WWYD - Dance Mom Drama

[Praying Colonel]

Here is my WWYD - Should I say something to mom?

Not only no, but heck no. The only person who has authority here--the studio owner--won't do anything. You cannot help the situation. If Mom is so oblivious to her daughter's disturbances then you saying something won't help.

WWID? I'd probably do what the other parents are doing and schedule classes around this family's schedule.

 

[OneOftheB's]

If you wish to remain friends with this mom, stay out of it. If you want your daughter to remain friend with the other girl, stay out of it.

The passive aggressive side of me might consider dropping a parenting book in the mail to her (making certain there is no way for her to trace it back to you).

 

[mjkacmom]

His old are the dancers? The problem child? How many hours a week? Are both the mom and dad there? Can you just drop off your daughter? I’ve known of many parents who choose to read a book in their vehicles instead of the waiting room. At our studio, parents weren’t allowed to watch anyway.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It can be hard! You really have to bite your tongue, sometimes.
I have told this story before... Years ago, my son was in a group/program.
There was one younger boy that was this type of problem. BAD.
Mother (who was involved with management of the program) never saw anything. Isn't that how it always works.

I did not say anything for a couple years... exactly like you.
Tried to address it from the sidelines, when I could. Keeping my son separated as much as possible, etc.
When I did finally find it necessary to become involved - This kid had actually physically jumped my son from behind, (absolutely no reason or provocation) taking him down to the concrete floor, and was giving him very forceful 'noogies'. I simply speed-walked (marched) over there from where I have been observing from a distance, and said very very sternly "GET OFF HIM...'

Of course, THEN, yes, everybody was seeing/watching.

Yes, you guessed it. Even when this kid physically jumped my son, 'I' was the bad guy.
'Hate the messenger' will apply 99% of the time. Unfortunately.
Especially when somebody else's kid in involved.

 

[smiths02]

Okay, this is totally off topic, but why does the younger sibling need to be there hanging around?
I have 3 kids with activities at different times. Yes, sometimes I have to drag them all along, but I will often drop one off and go do something else (or I actually hang out with the young ones). Do parents have to watch every single class in its entirety?
I guess I'm a bad mom, but seriously, if I watched every class with rapt attention, I would be spending 4 hours week just watching practices (this does not count recitals, belt tests, tournaments, etc.), which is probably minimal since my kids are young. I work outside the home and have 3 kids. How are people doing this?

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Okay, this is totally off topic, but why does the younger sibling need to be there hanging around?
I have 3 kids with activities at different times. Yes, sometimes I have to drag them all along, but I will often drop one off and go do something else (or I actually hang out with the young ones). Do parents have to watch every single class in its entirety?
I guess I'm a bad mom, but seriously, if I watched every class with rapt attention, I would be spending 4 hours week just watching practices (this does not count recitals, belt tests, tournaments, etc.), which is probably minimal since my kids are young. I work outside the home and have 3 kids. How are people doing this?

That is the question no one has the answer to. I think I know the answer, but I will keep that to myself. (No, it is nothing sinister). But I keep my toddler far away from the studio because he has the attention span of a flea and I don’t want him to be disruptive. When he is there I have snacks, toys, and a tablet with headphones to keep him occupied and he does not leave my slide. But he’s been there a grand total of 6 hours over the past 6 months. These kids are there every class, multiple days a week.

 

[arminnie]

The only thing that is going to work is if a significant number of the parents give the owner a polite ultimatum. Fix the problem or we are gone.

 

[leebee]

If anything, I'd bring it up but only in the context of the developmental dance program. It seems the mom knows the younger kid has behavior issues, so if it comes up at all, I might "wonder" if she's interested in the DD program and if her behavior might be an issue- just touching on the topic, to plant the seed in mom's head that maybe behavior needs to improve if the child's going to get into the program. Truth be told, though, if the parents are big studio sponsors and their kid wants "in" to the DD program, she'll probably get in. Unfortunately, money talks.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Okay, this is totally off topic, but why does the younger sibling need to be there hanging around?
I have 3 kids with activities at different times. Yes, sometimes I have to drag them all along, but I will often drop one off and go do something else (or I actually hang out with the young ones). Do parents have to watch every single class in its entirety?
I guess I'm a bad mom, but seriously, if I watched every class with rapt attention, I would be spending 4 hours week just watching practices (this does not count recitals, belt tests, tournaments, etc.), which is probably minimal since my kids are young. I work outside the home and have 3 kids. How are people doing this?

I'm kind of wondering this, too.I know I stuck around when my kids were ~5yo or less, or if it was a short class (for little ones, especially, 30-45 minutes is typical). Once my kids were older and taking a few classes back-to-back, I'd return to pick them up. Why make everyone sit there for a couple hours? When they're little, they might need bathroom help or shoes tied. And while I enjoy seeing my kids' performances, I'd rather poke my own eye out than watch them learning every 8-count, practicing over and over. Of course, I may just be a slacker mom in that regard.

 

[cabanafrau]

And while I enjoy seeing my kids' performances, I'd rather poke my own eye out than watch them learning every 8-count, practicing over and over. Of course, I may just be a slacker mom in that regard.

Who you callin' a slacker mom? LOL!

 

[SharonZ]

I agree with the others, and not say anything. JMO - the father should skip the practices and stay with the out of control sibling.

 

[BLAZEY]

His old are the dancers? The problem child? How many hours a week? Are both the mom and dad there? Can you just drop off your daughter? I’ve known of many parents who choose to read a book in their vehicles instead of the waiting room. At our studio, parents weren’t allowed to watch anyway.

