WWYD - Friend's Husband w/Alzheimer's and Driving **update post 30**

[MIGrandma]

I'm just wondering what people here would do in this situation. I've had a best friend for over 45 years and her husband has Alzheimer's and he's getting worse all the time of course. She no longer leaves him at home by himself for an overnight, but will still leave him home alone in the afternoons for a few hours if she meets a friend for lunch, or goes grocery shopping, etc. He basically just wants to watch TV and so far (I repeat, so far) hasn't wandered away or anything but my question is: Would you say something to her about her letting him drive still?

When they go anywhere together she does the driving, but a few months ago they traded in their 5th wheel camper for a truck camper. She wanted something that SHE could drive as he was having problems with their 5th wheel (backing it into things, not remembering how to hook things up after it was parked, etc.) but now she has discovered that she likes having their car with them along with the truck camper. So when they go camping HE drives the truck/camper and SHE drives their car. She likes having the car so they don't have to unhook the truck camper after it's parked and they want to go to a store, etc.

So, SHE leads the way with the car and HE follows her with the truck/camper. They are planning a 2-week trip to camp at Sault Ste. Marie in August, which is a 4-hour drive on the freeway.

Personally, I don't think she should let him drive AT ALL anymore. And especially not by himself. But she hasn't asked my opinion on the matter so I haven't said anything, even though part of me feels I should.

A little background - I know she resents having to do so much for him now. He forgets everything, she has to remind him to do things all the time, even has to give him his medications, etc. as he won't remember. He had an affair many years ago and she's never forgiven him for it. She constantly talks about wishing she was on her own, hates having to deal with his problems, etc. etc. She feels they are more like roommates rather than husband and wife. I don't think she would even care if he got into an accident while driving and died.

I worry he could get into an accident and another car (s) could be involved and others could die. She doesn't seem at all concerned. So, I keep quiet, but I just wonder if I should give her my opinion anyway, or continue to keep quiet.

What would you do?

My Dad had Alzheimer's too, and at a certain point my Mom told him it was no longer safe for him to drive. He willingly agreed, and he never drove again. I just don't think anyone who can't even remember to properly take care of their false teeth should be driving anymore.

 

[Magpie]

I'd tell my friend my opinion, straight up. I would not keep quiet - if our friendship can't survive her hearing my honest opinion about this, then it's not much of a friendship. Beyond that, though, I don't think there's much you can do, as you aren't a family member and aren't in a caregiving role.

(Knowing me, I'd have said something the first time I heard these plans, whether my opinion was asked for or not.)

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

When my MIL got Alzheimer's her doctor told my FIL that she can no longer drive. They realized she had Alzheimer's when she drove to the mall, couldn't remember how to get home afterwards and couldn't remember how to use her cell phone. Lucky for them, a mall employee helped her contact my FIL so she could get home.
My Grandfather had it as well - he was told by his doctor he could no longer drive so my Uncle took the car keys with him and wouldn't let him have them anymore.

Her husband should not be driving and I'm honestly surprised his doctor hasn't said anything. Or maybe the Doctor has and she is ignoring the Doctor.
Either way, I would mention something to her that you are surprised he is allowed to drive because he would be endangering other peoples lives. And then be prepared for her to be mad at you for saying something if you are comfortable with that. I know I would be based on my families experiences
That's about all you can do.

 

[Hikergirl]

I would bring it up, but if she isn't concerned and he doesn't think he should stop I wouldn't expect it to matter.
I have no respect for people like your friends, they are selfish human beings and one day their selfishness may result in the death of an innocent person.

 

[Lynne M]

" I just don't think anyone who can't even remember to properly take care of their false teeth should be driving anymore." - words to live by. Seriously, that's not a bad rule of thumb for when it's time to take the keys away.

I think what your friend really needs is caregiving help. Loved ones of people with dementia so often try to take care of things themselves, or within the family, and don't take advantage of outside help. You could start there - "Have you looked into getting someone to stay with him while you get out for awhile?" Presumably he has a doctor who's monitoring his Alzheimer's, and he/she could put your friend in touch with all kinds of resources. You'd be surprised what medicare will pay for, and what's available at no charge from state and local governments.

As part of that conversation, you could bring up the topic of driving casually, as in "Surely John won't be driving much longer, have you thought about what you're going to do when he reaches that point?" I mean, I'm sure she knows on some level that he shouldn't be driving, but sometimes people get so overwhelmed in the day-to-day of caregiving that they don't think of the obvious.

