets me, and she doesn't like to text more like destest it... I am the one that does all the texting...
It’s obvious to me that she didn’t have the nerve to call and talk to you voice-to-voice so she just lobbed in a little “text bomb”. As to the comment about the tears, it implies she was (deservedly) expecting a bad reaction. Unless this is the most self-centred and obtuse woman in the world, she absolutely knew she was about to do a bad thing, for the third time running, and couldn’t face you. Very gutless IMO for someone who is supposed to care about you.

As for the friendship, well, I’d need to know more about how it actually plays out in day-to-day life. How close actually are you? In what ways do you usually interact and be involved in each other’s lives? What would ending it look like? Would it even have to be a big thing or would you just stop calling for a while? Either which way it goes without saying you would be foolish to even talk about travel plans again. That’s just a NO and feel free to explain why if it ever comes up again.
 
Didn't get to read all the replies, but I'm having a hard time understanding the dog thing. As a responsible adult, acquiring a dog would not be an impulse decision for us. If we knew we had committed to others and had imminent travel plans, we would put off looking for a dog until we returned and had the time to dedicate it. I would be annoyed with the friend for this reason, and also because I don't really consider it "plenty of notice" - its 3 weeks away, so flights and resorts are booked or very expensive if you wanted to go to the beach instead, or something like that.

I have a friend who is like this. She means well when making plans, and I think she genuinely wants to do the things she sets up, but she's just unreliable and self-centered. She often cancels or re-schedules because sometimes she simply doesn't want to make the effort. I know this about her and make all my plans with her tentative, and don't confirm until the morning of. I no longer get upset if she cancels, because I expect this. I value her friendship enough to accept this about her, and I set my own expectations accordingly. I agree with PPs that its not something worth ending the friendship over, but I would not make anymore vacation plans with them. Or at the very least, make the plans at an arm's length so if/when they cancel, your own plans are not impacted.
 


I haven't read all of the posts but will. Just reading the original OP and I have a to of sympathy for parents of children with special needs and could understand cancelations for that. However, these people are serial cancelers. The NYC thing and the dog thing..please. It's ridiculous they expected you to cancel your plans to NYC too! I wouldn't make anymore plans with them. I think you've done your time! This is just a text/phone friend, either ghost or let things blow over to go back to the phone/texting. It's a pain to wait around for people who cancel often. Life is too short to waste your time on people who don't respect that you have a life too.

**Edited to add answer to OP's question would I be mad? This time, heck yes! The OP has been more than gracious and accommodating and it's time to stand up and ask for respect. If she doesn't get it then these are not friends. Her husband taking work off, plus expenses etc --they have a right to be mad. And the text cancelation is cheap and shows how little the 'friend' cares about your time.
 
Last edited:
OP I get where you are coming from 100%. She texted (which was unusual for her) because she knew the new dog was a lame excuse. If her daughter had a medical issue or something else serious had come up, I believe she would have called you, which was normal for her. I think that because she knew it wasn’t a good excuse, she expected you to react negatively, hence the tears comment. Good for you for staying calm about it.

I have learned over the years to try not to sweat the small stuff. I don’t think I would end this friendship, but I certainly would NEVER make plans to travel with them again. They, obviously, cannot commit for a number of reasons. In that regard, I would be done.

She may ask you to travel again and when you decline, she may ask you why. I think you should tell her the truth and see what happens. My guess is that she may get mad at you. If she does that, then I would be done.

Enjoy the Memorial Day weekend whatever you decide to do!
 
Didn't get to read all the replies, but I'm having a hard time understanding the dog thing. As a responsible adult, acquiring a dog would not be an impulse decision for us. If we knew we had committed to others and had imminent travel plans, we would put off looking for a dog until we returned and had the time to dedicate it. I would be annoyed with the friend for this reason, and also because I don't really consider it "plenty of notice" - its 3 weeks away, so flights and resorts are booked or very expensive if you wanted to go to the beach instead, or something like that.