Same, with the exception of a few "parent viewing days" we aren't allowed to watch the classes. The poor child is probably bored of being dragged to Big sister's activities and just having to sit, while big sis gets to have all the fun.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Same, with the exception of a few "parent viewing days" we aren't allowed to watch the classes. The poor child is probably bored of being dragged to Big sister's activities and just having to sit, while big sis gets to have all the fun.

She’s not bored. She’s like this all the time unless she is the center of someone’s attention. I’ve been to their house and she must be interacting with someone at all times or else she is acting out. And she can be MEAN. From what I know of cognitive and mental health conditions, I don’t see any signs of anything other than lack of discipline, but I wouldn’t rule it out since I’m not a professional.

 

[leebee]

The parent/younger child might be staying at the studio because of logistics. If it's a 30-40 minute drive to dance, it's not worth the gas or hassle of going home and coming back if the older daughter is only dancing for a couple of hours. If the older is taking classes for 2 hours and it's a 30 min drive, the mom would drive for 30 mins, drop off dancer, drive home for 20 mins, stay for an hour, then get back in the car for another 60 min round trip drive. Not worth it, just stay at the studio!

 

[BLAZEY]

The parent/younger child might be staying at the studio because of logistics. If it's a 30-40 minute drive to dance, it's not worth the gas or hassle of going home and coming back if the older daughter is only dancing for a couple of hours. If the older is taking classes for 2 hours and it's a 30 min drive, the mom would drive for 30 mins, drop off dancer, drive home for 20 mins, stay for an hour, then get back in the car for another 60 min round trip drive. Not worth it, just stay at the studio!

But she doesn't have to stay at the studio, go for a walk, the library or park if nearby.

 

[mjkacmom]

But she doesn't have to stay at the studio, go for a walk, the library or park if nearby.

My neighbor had her kids in several activities more than 1/2 hour away several nights a week. She’d always find errands to do, like grocery shopping. We always carpooled, so no need to stay.

 

[scrapquitler]

Here is the background:
My DD is on a developmental dance team, and has gotten close to one of the girls on the team. I’ve gotten to be friends with this dancer’s mom, as well as all the other moms of girls in the group, so people tell me things.

This other dancer has a younger sibling that is out of control. She has been like this for the 3 years I’ve known this family. They make her come to the studio for all of her sister’s classes. She runs around the viewing area screaming, bumping in to people, being mean to other kids. The parents do nothing. The mom has admitted they are frustrated with her behavior, but they don’t do anything to discipline her in public. They just bring a tablet which doesn’t keep her entertained for long. The dad is oblivious as the mom is dealing with all of her kids.

Multiple parents have complained about this child to the studio manager (not the owner). I know because they told me they’ve complained. The studio manager has put up signs about behavior and has advised the front desk staff to say something when any kid is acting up. It hasn’t done anything to make the situation better. Some of the parents are actually choosing classes for next year based on when this sibling won’t be in the building.

Another layer of complexity - this family’s business is a major sponsor of the studio. The people who have put 2 and 2 together think that this is why the child is allowed to act this way.

I have said nothing to the other mom about the complaints because the studio owner doesn’t like drama. She is a sweet woman and is overwhelmed with all her kids and having to deal with this one with extreme behavior issues. This child wants to be in the developmental group for younger kids next year but her behavior might keep her out of it.

Here is my WWYD - Should I say something to mom? I think it would be heartbreaking for her to get a letter (which is what the manager is considering) about this kid’s behavior. There is also time to turn things around so that this child could still be accepted in to the developmental program. I feel like it might blindside her that people have complained and it would be better to hear from a friend that the issue is being escalated rather than from the studio.

I’m leaning toward just staying silent. But I keep thinking if I was in her shoes I would want someone to tell me.

To quote Thurl Ravenscroft "I wouldn't touch that with a 99 and half foot pole".

I'd shut my mouth and never say a word to anyone.

The studio director SHOULD be talking to Mom privately about this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And, that could be happening, now or in the near future.
I wouldn't rule that out at this point.

About the 'families' at every child's activities/events.
I will not automatically judge.... I have sat at many of my child's activities due to some logistics, etc...
There are only so many minutes and so much energy available during a day.

But, yes, there are those 'families' who are all leashed together by umbilical cords.
There are helicopter parents who can not be out of eye-shot.
Just because I was often there during my son's activities, doesn't mean one should assume that I am one of those.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Unlike most here, I would say something. Purposely bumping into others? Being mean to others? For three years? While a bunch of adults sit by and watch? I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I respect myself too much to allow that behavior in a space I am paying to occupy.

And I would also distance myself from the mother. I have zero respect for any parent that can sit by and watch their child touch others and be mean to others.

THREE YEARS!?!??

 

[Wishing on a star]

But, it can be more complex than that.
When this child's mother is friends and financial supporter of the owner's studio, when the other two daughters are friends, and when the two women are somewhat-friends, then there is a lot on the line.

The OP does need to decide how much she values these other things.
The OP does need to ask herself, why and how have I continued to enable this for so long.
Only after some deep soul-searching should she decide to say something. Because, if she is the one to finally actually say something, she WILL be the one that loses out.

I would hope that finally, dance instructors, other parents, etc. would be stepping up.

Personally, I don't think I would value any friendship with this other mother.
But, the other factors affect the OP's daughter.
It is a tough decision.