 

[amberpi]

As a PP mentioned, I'm surprised the doctor hasn't put a medical revocation on his license. I had a medical suspension on my license after my brain injury. I think that may be very state to state dependent though? I'm not that up on that stuff, but I know it can happen...BTW, insurance will cover some other means of transportation when this occurs (or can depending on your plan I guess).

 

[Jennabeth]

Oh my, this sounds exactly like my parents. The doctors told my mom (repeatedly) that Dad should not be driving and she ignored them. What finally happened was one of my sisters filled out this form https://www.michigan.gov/documents/OC-88_16727_7.PDF and my mom received (by mail) a notification that dad needed to take a driving test. It's better if the doctor's office submits it, but I'm pretty sure we just did it without them. Dad went to the Secretary of State and couldn't even finish the written test so he never even had a road test. Boy was he mad, but they let him keep his actual license which helped. They clipped the corner so it's no longer valid.

Good luck, this is so hard and your feelings about your friend and her relationship sound so much like what we've thought about my parents. We wondered if maybe mom wanted something to happen while he was driving. It's awful when you have these feelings but it's hard not too when they don't seem concerned about their spouses safety.

What finally got through to her was the idea that one of her grandchildren could be killed by someone who wasn't supposed to be driving. We asked how that would make her feel?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You might be able to find some resources for your friend here:

www.alzheimers.org

There are a lot of issues in your post. There will be a lot of opinions and experiences shared so I'll just leave it at this.

As you know, going through something like this with a loved one is a process. It's probably up there with one of life's most stressful events, ie having a spouse develop Alzheimer's. In many cases it could be worse than a death. Even though many of us have had loved ones with the same, or worked with people with dementia or whatever, not too many of us have experienced it from the perspective of a spouse. It is a very hard situation without any easy, fast fixes.

If it were my friend I would encourage her to get involved with a gerentology group at my nearest/best teaching hospital where they will have access to services and a bunch of health professionals that can help them navigate this difficult course they're on. I would get the information for them and even offer to drive and accompany them to the first appointment if they wanted me to, for support. This is where they need to be. Good luck.

 

[aprilgail]

my friend turned her husband into DMV- she sent in a form, had her son send in a form and then gave his Dr a form to fill out and send in- they sent him a letter saying he had to appear and take a road test- when he got there they didn't even have him take the road test, just took his license away.

 

[aprilchem]

I would say talk to her, but it may not make much of a difference. When my father got sick he drove MUCH longer than he should have, and nothing we said would convince him or my mom to make him stop driving.

 

[cabanafrau]

Print the form linked above, fill it out and turn it in. Within your comments mention you would like your name to remain confidential. It is highly unlikely your friend or her husband will mount the type of legal challenge that would potentially result in your identity being uncovered.

 

[mjkacmom]

It took us a bit to convince my mom that my dad shouldn't be driving. It was hard for her to accept, because his errand running was the only time he left the house. I stopped letting him drive my kids anywhere a couple of years earlier. We had his doctor tell him no more driving. He got mad, said he was going to drive off of a cliff, we told him he was not going to do that, because he was no longer allowed to drive.

We told my mom that if he ended up in an accident, it was her fault, and he could kill someone.

 

[Mizzoufan]

I'm just wondering what people here would do in this situation. I've had a best friend for over 45 years and her husband has Alzheimer's and he's getting worse all the time of course. She no longer leaves him at home by himself for an overnight, but will still leave him home alone in the afternoons for a few hours if she meets a friend for lunch, or goes grocery shopping, etc. He basically just wants to watch TV and so far (I repeat, so far) hasn't wandered away or anything but my question is: Would you say something to her about her letting him drive still?

When they go anywhere together she does the driving, but a few months ago they traded in their 5th wheel camper for a truck camper. She wanted something that SHE could drive as he was having problems with their 5th wheel (backing it into things, not remembering how to hook things up after it was parked, etc.) but now she has discovered that she likes having their car with them along with the truck camper. So when they go camping HE drives the truck/camper and SHE drives their car. She likes having the car so they don't have to unhook the truck camper after it's parked and they want to go to a store, etc.

So, SHE leads the way with the car and HE follows her with the truck/camper. They are planning a 2-week trip to camp at Sault Ste. Marie in August, which is a 4-hour drive on the freeway.

Personally, I don't think she should let him drive AT ALL anymore. And especially not by himself. But she hasn't asked my opinion on the matter so I haven't said anything, even though part of me feels I should.

