WWYD -- why are families so stressful?? (long, sorry)

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

My mom passed away last week. We had the funeral this past weekend, out of town (in my hometown). My childhood friend who lives out of state donated a $75 gift certificate to a local pizzeria to my family, to help us with the stress of feeding everyone during the weekend. When I mentioned this to my brothers, they seemed greatly uninterested (and neither one of them could even remember my friend, since they're quite a bit older than I am, and one even mentioned that it seemed like a weird "gift").

We didn't end up using the gift certificate. We were there for two nights; on the first night, my aunt & uncle took us out to dinner, and on the second, we all went to an Irish pub for dinner, in honor of my mom.

We came home yesterday, and I called my friend to tell her that we ended up not using the gift certificate, and that I felt terrible about it. She said that she wasn't bothered at all, and had just wanted to make sure we were covered if we needed the meal, and that she would call the pizzeria manager and take care of it today. Since this pizzeria is not a chain, my older brother and I could not use the gc in our current towns. However, my oldest brother still lives in my hometown. And this is where the fun starts.

My oldest brother emailed my other brother and me today, saying that the pizzeria manager called him and reminded him about the gift certificate (small town, they're old friends). And NOW, my oldest brother wants it (he writes, "I don't mind telling you that I could use it"). Of course he does!! He wants to use it to get pizza for himself and his trashy garage band (a bunch of wannabes in their 50s and 60s who smoke an drink their lives away while convincing themselves that they could have been famous). He does not have a family. He has a job. He has more money than I do (a single mom with two daughters and college loans!).

This gc was given to our FAMILY by MY friend to help with food during the FUNERAL WEEKEND.

I emailed my brother back and told him that I'd already contacted my friend and that she is going to cancel the gc, but just hasn't done it yet. He emailed back and told me I was selfish, and so was my friend. The other brother, typical middle child, trying to keep the peace, wants me to relent and let him use it.

Should I really contact my friend? And if so, what the heck do I say? "Oh, don't bother canceling that gift certificate, my brother wants to use your thoughtful gift to feed his garage band."

1. The pizzas are not really a gift in the classic sense. And because you're in your parents town and not your town, people aren't going to bring you dishes of food like they would normally. So I think the pizza was a good idea despite it not being used.
2. though you're not obligated to get it back for your friend, it's something that I would do.
3. I don't think the brother should suddenly decide they want it now for something else and call you selfish for trying to get your friend their money back. That's is out of line.
4. The pizza places transaction is between your friend, and you (who I assume was the name on the gift certificate? ) As such he should not have called your brother. But if it's a town where everyone knows everyone, I can see why he might.
5. As for the middle brother, well he has told you what he thinks will keep the peace. Doesn't mean you have to do it.

 

[QueenIsabella]

While your brother was out of line, IMHO, I'm going to give him a pass--just this once--due to the stress of the circumstances. If he's always this thoughtless, well, then you already knew that. If it's out of character for him, then he especially needs a pass from a sibling. He's hurting over the loss of his mother, as are you all. I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't make this more of an issue than it needs to be.

One of my brothers was a total jerkface at our mom's funeral, but we siblings just laughed it off--he was a total jerkface every day of the week, we knew it was coming. We used to joke that he'd leave the funeral early, so he could go back to the house and grab the good silver. He didn't do that--Mom was in assisted living when she passed--but he did bring up his inheritance at the reception after the funeral. Real class act, that one.

 

[Klayfish]

...for himself and his trashy garage band (a bunch of wannabes in their 50s and 60s who smoke an drink their lives away while convincing themselves that they could have been famous). He does not have a family. He has a job. He has more money than I do (a single mom with two daughters and college loans!).

"Oh, don't bother canceling that gift certificate, my brother wants to use your thoughtful gift to feed his garage band."

Your feelings and judgments about your brother and his friends are pretty clear. Do what's going to make you feel best.

And yes, we all judge, that's part of human nature. My point is that at least from what I'm reading, you don't think highly of him or his friends. So why would you help him, brother or not?

 

[AppleDumpling]

I am sorry for your loss.

