WWYD - Dance Mom Drama

StitchesGr8Fan

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jul 17, 2009
Here is the background:
My DD is on a developmental dance team, and has gotten close to one of the girls on the team. I’ve gotten to be friends with this dancer’s mom, as well as all the other moms of girls in the group, so people tell me things.

This other dancer has a younger sibling that is out of control. She has been like this for the 3 years I’ve known this family. They make her come to the studio for all of her sister’s classes. She runs around the viewing area screaming, bumping in to people, being mean to other kids. The parents do nothing. The mom has admitted they are frustrated with her behavior, but they don’t do anything to discipline her in public. They just bring a tablet which doesn’t keep her entertained for long. The dad is oblivious as the mom is dealing with all of her kids.

Multiple parents have complained about this child to the studio manager (not the owner). I know because they told me they’ve complained. The studio manager has put up signs about behavior and has advised the front desk staff to say something when any kid is acting up. It hasn’t done anything to make the situation better. Some of the parents are actually choosing classes for next year based on when this sibling won’t be in the building.

Another layer of complexity - this family’s business is a major sponsor of the studio. The people who have put 2 and 2 together think that this is why the child is allowed to act this way.

I have said nothing to the other mom about the complaints because the studio owner doesn’t like drama. She is a sweet woman and is overwhelmed with all her kids and having to deal with this one with extreme behavior issues. This child wants to be in the developmental group for younger kids next year but her behavior might keep her out of it.

Here is my WWYD - Should I say something to mom? I think it would be heartbreaking for her to get a letter (which is what the manager is considering) about this kid’s behavior. There is also time to turn things around so that this child could still be accepted in to the developmental program. I feel like it might blindside her that people have complained and it would be better to hear from a friend that the issue is being escalated rather than from the studio.

I’m leaning toward just staying silent. But I keep thinking if I was in her shoes I would want someone to tell me.
 
The mom already knows that the behavior is a problem. She can't be totally blindsided. Yes, it might be upsetting, but she will have to face reality at some point.

Personally, I would rather get a letter from the studio than hear from a friend about all the gossiping about my child and my parenting that has occurred.
 
Gosh, that's a tough situation. I would also probably not say anything. It currently sounds like you're peripheral to the drama (you see it, but you haven't complained to the studio yourself, nor are you planning to pull your daughter out of classes to avoid this girl, right?) If you say something, you'll be inserting yourself right into the middle of the drama.

My daughter was a competitive dancer for 5 years. My experience with our studio owner was that she liked to say "no drama allowed" but what she really meant was "I don't want to deal with drama." The studio owner's daughter and her best friend were the two biggest drama-causing girls, and they did it right in class where the studio owner was the teacher (and outside of class too.) She HAD to see it happening. When a few people complained (not me), the studio owner called a meeting to 'remind everyone' that there was to be no drama, but then went right back to ignoring the drama in class. It's much easier to say "I don't tolerate drama" than to deal with it.

And the other girl's mom would stand in the parent area and say things like "Well, if it was MY daughter causing drama, I'd certainly want to know." But honestly, she didn't. She could have seen it for herself if she'd cared to. And if anyone had said "Well, actually..." to her, I can almost guarantee the respondent would have been accused of creating the drama. (That's how it was in class... if the picked-on girl responded, then she was accused of creating drama, but the ones who "started it" were not. It only became drama when there was a response.) Girls started to leave the studio or drop out of dance. We weren't one of the first, but we did eventually leave. I miss watching DD dance, but I do *not* miss all the non-drama of that scene.
 
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I would absolutely say something. I don't necessarily care if the family is a sponsor of the studio, not my problem. You don't have to be confrontational or rude about it, but I would speak up for sure. If you sit and say nothing, then don't expect anything to change.
 
Mind your business. The only behavior issues at our studio were the teachers’ daughter’s. Things got better after they quit.
 


The mom already knows that the behavior is a problem. She can't be totally blindsided. Yes, it might be upsetting, but she will have to face reality at some point.

Personally, I would rather get a letter from the studio than hear from a friend about all the gossiping about my child and my parenting that has occurred.

I agree. If you or your DD were negatively impacted by the behavior, it might be okay to say something, but I firmly believe that the best way to address the behavior is to be interacting with management. They are entrusted with the wellbeing of all of their students, and if one child is disrupting the classes it needs to stop. I went through this when my son was young and was on a bowling team. One kid whose parents though he was the next pro bowler allowed him to behave in a outrageous manner, and the management ignored it.....until it was brought to their attention that people had choices where they chose to engage their children in extracurricular activities. They were given an ultimatum: deal with this and keep your students, or keep him and lose the rest of us. Most of us did not want to pay for a circus.
 
I wouldn't say anything to her. You could add to the list of complainers to management, if you felt so inclined.

The owner/manager of the school is responsible for setting and enforcing the rules. It might not be her favorite part of her job, but it's still something she needs to deal with. If she doesn't, people will vote with their feet and their wallets.

I'm glad my kids are old enough for dance to be a drop-off activity. Other people's out of control kids make me crazy. I've been a "backstage dance mom" for 20 years now--I hide out in the wardrobe room. Kids aren't allowed to hang out in there, unless their parent is in there. And we can kick people out if they misbehave.
 