I have a friend who is like this. She means well when making plans, and I think she genuinely wants to do the things she sets up, but she's just unreliable and self-centered. She often cancels or re-schedules because sometimes she simply doesn't want to make the effort. I know this about her and make all my plans with her tentative, and don't confirm until the morning of. I no longer get upset if she cancels, because I expect this. I value her friendship enough to accept this about her, and I set my own expectations accordingly. I agree with PPs that its not something worth ending the friendship over, but I would not make anymore vacation plans with them. Or at the very least, make the plans at an arm's length so if/when they cancel, your own plans are not impacted.

To the bolded- you would be mad at a friend because she didn't do exactly what you would do in a certain situation?

We "acquired" our dog pretty much on a whim, and we are quite responsible adults. We talked about it, narrowed our breed choices and went to look. Well what do you know, we found the perfect dog for us. In that moment I wasn't thinking of the July 4th plans we had in a couple weeks, I was thinking about adding to our family, and yes that actually trumps Holiday weekend plans for a backyard BBQ and visit for us. Luckily the family and friends we were getting together with totally understood. I guess my point is that if you expect your friends to behave exactly the way you would then why would you be friends with people who didn't and then get mad at them for not being just like you?
 
You were giving and getting on that one. And well a mere picture of popcorn set you off on me. Here. Chill for awhile.



Swan+Chaise+Lounge.jpg

Not a picture of a plane?

Plane = Vacation Getaway = Chillaxing, right?
 
If I were the OP, I would be pissed off, especially since the OP said she declined a beach vacation that weekend in order to host this other person. I would even be inclined at this point to tell the friend why I was upset - that there is a pattern of cancellations, and they put other plans on hold in order to accommodate them. If the friendship dies, then it dies.
 
OP here: I'm not a woman that spends time on crying, and sobbing about ever... and I am super laid back... my motto in life is " Drama Free the Life for Me" so the line about "WOW I thought you would be in tears" is out of left field somewhere... and her texting is very strange as she hates to text and thinks that it is totally impersonal to text... and we normally talk on the phone...
I'm not saying sobbing or crying. Perhaps purely frustration or disappointment.

As for texting give her a call I suppose if it concerns you that she texted this time instead of calling if you think her words were out of character.
 
I would:

1) not make travel plans with them again
2) turn this into a fun trip with just DH
3) not be mad because I have learned that traveling with people outside DH and the kids kind of sucks
4) tell her you would love to go snuggle the dog when you get back and tell them all about the great trip you had.
 
To the bolded- you would be mad at a friend because she didn't do exactly what you would do in a certain situation?

We "acquired" our dog pretty much on a whim, and we are quite responsible adults. We talked about it, narrowed our breed choices and went to look. Well what do you know, we found the perfect dog for us. In that moment I wasn't thinking of the July 4th plans we had in a couple weeks, I was thinking about adding to our family, and yes that actually trumps Holiday weekend plans for a backyard BBQ and visit for us. Luckily the family and friends we were getting together with totally understood. I guess my point is that if you expect your friends to behave exactly the way you would then why would you be friends with people who didn't and then get mad at them for not being just like you?

It doesn't have anything to do with them being "just like me", but it has everything to do with holding someone accountable for the commitments they make. It wasn't them cancelling a dinner reservation - they had asked the OP to host them for a long weekend that involved preparation, clearing schedules, time off from work. Sometimes in life, when you commit to something, you need to just do it. Especially when it impacts other people who are relying on you.

With regard to the dog, you actively went to look. The OP's friend could have held off on looking for a dog until after they got back from out of town. I can understand the OP's friend not wanting to board a new dog or leave a new dog with family, so perhaps then the OP's friend should have considered the timing and looked for a dog when they returned instead.

Sorry if I missed it, but do we know if this is a scenario where the dog was given to them because someone couldn't care for it or something like that? The only way I'd find it acceptable is if they were presented with the opportunity because of an unforeseen circumstance.

Lastly, just to clarify, I wouldn't be as mad as the OP over this. I would no doubt find it annoying and be disappointed, but certainly wouldn't end friendships over it.
 
I would be mad. I wouldn't necessarily dump her as a friend, but I wouldn't go out of my way to contact her either. I wouldn't make any more vacation plans with them, and if she asks to, I would say no and tell her why. I don't need "friends" who flake on plans that were their idea to start with.
 