TBH, I wouldn’t have mentioned it to the friend other than thanking her for your generosity.

If for some reason she does not cancel the card or can't, is it possible to use it when you go back to your hometown? There are usually all kinds of depressing, real life things that have to be done after the funeral as well. Perhaps you could use it as a family then?

This was my thought as well. Will you be returning at some point to take care of legal issues, clean out and sell her home, or to pick out a gravestone? If so, I’d save it for then, assuming there’s no expiration.

First off, is your father or stepfather in the picture as a widower? If so, I’d give it to him.

Otherwise, I like the idea someone upthread suggested. Give it to a food bank or homeless shelter. Or maybe someone who was a caretaker to your Mom in the end— nursing staff at the hospital or hospice, or just a close friend of hers who was there for her.

Your brother should do the right thing and follow through on one of the above or ask the owner to send a refund to your friend.

 

[anniemae]

I would not do anything at this point. What's done is done. You already told your friend you could not use it, she is in the process of canceling it. It's in her hands now, and if she can't cancel it, she will probably use it herself. I would tell your brother that you will not be contacting your friend again about it, it is just too awkward. If he wants to call her, let him do it.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Minnesota!]

Sorry for your loss. I like the suggestion of you diffusing it by saying "I am sorry, I didn't realize you could have used it. I had my friend cancel it. Next time I am in town, how about pizza on me?". And leave it at that. Makes him look like an *** if he refuses or gets upset.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm very sorry for your loss. And yes, why do families have to be so stressful!

I wouldn't drag your friend into the drama. You already thanked her and let her know that you were unable to use it so she should cancel it if she can.

I'd just email my brother back, "I'm sorry that you consider me selfish. I didn't want my friend's money to be unused so I told her to cancel BEFORE you asked for it."

Then leave it alone.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I am very sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is :-( You don't owe your brother anything. Just let it be and move on. If you are like me you always feel you need to explain things but I have learned since my last surviving parent passed away in 2016 that I don't own anyone anything. My oldest sister acted really ugly and only worried about herself and her children (very entitled) and I have learned, the hard way, that I don't owe her anything. Not even my kindness.

Take care and I hope this is the worst of it for you!!!!

 

[cabanafrau]

So sorry for your loss. I understand why the situation is so awkward, but I think you're good to step back and let sleeping dogs lie at this point. The only one you should be mindful of at this point is your friend, because she merely tried to do something thoughtful for you and you don't want that to become a burden for her.

If I had to guess the gift certificate will be non refundable, especially if the pizza parlor owner is a friend of your brother's and has already contacted him about it.

 

[Hikergirl]

So sorry for your loss OP

 

[dish rag]

Sorry for your loss.

I'm guessing we would have just left it for the brother that lived in that area to use.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, you did the right thing. You let your friend know about the situation, and it is currently in her (and the Pizza place's) hands.

I would NOT intervene, again, at this point, and ask your friend to send this guy a 'GIFT' of $75.00 in free pizza.
That, IMHO, would be inappropriate

And, simply ignore the couple of negative and inappropriate comments here.
Hey, it's the DIS... Whatever....

 

[luvsJack]

First off, I am very sorry for your loss,OP.

Did posts get deleted? I haven’t seen anything negative to the op?

Anyway, honestly I would have given it to the brother that lives in town anyway. It just never would have occurred to me to call my friend and tell her we didn’t use it.

But, that doesn’t make you wrong either. Just handled it different. So what’s done is done and at this point I would just leave it alone.

 

[dish rag]

It was a gift, I'm surprised the giver would want it back, or that it even got to this point. It seems that there could be more to this, siblings just not getting along. One not wanting the other to get something more than they did.

Really though, at this very sad time, emotions run high. But it's surprising $75 is causing this. It was a gift to buy food, you didn't need it when you were in town. What's wrong with just leaving it behind for another family member to use.

 

[cabanafrau]

It was a gift, I'm surprised the giver would want it back, or that it even got to this point. It seems that there could be more to this, siblings just not getting along. One not wanting the other to get something more than they did.