A little background - I know she resents having to do so much for him now. He forgets everything, she has to remind him to do things all the time, even has to give him his medications, etc. as he won't remember. He had an affair many years ago and she's never forgiven him for it. She constantly talks about wishing she was on her own, hates having to deal with his problems, etc. etc. She feels they are more like roommates rather than husband and wife. I don't think she would even care if he got into an accident while driving and died.

I worry he could get into an accident and another car (s) could be involved and others could die. She doesn't seem at all concerned. So, I keep quiet, but I just wonder if I should give her my opinion anyway, or continue to keep quiet.

What would you do?

My Dad had Alzheimer's too, and at a certain point my Mom told him it was no longer safe for him to drive. He willingly agreed, and he never drove again. I just don't think anyone who can't even remember to properly take care of their false teeth should be driving anymore.

I would say something there are innocent people on the road. She might not care if he kill himself driving does she care about the innocent people he might take out. Do they have kids I might try to contact them. They might not know he's driving.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I would say something there are innocent people on the road. She might not care if he kill himself driving does she care about the innocent people he might take out. Do they have kids I might try to contact them. They might not know he's driving.

This is the thing that got my mother to stop driving. She doesn't have dementia, but she was getting older and her lower-body mobility was declining, making it a concern, even, for being able to operate the gas and brake pedals properly. Her car had returned home a few times with dents and/or scratches, yet it was never her fault. I was honestly shocked when she one day just said she was done driving. Maybe it was because she still had good reasoning that she understood the potential dangers after we discussed the possible harm to others on several occasions.

 

[Suger Mag]

Whew, good luck. Be prepared for a long haul. Some folks will never accept what everyone else can see clearly. My mother was reported for a medical evaluation and subsequent driver's test... she failed three driving tests and lost her license. Two years later she is still fighting to get it back, claims it is all ageism. Just when I thought it was all finished, she won an appeal from the state for yet another driver's road test... sigh.

 

[DisneyMim]

I agree with super mag. This is a very hard issue. I was very lucky that my mom gave up driving on her own when she sensed her eyesight was failing, but some people just don't want to accept the fact that they shouldn't drive any longer. To me it sounds like your friend should not drive. I think you are a good friend to worry about this. You might be in for a negative reaction but I would bring it up. It is super dangerous for him to be on the road. Alzimers is a tricky thing. One minute you are okay and then wham you're not. I agree with all the people who say they should talk to his doctor. Good luck.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

You're right. This man should not be driving at all, especially long distances with a camper. I know it's hard for older people to give up their independence, but it's really for their own good (and the good of others). My dad is 91 and hasn't driven in a couple of years. His mind is completely intact. He's as sharp as ever. But he's been diagnosed with neuropathy. The way the neurologist explained it is that his brain knows exactly what needs to be done. It sends a signal to the body to do it (like step on the brake, turn the wheel, etc.), but the signal can get scrambled somewhere in between. It started when he was walking forward and fell for no apparent reason. Most likely, his brain told his foot to step forward and land flat. But instead, his foot went sideways and he fell and hit his head on a filing cabinet. Luckily no permanent damage was done, but this spurred a full neuro exam to figure out why he fell. My dad is a retired police officer. His impulse, to this day, is to walk fast, get to where he's going, and act quickly. We have to remind him to get up slowly, find his balance, walk slowly, lean on something if he feels dizzy, basically slow the heck down! This is hard for a guy like him. Basically his mind now moves faster than his body. He thinks he could drive, but he knows it's not a good idea to try, so he doesn't.

 

[SharonZ]

I think you all have good suggestions about her husband not driving, and he shouldn't be. The problem is you're not trying to convince the husband that he can't drive, you are trying to convince his wife that he shouldn't be driving - and that's totally different.

 

[Sadie22]

Someone with the diagnosis may no longer be capable of making such decisions depending on the advancement of the disease. That is why the caretaker must be convinced first.

 

[arminnie]

Do not waste your time trying to convince either of them. Go directly to DMV and let them handle it. Someone with dementia may not have the capacity to process the issue. Someone who is just in denial like the wife may not either.

I have neuropathy in my left leg. It's not severe - but I will no longer drive a standard transmission car just in case it could be a problem. If this were my right leg I would give up driving even though I can still walk around, etc. - but I am still capable of making logical decisions. I hope if I get to the point where I cannot make good decisions someone will make them for me.