Short answer: I wouldn't say anything to Mom. You stepping in won't end well for you. Let the studio handle it, it's their problem.

If they won't handle it (and to me that is telling the parent the child can't come to the studio) then I would be looking for a new studio. Allowing that behavior impacts everyone; teachers, students .... I can't even imagine if she is allowed to compete and go to competitions.
 
Here is the background:
My DD is on a developmental dance team, and has gotten close to one of the girls on the team. I’ve gotten to be friends with this dancer’s mom, as well as all the other moms of girls in the group, so people tell me things.

This other dancer has a younger sibling that is out of control. She has been like this for the 3 years I’ve known this family. They make her come to the studio for all of her sister’s classes. She runs around the viewing area screaming, bumping in to people, being mean to other kids. The parents do nothing. The mom has admitted they are frustrated with her behavior, but they don’t do anything to discipline her in public. They just bring a tablet which doesn’t keep her entertained for long. The dad is oblivious as the mom is dealing with all of her kids.

Multiple parents have complained about this child to the studio manager (not the owner). I know because they told me they’ve complained. The studio manager has put up signs about behavior and has advised the front desk staff to say something when any kid is acting up. It hasn’t done anything to make the situation better. Some of the parents are actually choosing classes for next year based on when this sibling won’t be in the building.

Another layer of complexity - this family’s business is a major sponsor of the studio. The people who have put 2 and 2 together think that this is why the child is allowed to act this way.

I have said nothing to the other mom about the complaints because the studio owner doesn’t like drama. She is a sweet woman and is overwhelmed with all her kids and having to deal with this one with extreme behavior issues. This child wants to be in the developmental group for younger kids next year but her behavior might keep her out of it.

Here is my WWYD - Should I say something to mom? I think it would be heartbreaking for her to get a letter (which is what the manager is considering) about this kid’s behavior. There is also time to turn things around so that this child could still be accepted in to the developmental program. I feel like it might blindside her that people have complained and it would be better to hear from a friend that the issue is being escalated rather than from the studio.

I’m leaning toward just staying silent. But I keep thinking if I was in her shoes I would want someone to tell me.
I think you'd be doing yourself a favor by staying out of this one. Your involvement will probably not work out in a positive way in the long run.
 
I would stay out of it. I can't help wondering if the younger sibling is acting out because she's jealous of sitting on the sidelines while older sis is doing her thing. If the younger sib is enrolled next year, it will give her something to do, but it should be with the stipulation that if she creates problems for the other dancers in her class, that she won't be allowed in the class.
 
While I am one to finally speak up IF it might be helpful.
No, I wouldn't say anything.
The fact that you mentioned 'major sponsor' says it all.
Can't really fight that.
It will be a "If you don't like the message, then hate the messenger" situation. For sure.

If this child with the bahavioral/developmental issues is supposed to be out on the floor with other young girls/kids next year, then that might be the factor that makes it not only possible, but probable, that the problem is addressed.

When the dance instructors HAVE to deal with the issue, and when parents are actually pulling their kids out of that class, and that studio.
Then natural consequences might begin to take effect.
 
I wouldn't say anything. My husband would most definitely want to say something. I constantly have to tell him to stay in his own lane.
 
It has impacted me in the past. It used to drive me crazy. Now I take a different approach and try to distract the child by talking to her and telling her to stop when she is acting up. And yes, I do this with the parents right there and they don’t care. The mom thanks me.

But they don’t seem to think there is any reason to try and change her behavior because there have been no negative consequences from it. The dad is so oblivious and he needs a kick in the rear to start watching his kid. And the mom needs to get tougher. But there may be consequences if the studio decides to address this family directly, or if the older or younger child aren’t allowed in to the programs they want to be in. And the older daughter has talent coming out her ears. It would be a shame if she gets punished because of her siblings behavior.

I will continue to keep my mouth shut, but it is hard.
 
I wouldn't say a word.
Maybe her seeing it in print will get her to do something about it.
I have no patience for parents that let their children act like wild animals in public and I wouldn't feel bad for her at all.
This is her fault, she brought this on by not parenting her kid.
 
I wouldn't say a word.
Maybe her seeing it in print will get her to do something about it.
I have no patience for parents that let their children act like wild animals in public and I wouldn't feel bad for her at all.
This is her fault, she brought this on by not parenting her kid.

I know, I know. It’s good to get reinforcement from others though. I’m one of those super empathetic people that feels it physically when I see someone struggling, being hurt, embarrassed, etc. so I’m always trying to keep that from happening to people.
 
I know, I know. It’s good to get reinforcement from others though. I’m one of those super empathetic people that feels it physically when I see someone struggling, being hurt, embarrassed, etc. so I’m always trying to keep that from happening to people.

If this was a once in awhile thing, or if she was truly trying to get her child to behave I would have different advice, and would feel bad for her.
From what you said she totally ignores it and knows it's a problem.
I was friends with a woman like that, but I couldn't maintain the friendship because I never spoke up and just couldn't take being around her child anymore. Sometimes parents like that need a real swift kick to wake them up. A formal complaint may be that kick for her.
 
I just thank God I have boys ;) :p

Seriously, I'm non-confrontational by nature, so I personally would likely not say anything and suffer in silence.
 

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