Really though, at this very sad time, emotions run high. But it's surprising $75 is causing this. It was a gift to buy food, you didn't need it when you were in town. What's wrong with just leaving it behind for another family member to use.

I see your point, but I think OP is feeling some sense of guilt about honoring her friend's generous intentions. I understand that component too, especially when OP is going through what's likely an emotional time in life. We're all reviewing the situation from an entirely detached perspective. So what we think or what we say we would do assumes acting from an emotionally detached perspective, a bit more challenging for OP.

 

[design_mom]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

It was a nice gesture of your friend to offer the gift. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have thought that the gift card might be refundable (they usually aren't, are they?), so I probably would have thanked my friend for the gift and either just kept it for the next time I was in town (if I thought I ever would be, to handle any more of mom's affairs, to visit other family, etc.) or left it for the brother who does live in town.

However, since you mentioned it to your friend and she thinks she can return it, then I would do exactly as you have done... let her return it.

I'm sorry your brother is being a jerk. I would probably apologize to my brother (whether I sincerely meant it or not) just to keep the peace. Something like "I'm sorry, Bill. Sarah asked about the gift card and I told her we weren't able to use it that weekend. She suggested that she could return it, so I gave her permission to do that. I'm sorry I didn't think about leaving it for you, but I'd already told Sarah she could return it before you mentioned you wanted to keep it."

 

[SharonZ]

The restaurant manager called to discuss this with your brother because the gift certificate was unused from last week, are you sure your brother didn't call him?? I agree with most of the others, let you friend cancel the gift certificate as you originally discussed.

 

[2forMe]

I would ignore the brothers request and if he has the gall to bring it up again, then I would Remind him that friend has cancelled it.

My mom passed away last week. We had the funeral this past weekend, out of town (in my hometown). My childhood friend who lives out of state donated a $75 gift certificate to a local pizzeria to my family, to help us with the stress of feeding everyone during the weekend. When I mentioned this to my brothers, they seemed greatly uninterested (and neither one of them could even remember my friend, since they're quite a bit older than I am, and one even mentioned that it seemed like a weird "gift").

We didn't end up using the gift certificate. We were there for two nights; on the first night, my aunt & uncle took us out to dinner, and on the second, we all went to an Irish pub for dinner, in honor of my mom.

We came home yesterday, and I called my friend to tell her that we ended up not using the gift certificate, and that I felt terrible about it. She said that she wasn't bothered at all, and had just wanted to make sure we were covered if we needed the meal, and that she would call the pizzeria manager and take care of it today. Since this pizzeria is not a chain, my older brother and I could not use the gc in our current towns. However, my oldest brother still lives in my hometown. And this is where the fun starts.

My oldest brother emailed my other brother and me today, saying that the pizzeria manager called him and reminded him about the gift certificate (small town, they're old friends). And NOW, my oldest brother wants it (he writes, "I don't mind telling you that I could use it"). Of course he does!! He wants to use it to get pizza for himself and his trashy garage band (a bunch of wannabes in their 50s and 60s who smoke an drink their lives away while convincing themselves that they could have been famous). He does not have a family. He has a job. He has more money than I do (a single mom with two daughters and college loans!).

This gc was given to our FAMILY by MY friend to help with food during the FUNERAL WEEKEND.

I emailed my brother back and told him that I'd already contacted my friend and that she is going to cancel the gc, but just hasn't done it yet. He emailed back and told me I was selfish, and so was my friend. The other brother, typical middle child, trying to keep the peace, wants me to relent and let him use it.

Should I really contact my friend? And if so, what the heck do I say? "Oh, don't bother canceling that gift certificate, my brother wants to use your thoughtful gift to feed his garage band."

 

[mi*vida*loca]

So sorry for your loss OP.

Since you called your friend and she's going to cancel it I would let her cancel it. If for some reason it can't be canceled (which I always thought GC's were non refundable) I would give it to my brother, especially if you aren't ever going to use it. $75 is not worth my stress.

 

[HeatherC]

So sorry about your mom! I would just "ignore" your brother. You already spoke to your friend. If she cancels it and is able to get her money back that would be great. It was a very thoughtful gesture after all.