I would be mad. I wouldn't necessarily dump her as a friend, but I wouldn't go out of my way to contact her either. I wouldn't make any more vacation plans with them, and if she asks to, I would say no and tell her why. I don't need "friends" who flake on plans that were their idea to start with.

Well said
 
Two reasons I see for texting...one, she wanted to send the pic of the dog, and two, the fact that you are considering ending the friendship over this suggests that maybe you don't come across as laid-back as you think you are.

OP here... When I read this I did stop to really think about it, and I spoke to another friend which she is the most direct person I know... blunt, direct, to the point, no messing around kinda gal... She's that friend that will tell you like it is, when you really need it... She said that I'm to laid back for the most part, and that she thinks some people take it for weakness, or thinks I will just put up with whatever and not stand my ground and/or put up with non-sense and that I'm overly nice.. Which she laughed and said, your a typical southern lady...all confidence, sweetness, sugar and manners, and under it all is a tough, strong and basically a red neck girl who is a sharped tongue viper in disguise ... who will shredded you to piece's and then say " Well just Bless your Heart" ..... then I started laughing... - she said that's what she thought when she first met me...and for several years thought that I was the just the sweetest ... she said she was shocked when she saw me deal with someone who was thinking that I would not stand my ground and trying to bully me ... she said "I have never watched someone say the things you said in the sweetest tone of voice and your manners and body language was so relaxed and you never even broke a sweat", she told me it was sorta unnerving to watch, she was like I could see when the redneck girl switched on, it was all in your eyes, and that's kinda scary... you have that type of control... and she said laughing I don't ever want to be facing your redneck girl alter-ego... then I started laughing again...

She said when people realize that I'm not weak, or that I have no problem standing my ground, or I don't act the way or respond the way that they think that I should it throws them off... and they simply don't know how to react...

Now that I have had a couple days to think about things... I think she was hiding behind the texting... hoping that I would react to her cancelling, and when I didn't... all I said was
"okay" she sorta didn't know where to go then... I'm still not sure about the whole... "I thought you would be in tears" comment... Maybe she was trying to be cute, or DH thinks that they probably thought that I would offer for them to bring both dogs... They had planned to kennel the 1st dog, so why would they not kennel the new dog with the dog they already had... Which we are pet free at this time, and bring your pets to my house isn't something that I am signing up for... I'm pretty much over it now... and we have already made some plans for the holiday... so we are all good...

As far as our friendship with them...I still haven't heard from her since the text...
 
I wouldn't be mad. It takes time to settle a new dog and you can't always choose when you get them so I think it understandable they don't want to travel just after.

I assume the text was to show you the dog. Sounds like they are really excited about the dog.
 
I would have been mad too!

If any of these were the only cancellation, two of them wouldn't have bothered me - the DD's medical issue or the dog. (I wouldn't want to leave a new pet alone three weeks after I got them, either. - Of course, that also means I wouldn't go looking for one when I already had a trip planned! But I get that sometimes new pets just kind of fall into your lap.) The "DH's bad mood" one, however, would have been ridiculous to me even if it was the only one...and frankly, I'm suspicious that the DH is a very reluctant participant in any of this travel to begin with!

It's the pattern of cancellation (and the drama surrounding it on the friend's end) that bother me. If this is three cancellations out of 50 trips, it's not a pattern (and I'm back to two OK and one not OK) but if it's three times out of three or four, they are definitely unreliable, and I would not be making long-range plans with them anymore, whether we stayed friendly or not. I have a family member who is the same way. - After much experience, I simply consider any plans with her to be tentative. It doesn't mean she isn't welcome when she does show up, just that I make sure things will work either with or without her.

As for whether to stay friends, she sounds like a drama queen to me (expecting you not to go to NYC without her, and to be in tears that she cancelled this visit) and drama queen is not my "friend type"...but I really don't know her, or what you get out of the friendship, so I don't feel right advising you to dump her completely. I would be cautious about future plans, though.
 

GET A DISNEY VACATION QUOTE

Dreams Unlimited Travel is committed to providing you with the very best vacation planning experience possible. Our Vacation Planners are experts and will share their honest advice to help you have a magical vacation.

Let us help you with your next Disney Vacation!





Top